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Please help. Married for 10 years

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Hi there,

I have been married for 10 years and am 30 years old and had my first outbreak.    My husband is the only person I have been sexual with.   In high school I made out with a few guys but that was it.    The same goes for my husband.

when I found out from my obgyn that I had genital herpes she said to have a serious convo with my husband.   I did and I believe him but am I wrong?  He has been working out of town the last couple months and is staying in a home with co workers.   He said he made the mistake of leaving his toothbrush and towel in there.   Could that have been how I got it?  

he has never had any symptoms or cold sores but does go down on me.   

it is so bad I can not take it.     I had to drop my kid baby off at my parents bc it’s so bad.   I have about 10 sores all around and inside my vagina including my butthole.   It started on the weekend being super sentive to touch and Sunday I noticed 1 tear and Monday multiple tears.    Tuesday saw my gyno and by then they became blisters.     I can not take this pain nor can I imagine this happening again.   Help.  So many thoughts 

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I would maybe ask your husband to get a blood test to see if he is positive for Herpes.  Herpes can't really live outside the body so getting it from a tooth brush or a towel is highly unlikely.   Like Bloomer asked, I would get those blisters swabbed to see if you have HSV1 or HSV2.  Did the gynecologist give you any antivirals to take?  Taking antivirals could help the symptoms lessen over time.  Normally the first outbreak is the worst. 

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1 hour ago, MaddieLynn said:

@Bloomerhi yes they did and I just got off the phone and it is HSV1

Hey, sorry that you're going through this. This is your first initial outbreak, so it's very likely that you'll never experience this type of pain again. 

HSV1 is carried by 1/2 the population of people aged 14-49 in the US. Globally, it's close to 2/3.

The US has some of the lowest rates of HSV infection in the world due to stigma and ironically safe-sex practices. One of the things we're seeing more and more however, is people not getting cold sores as children as more and more mothers/fathers are adamant about not kissing their children. Ironically, this is leaving more people vulnerable to GENITAL HSV1 infections later in life to the point that nearly half of new genital herpes infections are caused by people with oral herpes giving oral sex.

Your husband is the source, no doubt about it. But it's also fair to not blame him. Most standard STI panels DO NOT include herpes as the CDC recommends against it. 80-90 percent of HSV carriers NEVER display any symptoms. Unfortunately, you are a member of the 10-20 percent that do. Transmission rates are relatively low to the point that some people don't transmit until a decade into the relationship, or never at all. It could also have been dormant in you for years and this is your first outbreak.

In any case, you have a loving husband that's going to be there for you. The biggest thing about having herpes is the stigma that comes with it for just about everyone.

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I have seen on this website that during the first outbreak, people will experience flu like symptoms.  Its your body's way of fighting against this outbreak.   The Valtrex will hopefully help with the symptoms and help lessen the outbreak all together.  

It's definitely possible that your 2 year old could have been exposed.  You have genital HSV1, so kissing and any other interactions wont transmit the virus that way.  You need to have skin to skin contact with the infected area.  It could be possible that your husband has oral HSV1 (possibly from childhood and could be asymptomatic) and he transmitted it to you during oral sex.  

Genital HSV1 normally has less frequent and less severe outbreaks so hopefully if you have any in the future, they wont be as bad.  I had my first outbreak in July and it was terrible but I haven't had another one yet.  

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I've never heard of it before.  I did put it in the search bar up top and it came up with a couple other people mentioning it on this forum as well.  You can definitely do that and find out more information about it.  

My doctor prescribed me Hydrocortisone with Lidocaine in it to help with the pain.   

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Turns out I found out that husband cheated on me with a stranger.    Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me.

we have a 1 year old.   Been together since I was 18.   I have no clue what I’m going to do.


now I have a life long STD.  I’m sick to my stomach 

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I am so terribly sorry that happened to you.  Whatever you decide to do, just know that having herpes isn't the end of the world.  Almost 2/3rds of the population have HSV.  I have been through some crap relationships so I know it can be super tough to realize the person you love betrayed you and gave you something that is life long.  Just take some deep breaths and remember that stress is a trigger for outbreaks ( I know thats terrible advice right now because how can you try to calm down in this situation but I dont want your pain to get worse) 

I know this first outbreak was a nightmare, but it will get better.  

We are here for you ❤️ 

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Hello @MaddieLynn,

I am so sorry that you have been through this whirlwind of emotions and stress. Please know you are not alone and this is not your fault. The way others treat you is a reflection of them, not of you. I am sorry your husband was unfaithful. You, nor your child, deserved that. 

Right now, focus on you and your mental and physical health and well-being. How are your symptoms? Have they subsided since last Wednesday? 

Be kind to yourself and let the emotions flow. You are probably feeling so many feelings right now, so take the time to process them and let them out, whether it's crying or taking a really long shower, or listening to music or taking a nap with your child. 

I am praying for you! ❤️ You will make it through this. 



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@MaddieLynn When I had my first outbreak the pain and itching were unreal. If you are still having a lot of discomfort try sitting in a bathtub with a little baking soda. It helped me tremendously. Another thing that helped was putting an icepack on the sores - not directly of course but wrapped in a towel through my underwear. That was a lifesaver at night. Motrin may or may not be useful. Sometimes I felt relief with it other times I didn't. I hope some of these can help you get relief.

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He’s been working out of town the last couple months and comes home on the weekends.   He has been going to a swinger/whore house.   He still went after he found out I had an STD last week.   I don’t know who he is.   

I went to get tested for further STD’s.   I am praying I do not have anything else.  

I’ve never been in another relationship,  I don’t know how to move on.   I don’t want my daughters life to change.  Im a stay at home mom.   

I can’t get past this.   I need help what to do. 

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I am sorry you are dealing with this.  If you are planning on leaving the relationship, i'm sure there are resources in your community that can help a single mother.  I work for a CAP agency which is a Community Action Program.  I believe they are all over the country.  Depending on what state you live in ( if you are even located in the United States)  They have programs like SNAP, Divisionary Work Programs, Head Start, Daycare Assistance and so much more.  You can look into programs like that in order to start over.  I've been there, I've done it with a small child and I know it is hard.  Do you have any family members who can help?  

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Yes, there are so many resources that can help! You can contact social services in your area and they can connect you with enrolling in the resources Alli mentioned. 

Also, when your child becomes of school age, the child's school can provide assistance with services as well. 

You are a mama bear and you are strong, independent, and a warrior. You are smarter than you know and stronger than you know. As Bob Marley said, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ❤️ 

Do you have any friends to support you? Another great resource is a women's shelter or center, as they can guide you to places for support and help you with finding childcare if needed. What's important is that you and your child are safe physically and emotionally. Are you going to stay in your home or will you ask him to leave? Can you stay with a friend or a relative? 

If you need legal advice (who owns the house, bank accounts, etc) I would talk to the women's shelter because they help women in difficult situations leave those who are not treating them right or abusing them. Making sure you have access to money, credit card(s), and important documents in your own accounts/in your possession are all essential to your independence.

You can do this! ❤️ 

We are supporting you every step of the way. I am praying for you! ❤️ 


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Hi everyone.

now that my outbreak is healing.    It is extremely itchy.   I used to shave but now reading it says that shaving can cause outbreaks so I am willing never to shave again.    I had sores in the inside of my anus as well as it sooo itchy there too. 

Any recommendations?  

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Hi! 🙂 

I hope you are doing okay. I am so happy to hear that the outbreak is healing! 

Shaving can be a trigger for some folks, it all depends on the individual. 

You might still not feel the best down there and that is normal, especially after a really bad first outbreak. Internal sores are terrible, I am so sorry you experienced that. 

On the bright side, you made it! 🙂 Things are going to keep getting better. Always remember how strong you are ❤️ 


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@MaddieLynn Maybe try some Hydrocortisone.   My doctor prescribed the hydrocortisone with lidocaine to kind of numb the pain. 

I don't get outbreaks from shaving and I shave normally once a week so its different for everyone.  

It kind of a guessing game as to what triggers your outbreaks unfortunately. 

I hope you feel better soon. 

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