chapstick1520

When did you break up/are you in regular contact with her?

What did she say?

I would reach out to her tomorrow.

I sent her an email. As a 31M with HSV2, I'd to help provide a male perspective on this. My biggest thing - I don't want to see promising relationships have to end solely because of this.

I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk anymore? If you had told her before would she have still proceeded?

Slow, I get it. But NOT SIX MONTHS. One or two months would be the max I'd be willing to wait for someone. You wouldn't taken the risk for the guy because he wasn't a long-term prospect. You have quickly discarded him for someone "disease-free" (which is a misnomer because we carry multiple incurable viruses in the herpesvirus family already). That's why he didn't disclose. You would have treated him differently, when in reality he probably didn't do anything different than you in acquiring it. My ex-gf who gave me HSV2 when I was 26, she didn't disclose because initially she thought I was a one-night-stand. After living with it for 5 years and hardly ANY symptoms in the last 4, I'm not mad at her for not disclosing, because I'll be honest, you do the research and this isn't something that's on ANYONE's radar 40 years ago. Stigma was created artificially by a combination of drug companies, super-Conservative preachers, an end to the hippie movement, and hysteria from the media. Genital herpes stigma history: how an innocuous skin condition became “sexual leprosy” and sparked a myth about drug companies. (slate.com) I always provide this little article, because while I think it's perfectly sound to not want to have bumps on your mouth and/or genitals, truth is most people with it don't. Most people that have it don't know, and most importantly, MOST PEOPLE HAVE IT, if you count HSV1 and 2 (which I do - some people make a difference, but the symptoms are the same and the only main difference is preferred location and transmission rates/shedding depending on the location). We only talk about it as a thing - this forum only exists, people's fears only exist, because of that hype that snowballed in the late 1970s. Because any medical person will tell you - this is harmless, except to babies (and that is easily mitigated). You or your guy wouldn't be having the conversation When I was 17 years old, my high school girlfriend committed suicide. I remember at one point both of our parents made us get STI tests at 16. Turns out, she claimed to have been raped or sexually assaulted by her stepfather and there was a chance she could have gotten something. I never remember caring and was worried about her. I wouldn't have left her if she was positive, even for HIV. I LOVED HER. She was my first - my high school sweetheart. I thought I was going to marry her. I wear a tattoo of a flamingo in her memory and while I tried to kill myself in the past, I'm determined to live and love again, because if I end it now, I will only ensure that my fear of dying along comes true. After I left my gifter, I felt like I was the man. I was free... and I tore my ACL that very day playing sports, but I didn't let it deter me. Two months later (back in October 2022), I disclosed to this beautiful tall blonde at the end of our fourth date. She's a special-ed teacher, and within four dates, I was fully in love with her. She was everything I wanted and more - physical, our conversations flowed... I remember the butterflies in my stomach that I got at the beginning of every date I was on with her.She was leading me into my bedroom and was going to have sex with me, no questions asked. She was my first major disclosure, so I didn't really know when to have the conversation. I just remember the color draining from her face and then she said "I gotta think about it". We still got intimate short of PIV. Ironically, she told me she gets cold sores - which is what kind of pisses me off here in hindsight. She HAS herpes too. Your guy has herpes too. You've been exposing yourself to herpes your entire life because 1/2 of the men you come across have at least HSV1. Why do we fear HSV2? The symptoms are the same. Your guy and my love interest are fully capable of creating their own dealbreaker and capable of creating someone like you and me. Obviously it would have been genital HSV1 in this case, but as far as I'm concerned, herpes is herpes- the symptoms are the same. Btw, she never disclosed her oral herpes to me until I disclosed my genital herpes a month in. Ironic, right? A week passes and we have the best date of the six that we were on. I'm haunted by the memory of her near the end pulling me in to her by my shirt, kissing me, and looking up at me saying "[My name], I DO LIKE YOU." I had mentioned that I wanted to take things slowly to make her feel more comfortable; she responded by making with me and then taking me over to the hedges where she pulled me into her. She ended it after the next date, where we went hiking by the river. I'm overwhelmed by my feelings for her and I ask her if she wanted to be exclusive. "I gotta think about it." She ended it the night of my ACL surgery, two nights later. "I'm sorry! I've been thinking about I don't see this getting serious. I DO like you, but I'm not in the right headspace and I wanted to be honest." It's been two and a half years. I cried last night and this morning. I've thought about her every single day for two and a half years. And she probably doesn't think about me at all, and if she does, she thinks I'm a nut. I tried reaching out to her after she ended and I just laid my heart out... overwhelmed her, and probably really scared her. The irony is that I've had the vast majority of my disclosures go well - I've been denied by her and two other women out of 15 disclosures. I'm in a relationship now with someone else who's positive. But I'm not sure if it will last. I still get nightmares about that girl. I sometimes think that I'm living in some alternate universe that wasn't supposed to happen. Thing is, I don't care about having herpes. I care that other people care. If you were someone I really liked or the teacher I disclosed to had it, and I was negative, I doubt I have the same reaction. I probably would not have cared. Which is kind of a blessing, isn't it? I would have made the jump for her. If she couldn't for me, could she truly ever love me in the way that I want. Could she have ever reciprocated my potential love for her. The answer is no. Same with your guy. The silence is deafening, isn't it? If he cared, he would have reached out, wouldn't he have?

Did you disclose to your ex? Was she interested in you beforehand? Have you actually disclosed before?

If the shoe was on the other foot (he positive and you negative) do you accept or reject him?

It's already been too long. The irony is that he has herpes and is just a risk to people that don't have it themselves. He could give someone genital herpes. His HSV1 makes it much more likelier that he never develops symptoms if he gets HSV2. He loves you? He wouldn't treat you like a biohazard. He either thinks you're worth it, or not. At his age, more than 1/4 of women have HSV2 and he's almost certainly encountered someone with this unknowingly. Someone that claims to love you wouldn't treat you in this manner and would accept you very early on. This is emotional abuse, whether or not he realizes it. He's reducing you to a virus, a strain of which HE ALREADY HAS. I would issue an ultimatum. If the shoe was on the other foot and he had HSV2 and you didn't, are you acting this way or do you accept him? Secondly, this just confirms the stigma. All genital herpes is is cold sores on another part of the body. He already has herpes on the mouth, WHY does it matter where else it is? Stigma. Stigma. Stigma.

Not just someone, close to half, if not more. You’ve been exposing yourself countless times.

In addition to here, I would also recommend posting on r/hsvpositive or r/herpesquestions on reddit. I'm an HSVpositive male and would be happy to answer any questions.

Can you tell me what she said to you? Have you talked to her since?

I mean, you CAN give him unprotected oral sex, it's just that there is a risk. However, OHSV2 is less than 1% of oral herpes cases if I can recall. It would be the same as getting a normal cold sore PLUS HSV2 doesn't like to be present orally - meaning you'd probably only get one or two outbreaks total if you get any at all. Remember 80-90 percent of HSV carriers are fully asymptomatic - they never get symptoms. You being with this guy isn't a guarantee you get HSV and even if you do you likely never get ANY symptoms. With approximately 2-3 sex acts a week, you run a 10% chance of getting it in a year. With antivirals or condoms, 5%; both 2.5% conservatively (condoms can reduce transmission to negative women by up to 96%) - liberally you have a less than one percent chance of getting it in a year. The longer he has it the less he sheds. Those figures I provided were averages - so again, possibly an even LESSER risk for you considering how long he's had it and how long he's been asymptomatic. Think about it this way- with 2-3 sex acts a week in a year, you have a 0.2 percent chance of developing symptoms in said year. Obviously if y'all are horndogs, the numbers go up. https://slate.com/technology/2019/12/genital-herpes-stigma-history-explained.html Read the above article. The below is what I tell a LOT of people who are being disclosed to: It's not the boogeyman that it's made out to be. You can have kids, a full life (this doesn't reduce lifespan) - I donated blood just a few weeks ago. Here's something that will either scare you or make you feel better. 2/3 of the world's population has herpes. Most of these are oral herpes (HSV1), but if you have neither strain, ALL of them are capable of giving you genital herpes.

It certainly sounds like the coldness was related to the notion that you didn't want to pursue him because of the diagnosis. I'm really happy for you two.

How’s it going?

Lol, dude. You almost certainly have oral herpes. That number is so high because you’ve likely had it since a kid. Around 50 percent of people aged 14-49 in the US have HSV1; worldwide 2/3 of the global population has it. Congrats man, you just found out you have something in common with the rest of the human race. You didn’t get it from her.

I'm interested to know how this conversation goes.

Disclosing is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I'm a male with HSV2. I've had it for 3.5 years, haven't had any symptoms in the last 2.5. The most cruel thing about it for me is that I feel like I don't even have it, but I do. I have that label over my head. My personal experience is that the stigma far outweighs the symptoms for 99 percent of those with it. It's not this constant state of agony or bumps on your vagina. A good 80-90 percent of people who carry the virus NEVER display any symptoms. But disclosing is the hardest conversation I've ever had to have in my life. I never know how my partner is going to react - I say this, but as a 30M I've disclosed to 8 women in the past year and every single one has either had sex with me (6/8) and/or have continued to date me. However, I won't lie, I wonder if some of the people who continued to date me - if we fizzled out because of this. The most extreme reaction I had from someone was that she immediately said "I don't think we can be anything more than friends". I had disclosed to her on an app and we hadn't even met yet. I took up her offer, and naturally we're kissing the first night we hang out as platonic friends. She messages me the next morning, freaking out that by me kissing I gave her herpes (I know I have HSV2 genitally only, not oral herpes). I give her some stats and we hang out again. We ended up dating for two months, but she was always flip-flopping. She would flirt and act sexy, only to get cold feet a few minutes later. There was hardly any intimacy between us, and we never had sex. One night, she casually mentions to me on the couch that she has lupus, an autoimmune disorder. Immediately I start crying, because I know that her being immunocompromised means that she could get it worse. I also felt like she was stringing me along. I did react poorly (sobbing "WE CAN'T BE") and she ended it a week later. We get in contact again several months later after the next guy she's with dumped her (I was the only one who stayed after a few dates), and SHE was distraught. I remember telling her, "you know, it's a shame I never got to see you fully naked; did he?" "Yeah, probably when we were having sex..." I lost it. A few seconds later, I'm telling her "I was hoping you could have accepted me". "I never had to accept anything. I DON'T WANT IT." She slept with another guy after four dates because she took his word that he was "clean" - when I drove 30 miles every other night, sometimes to be awake with her for 30 minutes before she went to bed. I walked her dogs, I gave her backrubs, I took out her trash. I gave her my all. A little over a year ago, I disclosed to this beautiful tall blonde at the end of our fourth date. She's a special-ed teacher, and I fell in love with her. She was everything I wanted and more. I remember the butterflies in my stomach that I got at the beginning of every date I was on with her. She was leading me into my bedroom and was going to have sex with me, no questions asked. She was my first major disclosure, so I didn't really know when to have the conversation. I just remember the color draining from her face and then she said "I gotta think about it". We still got intimate short of PIV. Ironically, she told me she gets cold sores (oral herpes HSV1, which can be transmitted genitally, btw). A week passes and we have the best date of the six that we were on. I'm haunted by the memory of her near the end pulling me in to her by my shirt, kissing me, and looking up at me saying "[My name], I DO LIKE YOU." I had mentioned that I wanted to take things slowly to make her feel more comfortable; she responded by making with me and then taking me over to the hedges where she pulled me into her. She ended it after the next date, where we went hiking by the river. I'm overwhelmed by my feelings for her and I ask her if she wanted to be exclusive. "I gotta think about it." With that first girl, in the end, having herpes saved me from a potentially abusive and toxic relationship, just like I had with my gifter (my ex never disclosed to me and tried to trap me into marriage with her after six months). The teacher? It's been over a year, and I think about her every day. How she now likely thinks of me as a nut. How I'll never get another chance with her. How I could have been in a relationship with her. I can empathize with the notion that you feel like you're making a huge, life-altering decision here. But you have no right to feel betrayed. After some of these experiences, I don't plan on disclosing to women unless I've made it to at least five-six dates or a month. I have massive abandonment issues and these experiences I've gone through have made me feel a little guarded when it comes to opening my heart up. I'm afraid I'm going to fall in love with someone only to be coldly rebuffed, or worse (read on). If he had told you the first time he messaged you, you likely stop talking to each other. He still gave you a choice; you could have told him you weren't comfortable with it and/or not to come. I can empathize with his probable fear. Disclosing is legitimately the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. And sometimes I feel like I've lost people - including potentially the love of my life in this life, because I did the right thing, when my ex did not. I get to decide if the person I'm with is someone I see being with, and if that person is WORTHY of my disclosure, otherwise I end things before I get to that point. He did the right thing. He was probably scared to lose you. If he was talking to you for five months, you were special to him. I can understand not feeling like you had enough time to process it; I figure my pushiness and overeagerness is probably what scared that teacher away, and that if I had given her time, I'm with her now. You freaked out the first time after you all had sex and you even said you pulled away. Yeah, if someone's doing that, I would reckon (from my perspective) that you're going to be anxious every time you have sex, constantly checking for bumps or washing your hands. I would feel like a biohazard. It's one thing to be rejected. It's another to get the feeling that you were accepted, but in reality, they still don't know. The fear that I'm accepted, but at any point that you get a scare (whether I have a breakout or you suspect you're having one), whether it's next week or after a YEAR of being together, you randomly decide you can't do it anymore. You said you pulled away and he let you. Probably because he felt like you lost interest in him romantically, but he still wants to be friends because he thinks you're special. Maybe he lost interest after meeting you. But there's only one way to find out. Talk to him. If you're romantically interested in him, talk to him and confront him about it. None of these stupid guessing games.

It's not your business anymore. I know my ex (who gave it to me and didn't disclose) is still in denial out there and potentially transmitting it to others. You just have to focus on you and your current relationship (with someone I'm assuming accepted your status). Be good to each other.

Fyi, having HSV1 means that you are up to 3x as likely to be asymptomatic with HSV2. If you do get HSV2 outbreaks, they are almost certainly going to be mild and no worse than your HSV1 outbreaks. At this point, it's just the label of having both.

FYI, the chance of passing herpes on to a child during birth is about 1 in 3000, about 3 times LESS likely than giving birth to a child with down syndrome. The vast majority births from mothers with HSV1 or 2 genitally are done naturally and safely.

It's possible. She may also be exposed to oral herpes from someone else. And that's OKAY. Two generations ago 90% of the population had oral herpes. It's as common and harmless as the cold or flu. It may not seem like it right now, but it is. This pain will pass.

Hey, sorry that you're going through this. This is your first initial outbreak, so it's very likely that you'll never experience this type of pain again. HSV1 is carried by 1/2 the population of people aged 14-49 in the US. Globally, it's close to 2/3. The US has some of the lowest rates of HSV infection in the world due to stigma and ironically safe-sex practices. One of the things we're seeing more and more however, is people not getting cold sores as children as more and more mothers/fathers are adamant about not kissing their children. Ironically, this is leaving more people vulnerable to GENITAL HSV1 infections later in life to the point that nearly half of new genital herpes infections are caused by people with oral herpes giving oral sex. Your husband is the source, no doubt about it. But it's also fair to not blame him. Most standard STI panels DO NOT include herpes as the CDC recommends against it. 80-90 percent of HSV carriers NEVER display any symptoms. Unfortunately, you are a member of the 10-20 percent that do. Transmission rates are relatively low to the point that some people don't transmit until a decade into the relationship, or never at all. It could also have been dormant in you for years and this is your first outbreak. In any case, you have a loving husband that's going to be there for you. The biggest thing about having herpes is the stigma that comes with it for just about everyone.

Hey. I saw this message and I've read your story before -it was an inspiration for me and disclosing. I'm really disheartened by what's going on now and want to support you going through this in any way I can. I created this account just to reach out to you. My reddit username is chapstick1520 as well and we can DM there if you'd like. But if she really, truly loves you, then this isn't the dealbreaker. I'm sorry but you don't turn down someone you love for someone like this. You don't accept a proposal and say you love someone only to do this spiel over and over again. I reckon she's probably going through another fit of anxiety and if you went there in person she probably changes her tune. But at the same time, if she's been doing this for 2.5 years she is STRAIGHT-UP damaging your mental health. That's emotional abuse. You don't deserve that. Again, feel free to message me whenever is good for you. I'm a 30M with HSV2.