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Hello everybody - just found out “me too” have herpes

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I am having my first ever outbreak and diagnoses. And I feel utterly lost. Forgive me if I give too much information. I want to let everybody know where I am coming from. I have a sever child abuse history and due to the trauma, I abstained from relationships, and yes sex, most of my life, thinking I was never going to be able to experience it in a health way … then over two years ago (at the age of 47/48) I met somebody willing to work with my fears and insecurities. It felt like life was taking a good turn for the first time ever:). Then shortly after that I got very ill and lost the sexual component of my life again. Instead have been fighting to get back to health and stay alive till recently. I got better, and the moment I resumed my sexual live feeling once again like I am winning at life I got herpes. And I have had only two partners. 

My reaction to herpes is a bit more disproportionate, due to my trauma and all the health issues I have been experiencing. I spent the entire Friday and Saturday crying, unable to stop. Feeling stupid that this happens to me at 50 and that somehow I could have been smarter to prevent this. Then I was feeling a profound loss and grief as if I am loosing the battle once again to be free and have a sexually fulfilling life. Then, a friend found this community for me.

I am so confused about everything and I don’t feel like I can reach out to my OBGY with questions, because he is over focused on keeping me alive and worrying about my bigger issues and not concerned about “cold sores.” I wonder if he also feels that at the age of 50 I should know everything there is to know 😞

Your forums have been a source of comfort, hope, but also fears for me in terms of what life is going to look like going forward. 

My doctor insists that this is a first time exposure and it is from my current partner. My current partner insists that it is not from him, because he requested HVS test in February and it was negative. My doctor seems to think that it doesn’t mean anything, because the blood test might have not detected past exposure when he might have been really young. I also don’t understand if a virus can be dormant for 20 years … how can my doctor be so sure it is from a current partner and not the previous one.

I don’t know how to move forward. If my partner has it and is shedding the virus … can I have recurring outbreaks because of it?  How do I know when it stops shedding and it is save to resume sex? If we both have it and he is asymptomatic how do I protect myself from braking out all the time? Why is my doc giving me only 10 days of medicine and not keeping me on long terms antiviral? 

I am so sorry guys I don’t even know what I am saying, I am lost and though I am not happy that you all are living with herpes, I am so grateful for all of you, for being here speaking out and sharing - it made a difference in my life!!! 

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Hi, @Lydia

I am sorry you are struggling. We are here for you however you need. You are not alone. 

As someone with a history of sexual trauma, I understand how you must be feeling. Being diagnosed with herpes starts to validate the feelings of dirtiness, badness, shame, and guilt we feel from the previous abuse.

Abuse impacts trust, especially abuse that occured in childhood, a time when we think concretely. Children do not think in the abstract until about age 14, and children also have a limited perspective (their own, hence why children will assume everyone's favorite color is yellow if their favorite color is yellow) so when abuse happens, children think it is their fault. Growing up, this manifests into our lives, in more ways than we can imagine. It impacts relationships, as you mentioned. It impacts our own views of ourselves, and makes us feel as though we are used and ugly and bad. In reality, those who hurt us are the bad ones. You are pure and deserving of love. I promise you that none of this is your fault. 

I have started seeing a therapist about my abuse history, and actually I have found out some odd connections. When I was very young I had an instance of sexual trauma that didn't spark up emotionally until puberty. Eventually when I became sexually intimate with boyfriend's, I would cry wen I saw their parts. I didn't mean to, and I thought something was so wrong with me. At age 14 I developed anorexia, and actually through some intense therapy it was realized my eating disorder came from a place of trying to feeling "clean" (probably related to the memory, and some abandonment and family issues). As I got older I got involved in relationships where the men were cruel and emotionally abusive. When I was 19 I got herpes (GHSV-1) from a partner who sexually abused me. That herpes made me feel contaminated, ugly, and dirty, validating all those thoughts I had from the childhood memory that I was bad. 

When I told the partner at the time that he had given me herpes, he denied it, although the doctor who diagnosed me told me it would have had to been him (since the intensity of the outbreak meant it was the first, and we had just had sex). He told me it was my fault, that I was probably sleeping around (I wasn't). Thankfully I soon broke up with him, after confronting him about his abusive behavior. 

Please know you are NOT damaged goods. You are a blessing. You deserve to be happy and healthy and feel loved and respected. Your partner most likely gave this to you, especially considering you are having your first outbreak, and you've only had one other sexual partner. It may be a good idea to have a conversation with your partner and your doctor together; maybe hearing things from a medical doctor would make your partner less resistant to accept reality. If anything, he may be afraid he gave it to you, and it angry at himself or at life, especially if he knows about your history of trauma. So, perhaps a discussion of non-threatening nature and just simple matter-of-fact talk about how he probably have you herpes, how blood tests can be false negatives, etc, may help. 

Also, if your partner has cold sores in their mouth, they could have given you herpes through oral sex. That is how I got it, I believe. 

so, to answer your questions...

if your partner has it (most likely) you do not need to be as cautious since you both have it, and both have antibodies. If either of you sense prodrome syndrome (right before an outbreak you may feel tingling at the site where you had the first outbreak, you may feel itchy there, or you may feel like you have a cold/flu) or you have an outbreak, it would be best to avoid sex since it may be painful and cause the virus to shed more due to the friction and movement caused by sex. 

remember, there are SO many myths about herpes! Check out reliable information ❤️ the CDC, WHO, and this awesome site are wonderful resources!! 

your doctor probably only wrote a ten day prescription first to ensure that the specific drug works for you (there a few herpes medications) and because the doctor probably thinks since your partner gave it to you, you don't need to be on suppressive meds because your partner also has it. However, supressive meds are helpful for YOU and YOUR health, not just your partner's. Consistent outbreaks can be painful and troubling, so supressive medication can help  however, it is unlikely to have outbreaks with GHSV-1. But, if you want suppressive medication, you can ask for it, and especially if you have HSV-2 this may be helpful. 

however, get to know your body's reaction to HSV; take notice of symptoms you experience, as this can help you ID future outbreaks coming on if you get them in the future. It will be ok! You can do this, we are here for you!! 🌄

in the mean time, practice kindness to yourself. I recommend tapping, which is an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that can help you process trauma, stress, anxiety, really anything at all. YouTube Tapping with Brad Yates and check out what topics he has. It has helped me SO much!! 

Sending kindness, prayers, and blessings your way. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and respect!! 

Feel free to direct message me if you need to! 

Blessings!! 🌄☀️🌼🦋🌈


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Thank you for much for your kindness. I have been dealing with trauma for a long time. I am not as much concerned about that side. I am just recognizing that my reaction to the diagnoses is probably disproportionate due to the trauma. I have both HSVs. I had sores in my moth few days before they showed up on my genitals. He had sore in his mouth at the same time.

Somehow the doc's words it is just a cold sore, did not sit with me the same way :). Instead my immediate response was "who will ever want me?"

I feel probably what most of you have felt at some point. I don't know enough, no matter how much I read on the CDC site, Mayo Clinic, Plant Parenthood ... I don't know how to behave. I feel like I am radioactive ... I had lunch with a friend and was scared to share any food, I am afraid to dry my hands in someone else's bathroom ... I am just so scared to pass it on to another person.

I did have a conversation with my partner, he is convinced it is not from him, because he requested herpes test in February and it came back negative. I cannot really force him to get tested, since he is convinced it is nit him, no matter how much all the signs point to him. We are not life partners, we are friends that agreed to provide each other with companionship in the beginning of the pandemic, my influence over him getting tested is limited.

It is really hard to find a partner at my age and it feels like the herpes diagnoses might make it impossible. I feel like now, I have to tell everybody before they even look at me.

I think I will get use to living with the virus ... though right now as I said, I am not sure how to behave and everything makes me worried.

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We've all been there.   Give yourself some time to deal with this and learning how to accept the new you.   I thought the same thing about no one will want me, I'm too old,  etc.   I'm 40 and single and yes,  this diagnosis stung but you eventually accept it.   My doctor put it this way,  I was grieving the loss of my old self and couldn't cope with it.   I'm on an antidepressant right now to help get me through.   I also met someone and after about 4 weeks I had to disclose to him and I was terrified.   But he was 100% completely accepting of me and now we're in a relationship,  I've met his kids and family and we just planned a vacation next month together.   My point is that I think we put so much focus on this and the dread that it causes instead of saying this is me,  I'm taking care of it and will do everything I can to take care of you too.  Be kind to yourself.   You will feel better,  it just takes some time.   Don't give up hope.  

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Hi Again!! 

I completely understand. I have OCD so I was SO fixated on giving it to someone, even from sharing food or a bathroom or through simple touch. However, herpes is spread through direct skin to skin contact with the infected area. You also can't give it to yourself, so don't worry about that, either! Just using soap and water and washing your hands after you touch a sore is enough ❤️ it will be ok!! 

If anything, herpes helps us seek out the kind people in the world; those who are respectful and unconditionally accepting; those who can see through all the stigma and really see us for US, not our HSV. 

I'm sorry that you feel like you won't find love. I promise you will! Every pot has its lid ❤️. My own mom is divorced and my step dad and her split up, and she fears she will be alone forever. But, there are so many good people out there. People who care about the BIG stuff-- love, kindness, compassion, being together, etc. 

Surrounded yourself with those who bring you UP, not bring you down, especially during a very emotionally-draining time like handling the diagnosis and outbreak. 🦋

We are all here for you! Love will arrive so soon. ❤️

Sending blessings and prayers your way!! 🌼🦋☀️🌄

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Thank you NJRunnerMom. I recognize that I am having thoughts about future that is not even here, but with my past and obstacles I had to overcome, my thoughts are doubtful about ever getting into another relationship. Your words make me think that rather than grieving my old self, it feels like I am grieving a future that this new condition has just taken away from me. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I don’t have anybody to talk to about this and reading messages from you and Flowertecher55 feels like getting a hug this morning.

Thank you Flowerteacher55 as well. I had a follow up conversation with my partner last night and of course it was very painful again. He is certain that he does not have HSV and expressed that he things that I slept with somebody else, since his HSV blood test in February was negative. He is also raising the question why did I brake out now and not sooner. We were not intimate from Mach till recently due to my medical condition and a surgery I had in April. However, we got first sexually involved last August. My doctor is convinced it is a recent exposure and indicated that it does not mean my partner was with somebody else, that his blood tests might have been negative because it might have not detect past exposure from his youth - I don’t understand how that is possible. Everything I read says that bloodwork is more reliable than the culture swab. My partner keeps telling me that the virus could have been dormant in me for 20 years … and why not if my doctor is suggesting that my partners blood test is not detecting the virus in his body. My partner expressed last night that he doesn’t want to catch it and that it could be inside of me and we will not know if I have a breakout, it could show up on my neck, anywhere on my body and he could get it … which made me honestly feel like a leper. And I feel unable to answer to any of his questions.

Majority of my stress comes from feeling like I am “dangerous” and from not being able to understand, not being able to get a clear explanation for how this happened, when and why him and not somebody else. I have finally convinced my partner to reach out, share with his doctor what my doctor said and get retested. I am scared that his test will come back negative and I will look like a liar and accuser and a cheat.

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Woah woah woah!!! He said WHAT???? Okay first off, you did NOT deserve a harsh, defensive response at all. You are not only in physical pain, but emotional pain, too. I am sorry that happened.

Second, NO. He is not a medical professional and cannot make statements that it can show up anywhere on your body. HSV does NOT work like that, it shows up in the general vicinity of where the breakout is if it comes back in another outbreak. You also cannot give it to yourself elsewhere, either. I am so sorry he made you feel like a leper. His information is incorrect.

You are not a danger. You are safe and pure. You are not a cheater, and it was wrong of him to accuse you of this. It seems he is being very defensive for his own sake, instead of being open and kind for your sake. I am sincerely sorry. You deserve someone WAY better than that! 

There are many things that can cause a breakout to happen, including stress, complications with medication, and other factors. It also could have been dormant in him and appeared now, and now you have it. What is so funny is the virus also could have been dormant in HIM for 20 years... so honestly, just take what he says with a grain of salt. Unless you literally read his blood reports and have legit verification, take it with a grain of salt. Your health and happiness matter more than this blame game, and someone truly worthy of your kindness and love and intimacy would realize this.

If he has questions, refer him to his primary physician. You are still trying to figure this out yourself, and you did your duty by telling him about it and being honest. If he is badgering you with questions, making accusations, and making up information or relaying incorrect information to you, please take a step back from this relationship and focus on you. He can do reliable independent research and talk to his doctor instead of causing unneeded emotional drama. You do not deserve that at all! This is NOT your fault!

We are all here for you! You can do this. Stay strong and be your own best friend. What advice would you tell your friend if they were in this situation? Focus on your health and ditch the people trying to bring us down!

You are powerful, pure, strong, and deserve happiness!! Don't let anyone take that away from you or make you feel any different. 🌻 

Sending love and light! 🌻🌄

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@Flowerteacher55♥️ Thank you! Reading your message makes me feel for the first time like I can do this! The founder of this community will probably not see my massage, but I really could have not gone through the weekend and last couple of days without your support.

I don't hold his reactions against him ... they are not mine to worry about, but they are affecting me emotionally ... the first week, his reaction was generally "poor you, you have it and I don't," until the doc suggested that it is from him.

I did see his test from February and I did see the HVS negative on there, that is why I am so confused about my doctor being certain it is from him. 

I think, having found this platform, I can do this. I have people to reach out to for wisdom, support and advise.

You gave me some relief!!!

Do I understand correctly that the only way the sores could appear anywhere else would be if I touched the sores, didn't wash my hands, and touched a different part of my body?

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Aww, hooray!!! 

I am so happy to hear that we are supporting you. Adrial, the founder of this site, definitely will see our note of appreciation ❤️. You can tag him @mr_hopp, too!!

I can tell by reading this that your spirits have definitely lifted ❤️🌈☀️ yay! The sun always shines again. 

Yes, you cannot give yourself herpes because your body's immune system is already programmed to recognize the virus and attack it. Hypothetically if you really really tried, I'm sure with enough touching of a sore and it's good inside and intentionally then touching a place to see if you would get it, sure, it could happen. But again, 1) this scenario is literally absurd because you wouldn't want to give it to yourself elsewhere 😂 and 2) it's really really unlikely you would give it to yourself! So rest assured ❤️.

Now, as someone with OCD, I was so scared of giving others herpes by just touching then. But again, this is not how herpes spreads. Only direct skin-to-skin contact with the infected area would cause it to spread to another (during viral shedding and/or an active outbreak). So, having sex or being intimate with someone and not having an outbreak or prodrome symptoms means the chance of you giving it to the person are very very low. Hypothetically, you can share HSV any time because we don't always have symptoms of shedding, but the chances are low when you practice safe sex (abstaining from sex with prodrome and outbreaks, and using condoms really helps, too!!)

I hope this helps!! ❤️❤️

Blessings!!! ❤️🌈🌼☀️🌄😇

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Remember stress from not eating your favorite foods can only lead to eating too much sugar or something  else. This won't help with keeping the virus dormant. Remember to eat as healthy as you can. Of course limit sugar and salt. Take hot baths to relax using your favorite essential oils . I like coconut oil foaming Dr.Teals Epsom salt. Best for relaxing turn on relaxing music such as rainfalls or birds chirping softly and lay down in the bath tub with pillow behind head. Keep your mental health in check don't fall into depression. Life isn't that bad it does get easier and get better in time. Remember to exercise atleast 5-10min a day. Drink green tea. I use green grass from Walmart. I make green organic matcha hot tea for relaxing also. I eat healthy 85% of the time. I do however fast every few days. I fast from 9pm-3pm this helps alot. Also tightens your belly. Catching up on your calories will be impossible. You will be healthier look good and feel better about yourself. This in the end will make you a happier person. I eat grilled salmon I don't eat chicken. I don't eat white bread. I don't drink soda or energy drinks. I do however drink alcohol tequila and pinot noir is my favorite. Pinot noir has compounds that help inactivate the virus. There is so much one can do to better themselves. Organic olive oil. Organic apple cider vinegar helps. Get food items that don't have the ingredients high fructose or 450 sodium. This isn't good for this virus it activates it. Also don't eat chips it is the worse for this virus. Bread is horrible for the hsv1 and hsv2 virus. You can drink milk and eat plain Greek yogurt. Just add blueberries and raspberries for taste or etc. Limit coffee to 1 cup if you don't want to experience a breakout. Caffeine makes the virus active. Get plenty of sleep your body needs rest. Laughing helps also so turn on YouTube or your favorite movie and laugh and enjoy it. Non fermented grape juice helps with inactivating virus. Red potatoes are good to eat. Add olive oil and throw in oven. Also if you like cheese real parmesan cheese helps. Just eat everything sparingly and live a healthy and happy life. Start today. Enjoy the body you're in. 


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@Flowerteacher55 my blisters showed up on 6.15.2021 … is it too late to get a blood test to see if this was my first time exposure?

I don’t think I received the best care from my doctor. When he called me to tell me I was HVS2 positive, he told me it was a current exposure, because I have never had any symptoms before. I argued with him saying that my partner’s blood work was HVS2 negative in February. He insisted that the test might have not shown past exposure …. I am so confused, because it doesn’t lined up with what I am reading. Of course I shared what the doctor said and it caused a lots of pain and conflict with my current sexual partner, who has again tested negative for HVS2 last week.

I tried to find HVS hotline to call, because I have been struggling, but somehow everything I find has only automated messages. I am also struggling with finding place to get the blood test done. I asked for it 2 years ago in my obgy office before I became sexually active and they refused to do it, brushing me off with the words, “almost everybody has it.”

Thank you, Lydia.



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Hi @Lydia!

I am so sorry to hear all of this. You don't deserve this stress at all!

There is TOTALLY enough time to get the blood test! Actually, waiting a few weeks after the first exposure is recommended because your body needs time to produce sufficient antibodies for detection. 

So, there are two blood tests for herpes, the IgM and the IgG. The IgM is not as helpful as the IgG test, because IgM antibodies appear quickly after the infection but may dissapear with time, while IgG antibodies stay with you for life (facts from the American Sexual Health Association). Also, an IgM doesn't disclose which type of HSV you have. So, I recommenced going with the IgG test.

Do you know if your partner recieved the IgG or the IgM? If he got an IgM test, the results may be producing a false negative. 

Regardless, it does seem like you received it from your partner. The bottom line is that the blame game never works in the end, and a relationship can only progress forward if both parties are kind and understanding of the situation. If your partner is angry and assumes cheating, that isn't okay. Herpes is a very tricky virus that can appear randomly, stay in your body, be symptomatic or asymptomatic, and all people who have it have different levels of antibodies. If he cannot understand this, he doesn't deserve someone kind and wonderful like you. Also, you can even have the doctor explain it to your partner, too. You can all sit down together and talk about it, or have a conference call where the doctor explains everything to your partner and he can ask questions if needed. 

Also, the fact that your OBGYN office declined testing because of the large percent of the population that has it is just plain WRONG. That is not your fault. That is just negligent and not okay. I'm so sorry you had that experience. If your OBGYN won't give you a referral for blood work for the IgG, I recommend calling OBGYN offices in your insurance network and asking them if they will write a referral. You can even explain your situation (as much as you'd like).

I hope this helps!!! Please know you are not alone. We are here for you. If you want to Direct Message me, feel free! I know hotlines can be very robotic and not always the most helpful!!

Sending prayers and blessings your way!! 🌻

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I had my first outbreak in early April. Went and got swab and blood test right in the middle of the whole ordeal. Swab came back positive, blood was negative which left me pretty much certain I had JUST contracted it… my understanding is that on average it takes roughly 3 month’s for you to build enough antibodies in the blood to test positive after contracting it. I’d say, definitely get the blood test ASAP. It won’t 100% answer all of your questions but may help to be a peice of the puzzle for you… good luck and sorry you are going through this. It sucks. 

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@Neverwouldathought thank you ... it really is only the confusion I got from my OBGY, he only called me to tell me I was positive and insisted that it comes from my current partner. I cannot understand why he would insist on it then he didn't do any bloodwork ... my partner has come negative on the IgG test. I am just really upset with my doctor. Who will not talk to me about it and asked a nurse that I schedule an appointment with a nurse to talk herpes. I was upset and refused to paid $50 for a visit so I can talk to a nurse.

My outbreak was on June 15, but it probably started 10 days earlier. I had no idea what was happening ... I thought I had a cold and I was experiencing very painful burning for about 10 days ... so I am almost month out. Therefore I didn't know if I still had a chance to find out for my own piece of mind why was my doc insisting that this is a current exposure - my goodness, he has been in the business for 40 years and is an excellent surgent - I don't get it.

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Ugh, I am so sorry to hear about that. Sadly, a lot of doctors are influenced by insurance companies who lobby doctors NOT to request bloodwork. This is because the insurance company doesn't want to have to pay for the bloodwork. What is the worst is that this ends up hurting the PATIENT, and the patient is the most important player here!!! 

If you want to talk about herpes you can always go to a women's clinic or a place like Planned Parenthood. The information and consultation with a nurse is most likely free or very reduced cost. 

The cold/flu feeling prior to the outbreak is super normal. This could be a prodrome symptom for future outbreaks so it's good you took note of that! 

I hope this helps, and I hope you are feeling better!! ❤️

Sending blessings your way!! 😍🌻🌄🦋🌼

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Bottom line, get a blood test. If it comes back negative there’s a very good chance you just contracted this.

Sometimes for people who have not had an outbreak for a very very long time, the blood test can come back negative. However, because you just had an outbreak, if there are no antibodies, the odds are you just got it. Like within a few months.

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