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Everything posted by DistressedLady

  1. Ah that’s so exciting - and nerve racking too. It’s such a hard conversation to have at any age but just because someone is older doesn’t mean they will respond better - trust me! That said I honestly believed stds only happened to prostitutes or people who frequented them, until I got it from my boyfriend at 24. The thing is I know if he had told me he had it I probably would have stayed with him and just been careful. He may be more naive than you about them so it may be a little more alarming to hear but give him time and let him get his head around it. If he is a good person who truly cares about you it shouldn’t matter too much to him. at the end of the day we can only do our best to protect the ones we care about and I know you will always do your best to protect him. You have HSV1 right? So a much lower chance of passing it on. How long have you known him? Is he a mature 20 year old? Have you spoken about spending more time together or being intimate? Remenber you don’t need to disclose or do anything until you’re absolutely ready so please take your time!
  2. Thanks again Grace! im not worried about the pregnancy part, I’m purely concerned about limiting the chance of transmitting hsv2 to a male partner and wondering if female condoms offer better protection for the male than regular condoms?
  3. Thank you Grace. The idea of passing this on has me almost terrified to be in any way intimate with someone. As my ex and I spent a long time thinking I had passed it - and he didn’t handle it very well - I’m afraid to go near him again in ways. Also I am on immuno suppressants and have read that that makes you shed the virus more frequently. thank you again for your answer. It eases my crazy overthinking mind!
  4. Another question I have is would female condoms offer better protection to men than male condoms? They cover more of the female anatomy and therefore should offer more protection against the transmission from female to male right? Has anyone and information or experience with using female condoms to prevent transmission to men? thank you
  5. Hi all I have a question that I can’t find a direct answer to so I’m hoping someone here can tell me for sure... I know hsv2 can be passed through bodily fluids even when no symptoms are present, during skin to skin contact. My question is can it be passed through clothing? To be direct I was recently with my ex boyfriend and we were sharing a bed. He was naked but I kept my pj bottoms on but we did get quite intimate. I’m not currently taking any medication and he had no condom on. While we didn’t have intercourse because of my pjs, I’m wondering if it’s still possible to infect him through vaginal fluid seeping through my pjs? I always read that it’s passed through skin to skin contact but also, through bodily fluids, so could it be passed even if I kept my pjs on? Or underwear as another example? Also no outbreak present. thank you
  6. Ah thank you for your lovely reply. I read your post after I wrote mine and was so excited for you and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. It’s great that you didn’t let it upset you and understood his reasons and moved forward. In my situation it’s hard as I’ve been told absolutely that the reason we are not together is because of the HSV2. It’s so unfair. My ex and I had been good friends for a few years and did a lot of stuff together as we are both single parents. He is a lovely man with a good heart - even though his behaviour completely stunned me. So it’s hard as I’ve lost the man I loved and also my only other single parent friend. I know I’m a good person worthy of love but this really hurts and I don’t know how to find anything positive in it right now.
  7. Hi all Since my last post, it turned out my ex came back HSV2 NEGATIVE. I did NOT give it to him. To say I was relieved was an understatement but that’s when all the hurt began for me. He had known my status for over 10 months and had chosen to stay with me. I honestly thought we had a future together but he got thrush(I now think) panicked and finished the relationship - telling me he had definitely been infected. After receiving 2 negative antigen tests he is happy he doesn’t have it but doesn’t want to risk a sexual relationship with me anymore for fear that he will get it further down the road. He insists he was really happy with me and our relationship was great but bottom line is - he doesn’t want to get it. This is only the second man I’ve trusted and the second man to leave the relationship because of it. He is constantly in contact and wants us to stay friends as our children are friends, so we have spent time together with our kids but I’m still feeling so hurt by what happened. I’m so sad he chose to leave me because of this. I feel like I’m not good enough and he thinks I’m dirty and unclean. I’m so disappointed and hurt. im wondering how you all cope with the rejection and hurt of being rejected? ‘I’m a beautiful, smart, kind, good person - I did the right thing - I deserve better - he doesn’t deserve me .. ‘ - all the things I have been hear I got from my friends but it doesn’t stop the absolute heartbreak I still feel. He stayed with me for 10 months, and then just as I trusted him he turned and ran out the door so fast. Any advise or tips for getting over this - again? I feel like all men will leave me when I tell them and I feel so dirty and sad. Should we remain friends or should I cut all contact? I’m feeling so sad and low. The last time this happened I didn’t date for over 10 years.
  8. Great post. I wish I had read it a few months ago. I disclosed to my ex before we were together and I absolutely honestly believed if we were careful - that he wouldn’t get it. I’m mostly asymptomatic and have only had mild outbreaks - so I thought the chances of him getting it were small. That said it was always on my mind because of how much I cared about him. I took daily medication and we used condoms every single time. There was probably like a 2-5% chance he would get it and he did. And obviously he is so upset. I can not explain how bad I feel for passing it to him him as it is life changing as you say - and not in a good way. I know he will have to tell any new partner and will risk rejection and hurt and I feel I let him down badly. I know it is ‘just a cold sore’ (for most) but it affects mental health more and that’s what I struggle with. thank you for your frank and honest post!
  9. Awwww that almost made me cry!!! That’s exactly how it should be! What a lovely man and I wish you both well. It doesn’t and shouldn’t be this big deal. It doesn’t make us bad people or dirty or diseased like some people make us feel. That’s such a lovely thing to read and has made me realise that how my ex is behaving is just unreasonable and so unfair.
  10. Hope you are doing ok. It’s great that she’s being open with you while she tries to figure it out and work through it. I think that she’s showing she doesn’t blame you and while she may not feel ready for a sexual relationship right now - she might when things settle down. You are doing all you can and once you’re still communicating things can improve. hoping you both are feeling a little better!
  11. Ah I’m so sorry to hear your story. One part of me is like ‘what the heck is wrong with everyone - it’s just a cold sore?? if it was the other way around I wouldn’t care once we were together’. The other part knows how hard it is to have to tell someone and be rejected for it buts all just the stigma that’s associated with it and not the actual sores themselves as they can be managed. I don’t understand how someone can say they accept the risk and then turn and run and be angry and punish you when you don’t even know that you could be passing it. You didn’t do it consciously- you would never want to hurt someone you care about. why is it so hard?? I’m still sad beyond belief and so upset with my situation but I can’t change it so I think I need to accept it and try to move on. I hope your girlfriend calms down and realises it’s not the end of the world. If she doesn’t I hope you meet the right woman for you soon and your heart heals.
  12. That’s really lovely. My mum keeps asking about my breakup and is convinced we will get back together but I can’t tell her the reason as I think she and dad would be shocked beyond belief. it’s so nice to hear your mum support you like that and to have someone to talk things through in new relationships.
  13. Hey I hope you don’t mind this answer but I really think that stopping was the best thing - for him and for you too. I say that because I was taking anti virals AND we used condoms and I had no visible sores and I gave it to my ex. It can happen and I would rather be in your shoes feeling upset about being rejected than feeling guilty because that 1 slip up left your ex with HSV. I know rejection SUCKS - especially because of this - but the guilt of passing it on is worse. in a week or so you won’t care about the rejection - you’ll be relieved you didn’t take the risk. Deep breaths and move on. The right person for us won’t care about a cold sore. There are better ones out there.
  14. Hi I had an outbreak and then didn’t get another one for years and years and years. Stay healthy, happy and dress free and it will definitely help!
  15. Ah thank you. I know you are right. He meant the relationship was broken beyond repair - but it did really hurt. He was so good about it, so understanding and telling me not to worry, it was his decision. It would be much easier if he didn’t have it and I could walk away guilt free but I will always feel bad for passing this on to someone. I would never want anyone to feel as bad as we all have here. Hopefully with time he will get his head around it. thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It really helps stop my head exploding with guilt and sadness!!!
  16. Thank you for your insight. I think it goes out of all proportion in your head if you let it and I think that’s possibly where he is right now. I’m so upset as he knew and said he wanted to stay with me regardless but when he did get it he turned ran away. I’m so confused. We had been so so so so so careful - it’s just not fair. He says he doesn’t blame me but he must. He said we are ‘broken beyond repair’ but I didn’t even know I had done this and I would never have knowingly hurt him. I am giving him space and hope he can figure it out in his head. I thought if he did get it (years down the line) we would handle it together- but he doesn’t want me near him. maybe this is an excuse for him to end the relationship but it’s come from no where.
  17. Thank you for your thoughts and insight. So much hurt and pain for a cold sore. How did such a small thing become so big and so shameful that it breaks up relationships and hurts so many people? I don’t think our relationship will recover and I’m starting to accept that. I did my best and am so sad at what’s happened but I can’t do anything to change it. I guess if he loved me he wouldn’t care about this so I need to just try to move on. thanks again to those who replied.
  18. I hear you. It totally sucks. It’s just a cold sore in reality but we totally beat ourselves up over it. I disclosed after 12 years single. He choose to stay with me and I was so happy but he had a change of heart and decided he ‘didn’t want to risk it’ after a few months. This is after he got a blister on his penis so I think he may be too late - even though I did everything to protect him(long story). It’s not fair and it really hurts. Especially when you’ve been so honest and open. I’m sorry for what’s happened to you. I know you have to stay positive. I think maybe these have dating websites might not be so bad. I wish you the best of luck. X
  19. I hope that someone can please help me and provide some advice and insight. I have had HSV2 for many years. I got it from an ex boyfriend who cheated on me. It has taken me a long time to get over. I met my partner many years ago but we only got together recently. He is a very kind, quiet and caring man. I am absolutely mad about him. We began a relationship and I told him about my HSV2 before we had any physical relationship. He thought about it and made the decision to stay with me. I went on Valacyclovir and we used protection EVERY time. He recently told me that he had an outbreak and is understandably very upset and has chosen to end our relationship. I am so upset and want to help him. He said he doesn't blame me but I feel immense guilt and don't know how to live with this. If there is someone here who has been in a similar position could you let me know what happened? I can't believe I could have passed this onto such a kind and good man and that I have hurt him so much. For those men that this has happened to - can you provide guidance on what I can do to help him? Will he forgive me? Could the relationship ever recover? I am so upset and feel so guilty and bad for infecting him. Can I help him or should I just leave him alone?
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