Finally ready to deal with this.....

[hope42morrow]

I have to confess that I have been "trolling" this site for more than a year now. What finally convinced me to "come out" was the post that @amillionthings wrote. I wrote a similar post a couple of years prior on a different support forum. It was written during one of my darkest moments, and I got.... Silence. For two days. Followed by one response from a writer who literally told me to "get over it", and then went on to write how happy she was that she had never been that upset about it. It was, in a word, devastating. And convinced me that reaching out was essentially useless. Until I saw the love and support that was given to @amillionthings. It was amazing. And I realized that I wanted to be a part of such a wonderful group. I am not in that same dark place anymore. But I am still so afraid. Afraid of what this means for my future. And I am tired of being afraid. Tired of trying to deal with this on my own. And ready to come to peace with it.

I was diagnosed with hsv2 three years ago. Given to me by a man who decided not to tell me he had it. I have run the gammut on emotions with this, as we all have. I was 37 at the time I got it and it was like a bomb going off in my life. Since then I have been struggling with depression off and on and just feeling so alone. And isolated. I have confided in my brother (my best friend and ally) and another close friend I've known for 25 years. They are both loving and supportive but can't truly relate....

Anyways. I am hoping to get support but also wanting to give it. I am a "medical professional", a registered nurse who has worked in critical care for 15 years now. There has been a lot of discussion lately on this board regarding the ignorance of the medical community (I agree 100% by the way), and a couple of very disturbing posts about some horrid treatment given to people by doctors that made me cringe. Just so you all know, we are not all like that. But MD's in paricular can be notoriously callous and unempathetic (God complex anyone?), but there are wonderful ones out there. My doc was fantastic, held my hand as I cried and laid out as much info as he thought I could handle at the time. I just love him. And I drive him nuts. Every timeI see him I have already self diagnosed and tell him exactly what scripts I need.

Along that line if I can give one word of advice. Many of you are trying the non-medicinal route in treating this. I respect that. But I also think for those of you suffering endless breakouts that you are suffering needlessly. All of the antivirals have been tested ad nauseum and are some of the safest drugs to take. I have discussed this at length with my doctor. According to him studies have been done on patients who have taken them for years and there has been practically no incidence of liver or kidney problems related to that. If you are taking the meds and are still having breakouts try "playing around" with the meds. Try switching up the time intervals you take them, space it out evenly. I take valcyclovir, I split the 1 gram tabs in half and take half in the am and the other in the pm. After years of trial and error that's what works best for me. Also, all of the meds are the same basic drug, but are just absorbed differently by the body. If one is not working for you try another, hopefully insurance will allow you to do that. I'm hoping one day to not need to take them, but I have had some horrible breakouts which just devastate me emotionally and physically are quite painful. Again, do what's best for you. But for me it has been a lifesaver.

Thanks for listening. And Adrial, thanks for starting this. Your youtube videos have helped me get through some of my darkest nights. You are an amazing person, I can only hope to one day be so brave... And WCSdancer, you just rock. Amazing advice. Are you the one who said "wigglers on the tonsils"?? That seriously cracks me up every time I think of it. Hilarious.... And thanks to all of you who give love and suoport to strangers. Ok, enough of the love fest....

I'll end this with my three favorite sayings. I have them posted above my coffeemaker so they're the first thing I see every morning...

"Never make someone a priority when they treat you like an option"

"Fear is the greatest thief of joy"

"Do not make decisions based on fear. Instead, make decisions based on truth"

Peace beautiful people....

[whymegirl]

Thanks for posting :)

[Amillionthings]

@hope42morrow...i too like you looked at this forum until i joined. I could see the positivity and support....but felt my true feelings and thoughts might not be for this forum. I debated with myself for days...but i posted it all. I had too. And i got more support and care i could have asked for. I have since deleted them...because they are so negative and i would hate for someone to come here for help...and for my posts to deter them or make them feel worse. I know if i had read them when i first got diagnosed it would have hit me hard to read those words...however, to hear that they convinced you to 'come out' really makes me feel good...as you can now get the best support, advice and wisdom there is. This site isa small miracle amongst a load of negative stigma posted all over the internet. Im pleased your here. And so sorry you had those reactions...those peoples are idiots. Ignore it. Forget it. You have us now :)

 

Im tired of it too. I feel im at a point where im just so pissed off with it. I cant be bothered to think about it anymore. But naturally i do. And reading some of your words...they really resonated with me. My future and the uncertanties. We worry because we have a heart, a conscience and care for others.

 

You are not alone :)

 

xx

 

 

[hope42morrow]

Thanks @amillionthings. I can't help but think about it, too. Some days it's like a screaming loop running through my head (PMS). Other days it's like a whisper hanging out in the background. But it's always there. Still. Everyone in my life views me as being "so strong", and I'd like to think that I am. My job alone forces me to keep a tight rein on my emotions and reactions to the environment I'm in. But I'm not made of stone. And I can't always be strong. But, on this topic in particular, there's been no one to reach out to on those days where the thoughts are so consuming. And I've been too afraid to reach out. But fear and I don't get along very well and I am finally reaching a breaking point on this. I want my warrior back. And this microscopic virus has been holding it down and I am just pissed off. And grateful for you. Thank you for those posts, for your raw honesty. It was hard to read. But only because I could have written those same words at various points over the last three years. Every one of them....

[Amillionthings]

Same here. Its a thought. Whether its a depressing one or a 'RIGHT! I need to get over this and live my life' one. I feel like you too....youve described yourself...but i feel like youve described me too!

 

No one is made of stone and no one can ever stay strong all of the time. Trying to stay too strong for too long is the problem...like we need to ease up in ourselves and stop beating ourselves up.

 

You now have a whole forum of people to reach out to.... on bad days and better days. You wont ever need to feel alone again...because youre not. So pleased you're here. :)

 

Fear is debilitating...it reallly does suck the joy out of life. I get it. Im sick of being frightened..i need to take a chance and get myself out there. But im not ready. I am now my priority. Thinking about my future and herpes eats away at me. I have to deal with it if i meet someone. And ill be vulnerable when i feel that person deserves to see me that way. And then ill pray theyll stay and accept me. We need ti replace fear wuth hope and faith i guess. Easier said than done...i get it...youll get it.

 

You are welcome...im really pleased there was a positive from them. Kind of think i shud have left them up now :/ .

 

i get you. I understand. As does everyone here.

 

A big hug for you from me :)

[WCSDancer2010]

See @Amillionthings! Even your darkest posts helped someone to not feel alone ... so never, ever worry about that. We'll let you know if you have crossed the line to a point where it's unhelpful for the group :)

 

and @Hope43morrow ...Welcome! Glad you have put a toe out of your closet. Because that is all this is... and the more you can open that door and let people in, instead of suffering alone, the easier it will get - promise. :)

 

My job alone forces me to keep a tight rein on my emotions and reactions to the environment I'm in. But I'm not made of stone. And I can't always be strong. But, on this topic in particular, there's been no one to reach out to on those days where the thoughts are so consuming. And I've been too afraid to reach out. But fear and I don't get along very well and I am finally reaching a breaking point on this. I want my warrior back. And this microscopic virus has been holding it down and I am just pissed off.

 

Sounds like you need an outlet for your emotions ... have you tried writing, singing, dancing, or the like? Find some place that you can let it out. You are right - your job makes you keep things in and that is not healthy.

 

And BTW, the virus isn't keeping your Warrior down - YOU are... your fears and anger are keeping you back. Work on that, and the virus will become an insignificant little pain-in-the-(ahem) nether regions... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

.

[Amillionthings]

Its good isnt it Dancer. True feelings and thoughts people can relate to. Its nice to know it was useful to a person and Im pleased that @hope is finally here...:)

 

Haha im not a person who crosses lines

 

@hope....i hope you are feeling a bit brighter now youre finally here :)

[hope42morrow]

Thanks WCSDancer. You have a fabulous ability to see through the bs and get to the heart of it. I wasn't even sure what was at the "heart" of what I wrote until I read your response. It is the fear. And you are dead on as far as it being me holding me back and not h...

I do have an outlet. I hike. A lot. I live in So Cal and it's almost a daily thing. There's a canyon with trails right off the ocean that's about a mile from where I live and it's my second home. And is my "medicine" to control my anxiety and give me a clear head to look at whatever issue I'm dealing with from a more objective viewpoint. Any major decisions I have to make I put off until I'm on the trail. I would go nuts without it. And, of course, my job is insane. But I love it. And I hate it. But I wouldn't change it right now. It, too, pulls me out of my head.

But I don't know what to do with this fear. It is, in a way, a foreign emotion to me. Anything else in my life that made me afraid I would confront it, deal with it, and the problem goes away. But this problem won't go away. All I can do is confront it, deal with it, and try to look at it in some type of constructive way. And I keep getting stuck on that. I'm not even sure where to start. So I've lived in a relative state of denial for the past three years. But this last year in particular has been really rough, and not just with the h. And I'm hitting a wall. And know I need to reach out. Do what I tell so many others I'm close to, and take my power back. I just want to feel peace with this. I don't feel "dirty" anymore, I know that's not true. I didn't do anything wrong. But I sure do feel damaged....

And @amillionthings, I feel you are like a sister from another mother. You and WCS.... Thanks for being there for me today. And making me feel safe here. You are wonderful.

[Amillionthings]

@hope....sister from another mister :)....again i read your words and its like they are coming from me. In particular...the dealing with everything else...problem goes away..this won't...foreign emotion. I never even knew what anxiety was until H came along. I wouldnt wish that feeling on anybody. Im stuck too. I too do not feel dirty anymore.

 

I feel like to really live...to really experience life...to break this H curse that has trapped us in ways...caused us fear and axiety etc...is to do the following...quite literally...this is what i try to say to myself...

 

ok...fuck it...i have it...so do lots of others.

 

Fuck stigma

 

its a cold sore. Its mostly dormant it could be worse.

 

I accept i may get rejected for it...and i have to take it on the chin if i do. Brush it off. Move on.

 

I need to protect myself but to find love i will need to be vulnerable...and i have a right to get to know someone before i show them my courage and bravery in disclosure.

 

I try to think like this...but the fear and anxiety kicks in. Im afraid im not strong enough...because i know i would not handle a rejection well. At all. But i have to accept this might happen if i am ever going to let anyone in. I think this is what stops me most. I tell myself i will get myself to a great place...feel good...look my best...strive for my ambitions etc...but i KNOW...bevause i know myself...that it holds me back from love and relationships and a rejection would destroy me all over again. And this is where i am stuck. Like i scramble away a bit and this sucks me right back.

 

another truth bombshell i gotta get out there ;)

 

Youre completely safe here. I really am so pleased u finally arrived :)

 

Im sure very wise words will follow.

 

Xx

 

 

 

 

[Amillionthings]

Ps. I suppose if were damaged...it means were a bit broken...but broken things can get fixed.

 

a v. Tough year for me too. I brick wall has been hit too. You sure youre not me...haha ;)

[abc123]

Ahhhh....@ hope42morrow.... Your story and comments really touched me. I too feel exactly like you. Being very strong for so long, but tired on the inside. That loop playing in your head over and over, or that quiet whisper in your ear. Solving and confronting all kinds of problems, but this one.... Can't be solved, can't be cured, can't be forgotten. Not even for a little while, for just a small break and some peace in our minds. Feeling damaged, feeling less than everyone else. I too was just saying the other day, "I am a strong person, I can do almost anything, I have survived a lot, but even I am weak sometimes, no man is an island, I am not made of stone. Even I have to ask for help and guidance." Being isolated when I have so many friends who want me around, to go out, meet new people. Sometimes it's just too much to put back on the brave face and smile when you feel like dying. @amillionthings is also a person I can relate to on many levels. So many people here are feeling the same things and just need a place to "be". You are in the right place. I don't know where I would be without this site. In many ways, it literally saved my life. All of your stories have saved my life, And for that, I thank you all. Hugs, abc123

[Amillionthings]

:) ok...triplets now ;). I think it saved me too and im sure it will again. Hugs to u abc x

[hope42morrow]

@amillionthings and @abc123, apparently I have many relatives I was unaware of.... It makes my heart lighter to know I am not the only one feeling this. And heavier to know I am not the only one feeling this. And I say the same things to myself. "I am stronger than this virus", "F*ck herpes, I own you not the other way around", etc. Which helps. Sometimes. But other times I want to put my head under the pillows and never come out. And that loop or tape playing in my head. That whisper. It makes me insane sometimes. I just want it to, to be blunt, shut the fuck up. Seriously. Sometimes it goes down to a low static. When I hold my niece, pet my cat, watch a great movie, am slammed at work. Just peace. I want, need to find it. So that maybe one day I can help others to find it. And if I can do that, maybe this will all be worth it. I can hope so anyways...

[Amillionthings]

Its like youre in my head. Lols!

 

Suddenly peace, contentment and happiness have become my main goals in life. But i know i wont truly feel that til i find acceptance from someone...and it lasts forever

 

x

[WCSDancer2010]

but i KNOW...bevause i know myself...that it holds me back from love and relationships and a rejection would destroy me all over again.

 

@Amillionthings - I gave you a link on rejection, right? Did you watch it? I thoroughly believe when we understand how our brains function - how we let our "primitive brain" run our lives much of the time - it helps us to to learn to live with it, because we know that much of it is automatic reaction ... just that and no more. The feelings of "rejection" (or rather, not wanting not be rejected) serves a purpose in a herd or a society because it makes the animals/humans "behave" within the rules of that group so they are not marginalized (which would put them at risk of being eaten by a wild animal) So the fear of rejection is very real.... AND ... it's a primitive reaction that is not necessary to our survival any more but your brain doesn't know that. So when you are rejected, if you can bring yourself to remember that, it holds less of a grip on you. YOu know you just have to ride it out. AND, each time, it gets easier. Promise.

 

As a business owner, I get "rejected" a lot when I get inquiries about what I offer. Initially it bothered me..now I just know that those people are looking for something different than what I have to offer ;)

 

If you need the link again I'll look it up ... it's fascinating stuff ;)

[Amillionthings]

Hi dancer...i cant find the link x

[hope42morrow]

@amillionthings... Just a word here, coming from a place of love. Trust me when I say, you cannot base your happiness and/or peace on the love and acceptance of a man (or woman for that matter), it really does have to come from within. Cliché, I realize. Coming from someone who's had two almost ten year relationships and a couple that were 6 months or more, most will not last forever. Your heart will likely be broken one day. Mine was. A year ago very badly. So I retreated. Stopped dating, got depressed, etc. But I am planning to pick myself up again and get out there. Joining here was part of my "recovery", trying to deal with and come to terms with my life, the good and the bad. Rather than living in a state of denial. Denial never works. Even if you manage to quiet the source of your angst, it will come out of you in other ways. Most often in the form of very unhealthy behaviors. At least it did for me. I put on some weight, stopped exercising as much as I normally do, too much wine (at times), etc. Right now I'm trying to be healthy in "my own head", before I invite another person into my life. So I'm back to exercising, eating well, cutting back on the wine. I want to be my best, secure within myself. And for the purposes of being here, to not feel like "damaged goods" anymore. Because, logically, I know that I'm not. But emotionally it still plays with me. And emotions often overrun logic. Never count on a man (or woman) to define your happiness. Find your own definition. That way if someone hurts you (which will happen to us all eventually), you can come back to that definition. To that faith and confidence that you have in yourself. That's what I'm trying to do. That and forgive myself for falling apart, shutting down for a bit. I hope that makes sense....

[WCSDancer2010]

There are two good ones out there... one is Adrials Podcast

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

And these are about the Science behind rejection

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

http://www.salon.com/2013/07/23/rejection_is_more_powerful_than_you_think/

 

I saw an article where a guy set himself up for "100 days of Rejection Therapy" - making one request every day that he would likely be rejected for ... it's just the normal way that therapists work with fear issues (controlled exposure therapy to the fear) but it's an interesting way to learn to deal with rejection ;)

[Amillionthings]

Thankyou...your great :)

 

Ill definitely look at it all

 

xx

[Amillionthings]

Hey @hope

 

it all makes sense. Every word. And its like a good slap in my face...a wake up call...thankyou

 

this is the....right get out there...youre gonna get hurt...its likely it will happen...it happens to all of us.. at some point. It has happened to me...and it really hurts. And it may happen again. Or it might not. If im lucky BUT either way i NEED to be good to me...look after me...be at my best...so i can actually be happy in my own skin. I totally understand and agree that no person should be completely responsible for anothers happiness...it just isnt fair

 

i believe i can...and will...get myself to a better place...this in itself is a choice...i can choose to make changes which in my case can only mean that things will get better....or i stay feeling shitty....and inevitbly things get worse. I have quite literally hit my lowest ever points in my life to date over the past few months. You know, rock bottom, but i keep saying to myself....if im at the bottom...i can only go up...things can only get better....if i let them

 

si for now....to even consider dealing with possible rejection...possible heartbreak and all that comes with it....is not an option. Because to be able to deal with all that...to be able to get over it, if it happens...I HAVE to be in a good place with myself. I need to be in a place where i dont feel I need someone to fix me. I need to be in such a good place that i can get out there..and be like...fuck it...i might get rejected...oh well..his loss...plenty more fish in the sea...NEXT!! I need to face my fear. Because if i dont ..if i avoid my fear...hide away from it...then i will do what i did for the last for years....turn everyone away...and then whn someone did come along...i pinned so much on him...and yes his acceptance was amazing...but actually it clouded and over shadowed very important things...such as trust, honesty, compatibility...i was so focused on the fact he accepted...i over looked other things needed in a r ship....things that are much more important...than an infrequent blister that turns up down there every once in a while.

 

And i need to forgive myself totally. Im getting there.

 

Thanks for your words. Very wise. It means alot to be able to reap the rewards of knowledge from other peoples experience.

 

X

[Amillionthings]

Ps. I tried denial for a while. 4 years in total i think. Yeah, it doesnt work ;)