disclosing herpes

[felareed]

Although I had a positive blood test three years ago for hsv2 I really haven't had to deal with it as I have successfully just ignored it as I was in a committed relationship and he didn't care about this diagnosis. I am no longer in the relationship and continued to ignore the hsv2 successfully because I have not been interested in a relationship with anyone. Well I recently met someone that I really like and now all the anxiety and shame of this hsv2 diagnosis is rearing its ugly head and of course I am now experiencing an outbreak which I am sure is due to the stress of being mindful of this diagnosis and everything it seems to mean. One thing that is so confusing to me is that people with hsv1 seem to have no expectation to reveal their herpes status why is that. From what I have read hsv1 can be transmitted to someone else's sexual organs through oral sex and obviously can be transmitted to someone's mouth.

[WCSDancer2010]

@felareed

 

Regarding HSV1 - most people don't think of "cold sores" as being a STD. Many have no idea it's Herpes, many who know it is don't know it can head south during oral sex, and to be honest, 80% of the population is said to have it. So disclosing that you have Oral HSV1 is a really, really gray area. I mean, given the complete ignorance of most of the population, can you imagine disclosing that before your first kiss? IMO we'd all end up becoming monks :(

 

Now HSV1 genital is a whole nuther thing and it should be disclosed just as you do with HSV2 genital. And you *should* disclose your HSV1 oral status before oral sex - but again, many don't understand that they can pass it on even when they dont have an outbreak. So much of the issue is ignorance and mis-information.

 

So - regarding disclosing in general. This is where your H-buddy actually can, in a twisted sort of way, become your friend. Because we generally won't disclose until we feel the person is worthy of us being vulnerable with them. Because is makes us slow things down until that time. And because their reaction will tell us a LOT about them. As a woman, I quickly learn which guys are into ME and which ones want to GET into me. ;)

 

Here are some conversations about other's disclosures....

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2034/oral-hsv2-very-confusing-symptoms-anyone-else#Item_2 Successful Disclosure

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19 Casual Sex Successful Disclosure

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

 

The big thing is to be confident in yourself and your self worth. H is an inconvenient skin condition.... it's not cancer. It doesn't define you. It is an equal opportunity virus that doesn't care about your sexual preferences, age, financial status, or how famous you are (MANY stars/famous people have our H friend). Roughly 1:5 have genital herpes - so next time you are in a crowded room, look around and see if you can guess who has it. 8:10 have Oral herpes.

 

When you can come to peace with those facts, you can start to get it that Herpes has an overrated stigma attached to it..... when you get THAT, you are ready to disclose to future partners. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

I honestly feel as if both should be disclosed. I mean I didn't know before that a cold soar or a fever blister was herpes. I thought it was just a cold soar ( which it is.)

 

Like Dancer said consider H as your friend. I know that if my boyfriend I have now would have ran away I would have just known all he wanted. There are a lot of people out there who want you or just want to have sex with you. In a way you find out what they are really after.

 

If you already know about your H then you shouldn't be so worried about it. You already went past the trauma of finding out that you had it. Keep your head up, and think positive. Hopefully this guy wants you.

 

Also you can find out a lot of information about this and when you do decide that it is time to disclose and he accepts it you can tell him all of the information to keep both of you safe. (:

[WCSDancer2010]

Oh - and print the handouts and Ebook out and have them on hand if you need help with facts ;)

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[felareed]

Thanks Dance and Victoria for the input, having support really does make a world of difference. A few things come to mind with the comments that you make. Prior to my positive blood test I did not know anything about herpes and would have run away from a partner that disclosed that he had it. I definitely have never been in a relationship just for the sex but if someone would have said that they had this when I didn't it would have freaked me out. I also did not know that cold sores were herpes and could be transmitted to my mouth through kissing even if they were not apparent on their mouth....I did not know this. I would have been horrified to suddenly start getting cold sores on my mouth and would have been angry with someone if they knew that could be transmitted and didn't tell me. So given my own idea about herpes prior to getting it I cannot imagine anyone ever accepting this if they are not infected themselves. Now that I have it I of course hate feeling like a walking virus that is people have to take precautions with to remain "safe". In one post on that I read on the internet someone stated that they felt that herpes was has psychologically as devastating as HIV and therefore would never be willing to have a relationship with someone who is positive, it made me feel so dirty. I really don't have any idea how I will ever embrace this.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Certainly the emotional toll of Herpes is (IMO) far worse than the virus itself - but we bring a lot of that onto ourselves.

 

So look at your first sentence in this discussion:

 

Although I had a positive blood test three years ago for hsv2 I really haven't had to deal with it as I have successfully just ignored it as I was in a committed relationship and he didn't care about this diagnosis.

 

See - you already had one person who didn't care about your H+ diagnosis. And there will be others. And really, if you truly loves someone and they were diagnosed, yes, you might freak out at first (many do) but it's amazing what time and education can do to help someone understand that this really, truly is an annoying skin condition (I've had this almost all my life in one form or other... and it's all it is to me any more...AND it's how most Doctors view it). I have an ex BF who I disclosed to who totally freaked at first - went to his Dr and his Dr set him straight, plus time and a lot of talking. We ended up together for 3 years and it was Me who broke it off...he was totally over the whole issue within a few months....

 

I bet if you had a friend with this you would be supporting them and reassuring them that they would be ok in the end... but when it's ourselves, it's suddenly sooooo much bigger. Sometimes we just have to tell our brains to be quiet and calm down.... it's not easy but over time, it just becomes a part of life and we just live with it.

 

Of all the things that I could have had happen to me (lets just say, "accidents" of any sort), I'll take Herpes over many, if not all of the possibilities..... I know people who are permanently injured and in constant pain, people with cancers, people with major mental issues because of that life has thrown at them. My little H friend is a nuisance, a real pain in the ass sometimes, but gosh and golly I think my life would be one heck of a lot worse with some of the dumb shit I've done.... if this is all I got I'll take it ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

"but when it's ourselves, it's suddenly sooooo much bigger. Sometimes we just have to tell our brains to be quiet and calm down."

 

You couldn't have said it better. I remember having a friend who found out that she had herpes and she was so upset. I was hugging her and being there for her telling her about my mother. Telling her that she will find someone that really likes her. && then there was me. I remember telling myself how dirty I was.. But then I came to terms with it. Just like my boyfriend did.

 

@falareed

 

"Prior to my positive blood test I did not know anything about herpes and would have run away from a partner that disclosed that he had it."

 

I remember thinking the same thing. I was like " How could this happen to me ?" I remember thinking about someone who told me about there herpes in confidence. Him and I were going to have a relationship... I told him you know i really like you, but that is not a chance that I am willing to take.. I mean before we said you find out if a guy really wants to be with you or just in you. I didn't want to just have sex with this guy I just didn't know the facts and statistics.. I was young and stupid. Now I reevaluated these situations and thought about how he felt when I denied him. How upset he was. How upset I would be if I would be denied because of my little friend.. But I guess that's what happens you grow and you learn.

[WCSDancer2010]

you grow and you learn.

 

YES!

[victoriaxxx]

We are all in this learning process together. (:

It is great.