When is the best time to have the herpes talk?

[kitcattat]

So like most of the posts I have, they usually start off with Im seeing this guy and it's starting to get serious. He doesn't know I have herpes yet, and yes I want to tell him, i just have no clue when I should. Unlike most of my situations, we haven't been anywhere near having sex, so it hasn't come up. I have this feeling a relationship is going to happen first before having sex, which is totally fine and really ideal, but Im just scared that if we're in a relationship first and I wait to tell him it might go badly. I just have no clue how to bring it up!!! It's just so hard, I feel like every time I disclose, it's a new situation. I would appreciate any advice :)

[mr_hopp]

I have my fail proof way that I know if it's time to disclose, but I'd like to hear your ideas first. :) What told you to disclose in the past? It's certainly not after a certain number of dates or after a certain length of time ... It's something that has to do with a feeling you have. (I feel like we're playing 20 questions) ;)

[kitcattat]

In the past, it was usually time to disclose when I had a feeling we were close to having sex...not right before sex, but like i knew it would be coming up in the next date or so. And like I said, it's usually the sex comes first and then the relationship, never the other way around...which is dumb but Im just telling like it is. I guess it is determined by how emotionally close I feel with them, if a good opportunity comes up of me telling them I need to have a talk with them, or something along those lines. In the past opportune times just happened to come up, but I never was in a relationship with them. The only reason Im freaking out(other than the obvious reason) is because I'm almost 90% positive that he's gonna ask me out Monday and I feel like I can't say yes until I tell him about my herpes! I feel like thatd be a good time to tell him, but I feel kinda shitty doing it then... ughhh idk!!! I definitely have the feeling that I WANT to tell him, but again Im nervous for fear of rejection and also just don't know how to bring it up. I would love to hear your fail proof way of knowing the time to disclose Adrial!

[NewOne]

I just disclosed my HSV2 status to the person I've been seeing for a month. I know it sounds short. But we feel both are future partner materials. Besides, I feel the next stage will be exclusivity. It would be unfair to lead him into exclusivity if he isn't aware of my H status. So on Friday, I disclosed to him after an intimate movie date. We both had deeper discussion during the movie date even including sex talk. Because what I believe, I told him no sex until commitment of love for the very least. He agreed. And this makes me feel safe to disclose at the end of the date night when we were walking along lakeshore. He took it well, thinking it's not a bit deal. But since the talk, he's been radio silence for about 48-hours. We decide to talk over the phone on Monday. Regardless his decision or preference, I still think he's a good person that I connect emotionally, mentally and spiritually. If the answer is not together, I'm ok. If it is together, I would feel it is the plan all along. Either way, I'm content.

 

Should I wait for another month? Maybe. But I would always hear this voice in the back of my mind that I should disclose sooner than later. Now it's out, regardless his thinking/consideration results, I believe it is only good for me, for us both. I wouldn't want his love with any hesitation, hold-back. I believe he thinks the same as well. If the love is strong, we would overcome this and be connected completely with sincerity.

 

Dear H forum friends, pray with me for a good outcome. I know it will. Even if he says no, I know I could move on to find the right person for me, for us both. Wouldn't you agree?

[NewOne]

Ok, a quick update. The guy said no. I didn't take it too badly to my own surprise. This is a good filter that weeded out someone who is looking for a perfect woman. We are imperfect that's why we are really and cute in some way. :)

Again, I wouldn't want it in any other way. This is good to end the relationship early before I fall in love. Take care, y'all.

[mr_hopp]

@kitcattat - Sounds like quite the back and forth battle inside of you! I feel your pain. Been there, done that! I struggled with this dilemma for a super long time. Super long! :)

 

Here's the quick answer on when to tell the person you're interested in that you have herpes: When you feel that you can trust them with vulnerable information. Period. That's the litmus test.

 

Why? Because saying that you have herpes IS vulnerable. People could hurt you in that vulnerability, they could reject you, they could judge you, they could tell others, etc. Just like you wouldn't tell strangers your most intimate details, like your credit card number or if your mom and dad are going through a bad divorce or whatever other things you wouldn't share with just anyone. And herpes just so happens to be one of the most vulnerable pieces of information to share. Because it has to do with sex, and sex hits very close to home, close to the heart, close to the core. So only disclose to someone you feel you can trust. If you don't feel like you can trust them yet, then wait to disclose and wait to have sex. If you feel like you'd never be able to trust them with that information, then you just saved yourself from having sex with someone you don't trust! ;) I'll tell you, after many times of having disconnected, shallow sex in my past, I now do have a bias toward being at the very least emotionally connected to the person I am having sex with. And having the herpes talk makes sure emotional intimacy comes before physical intimacy. What do you think?

[mr_hopp]

@NewOne - How are you feeling about it deep down? How you wrote it seems like overall you're okaaaaay, but I wanted to ask just in case what you're saying comes from any kind of denial of what you may be feeling underneath the okayness. Because it's okay to feel whatever pain and/or disappointment that comes from someone saying no. Even though it doesn't mean you're a bad/loose/dirty/_____ (insert self-judgment here) person, it can still hurt or feel sad to have something end that you might have had hopes for. Feeling all of that in the moment is healthy. What's not healthy is having the "no" give you free license to beat yourself up or wallow in the self-pity (I don't see you doing that, just see that trend a lot). Make sense? I just want to make sure you're allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgment or expectation. That's the key to moving through the healing process. And I want you to heal so that when you do get that big YES, your heart will be open and totally available to it! :) Big hug to you! Big, biiiig hug!