Still at one day a time...

[newtothis]

Well, like many of us, I was lucky enough to fall in love. And this was over the moon delight. We met during a month-long conference for an international program we both work for, and we seemed drawn to each other from the start. We kept finding each other in quiet moments and could not stop talking, looking, enjoying the excuse for a touch of the knee, a brush of the hand. In the last moment, when I was getting into the taxi for the airport and saying goodbye to him and another friend, he looked at our friend and said “I am riding to the airport with her”. I was stunned, shocked, so happy, relieved, somehow I loved him already and wanted him with me; I had not been ready to say goodbye and now we had a few more hours together. We spoke and not-spoke and blurted out so many things in the taxi; he stayed with me while I waited for plane; when it was time to board we said goodbye outside in the sunlight. I gave him a big embrace and he held me so tight, and somehow I was afraid to let go or look up or do anything, yet, when I did, we kissed. A beautiful, so soft light and then passionate kiss where his lips were butterflies on mine. I walked away knowing somehow, we were going to spend our lives together – crazy, unbelievable, and somehow, it seem(s/ed), true.

 

I returned three months later, and became sick. After 10 days of denial, we went to the doctor... As soon as I walked in and the doctor saw the ulcer on my lips he said it was herpes. He spoke to my partner and I, we held hands, and said yes, this is what happens, you gave it to her, you just don’t show any symptoms. You probably had it when you were a baby. At this point my partner said, “Ahhh yes, there was a time when I had an outbreak as a baby, but I didn’t think it was contagious”. My heart fell as he said these words, and I realized his naivety. I had asked him a hundred questions, but not the rights ones. Saying he should have known better – that his family should have known better means nothing. They now do and are teaching his niece about the chance of spreading herpes to another. She also caught it as a baby and is only 13 now, soon she will be dating and can risk spreading it. The family has now been “educated” by my experience. When my partner asked why no one else had broken out, the doctor replied, “They all probably had it”. The doctor’s view was that herpes was very common in the city, and well, ‘I had wanted to get to know the locals, so now I was experiencing what it was like.’ But, he said to my partner with a laugh, “Don’t’ worry, when you go the States you can get the disease of obesity and wealth”.

 

I went home about 4 days later; just enough time to absorb the information and the medicine to calm the outbreaks (on my lips, vagina and anus). It had spread so far because we had neglected it so long. The doctor said he had not seen such a bad outbreak. We walked away stunned and in denial; he negotiated the pharmacy. I wanted to get a drink. How could he have it and not know? I flew on the plane in quite a bit of pain; sitting was still a problem. I had been peeing in the bathtub to alleviate the pain. He would stay with me and talk to me while I soaked in the tub. When he was at work I sobbed and called my friends in the US. Feeling oh so alone, scared, and now tainted, dirty, pain pain pain. I woke up once with my lips covered in blood. I kept applying the cream and taking baths, and I stopped eating. I was afraid to go to the bathroom in any form, too much pain. I wouldn’t even drink fluids. I lost about 10 pounds or more.

 

Once home I was sick sick sick. I kept feeling so fatigued (Was it my fibromyalgia or my herpes? Was it a reaction to the medication?) I couldn’t go to work though they expected me to after my vacation – what I was I sick with? – they asked. What could be so serious? Normally I come in and don’t let being sick stop me. They began speculating extreme things thinking I had got a stomach virus while traveling - I let them believe it just to have some privacy. I told three close friends, only one actually came to see me, go to the doctor with me, get food for me if I was in too much pain to drive. The depression of feeling alone was also bad.

 

It’s been 3 ½ months – I still seem to get mild outbreaks, where I think it is “coming” and I increase my dosage till it decreases. I am fatigued at random times, I get very depressed at times, and I have good days too. I know how well I am loved by my partner, and that despite all of this, we have the beginnigs of a beautiful relationship – built on skype, herpes, distance, and the love and support and patience we have shown each toher through this ordeal (not to mention all those beautiful things that attracted us in the first place).

 

But I remain frustrated – the trait in me that helped me ignore and deny the herpes continues still – and now I feel paranoid that my boyfriend is tired of comforting me, or only sees me in terms of the pain, or think that it is my fault when I get sick (he continues to say, don’t get stressed, because you only get sicker when you are). All while he is fine!!!!! Maybe he has fallen a little out of love with me through this, but he is still with me, and I think it is in a genuine form. He comes to visit me in December. But all of our talks of marriage and a life together have been shrunk to the “next step” – and I feel like I am being punished for the fact that I have herpes. I am quite proud of how I am coping – I have been reaching out, I have been getting my work done, and while I do get depressed, I am fighting. But it is a struggle. I wake up and have days with acceptance and clarity, and other days where I am just so so sad. I am fortunate to have someone in my life though that hasn’t given up yet even though we have had many problems. Even today we had a short little conversation and he sent me affection and support. I need to be focusing on the good things. So, I’m glad to see this website with so may optimistic views and I admire all of your for your positive spirit and sharing your experiences.

 

And now I have so many questions, I want some perspective:

1) Should he still get tested? I want him too, but he doesn’t have much money, and now that I have it, he thinks it’s not really necessary. For me it is, though, does he have type I or type II? And I want him to be tested for other STDs as well. He will do it if I ask (just to make me happy), but I want to explain to him why it’s good. What reasons do you think? I think if he does it just for me it could lead to resentment down the road, so I want it to be something we agree on. Right now, however, I feel disregarded since he hasn't made it a priority (he even forgot about it!!!)

2) How should I cope with this feeling of “it’s not fair” that he gets to live his life when mine is so seriously compromised? I don’t want him to suffer as I am, but it hurts that I am left alone at times. He can’t be with me always, and he needs to live his life. Any ideas how to resolve this feeling?

3) I am trying to share my depression and pain with more than just my boyfriend, so he doesn’t have to deal with all of it. But it makes me feel more alone when I need to go to other folks than him. I have been seeing a therapist, and talking to friends. Any other suggestions?

4) Any other words of encouragement or thoughts?

 

I am very fortunate to have access to this medicine and that it is working for me, to have a beautiful boyfriend who is loyal and kind through all of this, and a job I believe in to motivate me. Yet, I feel I can’t appreciate things. My happiness feels a little empty and all a little grey and I am trying to fight this, to go back to the light and happy moments of my heart. How did you all do it? Your stories encourage me so much, so thank you for sharing them.

[lotussmoke]

Well miss... i dont have a boyfriend and i dont have your answers...i was blindly affected all i wanted to do was party and enjoy my birthday like everyother teen turning 18...i got blackout drunk and woke up in a mans bed missing parts of clothing..i hurt severly in my thighs and could barely walk..despite the stomach curdling hangover that plagued my nervous mind..i ended up making it home..a day after turning 18 i was eating a hotpocket and out of nowhere RAN to the restroom and violently threw it uo...my vagina hurt like hell and i knew the way i was feeling soomethiing was hella wrong...i was diagnosed with herpes simplex virus 2 and told my mom it wad a yeast infection... i still cant come to terms with it..i lost my medicade last month when i turned 19 and now have no way of getting my month supply of valtrex.. i do not know what the future holds for me but i start community college in january for medical assisting and pray for the best..were not disgusting..an accident happened but were still blessed with the life we were given. Live to the fullest...it could be worse..heres a virtual hug..i rock at hugs..idk you but i love you and we are beautiful Please hang in there suicide is not an option. I just say that because i figured it was my only option after i was infected..feel free to message me you seem very successful and like a nice person

[Sabrinalexandra]

You are lucky to have to have someone so supportive, but you would be just fine to get through this on your own and with us if you needed to. It is good you are talking with a therapist. Herpes really isn't the end of the world, even though at first it seems like it will be. You have a virus that causes a skin condition, albeit an annoying and sometimes painful one, but regardless a skin condition and nothing more.

 

If him getting tested would make you feel better, I would assume there are clinics where he lives that would have reasonable rates for the blood work needed. I would ask him to do it if you think it would make a difference. My BIGGER concern is what else might be lurking, especially if he hasn't been tested for other things. It seems like many STDs stay hidden and many have no symptoms, so if that isn't enough of a reason to get tested, than I would wonder why he wouldn't want to be tested?!

 

He does get to live his life and apparently he is not buying into the negative stigma that herpes has here in the States. You can empower yourself the same way, it is just harder because you have to reprogram the way you think about the virus. This is not easy and we all learn at our own pace. Your life is not so seriously compromised, as I am positive, and I am not a doctor, but I feel fairly certain you aren't going to die from this virus ;) I can also say, I know you didn't say this but, you can date others if things don't workout with this guy. Even guys that don't have the virus. So, if part of the fear is being alone, I can say it isn't going to be because of the herpes.

 

As for your thoughts, they are normal and I don't know one of us who hasn't felt the way you have been feeling, it is ok to have these feelings. The important thing is that you realize that you are still the same awesome person you always were and nothing is really going to change all that much. You are not defective, or gross, or anything else you wrongfully tell yourself, you are human. You will be more aware of yourself and your body! Don't sell yourself short over a stigma we have been told this should have over our lives. This is fresh and you will figure it out. Lots of hugs and positive feelings your way!!! BTW, this forum is awesome and actually refreshing to read, comment, and start conversations with people who are supportive and get it!

[WCSDancer2010]

...I feel like I am being punished for the fact that I have herpes

 

Why on earth would you be punished for getting herpes? You were in a committed monogamous relationship. He didn't connect having had a cold sore with it being a possible STD. What is there to be punished for?

 

Gosh - you know, you HAVE what so many people on here wish they had - a supportive, understanding partner who does not look at you any differently because of your condition.

 

Personally, I would suggest you BOTH make sure you have the full gamut of STD tests run, just for peace of mind. But if he had a cold sore as a kid, it's pretty certain that is where you got it. You just need to discount any of the other STD's that are out there. As Sabrinaalexandra said, a lot of STD's can be virtually silent for years - assuming you stay together, you only need to do this the one time, and then all questions around STD's are answered.

 

And regarding "fairness" ....Tough love warning here....life isn't fair. ....Get used to it. ;) HOWEVER, do know that the outbreaks should lessen and your life WILL get back to normal. It's easy to think you will never be "normal" when you are in pain... but it will. And some day he may have to go through something and you will be the one who is the supporter. That's all part of partnership. Sometimes life is better for one or the other of you...and that's when you are there for the one who is dealing with illness, family issues, job issues, or whatever.

 

This is one of the best places for you to vent and cry and know that there is someone there for you. He can't understand what you are going through because he has lived with it and doesn't know any better ... so if you need support from people who know where you are at, we are here. You may want to see if there is a support group in your area....

 

Local support group list:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-support-groups/

 

And although I know you want him to be there for you, don't put it all on him. Sometimes it's good to "spread the load" out a bit... I'm glad you have told friends and are seeing a therapist. I'm sure he will be there when you REALLY need him...let the others help to lighten the load for him when you just need to vent or cry.

 

You WILL get through this. One of the biggest things is to develop a positive attitude to this. Honestly. I know it's easy to let the pain and frustration get to you. But look for the blessings that you have in life - most especially a wonderful BF who is standing by you as you go through this. Herpes really IS only a nuisance skin condition ... once your body gets your immune system up and running you will find the OB's will be minor or will stop all together. And life will get back to normal. Promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[WCSDancer2010]

lotussmoke:

 

I just also wanted to acknowledge your story. So sorry you experienced that.... did you not go to authorities though? If you were black out drunk you were not able to consent. I usually wouldn't encourage someone to take someone to court over Herpes but this is so much more than that and if nothing else you might get your medical expenses/counseling covered by him.

 

Also, acyclovir is a LOT less expensive than Valtrex if you have to pay out of pocket - and I found a bunch of online "prescription cards" that lowered my cost to less than $10/month. Just google "Prescription Card" and your state. I think it lowered my cost by 60% - maybe more.

 

(((HUGS)))