Big problem with HSV-negative partner: Please help?

[shkmurphy]

Hey all,

 

I'm a first-time poster to the site, but I've been reading for a while. This post is a bit long (sorry) but right now, I'm dealing with a pretty big problem and I don't know how to handle it unless I also give some context.

 

Just a little back story about me first. I was first diagnosed with HSV2 when I was a senior in college. A guy I was seeing at the time came down with the condition and came to me about it. Initially, I had no symptoms, but upon being tested, I turned out positive. Shortly after that, I had my first OB, and basically, the whole diagnosis just flipped my world upside down. I ended up struggling with depression, ditching my post-graduation plans and staying in a really bad relationship for a couple years afterwards because of it. The guy who I was with at the time - who was positive for HSV2, as well - was unfaithful, but I was afraid to leave because I felt like no one would ever want to be with me again. After finally mustering up the strength, I left him, but I definitely felt like I was never going to find anyone again - or worse, I'd date and just face constant rejection whenever I tried to tell someone about my condition.

 

This was a year ago. After the split with the ex, I spent time working on myself, going to therapy, trying to make new friends and exploring different daily suppressive medications. (I've been OB-free ever since switching to Acyclovir last summer.) I wasn't thinking about relationships; even when men did start crawling out of the woodwork after the breakup, I just couldn't bring myself to bother. I felt like once they knew about HSV2, they'd never be interested in me really, so why even try?

 

And then one evening, I was out with a friend and without even expecting it, things took a different turn. Truth is, I'd been interested in him for years, but the timing just never had synced up, and then after finding out about HSV2, I figured there would never be a shot between us. That evening though, everything suddenly seemed to come together. I told him right away - before we did anything intimate - about having HSV2. I told him it was his choice to make, and I'd understand if it was a dealbreaker, but I thought he deserved to know before anything serious happened. After taking some time to educate himself on it, he came back and told me that he wanted to move forward with our relationship.

 

I was beyond thrilled - and a little shocked. He's the only person I've ever disclosed to (romantically), and to have it work out just like that seemed so surreal to me. We've been happily dating for several months now, and not only is he still HSV-free, but it's just been a general complete 180 from the way things were with the ex.

 

I was pretty convinced up until this week that things were perfect, but then something has happened that’s really made me have doubts. We’ve been using protection all along, in addition to the meds I take, when we have sex. But even still, there are some things he just won’t do - specifically, oral sex. I tried to tell him it was important to me, and recommended using a dental dam. He still wasn’t open to it. It wasn’t really something I was angry about - disappointed, and definitely frustrated, but I tried to put myself in his position and I could kind of understand it. I was still hopeful that eventually he’d come around, especially since just in general, we have a pretty reciprocal relationship.

 

This week I brought it up again, and his response just floored me. He started bragging about the other women he’d been with, and how much he’s always enjoyed it with them and has always been reciprocal, he just can’t with me because of the herpes risk. I was immediately really upset and hurt, because it felt like he was just throwing his sexual past in my face and drawing a very clear line and distinction: this is what I like to do with normal, healthy girls, but you’re not normal, so you’ll never have this.

 

I felt, in that moment, so utterly stigmatized. I've also been struggling because - and this is really where I’d really love to hear about others’ experiences - I feel like I’ve held up my side of the bargain here. I was honest right from the start, I’ve been taking medication and I’ve been completely open about my health in general since we got together. It hasn’t been easy; in fact, I feel really embarrassed at times. But, it’s the right thing, and so I do it. It feel likes I’ve just been doing all the work, and then to have it shoved in my face and used as an excuse for holding back - especially when it hasn’t been a problem in other ways - just seems so unfair and so insensitive.

 

There’s also the part of me that is just always going to be damaged from my ex and his behavior. My current bf is a different person, but it doesn’t change that I have this residual pain from being cheated on, put down, and being made to feel inferior to other women, in the past. His words just cut so deep, and I don’t know now if it’s worth it to keep going in the relationship, because I feel like there was so much insensitivity in the way he handled it.

 

Have other people dealt with this - of struggling to find a HSV-negative partner who really understands what they’re going through and is capable of empathizing? I feel like so much of the herpes experience (after discovery, disclosure and stigma) is looking out for someone else’s needs - their health and their right to choose. What about those of us with HSV2 who continue to struggle every day? At what point does it become okay to start demanding that someone think about ours?

 

[Amillionthings]

A really moving story. You are clearly a caring and thoughtful person who does the right thing. Sorry you're going through this upsetting time. I've not been in this situation...so I'm not in a position to comment or advise you on things. But here to support anyway :) x

[WCSDancer2010]

@shkmurphy

 

He started bragging about the other women he’d been with, and how much he’s always enjoyed it with them and has always been reciprocal, he just can’t with me because of the herpes risk.

 

That is uncalled for and cruel and you need to tell him that. I had a BF do a similar thing (boasting to me about his abilities with other women when I wasn't responding as fast to him as he wanted) and I know that pain. Back then I just took the hit - today he would have had his ass laid out for being such a dick. Sorry, but this really really pisses me off when someone is that hurtful. He has every right to be "scared" but not to act that way.

 

So here's my 2 cents worth. I'd tell him just how much his comments hurt you... call him out and say it was uncalled for and cruel to boast to you about his past exploits and to make you feel "dirty" in that way. Then I would point out to him that HSV2 really, REALLY hates the mouth even without you taking the anti-virals... that without anti-virals the number of HSV2 oral cases are less than 1% of all oral herpes cases. He stands a far better chance of catching oral thrush from you (and any other woman he might ever be with) than he is of getting Oral HSV2 from you.

 

Print out the disclosure handout (link below) and show it to him.

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Point out where it talks about Oral HSV (upper right hand column).... if he still refuses, well, you have to consider whether this is a deal breaker for you, or if you are willing to stay but you may want to work on some "rules of play" (ie, then you don't feel obliged to give him oral sex either).

 

BTW, have you seen HIS test results? If not, you really need to ask him to get tested. If he refuses, well, I'd wonder why he would not want to get tested.

 

Herpes will show you a person's true colors. He may be better than your ex, but you still have to make sure you don't ever allow someone to treat you like that. As Dr Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. Don't let him get away with that comment. He owes you an apology. End of story.

 

(((HUGS)))

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Agreed. Assssshollleeee comment. Out of line. Boy needs to be put back in his place. Ugh. Shaking my head over here... @wcs hit the nail on the head about hsv2 and passing it to the mouth! Sounds like y'all need a heart to heart. It just wasn't right what he said.

[lt05]

I agree, i mean you can't force anyone to do something if they're THAT worried about it, even after seeing the numbers. But that is very uncalled for and shouldn't have been said.. he should be making you feel just as special as he would with any other girl.

What the hell is normal now days anyways?