I had the herpes talk and everything was fine...until it wasn't

[Sabrinalexandra]

Rejection sucks and hurts, but really puts things in perspective! I had been seeing this guy for about a month and everything was great! We hadn't had sex and unlike my contraction of the virus, I was going to give him the option of knowing all the facts. So,this past Thursday he called and advised me that he had once be diagnosed with the HPV strand that causes warts and asked me how I felt about it. I responded with acceptance, to which he asked me to not treat him with paranoia as his past girlfriend had because it made him feel really awful, to which I advised him I would never. So, I thought well if we are having the STD talk I'm going to lay my cards on the table too as it weighs heavy on my heart until I I feel comfortable enough with the person to disclose. I could tell this took him off guard, but he said that he would like to take this slow and really get to know each other and make sure he loved me before we could make love, which honestly sounds/sounded nice. This made my heart skip a beat, it felt good to have him know everything and think I was worth the continued investment. Well last night before even done with work he called and said that he had been thinking about it all day and with his anxiety disorder he could never have sex with me as he would always be paranoid and scarred I would give him herpes. He also said he didn't know how I could ever get pregnant and give birth to a baby and while I was great he knew that he would never be able to get over it and it was easier to end it now than 3months down the road. Ouch!!

 

I now realize, that even though I don't find having herpes to be world ending in my life, I didn't come across that way when I told him. I came across as treating the virus like this horrible secret that I was so embarrassed about and how I hated it so much. How could I expect someone to be ok with it when I clearly wasn't? I was self deprecating :( Not that I think it would have changed his reaction, but I now know I need a more positive approach.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sabrinalexandra- First, welcome to the forum. Glad to meet you!

 

Interesting that he asked you to not act paranoid about his HSV but he couldn't do that for you. It also sounds like he has no clue about the reality of HSV.

 

Have you read the handouts and e-book that Adrial has on here? It would be good for you to read them and get yourself acquainted with the facts so that when you have "the talk" again you will be able to come from a place with confidence and facts. You might also want to print out the disclosure handout (maybe even the ebook) and give it to him so he can get properly informed about the risks he may be taking in any future relationship (One of my goals right now it to get anyone we can informed with real, solid info every chance we get...IMO it's the only way to break the stigma. I mean, he has no idea about the truth of Herpes if he thinks you can't have a baby if you have it. :p

 

Otherwise you sound like you have a realistic attitude towards the whole situation. Good for you! There are a lot of great discussions on here about people's positive conversations with family and potential partners... as well as plenty of examples of how Herpes acts as a filter for us by showing us a potential partner's true colors.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Sabrinalexandra]

Yeah, after the conversation I needed something, someone who gets it. I needed to know this is not actually my problem and it was he neurotic. I found this forum and have been rejuvenated. It is hard when you think no one gets it. I needed to read this forum. I now know even more than I did, which after finding out 5 years ago I obsessed over researching herpes. I feel like even when you get facts they have a negative connotation out there. I find the fact sheets provided here to be very enlightening, legitimate, and reassuring that this isn't as big as I once thought it was. I feel like there is a lot of bad information out there, which is too easy to come across. Ultimately, his decision was about him and for me, finding out that someone quantifies your value to them through your vagina sucks. I am really happy I hadn't slept with him and actually being open and vulnerable with him proved to be a miscalculation, but not a regret.

[mr_hopp]

Welcome Sabrina!

 

You said: "How could I expect someone to be ok with it when I clearly wasn't?"

 

Ding, ding! You hit the nail on the head! :) Yes, this is the crux of 90% of the difficulties that our fellow community members have around the whole herpes talk and feeling acceptable with herpes. If we haven't accepted ourselves, then we are looking for someone else to accept us, to give us validation so we can feel "whole." You want to know a secret? We're already whole. We just need to love ourselves and accept ourselves in order to realize that we've been whole this entire time. It's only been the stories that we've been telling ourselves and that we may have heard from others (maybe our parents, siblings, friends, ex-lovers, etc.) that have us believing that we aren't enough. So yes, you're on a good path to self-love first, then being able to let love in from someone else who gets to fall in love with all of that beauty that you've already fallen in love with yourself. ;) Not in an ego, "I'm the shit" kind of falling in love. No, it's more like an owning that you are a human being on this earth for a reason and you deserve love. Just like we all do. And when you can live from that, that is a huge shift.

 

Here are the handouts, e-book and a piece of audio I did on rejection. Here's to your continued path of healing, Sabrina. :)

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

"Rejection" talk:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

[Sabrinalexandra]

Wish I would have found this sooner, because at least I could have gone into that conversation with more facts. I feel better prepared for the next time and there will be a next time. Rejection sucks, but it won't stop me!

[Sabrinalexandra]

PS WCS: Thank you for your kind words! I am loving this support forum, I believe I will have a better outlook. I feel like I am already more accepting of myself and somehow this guy's reaction really opened up my eyes to how I have internalized this virus in such a negative way. Well no more!

 

Adrial: Thank you for starting this forum, thank you for creating these well informed information sheets and book, thank you for being so positive, and thank you for creating such a helpful environment for people to learn how to love themselves again!!