Maybe more than friends with benefits?

[smilesfordani]

So I'm finally over my ex of a year that was probably the sweetest person God put in this earth...and I need advice on whether it's time or not to disclose again.

 

This is the situation:

 

Lately I've been seeing my friend with benefits a lot. We've known each other about 1.5 years and tried to date for a bit a couple years ago (about 5 months after I was diagnosed). At some point I ended things, but at the end of the day we stayed friends throughout.

 

After I broke up with my ex I've become more intimate with him yet again. We've never gone all the way, but we fool around pretty often. It's the strangest relationship ever since we're extremely close. We can talk about anything, he's never passed judgement on me, we're extremely affectionate, we will pretty much do any favor the other asks, we've given relationship/sex advice to one another often, and he seriously cares about me. I've told him time and time again that the chances of us having sex are slim (he doesn't know about H at all), and he's okay with that because he loves to spend time with me and he's fine fooling around in other ways. This has gone on for some two months now.

 

Lately, he's been hinting a lot more and asking why it would be so bad for us to have sex. I'm constantly trying to change the subject and just say that it's because we're friends and that would severely change the dynamic and I usually only do that if I know I'm the only girl in that guy's life at the time and I know he's not totally ready for that. While he's said that if feelings for me surfaced he wouldn't fight them (and lately he's been more and more affectionate, wanting to see me, wanting more attention from me, LOVES it if I act even the least bit jealous or annoyed about any girl he's seeing), he hasn't made it a point to talk seriously about the prospect of us dating, which I would need time to think about too, but let's just say, I think some feelings are growing on both ends of the spectrum.

 

About the talk:

 

I know he's been pretty promiscuous in the past, so I know for sure he has to have been exposed to this and other viruses/diseases before from the woman he's slept with, dated, hooked up with, seen. Whatever you have it. However, I'm still scared to let him know since I don't know if anyone has ever had such a talk with him. From what it seems like, nope.

 

To be honest, I'm really curious about having sex with him and want to. We have amazing chemistry, I know he cares about me deeply, and I'm certain we would have amazing sex. For him, I would make an exception to my "only when in a serious relationship" rule. I just don't know how he'll react and that terrifies me. I don't know if what we have now will continue to grow into dating (to be frank, it's likely that he might want if this keeps up...he makes comments all the time when I laugh at the thought of us being together and says that in his eyes it wouldn't be strange at all if we ended up together.)

 

I know no matter what we'll probably end up being friends again even if he reacts badly, but the thing is, I don't want him to react badly. I don't want him to see me in a different light. He knows I don't sleep around, that I'm loyal to my boyfriends, and am a great person and friend....I don't want that to change. I guess I'm between wanting him to be a friend or more than a friend at this point and dunno what the best approach is to handling a disclosure when battling those feelings out.

 

The last girl he saw used to be with slept with a ton of dudes, used to be a stripper and a drug addict and he accepted her as she was. I guess I'm terrified that he'd see me as more of a risk due to H than seeing someone like her... that would really hurt me considering his lifestyle. I'm taking anti-virals, take care of my health, and would enforce a condom if we ever did, but I'm not sure if that's enough to get the stigma cleaned fro his head.

 

I feel like I have two choices:

 

1 - I completely end our intimate relationship and am extremely strict about us being ONLY and NEVER more than friends and don't risk being hurt but also don't risk seeing where things could take me with someone that cares for me so much.

 

2 - I disclose and see where things go.....while our sex could be great and he might be accepting, he might also reject me, be weird, and in turn I would feel awful for not being able to be accepted by someone that I've been convinced loves my entire person.

 

What do I do!? :/

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@smilesfordani

 

Honey, if he accepted Stripper-chick (who was not only a candidate for Herpes and HPV, but Hep C with the drug use), you are going to seem like an Angel to him.

 

My feeling is, talk to him. Likely he is holding back because you are holding back. He has hinted at the possibility of a relationship... but he's honored your feelings because he believes you have "other" reasons for not crossing the line. I really don' think he will get weird ...

 

You only live once. This man sounds like a peach. And a good peach should never go to waste ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

Oh - and as Joancharlotte said (on the double post) ... get BOTH of you tested. I know you have been tested but it's a good gesture to go with the person if you ask them to get tested... makes for a level playing field. I for one would be concerned about his STD status given his history... esp Hep C....

 

So you may want to disclose (and have the handouts ready) and then just say that if you are going to do this thing, you have learned your lesson and you would like for him to get STD tested for everything and you will go and re-test too for the other things so it's fair. If he refuses to get tested himself, that is a BIG red flag....

 

 

[mr_hopp]

CURSE OF THE DOUBLE POST! ;) I'm closing this one down for comments. If anyone would like to add a comment to this topic, here's the original post:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2586/maybe-more-than-friends-with-benefits

 

(FYI, when you do submit a new post, just push the submit button once so it will only be posted once. It's a small glitch in the system that I haven't been able to fix. Thanks for your patience and your help!)