Worst Herpes Story Ever--Part 5

[abc123]

Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1

Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1

Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1

Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1

Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1

Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1

 

I knew immediately what I was looking at. Two very small blisters staring back at me. I fell to the floor and my whole life flashed before my eyes. I knew my relationship with Mark would end over this. I immediately thought about Mark. I swear to God on my parents lives I did not know I had herpes. I didn't know. Never had a symptom, a pain anywhere or any other indication something was wrong. The only thing I knew at that moment was that my life was over. I called David in hysterics. He was calm. He felt awful. He felt terrible. How could this have happened? Why was this happening to me? Why? After all I had been through. After all that time. What was I going to do? I felt like the most evil and horrible person in the world. I knew I had been in contact with a person infected with herpes. I fucking knew about it. How stupid could one person be?!! I never told David that Mark and I started dating again, he would have been crushed. David had no idea what I had done. I was distraught and hysterical. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die. I frantically called my doctor, went in, did the tests and had to wait. I told Mark I couldn't see him that weekend. I didn't want to say anything until I had a confirmed medical diagnosis. I said I needed to see my doctor because something didn't feel right. He was genuinely concerned with my health. He told me not to worry about it. I knew that was probably the last time I would speak to him and I knew I would never see him again. I got the call on October 3, 2013. It was about 2:00 and I was still at work. I literally fell through the earth and my heart stopped. I broke down as soon as I got in my car. I drove home in a daze. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I called David to tell him it was positive. I was furious at him. I was horrified at myself. This was not happening. But it was happening and there was nothing I could do. I got a text from Mark the next day asking about my results. He honestly thought I was going to say that I had cancerous cells, a cyst or something was going on with my period cycle. This was it. I wrote back unfortunately the results were not good. I'm sure he panicked. Can you give me more details? He asked. This was it. I cannot adequately express in words what it was like to text the only man I have ever loved in this lifetime--- that I tested positive for herpes. I cannot even possibly imagine the look on his face and how his heart fell out of his chest when he read that text. I couldn't even imagine how much I hurt him at that moment. Even after all we had gone through. The break ups. Nothing could possibly compare to this. He didn't deserve this. How could I have done this to him? I betrayed his trust. The only person he trusted had ruined our relationship by sheer stupidity. He later asked if it was David. I said yes, it was. He later asked if I knew that he had herpes. I thought about lying to Mark and telling him, no, I didn't know about it. I thought that would ease his mind and he wouldn't leave me over this. But I couldn't lie. I couldn't let David take the fall for this. I had prior knowledge of the herpes, but I swear I didn't know that I had it. I swear to God. I told him, yes, I did know about it. And then it was officially over. I had ruined my future. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. Mark was furious. Of course, he was furious. How could he not be? How could I do this to him? What kind of horrible person does something like this? He panicked as well. Did he have it? Had I ruined his life as well. I wanted to die. I completely fell apart. I only heard for him a few days later....which felt like an eternity. His test was negative. I was relieved, but I am not totally at ease with his results. We had been together for many months. Did he have it and it hadn't shown up in his blood yet? How could I be sure? Not only did I ruin my own life and future with my stupid choices, I live in fear everyday that I will hear from him that he has been retested and he is positive. I will die if that happens. I am assuming his doctor did advise him to get retested again. All I do is pray. I pray that he has not been affected by this. I pray all day, everyday the same prayer. I will never forgive myself for what I have done. There is no way I could ever imagine not thinking about this every single day. What if I hear from him again and he decides to sue me for everything I have? He would win. I knew I was exposed to the virus, and I didn't tell him. I put his life in jeopardy and I had no right to do that. No one has a right to do that. He will never forgive me. There is no way he could ever get past this. I went from Snow White to Street Whore in his eyes. I would never expect him to ever forgive me for this. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy for what I have done. I did it to myself. I had a choice and I made the worst choice of my entire life and it cost me everything. My life now is very different. I broke down and had to tell my mom. She has been very supportive, but I know somewhere in her mind she was disappointed in me. How could I do this to myself? What was I thinking? She takes care of me when she comes to visit, but there is not much she can do. I haven't gone out. I do not want to see anyone. I don't want to talk about it. I have 2 friends that were diagnosed several years ago and they lead normal lives. But their story is different then mine. They didn't go out and sleep with someone they already knew had H. They got is from someone who didn't know they had it....just like everyone else. So, they can't really be blamed for their misfortune. If I told them, they would be disappointed in me for making such bad choices. I don't want to be around anyone because I'm afraid I will breakdown in tears and not be able to control myself. I do not want to put anyone through this. I don't know what to do. David suggested hypnotherapy, so I am doing that. I am on depression meds. I cry all the time and I'm right back where I started, but its my fault. I hate David for this. Mark hates me for this. Most of all I hate myself.

 

Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1

Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1

Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1

Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1

Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1

Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Do you know why i see you as such a beautiful person? Because even as an h negative person you didn't judge tgis man david who had herpes. Because it never once crossed ur mind that he was dirty or unwanted physically. So why are you being so hard on yourself? You're still that same honest beautiful person. I am going to say some things that i tell one of my real life friends who has a man that keeps cheating keeps coming back keeps usimg her for money.... What about this man mark is there to love? Has he ever looked at u and made u feel like something really special? Does he make u feel pretty? Does he make you feel safe? I see people going through life more in love with the idea of the one or love that they don't really love the man. more the image they've created of the man. This man cheated on u. made u feel second third hell maybe fourth runner up female in jis life. I'm not a pyschic but it doesn't take one to tell you he would have left again whether u had herpes or not necause this is a man with commitment issues. Don't let his commitment issues become your self esteem issues. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive this man david cuz although u can't force love or a connection this man has treated u a whole lot finer than this mark person. But men aside you get out of ghat bed and u brush those pearly whites and u go to those christmas bashes and u have a good time. :) Mark must have had some killer tounnge ir was good in bed but don't let that blind u to living your life. I promise there is some guy out there that can do it just as good as he did! But u ain't gonna meet anyone if u stay in that nbed lol. And i hope u don't think was out if line in anything i said. i know its hard when ur really into someone .

[WCSDancer2010]

ABC123 -

 

First of all, I commend you for your honesty and your bravery for putting all this out here.... I know you have been suffering around your story... but believe me, it really, truly IS all a story. And the more you believe it, the more it will manifest itself into becoming true...because if you don't love and respect yourself, who will. And honey, I can tell from everything you wrote that you are damn sure deserving of love... I can see you have an amazing capacity for love and you shouldn't ever deny that for yourself.

 

So I'm going to be straight here and blow holes in all your arguments about what a horrible, terrible person you are (because *I* know it's not true... ;) )

 

This ''break up, make up" cycle went on for a long time. I think he broke up with me a total of 5 times

 

And THAT was your major warning about who Mark is.

 

In a lot of ways I think Mark would be able to live his life single with his child and that would be good enough for him. He didn't ever worry about anything. "Out of sight, out of mind" was his mantra.

 

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given... "Past performance is the best indicator of future results". Mark likely does not have the capacity to stay the distance and it is only a matter of time before he would find *something* that would give him the reason to walk away.... AGAIN.

 

He (David) only took his meds during an outbreak, which were only once or twice a year. No big deal. I was totally uneducated about it. I was ignorant.

 

You didn't know he should have been on supressive therapy. HE should have known, but who knows what his Dr told him. "I was totally uneducated about it. I was ignorant.". And THAT is the truth. YOU DIDN'T KNOW. There is no crime in that. This is the problem that people like Adrial and I are trying to change because this is why most people get Herpes...because they are ignorant about it.

 

I knew I had been in contact with a person infected with herpes. I fucking knew about it.

 

And what is wrong with that? You didn't think Mark was coming back into your life. You were not OBLIGATED to "save" yourself for him. You didn't have any symptoms and you - perhaps naïvely - thought you had not caught it from David. Especially as it had been so long between the last time you saw him and your first OB.

 

" What if I hear from him again and he decides to sue me for everything I have? He would win. I knew I was exposed to the virus, and I didn't tell him."

 

As I understand it, it's only if you know YOU HAVE the virus that they can sue - not that you know you were EXPOSED. There is a big difference. You went to the Dr as soon as you had an OB, refused to see him while you awaited the results. You did all you could to protect him once you KNEW.

 

I put his life in jeopardy

 

Uh - no... This isn't Cancer, not HIV. It's herpes. His life is NOT at risk.

 

I went from Snow White to Street Whore in his eyes.

 

Honey, if that is truly how he feels, you don't need him. You had one relationship when you legitimately broken up. You weren't even "separated". You were a free woman free to search for love like anyone else. And given his track record, it would be kinda like the pot calling the kettle black. It sounds like he hasn't exactly lived the life of a monk .. he's just dam LUCKY he hasn't already got it himself. One relationship does NOT make you a street whore.

 

Or let me put it this way - if YOU are a street whore, we ALL are street whores on here. We ALL got it from bad luck, poor choices and/or trusting too much. We all got it because we were searching - each in our imperfect ways much of the time - for affection. Do you know how many people on here got this from someone they were just starting to see? You got it from someone you were seeing on a regular basis...sure you eventually realized he wasn't the guy for you, but you TRIED. That certainly doesn't make you a street whore.

 

And BTW - going back a ways: We hung out and hooked up over the Christmas holidays, but there was no talk of getting back together. I had a feeling he was still seeing someone. He eventually said he was, but he wasn't sure how he felt about her, wasn't sure if it was going to work out.

 

Sorry - but if anyone deserves to be called out for poor behavior, Mark has you beat, hands down.....

 

I would never expect him to ever forgive me for this. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy for what I have done.

 

You certainly won't get it if you think like that. But you HAVE to get it that you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. You thought he was out of your life. You had a relationship with someone who had Herpes who was giving you affection and attention which you really needed at the time. It didn't work out. You caught Herpes from him but gosh and golly you just got unlucky. YOU didn't let Herpes stop you from having relationship with David...why shouldn't anyone do the same for you?

 

I have 2 friends that were diagnosed several years ago and they lead normal lives. But their story is different then mine.

 

It doesn't matter about your "story". Unless you INSIST on living in it. YOU ARE NO LESS WORTHY OF LOVE THAN THEY ARE. Period. If anything, I commend you and honor you for not letting Herpes stop you from being with David. It shows you did not identify him or denigrate him for having Herpes. Herpes didn't make him a man-whore in your eyes - why should it make YOU a whore in anyone's eyes either? There isn't any "blame" here for you or your friends getting it.

 

So here's the bottom line as I see it:

 

I really think you need to get therapy simply because I think that you may well have an unhealthy co-dependent thing going on around Mark - there is something that keeps you going back to someone who has REPEATEDLY treated you badly - who YOU KNOW is unable to really truly connect with someone. Who YOU KNOW cheated with you on his GF (and honey - if he would cheat on her, he'll cheat on you...remember the "past behavior" quote). Who repeatedly "gets bored" with a relationship and walks away, leaving a path of pain and destruction in his wake and seemingly barely batting an eye. And you keep getting sucked back into his web.

 

And to see you beating yourself up over this just makes me really sad. Your worst "error" was that you didn't get tested after David but I'm guessing that you believed (understandably) that you had not caught it from him and you bought into the belief that he had it under control (again, NOT YOUR FAULT! Its the result of really poor STD education in this country).

 

In addition, I really REALLY think you need to do Adrials Home Study course. It will give you a lot of great exercises to work on to help you to see all the things I am pointing out, to learn better coping skills and how to live a life you just can't see right now with herpes. Really. Please. Just do it!

 

I wish I could come and give you a great big (((HUG))) (after shaking some sense into you!) Know you WILL move beyond this. Know you ARE lovable and DESERVING of love. And know that we are here for you as you work though all this.

 

And BTW - get out there and go to those parties. Sitting at home in your pity party will only serve to keep this "negative tape" running in your head. DON'T drink yourself silly (as you have in the past) - just go and BE with your friends. I'm sure they are wondering what the heck is going on. Let them support you while you work through this. That's what friends are for, after all!

 

Peace

[WCSDancer2010]

Peachy said:

 

Do you know why i see you as such a beautiful person? Because even as an h negative person you didn't judge this man david who had herpes. Because it never once crossed ur mind that he was dirty or unwanted physically.

 

YES - SEE! She typed the same thing as I did at the same time...

 

Great minds think alike Peach my friend :)

 

And I agree 100% with everything else you wrote too ;)

[abc123]

Peachy and Dancer... Thank you for your support. Here is one important good thing that has happened. I haven't drank in over a month. My kind of drinking was drinking ALOT. Round after round, or worse, drinking an entire bottle alone by myself. I had 1 glass of wine during Thanksgiving. Fr some reason, I have no desire to drink. Staying home every night has helped with that. This is why I don't want to go out. I am afraid I will drink too much and then become that worthless puddle I want to avoid. I walk around in a daze. People at the office have even noticed. What's wrong? You look sad, are you alright? I just say I haven't been feeling well and I'm very lethargic. I drag my feet. I don't smile. I feel like shit. I appreciate your support. If I didn't have this site, I would not know what to do with myself. I will go back and re- read your kind words. Tank you so much. abc123

[Sabrinalexandra]

abc123: My heartbreaks that you feel this way about yourself.

 

WCS couldn't have said it better "Or let me put it this way - if YOU are a street whore, we ALL are street whores on here. We ALL got it from bad luck, poor choices and/or trusting too much. We all got it because we were searching - each in our imperfect ways much of the time - for affection. Do you know how many people on here got this from someone they were just starting to see? You got it from someone you were seeing on a regular basis...sure you eventually realized he wasn't the guy for you, but you TRIED. That certainly doesn't make you a street whore."

 

abc123: You will get through this, you said that you are a strong person, so don't let this virus define you! Nobody's life is ruined regardless of how you feel right now. You will have good days and bad ones, but there will be more good than bad. Stay strong, we will be here on those bad days!

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Aww thanks dancer. I'm not a great mind like some of yall on here. I often find myself saying how can i put this in a intelligent and educated way lol I'm just silly goofy. I may not be all that smart but abc i can see you are a beautiful and honest person. when u had the chance for revenge on this man that constantly left u, u choose honesty. when u had the xhance to be judgmental and and paranoiad with someone with hsv you chose compassion.

[cc123]

Thanks for sharing @abc. I can honestly say I felt that exact same depression and sadness that you're going through when I found out. I let myself wallow for 2 weeks until my mother (god love her) threatened to committ me haha..

 

I still feel that way sometimes but it DOES get better. And please stop blaming yourself. You said it yourself, you had no idea that you had H when you started back up with mark. And I know you can't control who you love, but I truly believe you deserve better. He doesn't really have a right to judge you after everything he put you through in the past. And if he truly had changed he'd accept you and love you, skin condition or no skin condition. I know hearing that doesn't make it any easier. Here for you Xo.

 

@peachy you stop that! you ARE smart! and hilarious. never change