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How is your partner still handling it mentally? Last time I heard she was going back and forth between saying she loved you and that you hurt her.

You said he’s the perfect man though right? Obviously you’re young, but enjoy the relationship you’re in right now if it’s a good one and don’t take it out on him. Most people with herpes (which is about 2/3 of the general population) are asymptomatic. You could easily have had herpes already and have been asymptomatic yourself - and you wouldn’t have known until possibly much later or unknowingly gave someone else symptoms. It had a rough stigma but even the people who overreact likely have it themselves.

The thing that always gets me… I lost her by doing everything right. I thought that would have meant something. I could have had her by doing so many things wrong. I sacrificed my own happiness because I never wanted her to ever be subject to feelings of abuse or being trapped. And maybe it wasn’t just that. Maybe I was too immature, but everything was perfect until the disclosure and I had a false sense of security that it was alright after it. I’ve read all the articles and all of your YouTube videos, even from years ago. You’re almost famous. You ever think some of those women who turned you down watched them or read those articles, and thought about reaching out to you? All I guess I wanted was closure. And I’ll never get it in the way that I want it, but I have to make peace with it. In your case, you had someone that accepted you wholeheartedly. I get nightmares that my current partner would have turned me down if she was negative. I still can’t feel fully accepted. I know I would accepted someone for this. I never imagined that someone who felt for me the way I know they did would… and it still reverberates with me. As much as having this doesn’t define your worth, in the eyes of others, it absolutely does. I wasn’t worth being in a relationship with to her. I love my current girlfriend, but I still find it hard to get past the trauma of that rejection. My gf is great and she’s sticking with me through this as I try to make peace. Did you have someone you truly grieved not having that opportunity to be with? If so when did you get over it? Did you still struggle with the pain years later?

I'm 32 a year old male with HSV2. I lost my high school girlfriend to suicide when I was 17. She was my first love and for a while, my only love and after that I struggled with dating for a while. I moved to a new city five years ago, and moved in with my ex, who gave me HSV2. She knew she had it and didn't tell me. I forgive in her in hindsight, because who knows how I would have reacted? I also believe HSV is a nothingburger from a medical perspective. But after two years of a toxic relationship, I met a beautiful woman, a teacher, who was everything that I had ever hoped to have in a partner. I was in love with her, almost at first sight. She gave me feelings no woman since my high school girlfriend had given me. After four dates, she came back to my apartment and unfortunately I realized I had to disclose, and I did so while she was in my bed taking her clothes off (bad call, I know, but it was my first major disclosure, and I didn't know how to act differently). I just remember the look on her face saying "I gotta think about it". We still got intimate, but in a way that didn't put her at risk (kept my underwear on). A week later, I get to go on a date with her and she nearly cancels - I convinced her to meet me someplace near her. It was the best date we had. I remember telling her about the elephant in the room, and how I want to take things slowly at a pace that was comfortable with her. She kissed me and leaned heads against each other. I will always remember and be haunted by the kiss she gave me a few minutes later. She grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me into her and kissed me for what seemed like forever. I thought I was gonna marry her. I thought after all the shit I'd gone through in my life... I had beaten the game. I won. I thought she had accepted it. We went on one more date, and near the end I could feel herself getting distant. One of the last things she said to me in person - I was mentioning I was hungry, heard her say something, and repeated myself. "I'm sorry". Her hand was on my left leg. She texted me two days later after no communication before. "I'm sorry, I've been thinking about this and I don't see this getting serious. I'm sorry." Followed up by "I'm really sorry. I DO like you but I'm not in the right headspace and wanted to be honest." I've since translated that to "I do like you, but I can't take the risk and wanted to be honest." I cried for months and went from woman to woman to woman just looking for acceptance. I found a lot of it. Most women, 90% or more, kept seeing me/had sex with me/dated me, entered relationships with me. They all ended because of my own immaturity, and because I couldn't get over the person I thought was meant to be with. I've just wanted someone to think I was worth it. With my high school gf, I feel like I wasn't able to save her (I know I couldn't have done anything). With this girl, I feel to this day like I killed her. I lost her by doing everything right, when I could have had her, no questions asked, by doing so many things wrong. I was seeing someone long-distance who also had HSV and asked her if she'd be with me if I was positive and she negative. She said probably not. I freaked out and she ultimately ended the relationship, but I felt like I could never be fully loved by someone who couldn't accept me even with this. I felt like she was settling because of our diagnosis. The hardest part is, for that teacher, and for that girl long-distance, I would have said yes without hesitation. For the teacher, I cried my eyes out drunk at a bar six months ago saying "I WOULDN'T HAVE CARED IF IT WAS HER". I'm in a relationship now with someone else who is HSV2 positive, and I've told her all about my losses and my struggles with acceptance, my nightmares that she wouldn't have accepted me either. Even when I self-sabotage, she's there for me, and loves me and supports me in every way that I've truly wanted. She's the best girlfriend I've ever had. And yet I still grieve that teacher from three years ago. A part of me feels like I'll never truly heal and a part of me will always wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have herpes or if she had accepted me. I think this virus is so dumb, and I don't believe the hype. I would have accepted her. This is a mental illness more than anything else.

When did you break up/are you in regular contact with her?

What did she say?

I would reach out to her tomorrow.

I sent her an email. As a 31M with HSV2, I'd to help provide a male perspective on this. My biggest thing - I don't want to see promising relationships have to end solely because of this.

I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk anymore? If you had told her before would she have still proceeded?

Slow, I get it. But NOT SIX MONTHS. One or two months would be the max I'd be willing to wait for someone. You wouldn't taken the risk for the guy because he wasn't a long-term prospect. You have quickly discarded him for someone "disease-free" (which is a misnomer because we carry multiple incurable viruses in the herpesvirus family already). That's why he didn't disclose. You would have treated him differently, when in reality he probably didn't do anything different than you in acquiring it. My ex-gf who gave me HSV2 when I was 26, she didn't disclose because initially she thought I was a one-night-stand. After living with it for 5 years and hardly ANY symptoms in the last 4, I'm not mad at her for not disclosing, because I'll be honest, you do the research and this isn't something that's on ANYONE's radar 40 years ago. Stigma was created artificially by a combination of drug companies, super-Conservative preachers, an end to the hippie movement, and hysteria from the media. Genital herpes stigma history: how an innocuous skin condition became “sexual leprosy” and sparked a myth about drug companies. (slate.com) I always provide this little article, because while I think it's perfectly sound to not want to have bumps on your mouth and/or genitals, truth is most people with it don't. Most people that have it don't know, and most importantly, MOST PEOPLE HAVE IT, if you count HSV1 and 2 (which I do - some people make a difference, but the symptoms are the same and the only main difference is preferred location and transmission rates/shedding depending on the location). We only talk about it as a thing - this forum only exists, people's fears only exist, because of that hype that snowballed in the late 1970s. Because any medical person will tell you - this is harmless, except to babies (and that is easily mitigated). You or your guy wouldn't be having the conversation When I was 17 years old, my high school girlfriend committed suicide. I remember at one point both of our parents made us get STI tests at 16. Turns out, she claimed to have been raped or sexually assaulted by her stepfather and there was a chance she could have gotten something. I never remember caring and was worried about her. I wouldn't have left her if she was positive, even for HIV. I LOVED HER. She was my first - my high school sweetheart. I thought I was going to marry her. I wear a tattoo of a flamingo in her memory and while I tried to kill myself in the past, I'm determined to live and love again, because if I end it now, I will only ensure that my fear of dying along comes true. After I left my gifter, I felt like I was the man. I was free... and I tore my ACL that very day playing sports, but I didn't let it deter me. Two months later (back in October 2022), I disclosed to this beautiful tall blonde at the end of our fourth date. She's a special-ed teacher, and within four dates, I was fully in love with her. She was everything I wanted and more - physical, our conversations flowed... I remember the butterflies in my stomach that I got at the beginning of every date I was on with her.She was leading me into my bedroom and was going to have sex with me, no questions asked. She was my first major disclosure, so I didn't really know when to have the conversation. I just remember the color draining from her face and then she said "I gotta think about it". We still got intimate short of PIV. Ironically, she told me she gets cold sores - which is what kind of pisses me off here in hindsight. She HAS herpes too. Your guy has herpes too. You've been exposing yourself to herpes your entire life because 1/2 of the men you come across have at least HSV1. Why do we fear HSV2? The symptoms are the same. Your guy and my love interest are fully capable of creating their own dealbreaker and capable of creating someone like you and me. Obviously it would have been genital HSV1 in this case, but as far as I'm concerned, herpes is herpes- the symptoms are the same. Btw, she never disclosed her oral herpes to me until I disclosed my genital herpes a month in. Ironic, right? A week passes and we have the best date of the six that we were on. I'm haunted by the memory of her near the end pulling me in to her by my shirt, kissing me, and looking up at me saying "[My name], I DO LIKE YOU." I had mentioned that I wanted to take things slowly to make her feel more comfortable; she responded by making with me and then taking me over to the hedges where she pulled me into her. She ended it after the next date, where we went hiking by the river. I'm overwhelmed by my feelings for her and I ask her if she wanted to be exclusive. "I gotta think about it." She ended it the night of my ACL surgery, two nights later. "I'm sorry! I've been thinking about I don't see this getting serious. I DO like you, but I'm not in the right headspace and I wanted to be honest." It's been two and a half years. I cried last night and this morning. I've thought about her every single day for two and a half years. And she probably doesn't think about me at all, and if she does, she thinks I'm a nut. I tried reaching out to her after she ended and I just laid my heart out... overwhelmed her, and probably really scared her. The irony is that I've had the vast majority of my disclosures go well - I've been denied by her and two other women out of 15 disclosures. I'm in a relationship now with someone else who's positive. But I'm not sure if it will last. I still get nightmares about that girl. I sometimes think that I'm living in some alternate universe that wasn't supposed to happen. Thing is, I don't care about having herpes. I care that other people care. If you were someone I really liked or the teacher I disclosed to had it, and I was negative, I doubt I have the same reaction. I probably would not have cared. Which is kind of a blessing, isn't it? I would have made the jump for her. If she couldn't for me, could she truly ever love me in the way that I want. Could she have ever reciprocated my potential love for her. The answer is no. Same with your guy. The silence is deafening, isn't it? If he cared, he would have reached out, wouldn't he have?

Did you disclose to your ex? Was she interested in you beforehand? Have you actually disclosed before?

If the shoe was on the other foot (he positive and you negative) do you accept or reject him?

It's already been too long. The irony is that he has herpes and is just a risk to people that don't have it themselves. He could give someone genital herpes. His HSV1 makes it much more likelier that he never develops symptoms if he gets HSV2. He loves you? He wouldn't treat you like a biohazard. He either thinks you're worth it, or not. At his age, more than 1/4 of women have HSV2 and he's almost certainly encountered someone with this unknowingly. Someone that claims to love you wouldn't treat you in this manner and would accept you very early on. This is emotional abuse, whether or not he realizes it. He's reducing you to a virus, a strain of which HE ALREADY HAS. I would issue an ultimatum. If the shoe was on the other foot and he had HSV2 and you didn't, are you acting this way or do you accept him? Secondly, this just confirms the stigma. All genital herpes is is cold sores on another part of the body. He already has herpes on the mouth, WHY does it matter where else it is? Stigma. Stigma. Stigma.

Not just someone, close to half, if not more. You’ve been exposing yourself countless times.

In addition to here, I would also recommend posting on r/hsvpositive or r/herpesquestions on reddit. I'm an HSVpositive male and would be happy to answer any questions.