Where do even I start?

[dontknowwhattodo]

Hey everyone. First off I'd just like to say how amazing this forum is. I've been reading non-stop now for a few hours, and the bravery and compassion the members on this forum display have brought tears to my eyes. I hope I can find the same bravery in myself.

 

Right now, I'm going through some shit. (27/m)

 

I was diagnosed with hsv-2 about three years ago - two years in to a committed relationship. I don't know if I was a carrier for a long time, or if it was something that my partner already had, and never disclosed to me. I really don't know. I was in shock/denial about it for a long time and never even really asked her about it. She ended up getting tested the same week as me and was positive as well. I guess we both just kind of accepted it without even having a real discussion about it. Our sex life didn't even change, beyond the fact that we just wouldn't have sex when there was an OB present.

 

Recently, we separated - cancelling an engagement. I think we stayed together for a long time because of the virus, and both feeling like no one else would ever love either one of us again. Ultimately, we didn't work, so we ended it.

 

Fast forward to now.

 

A new relationship has been the very last thing on my mind - mainly because I am SO SCARED to disclose to any one. But life being life, I met someone new. I'm completely head over heels for this woman, she is seriously my dream girl. Everything has been going so amazing... well, we had sex while really drunk a few nights ago. I used a condom, but I am freaking out about it. I had an OB about 2 weeks ago, but it was completely healed by this time. I should have told her. I want to tell her... and I tried - and failed to have the balls. She actually asked me when the last time I was tested was, and I kind of froze. "about 3 years ago" is what I said. Fuck. I asked her when the last time she was checked, and you know what? I was actually HOPING she would say she had it. I feel sick that I would even have that thought. She was checked very recently and was negative.

 

I realize at this point she will probably be very upset with me. I'm completely going through some self loathing right now over this. I want to tell her the truth, because I want to build a foundation with honesty with her. Is there any way I come out of this not looking like the biggest asshole on planet earth? How do I even approach this situation?

 

Thanks for taking the time to listen/read.

[WCSDancer2010]

Just get real. Its all you can do.

 

Tell her something like "I feel like a total heel for letting the alcohol get the better of me but there is something I need to tell you". Then let her know how much she means to you, and about your condition. Have the print out from here ready — http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout — and understand the statistics of M-F transmission. You can go on suppressive therapy .... use condoms (at least until you both know this is for the long term) and practice "safe sex" ...

 

You are a human ... you made a mistake. Get educated and then clean up the mess ... that is what Integrity is all about. If she is meant for you, she will stay. She may freak out... that is her right and understandable. Let her process it in her own way. Send her here if she needs questions asked. Whatever she needs, give it to her. If it's space, so be it. You are in the middle of learning a life lesson.... learn from it and accept what it gives you.

 

(((HUGS)))

[mr_hopp]

Hey bro,

 

Thank you for sharing yourself here. I avoided difficult conversations early on in my own process of healing the shame that tends to surround herpes. It tends to have us want to hide, avoid the vulnerability. Not because we are inherently bad people. But because we are so afraid that having herpes might mean that we will forever be alone and rejected every time we open our hearts. And that's just not the case. It's actually the opposite. The conversation that herpes presents is an opportunity for being vulnerable, for showing your integrity. Yes, even after you didn't have the conversation the first time around. Actually, especially now.

 

Have you read the e-book I wrote yet? Here's a link to that:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Here's the thing about integrity, bro. It's not about what you did or didn't do. That is in the past. You can't change it. (I imagine that if you went through a similar situation now, you'd have a different way of handling it, but that's only because you have been through this.) What you CAN do something about is how you handle it now. Don't beat yourself up about it, just be honest. People who don't have access to their integrity don't get onto herpes support forums and ask for advice like this. ;) They continue avoiding the truth. It sounds like your integrity is louder than your denial and avoidance. That's a good thing.

 

P.S. You are brave. It takes bravery to get on these boards and share yourself like you did. It takes accepting what is and acting from that.

 

P.P.S. I have a sneaky suspicion that what is moving you to tears reading the bravery of others is actually you recognizing your OWN bravery. It's speaking to you through the tears. It might be hidden under fear of rejection, but it's there. It's all about getting in touch with it and acting on it. We all have the potential for bravery. Bravery is making the decision to act on our integrity.