A million and one things p9

[Amillionthings]

X

 

[abc123]

I agree...anyone you might disclose to, and they end up rejecting us, does not make them an a&&hole. It's a sensible choice for them to make. Looking back on my own situation, I should have walked away then, but I didn't. Now I have to live with the complete devastation it has caused me. So, I would not imagine that anyone would choose to be with me. Not knowing that I could cause this kind of pain to anyone else... It's just too much to even consider.

[Amillionthings]

Someone chose to be with me, he was patient, understanding and even though it broke off for other reasons, i still had a couple of weeks of feeling on top of the world.

 

but im bk to square one, youre not alone abc. It took immense courage but i did disclose. I never thought i would. I just wont be doing it in a hurry again. Men are 2nd place to me for a while.

 

x

[WCSDancer2010]

Wow - @Amillionthings... first, I want you to know that everything I post from this point on is written with love and a hope that *something* will get through to you.... BUT... I'm not sure if you want to be helped.... you are holding on to your pain, your story, and your anger so tight I'm not sure you want to let it go. I say that because what you wrote could have been done in 2 pages .. but you continued to repeat yourself as tho you are in a loop ... and I'm not certain that you want to get off of it. You see, until you let go of what you talked about in one of the first paragraphs ... where you mentioned that you are so mad at yourself for having sex in spite of seeing the sore ... you will not be able to work on the rest of your stuff. You HAVE to forgive yourself first... and I am not sure you are ready for that... BUT, I'm willing to take a stab at this if you are willing to get some Tough Love.

 

It's 2 am - I wanted to read this before I headed to bed and at least leave you knowing that I am going to come back to this, but I want to hear from you that you are ready to hear what I am going to say. You may not like it. You may hate me for it (at least for awhile). But know that what I am saying comes from living with this in one form or another since I was 3.... and I think it's safe to say I've seen and heard it all, experienced it all, and I damn sure am not letting a virus run my life in the way that you are letting it run yours.

 

I'll be back on here later today ... in the meantime, I really want you to listen to this Ted Talk on Shame.... Brene Brown is BRILLIANT in her studies and observations on Shame.... I think it may strike a chord with you (at least I hope so). I posted a discussion about it at the link below with some excerpts that I pulled from it.. I really, really want you to *get* those excerpts before I say anything more.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. You CAN get beyond this... the question is, do you WANT to???

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2761/brene-brown-on-oprah-on-shame-and-vulnerability

[WCSDancer2010]

And BTW, I want to say I DO think it's a good thing that you put all this out there... because (as you will see in the link), Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement (of yourself) feeds Shame. You've lived in that place for FAR too long. I'm rooting for you over here ... I'll be back in the morning with my thoughts...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Amillionthings]

Thankyou Dancer....I really appreciate you taking the time to write that message. I absolutely want and need your tough love, honesty is best and I know you'll tell me how it is :)

 

Omg...i know...i repeat over and over...guess it replicates how my mind works on this.

 

the reason i struggle to let go of the moment of when it happened...is because for nearly 4 years I was in denial about how it happened...i thought if i told myself i never saw it, i could just blame that person...but now im owning up to my stupidity, naivety etc...and yep, just being someone who always puts others feelings first.

 

I want to...more than anything. I just dont know how. Now all the reasons and my feelings are out there...maybe you can help.

 

I look forward to your tough love, advice etc....and thankyou for the hug :) x

[WCSDancer2010]

Great... I'll be back on later to comment - have to go get my Granddaughter right now... but please watch that video and let me know what your thoughts are if you can between now and then, ok?

[WCSDancer2010]

Let me know when you have watched the vid... I feel it's important for you to watch it before I comment :)

[Amillionthings]

Dancer...so sorry for replying so late! Log in issues! :/

 

I watched the videos and they really had an impact on me...so, thankyou for sharing with me. What resonated most was the choice of who you show your vulnerability too ...I've shared my 'secret' with a handful of people who I care for and trust, and not one has passed judgement on me, but I knew they wouldnt. Listening to Brenes words also helped me to feel thats its ok to decide who I tell and who I feel is deserving of seeing my vulnerability. It releases that feeling of guilt for not sharing with everyone, I don't have to. And I dont want to, not because I'm ashamed- but for reasons I outlined in my 'essay' ;)

 

 

I really dont feel too shameful about it, now that I've educated myself on the figures and facts....its more that I've disclosed to the people I want to and to be very honest, I just don't feel I need to share it with everyone I know! Herpes has taught me its ok to be a bit more closed, I dont have to share everything. I have a choice.

 

I too feel that sharing your vulnerability is courage...when I disclosed to someone it took so much courage and bravery...and I'm proud of myself for being able to do it. Vulnerability does not make us weak...but shows a strength that too many people are frightened to show.

 

I can say that the anxiety leading up to the disclosure I made, was infact alot tougher than the actual disclosure, mostly because of the situation in which it occured...i will never sleep with someone before I disclose again....the upset ate away at me, I have learnt how to deal with things way better in the future. But it was still successful disclosure.

 

You are right, i need to forgive myself and I also need to value myself. I have learnt a few things about myself, i see this is the 'opportunity' that h-opp is about.

 

I feel that how I feel about H, and how I felt about it for a long time is a big part of why my difficulties in accepting have occured, due to the environment I was in, and other personal experiencess I have had...all of which have had a great impact on how I feel about H and myself.

 

I too feel that I have used H as a scapegoat, excuse. I've been so lost in it. There are other aspects in my life i feel unhappy about- so i need to seperate these from H.

 

I feel its been an opportunity to learn things about myself on a deeper lever, I have at times been able to feel these connections.

 

Alot of the angry feelings I have about H are related to a recent relationship experience...so alot of my upset lies here...and i think it would have with or without herpes. What happened had nothing to do with H. I think maybe i was needy before H...so H has not helped there.

 

I also feel I put an immense pressure on myself to be in a relationship because of my age...I need to stop this...it isnt helping me. I need to stop comparing myself to others, but i know why i do.

 

I also know, that I need to work on myself alot before i even give thought to a relationship. I need to be easier on myself.

 

I am seeing the opportunity side of it all. I just need to let go

 

Really looking forward to your input dancer. Be tough. I think I can take it

 

I do feel pretty bad about sharing years worth of thought and feelings...my main concern is that I truly hope I havent caused upset in anyone

 

its no so much the shame etc of herpes, its my anger at what it has ruined for me....in terms of a recent relationship and the upset and depression its caused me, this is what i find hard

 

xx

[WCSDancer2010]

Ah Grasshopper.... you just said at least 75% of what I was going to say! I had a feeling that the Brene Brown video would "speak" to you! I want you to print that reply out and put it somewhere where you can remind yourself of all the things you need to do to start moving forward...

 

This caught my eye tho"

I think maybe i was needy before H...so H has not helped there.

 

And THAT is likely a huge part of the issue... and H is the messenger for you... you just didn't know how to listen to it until now. Many of us who get H look back and say "Man, I allowed myself to get into hook-ups and relationships that were not healthy for me because I needed to be needed/loved/admired/whatever". I got H at 17 because I was in that stupid female teenage space where any guy over 18 looking at me was flattery and I allowed myself to be used by a guy who had no intention of having any relationship with me.

 

H is a great magnifier of our already ingrained weaknesses and insecurities. Those that are concerned with what OTHER people think of how they look will often be most worried about someone seeing a sore on their lip or getting scars on their nether regions. Those that believe they are unlovable will be totally convinced that they are now part of the Leper Colony and they will never find love, marry, and have kids. Those who have trust issues will never believe that someone might actually love them with such a "terrible" flaw. With H, it all comes right to the top and you can't avoid dealing with it if you want to get your life back. Go back and read what you wrote, and you will probably realize that all those insecurities that you are blaming H for (having declared that you were confident and outgoing and such) were there all the time... you were just much better at faking it back then ;) You pretty much touched on it in this line

 

I too feel that I have used H as a scapegoat, excuse. I've been so lost in it. There are other aspects in my life i feel unhappy about- so i need to seperate these from H.

 

Again, in the end, THIS is the bottom line for you:

 

You are right, i need to forgive myself and I also need to value myself. I have learnt a few things about myself, i see this is the 'opportunity' that h-opp is about.

 

I'm guessing you placed very high expectations on yourself before H and when you committed such a cardinal sin as to have sex when your mind and your gut said it wasn't a good idea was too much for you to forgive yourself for. But in the end, it's in the past. You made an error of judgement. We ALL do that ALL the time. Sometimes we get lucky and the consequences are minor...sometimes they are huge. Most of the time they are somewhere in the middle, and on the grand scheme of just how badly you can fuck up in life, this is still nowhere near the top of the list.

 

AND, like it or not, any time you have sex with ANYONE that you are not in a committed, monogamous relationship where you have both gone and been tested for everything (and the tests have to be at least 4 months post last relationship), there WILL be a risk involved for something to go wrong. It's a simple fact of life, just as any time that you walk out the door and get in your car, there's a risk you can be in an accident... AND, it may occur because you ignored the "warning signs" like you knew that the tires were bald or that the roads were icy and you drove anyway.

 

Or as I like to put it:

 

We are all human beings, being human.

 

We are beautifully imperfect... yet we beat ourselves up when we screw up.... rather than accepting the lesson, cleaning up any mess we have made with others, and moving on, we self flagellate and berate ourselves. We all want Unconditional Love, yet we place conditions on our self love.... now how fucked up is that??? How can we expect someone to love us and all our imperfections if we don't love ourselves first? To go into a relationship "needing" someone to help us feel "whole" or "complete" is soooo totally unfair to that person.... you are putting a burden on them to hold you up and to continually say and do things to PROVE to you that you are lovable. I have a friend who is a GORGEOUS 57 year old woman who is sooo needy that I sat and watched her sabotage a relationship with a guy by exhausting him with her insecurities...and of course the relationship couldn't stand up to that in the long run.

 

And I know you couldn't see it when you were writing that missive, but H *can* be your Wing-man. Go back and read my blog again... I never said all men are assholes if they walk away. *My take* on it is that H is just another one of those things that may be a deal breaker for some. For me, it is HOW the guy reacts to the disclosure that tells me that he was a jerk, or that he was a real prospect who found a deal breaker he was not willing to subject himself to. I'll bet that at least half the people who don't stick around fall into the former category and THOSE are the ones you can thank your lucky H that you found out about that side of them before you threw your heart over the fence. AND, because you have H, you will be careful about how quickly you get intimate with someone (I have had problems with that in the past, so I TOTALLY understand). Once you are intimate, it's harder to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy for you. As you said, having to start over SUCKS. Dating SUCKS. Having to get to a point of risking your heart again SUCKS. But being alone is a hell of a lot better than being in a relationship where you are lonely :( It may take a little longer for you to get vulnerable enough to tell someone, but when you do, it will be because you feel they DESERVE to see that side of you.....

 

I think that you really know what you need to do. You know that you need to forgive yourself.... and you may need professional help with that, or you may just finally be so sick and tired of the angst and the drama that you will just drop it one day soon.

 

Try this on... Write yourself a letter as tho you are apologizing to yourself for getting Herpes. Put it all out there - how you have hated and loathed yourself for your "stupidity", how you have self sabotaged relationships and blamed H, how you have kept yourself from hanging with friends on days when you were having a full on pity party, whatever is YOUR truth. Print it, go to the next town and mail it to yourself. Open it and read it when it arrives as tho you have no idea what its about. And then write yourself another letter of forgiveness.... mail it to yourself, and then open and read it to yourself (aloud would be best - you REALLY need to HEAR it.)

 

Do that, then come back on here with your thoughts and revelations.

 

We are rooting for you over here... and by the way - no apologies for your "sharing" all that pent up emotion. You have no idea how many people will read that, identify with it, and hopefully learn from what you just wrote after seeing the video and from what I am writing here. This site is getting somewhere around 40k unique hits a month.... that's a lot of scared, upset, confused, and angry people who are looking for support and answers. And as Brene said... Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement (of yourself) feeds Shame. You may not feel shame about your H but you are holding on to your shame about HOW you got it my friend. Writing all of that just put a whole words in that petri dish of shame... you have broken your Silence, you are coming out of the closet of secrecy... all that remains is to let go of your self judgement. And THAT will come when you learn to love yourself...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

 

PS: Adrial has designed a Home Study course that is in Beta mode right now and will hopefully be open to the public very soon. I STRONGLY suggest that you look into that. He is also running an (h)Opp weekend later this year (details to follow hopefully very soon!). I am planning on being there as part of the Team and it may be another option for you down the road... watch this site and your email for details!!!

 

[Amillionthings]

Wow dancer....thankyou so much for your reply. The time and effort you put into helping others is amazing, I couldnt wait to read your reply :)....I thought it was important for you and others to see my other thoughts that arent so negative, so that's why I wrote it above. Not to stop you from saying it, but toown up to it all. To take responsibilty.

 

You're right, I am at a point to just wanting to let go of it all. Hindsight is a fucker and it has'nt got me anywhere, I can't change the past.

 

H has highlighted I was living in a life style, an environment that wasn't really me for quite a while. I've taken lots of steps to move away from it...and when I have I have felt way better!

 

yes youre right, high expectations of myself...I think I put myself too high on a pedastol...H has highlighted my judgement of others....i am still caring and kind and thoughtful as I always was, but I am now more empathetic, understanding...and having a 'flaw' myself...makes me human...imperfect...it's been a big reality check...i'm not perfect, or invincible...I'm human...and even I can fuck up!!

 

I did get some counselling, which helped a bit, as have conversations with friends....but this, right here, your support and that of others, people who truly understand has been the most helpful. Thankyou. I also know, as someone who is deep and analytical when it comes to myself specifically....that it is truly only me who can change my life, through acceptance, and a more positive perspective. Now that I'm no longer in denial...I really hope I can get there. Quite simply, I need to. My choice is to continue as I am...or live a full life...full of fun and excitement and travel and friends...and hopefully someday...a wonderful relationship.

 

I agree, it is totally unfair putting this needy-ness on to someone. Hopefully if I get in a situation like i recently did again, I will be strong enough to walk away when I should. It would have saved alot of heartbreak! I've totally learnt my lesson. H just made it harder...as I wasn't ready to let go of the amazing feeling a successful disclosure brings. It truly makes you feel on top of the world. At the time i remember thinking...'this is bull shit, i'm never going to let anyone make me feel like this again'...and thats what I will keep telling myself.H had nothing to do with why it broke off...but it did make me cling on ....I won't do that again.

 

i will read your wingman post...in noooo way were my thoughts directed at you dancer...it was my anger coming out!!! :( sorry if it came across as an attack on you..it truly wasnt! Xx

 

you are completely right....infact i think youve just hit the point ive struggled to find....that my shame is how i got it...it showed me that for a short time in my life, i let my morals slip...i thought an std wouldnt happen to me, i was following others and not leading my own way. Because of H...i wont be going down the wrong path again. Thankyou for noticing this and actually putting it into words. It's more about being truthful about my choices and sexual behaviour...not pretending anymore. I had morals...my whole life...I let them slip, did I enjoy it. Truth be told, no.

 

I've never experienced being in love...and being in a r'ship...and I think this plays a big part in my disbelief that its possible. But i did disclose to someone successfully...and i keep telling myself, if someone who only likes me can accept me, then someone who truly loves me just might to.

 

Thankyou...its such a positive forum...i felt i may rock the boat...but i also know that there will be people who have thought or feel the same. I have hopefully got it all out there and it may, just may bring a bit of relief if someone can relate to it in anyway.

 

Dancer....you really are amazing and selfless...to give so much to people youve never even met or know

 

A big hug from me to you :) x

 

[WCSDancer2010]

i will read your wingman post...in noooo way were my thoughts directed at you dancer...it was my anger coming out!!! sorry if it came across as an attack on you..it truly wasnt! Xx

 

I didn't take it personally - I knew it was anger speaking...that's why I said to go back and re-read it now that you are in a better space ;)

 

And try that letter project... I think you are on the edge of a huge breakthrough and I think this will help you to the other side

 

(((HUGS)))

 

And regarding the H Opp weekend - last time Adrial had people from all over the globe... start saving you pennies (or whatever) now ;)

[Amillionthings]

:) wow...h opp really has some global status hey!

 

Oh good! I'm so pleased you didn't!

 

You have helped so much xxx

[Amillionthings]

Right...I'm new to this forum stuff!...how the heck do I tag a user so they can see I've written to them? Help! :)

 

So Dancer, I read the wing man post. I get it. :) x

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Just put the @ sign before their name - it just makes it stand out

 

Glad you get it now ;)

[Amillionthings]

Thankyou..ha!

 

I dont like herpes, i never will. I dont have to like it. But i have it and so i have to deal with it...if i ever get to a vulnerable point of disclosing again...ill definitely be looking to your artice again :)