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I can't stop crying


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Earlier today I was diagnosed with herpes, my doctor was quite insensitive about it and the look on her face made it that much harder to walk out her office. I have not been able to control the tears they seem to just be streaming down my face. It is not the type of thing I can share with family either, they are just too old fashioned, being from two completely different cultures. I didn't go to my doctors appointment alone though. Just a few days ago, when I started having symptoms I met someone that I like a lot, but we were never physical, since I had just been misled by my last partner who I now know passed the disease to me. Kameron, the guy I have recently developed feelings for, took care of me during the symptoms, went with me to the appointment, and is the only person who has knowledge of this. It kills me that he is so patient and understanding of this, when I can't help but feel such shame and disgust towards myself to the point where I don't feel worthy to be around him. I was already beginning to feel suicidal prior to this and now this just shoves me deeper into depression.

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Hi deedee - If you are feeling suicidal, you need to call someone and talk it out. The official number is 1-800-273-8255, but really you could just reach out to anyone you know that loves you. You don't even have to reveal details, just tell them you're going through something and need to hear a supportive voice.

That said, I really have to recommend if you have someone that understanding and great around - like it sounds Kameron is - that you just lean on them during these first few rough days. Forget feeling guilty, just take care of YOU right now. Of course you aren't going to feel "worthy", but obviously he thinks you are or he wouldn't be there.

We're here for you too.

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(DeeDee, I've private messaged you so we can talk if you need to.)

 

DeeDee! THANK YOU for reaching out! (And thank you, Leslie, for replying so quickly!) Your tears are perfectly acceptable, DeeDee. Whatever you're feeling is okay. But DON'T kill yourself. You're here for a reason. You reached out for a reason. Know that we are ALL here for you. I remember when I was first diagnosed (about 8 years ago) I thought that it was over for me, too. But I tell you what, DeeDee, it always seems so much darker in the moment. Now I look back and realize that I was suicidal because I ASSUMED so many things that happened to be so WRONG ("no one will ever love me," "I'm dirty," "I'm all alone," "no one understands this horrible feeling," etc. — all bullshit!) I promise you IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER with time. Time really does heal. And it gives you a new perspective on what's important. Trust me. I know you have no idea who I am, but you can trust me on that.

 

And Leslie is so right: What's most important right now is that you talk with someone — anyone! Call someone who loves you. Call someone who will simply listen to you. Talking it out, crying it out, lets all that energy out so you don't bottle it in. Be kind and gentle to yourself. It is a process. Don't give up now.

 

Call me if you need to. Please.

 

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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I really appreciate the advice and kind words. I know this is something I'm going to always struggle with and in time will have to make my peace with it. I just can't help but feel really disconnected to everything right now. Maybe I won't begin to feel any better until my first outbreak heals and I can go on to do things "normally" again.

But I've been doing some research online and read a few times that if you experience an outbreak you will continue to experience more in the first year, is that still the case if i continue to take medication to suppress them? I just feel like I have many questions and fear about it that the doctor neglected to mention at the clinic and I'm too embarrassed to even face my actual physician since she is the same doctor that my mother sees as well.

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Hey DeeDee. I totally feel you. I remember I felt the same way when I was first diagnosed. I thought I would be sad, disconnected, pissed off, alone forever. And now I realize that was my own necessary process to shake the fact that I'm not enough. In my opinion, the only way this will continue to be a struggle is if you hold onto the belief that it will be a struggle. You can change your belief and change your experience of it. I know it feels like it'll be a struggle forever right now because you're in the midst of it. But be open to it not being a struggle, too.

 

And about your specific questions medical-wise I don't have the medical background to tell you exactly what to do in your specific case, but you can find doctors/clinicians out there who care. Also, there are other great trusted resources out there for you to get the information you need. Speaking of, here's a page that could be helpful to you, especially the "common herpes questions" section (check out the herpes hotlines): About: Herpes Facts.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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  • 1 month later...

DeeDee,

It is illegal for your doctor to tell your mother anything about you without your permission. I have seen the same doctor since I was 17, ALSO the same doctor my mother sees! And she has been with me through everything--the herpes included, she diagnosed me. DON'T be ashamed to get medical help/advice from your doctor, and if you feel uncomfortable then find a new doctor whom you feel comfortable with! Legally they CAN NOT reveal anything to ANYONE but you, not even voicemail if your doctor's office is anything like mine.
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Hey my love ... I'm 35 now had it since I was 22. Yeah, I was sad for a while. Much love kid .. don't ever put yourself down because people are more than just the things that happen to us. We make things happen. So if you need or want to be happy, go for it .... I now break out about once every two yrs .... so I take this time for meditation and self healing to humble my every material BS we think we need lol like a new car lmao well take care ... its not that serious darlin

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i really appreciate the kind words and advice. If it wasn't for this forum I know i wouldn't have been able to feel okay about myself and this whole situation since i found out. I really take everything to heart, and I wish the best for all of you and thank you <3

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