livingbeyond

Thanks, everyone. You've really given me some things to process. After a few days, I think I'm starting to wash that experience from my brain and focus on hope again. @Mar535 you are braver than I am at this stage if you disclose initially. I don't think I can because I don't want to tell someone something about sex until I would consider them a potential sexual partner. But I admire your strength to choose that option, like it was said, "when" you date again. @Ishmael I'll take a look at that post. Thank you for the reference. @Amando I like that. "Be stubborn". I think I will adopt that attitude! I'm so glad I had somewhere to share what happened and get some real support in moving forward. Thank you, all!

This is something that frustrated me as well. My husband and I went in for testing and asked to be screened for everything prior to our marriage. A month after we were married, I learned I had GHSV1. When i asked the doctor's office about it, they said they didn't test for H. I don't understand why it's not important to prevent it from possibly being spread further. If they aren't going to do anything to prevent it, then I agree @bluegirl6 they need to work on minimizing stigma.

Hi Amando, Thanks. Yes, it's hard to digest going from really interested to being seen as not worthy of communicating with. I still see myself as having value, and I know I'm a good person; I just never thought I would be faced with someone invalidating that through their actions. And I feel crazy sometimes for wanting to be safe in an unhealthy relationship rather than taking these chances of getting hurt. I appreciate your encouragement, and I hope it motivates me to keep going.

Thank you, Strength123. Your response was really encouraging. I tried to brush myself off and go on with my day. I definitely want to mend from the hurt of how he chose to leave, and just have to keeping feeding myself the thoughts that having H didnt make him react that way but rather his inability to express things appropriately. It's hard to believe someone without H will understand at some point, but I know from others' stories it is possible. I appreciate your support.

I'm attempting to get back in the dating scene after a 9 year marriage is at its end. I contracted HSV on my wedding night. After a few years, my marriage was sexless. Prior to my marriage I was celibate for 7 years. After the experience I'm about to share, I've really been feeling that was a mistake. Because of other things in our marriage, I decided to move on. However, it was the scariest decision for me to make because he already knew, and I knew I was going to have to tell whoever I became interested in after moving on. Well, after having a few dates with someone and us both being attracted to one another, I decided to disclose to somewhat I met online while we were face to face. I gave him a shortened version of my backstory that I contracted on my wedding night, am not currently experiencing symptoms and have not for some time. He said "Thank you for telling me," got up from where he was without saying anything else, gathered his things, and walked out. I understand that someone like this I would not have wanted in my life anyway, because of his response, however it caught me by surprise and hurt like I haven't been hurt since learning I was HSV+. I was in shock initially. This was just last night (9/22/18), and I've spent the majority of my morning crying. I keep replaying unhealthy thoughts about my sex life being over and that I've made a mistake because I'll end up unlovable. Any advice on how to disclose better and ways that you recover from the sting of someone's response? I'm going to spend some time reading what's already on, but I think I'm in need of direct support today. Thanks, in advance.

Yes, I agree there is a multi layered issue. I can just work on being the best me at this point.

We recently had a conversation and I asked how much he felt he was giving or investing. He told me up to 80 percent at times but definitely lower more often than not. He also didn't think that giving more was something he was capable of (which I asked years before because I don't believe in holding unrealistic expectations if someone isn't capable). This was the first time he acknowledged it. So I'm willing to work on healing me so I can still be my best and not wrapped up in pity/sorrow. Thanks for sharing your experience. I appreciate other perspectives and they help gain clarity.

Thanks, RegularGuy. Yes we've had conversations outside of therapy. I find that effective communication, however, requires two people who are willing and capable (the key) of being open and vulnerable with one another, partnership. I didn't mean to imply or for you to infer that herpes was our only issue. It's difficult to sum up years of marriage in a couple of paragraphs. Herpes is just one issue that has intensified others that would probably still be issues regardless (i.e. dismissiveness and passive aggressiveness, running/shutting down from uncomfortable emotions), but I don't think I would be struggling with what to do if I wasn't +. So that is what I am trying to work through on my own and why I needed to find additional support. I also get where you're coming from, if therapy is plagued with niceties it isn't going to be effective. Good therapy means people can lay that stuff down without being afraid, but they still have to be willing to do so in and outside of therapy. I'm in the process of considering returning by myself. Thanks for the suggestions.

I learned about my diagnosis one month after I was married. We were both tested for any STDs prior to marriage and were told we both were free of any diagnoses. However, when I followed up with the doctor's office afterwards they told me, then, they do not test for herpes. I was devestated and crushed. My husband said he felt terrible and was unaware he had it, and we both still carry a lot of pain around how things happened and how uneducated we were. Every time my anniversary comes around, it's the anniversary of when I contracted as well. I had to find some support and am glad I found this site because I feel like he leaves me to deal with the emotional aspects on my own. We haven't been intimate, and I feel like my health status has kept me in this longer because I'm uncertain about how I will be received if I move on. I feel like I'm being rejected now and am scared of future rejection at the same time. I hope to gain some perspective in being a part of this community. I really want to learn how to better deal with my status whether I'm in a relationship or not. Only two people besides my husband are aware, and one only knows because she was my marriage counselor. This was a much needed step so I could learn how to still live fully.