first guy since I found out

[playingthegameoflife]

I learned about a month ago now that I had H. I still haven't had ann outbreak even though I've unknowingly had it for almost two years . I have only been obligated to tell one person for their own health.he took it well but now we don't talk or see either. I've recently met a new guy. We went out on a date and had a lot of fun the next weekend he came over so we could watch movies and nerd out,, we ended up making out in bed and after a while we went all the way... I know I should have stopped it but I just couldn't resist how good it felt to have someone want me, to want to cuddle and be intimate. It's been about for days since and I still haven't plucked up the courage to tell him. I know I need to. He's leaving in four months to join the air force. How should I tell him...?

[HerryTheHerp]

I'm not going to sugar coat it or give you warm fuzzies. What you did calls for tough love and a dose of reality. Totally uncool. Totally irresponsible. It's one thing to sleep with someone and be among the 80% who don't know; but to know and not say anything? Myself and many others have this wonderful little present right now because of someone who knew and didn't say anything when they gave it to us. Believe me, we're not sending Thank You or Christmas cards. Those of us who KNOW we have the herps have a moral, ethical, and legal RESPONSIBILITY to inform our partners. This is especially true if it's down below, because what you did is hitting below the belt in so many ways.

 

It felt good and you couldn't resist? Oh sure, sex feels great and it's amazing to feel wanted. It makes us feel human; a feeling most of us struggle to recapture after our diagnosis. It's awesome until you deliberately put someone else's health at risk just because you're afraid of getting rejected. We're all afraid of rejection, and it happens all too often that we lose someone we care about because of this friggin virus. It's a major bummer that makes us feel like lepers at times, but it doesn't give any of us the right to be selfish. Men or women. We all want to get screwed, but we don't have the right to screw with other people's lives because we are hurting.

 

Playing the game of life? It's a game with all too real consequences that you are well aware of. Worst of all you cheated as you played. You deliberately rolled loaded dice with someone else's health and emotions. Remember how you felt when you got the news? Remember how it feels to have that first OB? Remember how it feels to want to go into a corner and just cry all day long? Those moments are burned into the minds of all of us who have gotten the diagnosis and it never goes away. If we're lucky it gets better with time. Some of us can still see the smoldering ashes of our hopes and dreams burning in the not that far off distance and it takes everything we have to hold the tears back. You don't put people you care about in the position that you, and I, and far too many others are in; and you are going to have to own up to this in what is going to be the hardest conversation of your life.

 

Assuming you used protection. Assuming you weren't shedding or having a silent OB. Assuming you weren't on supressive therapy. Assuming so many unknown variables, he has a 4% to 10% chance of acquiring it from you right now. Those were the odds I had, and my dice came up snake eyes.

 

You need to call your bed buddy and sit down with him in a public location like a coffee house. You need to fill your head with every piece of knowledge you can garner about this virus, its transmission routes, his risks, etc. You need to give yourself a graduate school level of knowledge about both the disease and yourself so you can respond to any questions he might ask. Then you need to prepare your speech and, coming from a man who is usually compassionate, I wouldn't recommend starting off with "I'm sorry." "I'm selfish and I should have told you. I deliberately put your health at risk and there is never an excuse or good reason for that" is the only way to start that conversation, and then end it with "I'm sorry." The truth and nothing but the truth, and that's all you need to go over in the conversation.

 

Feeling guilty? Good. Remember that feeling the next time you're feeling horny. Then pluck up the courage before you pull off the pants.

 

 

[peterk]

I agree with Herry. You will lose em if you don't tell em and he gets it for sure.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

HenrytheHerp,

THANK U; THANK U, and Thank you. finally someone else who acknowledges the fact that disclosing before intimacy isnt just a moral and responible obligation but LEGAL!!!! There has been resistance with/to me but im taking my ex to court. he knew for years he has both and never revealed he had for over 2yrs.

this is not fun to deal with. Shame on him and anyone else who doesnt disclose before hand. No one wants to be rejected and everyone has the right to choose. So here it is Xmas night, alone, single, and an emotional disaster because i cant get past the "Why me? Who gave him right to take my right of choice away? Who gave him the right to put my life, my health in danger? Who gave him the right to destroy/alter my life forever?"

how will I ever be able to date? Because of my family, coming out is not an option. Whats worse, he knew i ever other medical issues that will for sure complicate and make dealing with H for my body worse.

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree with the above - but I want to take this from another angle. If it was the other way around, wouldn't you want him to tell you? Wouldn't you want to know that you need to be tested in a few months to be sure you are clear? What would you be saying to him right now if he asked you the same question?

 

I'm guessing that it was easier in a way to ignore the risk you put him under because you have never had an outbreak. But that doesn't mean he won't...and many here have numerous, painful OB's while their body adjusts to the virus. You wouldn't want to be responsible for that.

 

We are all human - with human desires and human failings. You made a grave error of judgement. I think you know what you need to do to get your integrity back..

 

Peace