Lonely

[bookworm21]

I was diagnosed with herpes 2 when I was 19. I am now 21 and the loneliness and depression that comes along with being diagnosed has not changed. My close friends and family know and while they try, sometimes their "help" isn't really help at all. I've been dating recently and that opens the door to so many different challenges.

My mother decided to give me some advice, she told me that since I usually disclose that I was date raped (I have PTSD thanks to that) that I should just combine the two. "I was date raped when I was 16 and I have herpes". Not necessarily lying but not telling them that I was a stupid 19 year old who trusted too much and got burned. I feel so much guilt all the time, not only trying to play on someones sympathy by telling them this way, but also having herpes in general. I don't know if someone will ever be able to accept it. Every time I start talking to someone new and they tell me that they think I'm great, I can't help but think "you won't once you know". The good men that really like me for who I am don't want to take the risk, and the men who will take the risk only want sex. In turn I settle for the attention I shouldn't because I feel it's all I deserve. Even during sexual encounters I get depressed and don't really want to continue. I feel like my dating life is over before I even hit the quarter point in my life. I just need advice. Friends would be great too.

[victoriaxxx]

@bookworm21

First off I want to say Hi. (: Thank you for sharing your story with us today!

 

I am 20 years old and I have HSV-2. Honestly, you are not stupid for this happening to you. More people have it than you think they do. 1-5 people have HSV-2 and 8-10 people have HSV-1.

 

I know that it is hard overcoming the fear and the complications of finding out that you have Herpes, but let me tell you this. My boyfriend is still with me. He knows that I want to take things slow because I want to get to know my body better. He helped me a lot.

Even though I was there a lot of this process is accepting yourself aside from the stigma that Herpes has out there. My mom also has it and my mom and dad have been together for 22 years and has never caught. So don't think that no one you meet will ever be able to accept this, because there is a lot of people out there who do accept this and will accept this because they want you!

 

A lot of the things that we talk about here is how we come about talking about herpes and how we talk about disclosing. If you are comfortable with yourself and your herpes most likely the guy you want to be with is comfortable with it also. Body language also speaks a lot too. If you are upset about it and bring it up like its something bad then most of the time a man is going to freak out about it too. It's all about acceptance. How can somebody accept you if you haven't accepted it yourself?

It is all about positive feedback. I honestly don't think that you should tell the person you are with that you have been date raped and that is how you got herpes, because if the person really likes you than I don't think it matters how you got it. & No matter what it does not make you stupid. There are plenty of older people out there that got it also. Even with a condom you can still get it if there is an outbreak. You are never really completely safe, but if you can be open with yourself and a possible future guy then you can work around it and be safe. (:

 

You have already had it for 2 years, have you gotten on any suppressive therapy for it ?

I have I got on it for my boyfriend so we could take that extra step to be careful.

A lot of guys can also pretend to be good guys and in the end they are not and maybe they only wanted to have sex with you, because a lot of guys pretend to be nice to get what they want. All I have to say is that if they can not accept that then they are not worth it. They are not compatible, and you guys are not meant to be.

 

Here is the E-book

http://thehopp.us2.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=496e1102b22e0b6a6695ce671&id=83b37141ca

 

It talks a lot about disclosing in there. Also if you know the statistics and you know the facts then you know that there is someone out there that will accept you, but first you have to know YOURSELF despite what happened to you in life that you are beautiful inside and out.

 

Keep your head up, because it will get better.

 

-hugs-

[bookworm21]

Thank you for commenting!

 

I have been on suppressive therapy a few times over the years, but I tend to stop taking it. Maybe it's a self punishment thing? I've realized that I'm hardest on myself.

 

That's one of the reasons I have joined. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with myself. I can't seem to be happy with myself right now, and I haven't felt this way since I first got diagnosed. I laid in bed and cried for weeks. Then things got better. But after a bad breakup with an ex who accepted me and the disease 100%, and dating guys who can't accept it, I'm back in that dark place. I've decided I need people to look up to. Maybe reading the things other people post, and encouraging others when I am down will help.

 

Again, thank you for your kind words :)

[WCSDancer2010]

bookworm21

 

First - Welcome, and glad you found us! As you can see, this is a great place to get support and reassurance that you WILL be OK with your H Friend...

 

I just want to address your mother's idea of combining the date rape and the herpes into one thing. I know she is trying to protect you but as an H carrier (heck, I hit the jackpot and have BOTH!) AND a mom, I have to say, DON'T DO IT. Simply because starting a relationship with a lie (even a little white lie) sets you on an unstable foundation. Either you have to live your whole life remembering to tell that "story" or you slip and he finds out...and although it *shouldn't* matter to him, if it was ME, I'd wonder what other "little lies" are out there.

 

So what is wrong with telling them that I was a stupid 19 year old who trusted too much and got burned.. Or even better, you were just a NORMAL human being who didn't realize just how easy it is to get our H friend and who TRUSTED that the other person knew their status (and odds are, they didn't because they were just as ignorant about the truth because noone is talking about it!).

 

As Victoria said..... get to know the statistics and accept that you are part of a MUCH bigger thing than you realize. Once you accept that this is nothing to do with your sexuality and has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that waaay too many people out there are just plain walking time-bombs because THEY DON"T KNOW THE TRUTH about herpes and you just were one of the unfortunate that stepped on the land mine while looking for love. When a soldier comes back (if he's lucky) missing a limb from that mis-step, noone blames him for being stupid or careless...... so why beat yourself up for what is in all honesty just a really-bad-luck mistake that gave you what is, in reality, a pain-in-the-arse (and other areas) skin condition (Ask any Doctor - that is how THEY view it!). I don't know about you but I'll take a skin condition over losing a limb any day if I have to get the bad roll of the dice in the luck arena.

 

So BREATHE my dear and know that you are in the right place to process all this and to find support. We can't help you with your PTSD but we CAN support you in this part of your life. And you know, many of us here believe that we got Herpes because we needed to get a message. For some, it's self love. For others, it's making better partner choices. For others, it's slowing down their initial relationships so they get to know the other person better. Or accepting rejection. etc. Perhaps, just perhaps, your H+ status will be what you needed to learn better coping skills for your PTSD ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

Yes.. We can't help with your PTSD but we can help with you coping with your herpes. :D

 

((: I am glad we are able to help. <3

[bookworm21]

Thank you both so much! I am having a much better day today after having discussions with multiple people. I am trying to turn my thinking around to seeing this as a sign. I am going to slow everything down. I've been going through relationships way too fast these past few years. I think I have the accepting rejection part down though! Thanks online dating. :D

 

I also think I'm going to start having serious discussions with some of my friends. The way I've been living these past few years with H (I posted my story if you want the details) has not really shown anyone in my life they should take STD's seriously.

[victoriaxxx]

Yeah.. A lot of my friends haven't taken STD's seriously, and I have been teaching them that you should care about yourself and your body, but also know that if you do catch something like this its not your fault.

[bookworm21]

It's a hard lesson to teach, because you want them to realize it is serious (Especially if they aren't "lucky" like us and get HIV or AIDS!!) but you don't want them to feel down and alone if they do end up getting something. I'd love any suggestions you have :)

[victoriaxxx]

Just tell them the truth. My friend told me that he has never got tested because he is "clean" and he has never seen anything wrong down there... I said that does NOT mean you are "clean". There are so many problems with your body, that you might NOT even know are there... I said you could have HIV and not even know.. He said don't joke..

 

I said I would never joke about something like that, it's serious business.. && he should know !

[WCSDancer2010]

That's the crazy thing - I told the last guy I was with about the stats -how he has VERY likely been with at least one H+ woman (esp if you include anyone with Oral herpes) and he just got lucky SO FAR because he really doesn't like condoms. He kept saying "I should be able to tell if a woman has Herpes because I'll see it". SMH L-)

 

He said "Now you got me scared"

 

I replied "Until you know the FACTS and get tested and start using a condom and make sure all your partners are tested, you SHOULD be scared".

[bookworm21]

I hate when people say that! You can't always "see it". My little friends like to hide in weird places when I'm having an outbreak. I like to respond with, Well you can never see AIDS.