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Another oral sex with herpes conversation...


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Tonight I brought it up again.. I wasn't trying to annoy him, but he ended up getting annoyed. I told him that it was important to me. I told him it would be nice to receive oral. He said " I don't care if I get oral or not. I would rather have real sex verses oral any day." I just told him it is something that I would like to talk about..

 

He said that really he didn't say he didn't want to give me oral because of my herpes, he said it was because I talk about it so much to him that it doesn't appeal to him any more... He said that he feels like it would be a letdown for me if I didn't get it..

 

That is not the point at all. I just wanted to talk to him about it, because I wanted to let him know that it was still safer than most things.. I didn't want to upset him. /:

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Herry - I think it's something deeper than whether he gets it or not.

 

Victoria - it sounds like you have a communication breakdown here that you may need help with.

 

You see, we women are talkers... we want to have a conversation about our feelings and their feelings and everything else. Men, well, they generally are "fixers" AND they can generally only "fix" one thing at a time. They are less comfortable talking about things. Likely his idea of "fixing" it is to just go back to having sex and not think about it. Your idea is to learn about your body and take things slowly and integrate various aspects as you feel comfortable.

 

So if you can, perhaps YOU need to see a therapist to talk to someone other than him ... and maybe include him once you have processed things a bit. And come to some agreement on what will work for you BOTH.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend ....

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Tell him to watch this video where I interviewed Dr. Peter Leone at our local support group. The whole video is jam-packed with awesome facts straight from the mouth of the top herpes researcher in the country, but at 19:50, he says something very important about oral sex with herpes (that will make you feel very happy and relieved):

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@WCSDancer2010 - Maybe it is something deeper than that. Last night after I posted this I was sitting here thinking about it. Thought to myself " Man I do talk about this a lot." Like you said, us as women are talkers. Generally we talk about our feelings. I know that sometimes we can get a little overboard, because we continuously talk and talk and talk about our feelings.. As men they can kind of start to feel smothered, because all they want to do is help us.. But like you said only one thing at a time... I think I am not going to stress about it any more, and talk about it when the time comes. When it is an appropriate conversation. If you guys know me by now you all know that I like to lay it all out on the table right away ! When it is on my mind. I am blunt and to the point. Maybe with him I need to slow my roll just a little bit.

 

@Adrial - && talking about slowing my roll, I am going to save that video and talk about it with him when the time is necessary. (: Thanks guys !

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.Victoria:

 

One thing I learned a LOT later in my life is to gauge when to have a conversation with my guy. I'm like you. Something is on my mind I want to just talk about it and clear it out NOW.

 

I was with a guy who I thought was THE ONE. When I had something to say, I'd bring it up...usually first thing in the morning because I'd been obsessing about it all night :P

 

In hindsight hat put sooo much pressure on our relationship. And I sorta knew it at the time but I had not learned to control my impulsive mouth ... and I know it was a large part of why he chose to leave. He couldn't deal with something emotional/personal when he was trying to get his mind ready for work. It would intrude on his day when he was needing to put his energies on his clients.

 

You are learning the lesson I wish I had learned at your age... or I had learned faster back then. Sometimes you need to find other outlets when you need to talk. (Which is why this is such a wonderful place!). Sometimes you just need to learn when and how to start that conversation. And sometimes you need outside help to have that conversation. And part of your growth will be to learn the appropriate times for each.

 

;)

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Yeah.. My mom always told me I need to learn when to shut my mouth. I always said " No if I have something to say then I will say it." I am figuring it out now. I don't want to continuously put pressure on him, because then I know that he might leave. I mean he might leave either way, but I don't want him to leave because of the pressure. We have such a beautiful thing going here. I don't want to ruin it... Not because of my mouth at least. Sometimes I just wish I could sew it up, but then again I am glad I can't, because then I would be stuck in my head. I know he cares about me deeply. I know he is there for me, but it is still just the beginning.. && you know ? Maybe I just need to get it out here, or write it down... or doodle it out or something ?

 

There are so many outlets that I can use until the time is appropriate to actually talk to him. It's just like when I talk to my parents about certain things... I learn when is a good time to talk to them, and when is not a good time..

I need to do that with him. Especially since he is starting school and work now. He already has quite some pressure on him already.. I don't want to add to that. Honestly, all I want to do is ease his pressure.. So I am just going to shut my mouth, before I get ahead of myself.

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