How Trusting The Wrong Person Got Me Here..

[becominganewme]

I had been on and off with this guy most of my time in college. I met him my freshman year, and ended things with him right before the start of my junior year. Well, little did I know that he was going to stick with me for much longer.. He was the only person I had slept with in that years time, and I had been fully tested right at the beginning of our relationship. I was good, everything came back negative. I still got tested frequently throughout our relationship, and always came back negative, but I also never felt worried because he was the only person I was being exposed to. Well, towards the end of our relationship he evidently slept with someone else and didn't tell me. Boom, now I have herpes. Because he was dishonest and either did not know about his status or just didn't care to disclose it to me. I was absolutely devastated. This felt like the end of everything for me. I was so mad at him for doing this to me, I was so mad at myself for trusting him, I was just so mad at the world. Why me? I had slept with multiple people before him and never got anything, and as soon as I meet him and exclusively slept with him for such a long time NOW I catch something??? It just didn't make any sense to me. It didn't fit the narrative that myself and so many others have put on people that have STD's. That was the other thing, I never personally fit the narrative for someone to have an STD either. I was just some very unlucky girl who trusted the wrong person. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair. After I was diagnosed, I immediately blocked him on everything because I had absolutely no desire to ever speak to him ever again. It has been exactly one year since my diagnosis, and I still have not spoken to him. I still have a lot of hate in my heart for him and what he did to me. I want to let it all go, but I just don't know how to. Part of me feels like I should allow room for discussion between us just so I could maybe get some answers from him. Another part of me has an anxiety attack every time I see him or even hear the mention of his name. This has been a very hard year for me. At the beginning, I felt very disgusted with myself and literally felt like a prisoner in my own body. Then, I became very suicidal as I felt I was not worthy of love or life anymore. Now I mostly feel okay about my herpes because I know enough about it to realize that having herpes isn't the end of the world. The hardest part today is just having this massive secret that nobody knows. The only people that know about my status are my parents, one of my brothers, and my doctor(s). I don't want anybody to know. I am so terrified that if people find out they will not look at me the same. Whenever I am around people and the conversation of herpes pops up I automatically tense up and feel as if I could vomit. Not because I am disgusted with myself anymore, but because I am so scared of what people will think of me if they ever found out. I am not scared of many things, but the idea of ever disclosing my status to anyone absolutely petrifies me. In my head, I know that herpes is not as big a deal as people often make it out to be, but I also know that not everyone thinks that way. I was once that person that looked down on people with STD's. If I was once the judger, how am I to ever convince them not to judge me? I'm currently starting my senior year of college, and I just want to get over this and move on positively with my life. My herpes isn't going away anytime soon, so I might as well get comfortable with it. I have dreams of meeting my husband and starting a family, but I know that is not possible with the mindset I have right now. I want to learn how to manage my secret, or better yet tell the world about my secret. There is something so freeing about the idea of just blurting out "I have herpes!" to the world. If I put it out there, then no one can use it against me. I will be in control. I do not feel in control right now. I feel stuck. I want to educate people when they crack herpes jokes in front of me, I want to confidently pursue men without feeling guilty of my status, I just want to conquer my herpes rather than let herpes conquer me. I literally just want to be able to say the word "herpes" out loud. You think I'm joking, but I physically cannot push that six letter word out of my mouth without giving myself a mini pep talk in my head to calm my anxiety, or have my stomach drop as I begin to mouth it out. I just want to own who I am, and not feel ashamed anymore.

[Girlneedinghelp]

I still don’t say it out loud either so you aren’t alone. When I spoke to the person that gave it to me it was very distressing and unproductive because he just lied about it (obviously a dishonest person to begin with so I don’t really know why I expected some sort of honest apology). Disclosure is scary, but I did it and he was absolutely fine, and now I look back and I am proud of how stromg I am, and how my friends and family don’t even realise how strong I am that I faced this and figured it all out and came out the other side, and hopefully you will get that feeling too and it does make you a better, more understanding person and I view life differently now. Stay strong x

[becominganewme]

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid will happen if I do reach out to him, so I just keep wondering if it would even be worth it. Ironically, I have seen him around a lot more than I would like to lately, so he has been on my mind over time the last few days.

Also, props to you for having the courage that I have not found yet, and disclosing to someone! I'm very happy for you that it all went smoothly! I don't think I will be able to take that leap of faith until I am comfortable with rejection... which I definitely am not right now. Thank you for your kind words, they were much needed 🙂

[Girlneedinghelp]

If you think it will give you any type of closure then do reach out to him but I think people get very held up on waiting for acknowledgement or an apology from who gave it to them and I think only when you learn to accept that isn't going to happen do you start to heal slightly. For ages I held so much anger towards this boy and now I just think, he knew he had it and was too afraid to tell me and lied to try and save himself from the situation when I confronted him so I pity him and I also think his life will always be that way. And I think actually in hard times comes great strength, I just told my partner one night, when I felt particularly sad and troubled by it, before we had slept together or anything, and to be fair I cried, but he was fine he was like there is far worse that can happen to people, asked a few questions and carried on eating his dinner and that was that. I was the biggest non believer that he would still want to see me, but here we are 8 months later still seeing each other and I'm officially his girlfriend.. it literally can happen to you even if you dont believe it yourself! If you want any advice about being in a relationship with it message me and I can tell you about my experiences so that you might be more prepared to have the talk one day if you know what to expect! 

[My_dog_is_hungry]

Hey guys just remember that your donor may not even realize they have herpes so don't feel too much anger without knowing the full story.

I caught it from someone who never had any symptoms so there's no way he would have known he had it. And besides I took the risk by having sex so it doesn't actually matter how I got it.

Dramatic reactions like cutting people out of your life are actually because of your misconceptions about STDs. ANYONE who has sexual contact can contract an STD so there's no point stigmatising them.

[Cwgrl100]

I agree with the last poster. Pretty sure the person who gave it to me had no clue they had it so as much as I hate their guts (mainly for other reasons), I realize that I too, didn’t know I had HSV for at least a month or so, so I can see how others don’t. I felt like I had “paper cuts”from what I thought was rough sex. Never did I imagine it was anything more. Talking to him may give you closure, but I wouldn’t bet on it. It may make it worse so just be careful and know you don’t need his apology!

It’s pathetic that sex Ed and society’s perceptions make it seem that only certain people get these diseases and that it’s rare. Communicable diseases don’t discriminate and if you’ve ever had sex, even just once and even with protection, you can get herpes!

I’m an educated, hardworking independent woman who tried doing everything right and got a little too carried away and trusting for a time in my life and it bit me in the ass. Had it not though? Maybe I would have something worse, be in a bad situation, and not be where I’m at today. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I know it’s tough. Some days I’m fine, others I’m not. If society didn’t make it this big, shameful secret I think transmission rates would go down as it could be openly talked about, those who are effected by the disease wouldn’t be emotionally damaged, and there would be better access to care and treatment!! 

Some positives to this for me: I felt empowered when I’ve disclosed and it forced me to slow down instead of getting caught up in the moment, I weeded out the people I didn’t trust to disclose to, it really made me feel less judge-mental and extended my heart out to people and whatever crap they’re going through! 

Hang in there!