Terrified of telling

[Terrifiedtotell]

First post here, just joined today. I have had this thing now for the better part of 4 years. Other than the person I have gotten it from ( he never knew he had it), I have never spoken to anyone about it, let alone a potential new love interest. I just thought, well, I will not have sex ever again, or fall in love and have a relationships. My whole dating life has always been a shit show from the very beginning. I am 44, still have frequent OB, especially around my period, when stressed, or any other change in life. My only saving grace are some gummies I take every day, as they limit my OB to a few during the year. I am a generally very anxious person, have insomnia, and some more bullshit I have no control over, or know how to fix. Therapy is not an option…as it is too expensive and I simply don’t have the funds for that. Anyway, enough rambling, here’s the issue: I have met someone. Someone I have developed feelings for. The last time I had these kind of feelings was in 2012, so it comes as a surprise to me, because I didn’t even know I could still feel like this. But…I have this H thing. I am mortified. I am ashamed. Men have ever only wanted me for my body, and for the way I look. Now that I am also physically broken, broken at the only thing men have ever wanted me for, I don’t have much hope of any man accepting me and this thing. I don’t handle rejection well at all, because I also have ADHD and well, rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a thing. I also have a very fucked up attachment style, which is the reason my dating life has always been a disaster. I don’t know know to handle this. I am mortified. Mortified of the Continued rejection that has been a constant in my life even without this added bullshit. I am scared, and I am angry. 

[mr_hopp]

Hey there @Terrifiedtotell

First of all, welcome to our community. I'm really glad you found us and decided to share your thoughts and feelings here. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such personal experiences, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this journey.

I can sense the fear, shame, and frustration in your words, and I want to assure you that these feelings are completely understandable. Dealing with a lifelong condition like herpes can be challenging, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. But let's take a moment to unpack some of the thoughts you've expressed.

It's important to remember that having herpes does not define your worth as a person or determine your ability to find love and meaningful connections. You are so much more than your diagnosis, and there are people out there who will see and appreciate all the wonderful qualities you possess beyond your physical appearance.

We've all been there: Rejection is tough for anyone, and it's understandable that it hits you particularly hard due to ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. But here's the thing, my friend: rejection can say more about the other person than it does about you. It's their loss if they can't see the amazing person you are beyond this one aspect of your life. The right person will be able to see beyond any physical condition and appreciate you for who you are. (And hey, sometimes it really isn't a good match, not necessarily a rejection of you as a human being!)

Now, let's talk about disclosure. I know it can feel terrifying to have that conversation with a potential love interest, but remember that openness and honesty are essential in any relationship. They're not only essential, but this kind of authenticity and vulnerability (along with self-confidence) is absolutely magnetizing to the person who is right for you. Know that. It's important to disclose your status at a time that feels right for you, when there's a level of trust and connection. (The barometer is this: "Can I trust this person with my vulnerability?") Some people choose to disclose early on, while others wait until they feel more comfortable. It's a personal decision, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. The right person will listen, understand, and accept you for who you are. Including your herpes diagnosis. Including your ADHD. All of it ... Wrapped up in a unique package that is You.

Have you downloaded the free e-book and handouts? Those are a great start to reframing all of this. Get them here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

And here are some resources that can help to reframe your thinking even further:

• The herpes talk = success: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-herpes-talk-success
• When do I have the herpes talk? https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-do-i-have-the-herpes-talk
• Rewriting your narrative: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/sexual-shame-rewriting-your-narrative
• Rejection is a state of mind: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/rejection-is-a-state-of-mind
• An alternative to stressing: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/an-alternative-to-stressing
• A simple reframe to switch your fear of the herpes talk: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/a-simple-reframe-to-switch-your-fear-of-disclosing
• Become stigma bulletproof: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-stigma-how-to-become-bulletproof

And while therapy may not be a feasible option for you at the moment, I want to encourage you to explore other resources that can help with your anxiety and other challenges you face. Online support groups like this one, books, or self-help resources can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. Taking care of your mental health is essential, and there are often alternative ways to seek support.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Our community is here to provide support, understanding, and a safe space for you to express yourself. We believe in you, and we're here to remind you that you are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness.

Take things one step at a time, be kind to yourself, and keep reaching out whenever you need support. We're in this together, and brighter days are ahead.

Sending you virtual hugs and positive vibes!

[AnnieO]

Welcome! This is also the first I've found this group. I'm in my mid 50s and have been dealing with the Herpes issue since my early 20s. My brief history is that I haven't had a break out in over 30 years. ( Sorry that you're dealing with them more often than not.) have two wonderful grown children..Got divorced after 22 years, started a new relationship and then "Whamm!" I had a pretty good break-out. I had to then disclose to this person which about tore me apart. I left the ball in his court and it's been a slow-fade from there. I don't believe that we are built to be/live alone. I can do this for the most part, but I'd love to share my life with someone, as would you. I understand that this disclosure is terrifying for you, as it will be with me the next round of dating I dare to try. My heart breaks just running that scenario through my head.. I tend to "future trip". Bad habit.  Mr_ hopp has wonderful advise and a great positive personality. Hang in there, don't loose hope, stay strong and healthy. Most of all, stay connected to the group. Read the other posts and grow from there. Message me if you'd like some personal connection. I sure could use some encouraging words from a fellow hopp. 

[meMovingForward]

Nice to meet you Annie. My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with this situation. You are not alone though. I'm also in my mid 50's and have been dealing with this for the last 5 years (and dealing very poorly, I might add). I'm still in the relationship that gave me this but because of this forum I have reached out for the professional help that I have so desperately needed. I'm not alone in this anymore and that is a great and empowering piece of knowledge to have. I don't know where my life is heading at the moment but I'm sure that I will survive whatever comes along for me. I recently went back to school and obtained my Associate's degree but haven't really been able to put it to use yet. I just recently started therapy and I'm feeling stronger and healthier now. I hope we can become friends on this forum and keep updating and supporting each other. I'm sending so much love to you and hope for nothing but the best for you.

[meMovingForward]

Hoping this finds you doing well today. I don't get time to get on here as often as I would like but I do check in every couple of weeks. I know what you are talking about when you say you "future trip" as I have been "future-tripping" a lot lately. Why do we do that to ourselves? It serves no purpose except to give us anxiety about things that may never happen and make us scared to move forward again. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out to you, see how you are doing and let you know that it's going to be fine and you are going to find a person who will accept all of you. I'm sure of that. Hopefully, you are doing fabulous and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.