Confused about where I stand

[nic4897]

So, like I said in a post a few days ago... I've been dating someone I disclosed to for a month. We know a lot of the same people and we have been keeping the interaction away from prying eyes until we figure us out. We haven't committed but we both aren't seeing others and have plans for dates about a month out. He is very supportive of me having H and has never really made me feel rejected ... until last night. So, we had sex without a condom. I have condoms and I'm on daily suppressants and he and I have been tested (and honestly when I do break out it's on my arm and not in the genital area) but somehow he initiated it and I let it happen. I have explained all the stats to him and he is fully aware of what it means to him. After sex, he admitted we should use condoms from now and that it scares him to death that he might catch it. He said he would never blame me because he knows where the condoms are but that it scares him in fact and I quote "to death". I could tell too because it even seemed that after he seemed apprehensive to even want to sleep naked next to me. We did for most of the night but I dunno... I made him promise that we'd talk about it but honestly what future does this have? I seriously was disturbed all night because I just felt like I should end it because I felt bad about myself and felt bad that I was just too heavy for him. I mean he says he likes hanging out with me and that you have to peel back the layers of someone but honestly what does that matter if intimacy is just such a heavy issue. Previous to this, I have really only been with people that have it .. never passed it along to anyone so really this seems really new to me. I'm so confused between the balance of keeping someone safe from my condition and honoring my own needs for feeling safe emotionally when intimate. Confused!

[mr_hopp]

Do you see how his own paranoia and being scared (yes, even "to death") is bringing up your own self-judgments about having herpes? It's normal for that to happen, and his fear may die down after realizing how little of a chance it is of getting herpes when both partners are conscious of it. He has a right to protect himself as much or as little as he'd prefer and so do you. But don't let his desire to use condoms make you feel any kind of dirtiness or whatever comes up. Notice the tendency in you and accept yourself. Both of you could actually end up ramping up the paranoia and making it much bigger than it needs to be. If he's paranoid/fearful, then let him be, but notice if you're getting sucked into that with him or not. There's a much better chance of him getting that the risks are small if you're in a space of acceptance and caring about him anyway, even in his fear. Does that make sense?

[nic4897]

I totally didn't realize I was getting sucked into paranoia again. Man... this is such a process. Yes, it does and thank you.. yet again!

[dancingintherain]

Hi nic

 

If it was me in your situation I wouldn't move forward sexually with this man again until he is sure about his feelings. It sounds like he needs more time to work through them without the complications of being intimate. You have feelings too and don't need to put yourself through this anxiety. You are a wonderful person who just needs to manage a skin condition. You don't need to feel bad and you shouldn't. You've done everything you can to make your situation clear to him. It sounds like he cares for you as much as you do for him. Stand back and give him time if you feel you can. There's some great resources on HO for non h partners to read and watch. Let him get his head around it. If he can't then you haven't committed yourself to something that will cause you pain and grief. It may be that you guys are going to be friends. In which case you are free to find someone who will make you happy. But I know it's hard when your heart is involved. I really hope things work out for you.

 

[nic4897]

Thank you @dancingintherain! You're really sweet and encouraging. I am going to give this time. I think it has a lot of potential, else I wouldn't have told him. He really is a wonderful person and I need to be just as patient with the circumstances as he wold need to be. If it doesn't work out romantically, I know we would be just as good as friends .. which is really all that counts. Thank you, again for listening and commenting :) Big hugs xxoo and good luck to you as well!!!

[dancingintherain]

Thank you @nic4897 for your kind thoughts too :) I'm happy to listen anytime! Big hugs right back xoo