I've been with him for 1.5 years and he still doesn't know I have herpes. HELP!

[bjburdette]

I have a severe dilemma. I am 22 and have been dating my 48-year old boyfriend for 1.5 years. When we first started messing around I did not tell him that I have herpes. I was diagnosed with HSV2 in 2011. I was afraid that he would want nothing to do with me and I did not think that we would end up having a serious relationship. It sounds horrible and selfish - I know. I have been having a lot of trouble lately dealing with the fact that he still doesn't know. I make sure that we don't have sex while I'm having an outbreak. What bothers me too is that he is always joking around about herpes and when talking about STDs he has actually said "If you'd told me on our first date that you had an STD, I would have just drove you back home and that would have been it." It breaks my heart when he says things like that because I know that he could never accept me if he knew. Two nights ago we were watching a new episode of "Family Guy" where Brian gives Stewie herpes and they both have massive sores. My boyfriend was laughing his ass off and I just sat there, ashen-faced. Every time I even come close to telling him, I just get so scared. I am afraid of losing him. But I know that if I tell him, he will be disgusted by me both for having herpes and for hiding it from him for so long. He is such a great guy, but we have trust issues already - not because of anything I've done while with him, but because he was cheated on by several of his previous girlfriends and I also have a crazy sexual history which I told him about. It's been killing me, especially recently, that I am hiding this from him. I feel horrible. It is hard enough dealing with the stigma that comes with herpes.

[WCSDancer2010]

@bjburdette

 

First - welcome! This is the best place for support and understanding on the web....

 

But I'll be straight with you, support may not always come in the form that you want it to be.... so I'm giving a Tough Love alert here. What I say next is nothing personal and you can do what you will with my thoughts and input.

 

Two nights ago we were watching a new episode of "Family Guy" where Brian gives Stewie herpes and they both have massive sores. My boyfriend was laughing his ass off and I just sat there, ashen-faced.

 

WHY ON EARTH would you want to be with someone who is so callous and unempathetic??? The one thing that pretty much everyone on here will tell you, is that Herpes helps us to sort the assholes out of our lives. I know you don't want to hear that, but herpes is the best "Wingman" out there. I could be very, very wrong here, but I'm wondering if you are staying with him because you don't believe you are lovable enough with your past and having Herpes to be able to find anyone "better". So I'm asking you to be very, very brutally honest with yourself here and think about that.

 

Either way, you really do need to disclose to him your status. Th only good thing about his reaction to that show is that it could give you a good segue into the conversation. You could say something like "You know the other night when you made fun of Stewie when he got Herpes? Well, that really bothered me. I have something I need to tell you and I'm afraid it will make you angry but I know I have to be honest with you"... and then tell him. And BTW, there are TONS of successful disclosure stories on here that you can read and learn from and get ideas about what you would want to say.

 

AND

 

His reaction will reveal to you the kind of person he really is, deep down. If he gets ugly, while you may "deserve" some anger on his part (because really, it's not fair to him to not have the choice...most of us on here got H because noone gave us the choice AND they likely were doing like you ... avoiding sex during OB's, unaware that in between you may be shedding and can pass it on anyway) do NOT think for one minute that anything more than anger at the lie is ok. If he berates you for the way you got it, or berates you in ANY other way, that is about HIM and who HE is and not about you. You need to be very clear about that now...so that you are prepared for his reaction and that you don't take any nasty remarks personally.

 

What bothers me too is that he is always joking around about herpes and when talking about STDs he has actually said "If you'd told me on our first date that you had an STD, I would have just drove you back home and that would have been it."

 

That is a mans way of saying there are plenty more fish in the sea and he knows it honey. It's nasty and controlling and hurtful and unnecessary to say that once you are in a relationship. Yes, he has every right to not want to date anyone with an STD but not to talk in that manner.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. I hope you get the strength to tell him soon. You REALLY don't want him finding out the hard way...by finding a blister on him OR you ... and personally, just from what you've said, I'd tell him in a semi-public place, because I somehow don't think that his reaction will be pleasant and I want you to make sure you are SAFE above all else.

 

We'll be here for you though the process. You deserve someone who loves you with or without Herpes... not someone who is insensitive to people who have lost the crap shoot of love and sex. :(

 

I'm posting links to some successful disclosures for you (and I have TONS more if you need to read them) ... hopefully you will see from them both how to disclose AND how someone who is worthy of your love will react.

 

Peace :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2789/about-to-have-the-herpes-talk Empowered 74

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

[bjburdette]

Thank you so much for your detailed response - It really means a lot. I was looking all over for some kind of support and was really happy to come across this site.

 

Honestly, I don't think I'm with him because I think I can't get anyone else - I did that with my last relationship and it really sucked. HE at least knew I had herpes, though. This current guy is funny and makes me laugh (when he's not joking about STDs), he knows how to do just about anything, he is usually a gentleman (again, when he's not throwing around herpes jokes), and he's also amazing in the bedroom. I was even pretty hesitant to be in a relationship with him at first, but I ended up falling pretty hard.

 

I even said to him yesterday that I thought that Family Guy episode was rude and tasteless and his response was (jokingly) "probably because it hit home too hard." He noticed a pimple on his arm when we went over to our friends' house and said, "See, someone gave me herpes!" as he gestured to me. I'm not trying to bash him or anything....he really is a good person who goes out of his way for everyone, but he is a very black-and-white kind of guy who has no sympathy for most people. He thinks that if someone does something risky, they should just suffer the consequences.

 

I do love him, but I know that in the end, SOMETHING has to give. We get along really well most of the time, but I often find that we are not on the same page. Sometimes I feel like he isn't really taking my feelings into account like he was when we first started dated. I hate it when men will try uber hard before you're exclusive, and then basically stop trying once they have you. I would be willing to live with the small stuff - i.e. him being OCD, being sarcastic, not liking to take me out very often - but his sensitivity needs to change. I realise that YES, I did get this disease (still don't know who I got it from) by sleeping around a lot but that doesn't mean I am worth less than someone who doesn't have herpes. I like dating older people because they are more mature, experienced, etc....but sometimes he acts like he's 12. We have 26 years between us and sometimes I feel like I'm the older one.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sounds like he may be suspicious of you having herpes then...given all the jokes. Either way, it's not funny, it's uncalled for, tasteless and rude to talk to you like that.

 

but I often find that we are not on the same page.

 

Ya think?? And I hate to say it, but with the large age gap, it's not at all surprising. I'm 52 and I find most guys in their 30's to be on another planet much of the time :p

 

I hate it when men will try uber hard before you're exclusive, and then basically stop trying once they have you.

 

Well, #1, that can go both ways.... and #2, you teach people how to treat you. In my case (thanks to age and experience!) the first time he got mouthy with me about Herpes in front of someone he would have been warned he wouldn't get away with it the second time. Treat me with disrespect in front of others and I'm out.

 

And older men who are dating women that much younger are usually in mid-life crisis my dear.... they need a young woman like yourself to prove to them that they still "have it". Once they have you, well, they've proven their point....so of course they take their foot off the gas. I totally understand your reason for dating older guys (my ex was 10 yrs older and I had a BF who was 12 yrs older) but too much of a gap usually results in issues because you really are in two different places in your lives.

 

And don't let his reaction change your self worth. We all screw up ...and we do alot of it when we are young. It's how you learn and grow. And I'm willing to bet he's been no angel either ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Guest]

I agree with Dancer.

 

1. You absolutely need to disclose to him if you ever take your pants off again from this point forward.

 

2. Based on your description of him, and him being OCD, he will likely freak-out when you tell him and rightfully feel very, very deceived and betrayed. It may get very ugly at that point. I think disclosure with this guy will not end well. From a male's perspective, given the large age gap, perhaps he thought you were "virgin-like" because you were so young. Some guys think younger girls are "purer," or "cleaner," because a woman is younger and presumably has less mileage. However, since there is a 26 year age difference, he thinks he's "The Man," for having such a young girlfriend. So he may get with the program to try to keep you. But he may not since he had you as a trophy and now, in his world, you have a black-eye.

 

3. Plan of action. I recommend you learn everything you can about HSV2. If you really, really want to make things work with this guy long term, you need to have a plan of action that will work. Honesty is always the best policy, so your first option is to come clean. You're a kid and made a mistake by not disclosing, and you want to salvage things. To some degree, a man dating a 22 year old woman should expect the irresponsibility of a 22 year old woman (versus a 40 year old highly educated woman with a graduate degree), so he may concede he assumed the risk of your irresponsibility. However, at your age, the guy is old enough to be your father. There will be other guys, especially so since you have had a "crazy sexual history," you obviously know how to hook guys.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

However, at your age, the guy is old enough to be your father. There will be other guys, especially so since you have had a "crazy sexual history," you obviously know how to hook guys.

 

That was entirely uncalled for Unhappy1.

[bjburdette]

It's okay, Dancer, although his wording might have been a bit blunt. I don't take it personally.

 

I DO know how to hook guys. I'm a very sexual person. I get flirted with constantly, but nonetheless I still choose him and no one else. I realize that he's old enough to be my father, but we still manage to get along most of the time. I've just never had any connection to guys my age. I dated a 35-year old when I was 18 and an on-and-off again fling about a few years ago with a man who is now 60. I'm actually still very good friends with the 60-year old, and he was the one who introduced me to the guy I'm dating now. I know that it would be more REASONABLE to date a man closer to my age, but it's not what attracts me. Maybe one day I will meet a younger man who woos me...I'm open to possibilities.

 

Also: He in no way sees me as "pure" or even close to "virgin"...I told him before we first started dating that I've been with about 50 partners while he's only been with about 30. He still gets a bit queasy sometimes when he thinks of how many people I've been with. I think his logic in dating me is more that a younger woman is more attractive, less bitter about life, less judgmental, etc. He was married for 2 years to a woman who was his age and she was a complete nightmare (from what he has said, at least) and had an affair. He was divorced ten years ago. He now makes his money by buying and selling on EBay, since it opens up his schedule for taking care of his 88-year old father.... All things that a lot of women his age have looked down upon, but I've never judged him for.

[WCSDancer2010]

I've been with about 50 partners while he's only been with about 30. He still gets a bit queasy sometimes when he thinks of how many people I've been with.

 

Honey, if he's been with 30 partners, there's a REALLY good chance he has at least one of the HSV strains. So if he tests positive once you tell him, there's a good chance that he didn't get it from you...which might explain why he hasn't "caught" it from you already....

[WCSDancer2010]

And regarding my response to Unhappy1:

 

While YOU may have thick skin, many people on here are beating themselves up pretty badly as it is. We ask that people consider this when posting and not post things that may be seen as condescending, judgmental or hurtful. Straight talk is one thing and it can be done with love and empathy. Words have much more power than we realize and given that many on here are in a fragile and scared place, it's of the utmost importance that we think before we type ;)

 

Peace

[Guest]

Well, that is straight talk Dancer. There is nothing condescending or judgmental about it. The guy is old enough to be her father, I stated the obvious, and Burdette concedes that point.

 

This is something, again from a male perspective, which you don't have. Now, when older men date much younger women, there is usually an imbalance in the relationship; whether it's intellectual, emotional, financial or psychological. There is a reason why educated women universally find this scenario disturbing - it's because, in most situations, the woman is being manipulated. Now in this scenario, I can tell Burdette from experience, that the odds are very likely the man will not take this well, and will be very adverse when she discloses. The man likely feels that he is in control of Burdette, and when he finds out otherwise, I doubt it will be a pleasant reaction. Burdette is entitled to get a man's perspective on this situation.

 

On a side note, I will now stop sharing my perspective on this website and leave it to having the Oprah-theme you project. Hugs will cure any problem! I note, a while ago, a guy was on this website and mentioned how little support he found from men and for men; and that he felt like this was all about women. Well, you now have the answer to tell the next guy who asks that question.

[WCSDancer2010]

On a side note, I will now stop sharing my perspective on this website and leave it to having the Oprah-theme you project.

 

Wow... just...wow...

 

note, a while ago, a guy was on this website and mentioned how little support he found from men and for men; and that he felt like this was all about women. Well, you now have the answer to tell the next guy who asks that question.

 

Well, for one, you are belittling the women on here with your comments, not empowering them... I have yet to see you empower any of the men on here. We do have @HerrytheHerp who comes on and does a wonderful job of supporting both men AND women with love AND honesty in a way that is supportive and caring and doesn't come off as judgmental.

 

There's a way to dispense "Tough Love", and one of the things is that you have to be VERY careful in your words and how you use them. While I agree with your experience of the "Older man/younger woman" issue, the way your writing comes off is condescending and belittling and for many people (who come on here feeling their life is over) that kind of talk will just send them back into their closet and deeper into depression and self-loathing. It is especially important to think of how your words may fall when you are writing, because words can all too easily be mistaken as hurtful, judgmental, and insulting...there is a fine line between words and phrasing that empowers, uplifts, and gives hope and words that hurt, insult, and injure an already wounded person.

 

There are plenty of sites out there where people just tell everyone what they should do, where opinions and judgments fly, etc. This is the only one I have come across that EMPOWERS the readers ... and if you want to call that an Oprah-themed forum, well, I for one will take that as a compliment ;)

 

Peace

[bjburdette]

Hey, I posted on this website to get support. Not watch two people debate or politely insult one another.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@bj... I was actually trying to support you...sorry that the discussion took this turn....

[Amillionthings]

@bj ...you have support hun. Dont let this little blip deter you.it really is the best place to be with this....this is the first time ive seen anything like this ocvur and ive been looking on here for yonks! Look at some of the help and support @dancer has given me in some of my posts :) shes kind, empathetic, non-judgemental and is the best at tough love, when u need it. Shes here to help all she can and she'll help you for sure :) hope ur here to stay :) x

[Amillionthings]

And i hope u are feeling a bit better? X

[bjburdette]

@dancer I know you were, it's not your fault that someone decided to have an attitude.

 

@amillionthings Yeah, I'm feeling alright. I still haven't told him yet.... So hard to come up with the courage.

[Amillionthings]

I found myself in a similar situation. I was seeing someone....thouggt it was just a couple of week thing. ..tyrned into staying in touch...met up again....the anxiety and guilt ate away at me like disease... .i never ever felt so bad in my life....i was in complete denial i had it for years really....butthen i met sumone and i had to face it. I did it. I told him. But hed shownme he was mature patient etc before hand....i was shitting myself. But it was all fine. He accepted. I just braced myself for nothing but hoped the best. You just do what u feel is right. Its an awful feeling...and i completely dread ever having to do it again. Personally it causes me anxiety and worry for my future. I just dont want to deal with this shit...BUT if i can do it. Anyone can. The fear leading up to iy...was more difficult than the actual telling.that bit just made me upset and other emotions. It was a relief to just say it. You have courage...just need to be brave hun. Best of luck. Keep us updated and glad ur still here :) x

[WCSDancer2010]

@bj - perhaps these quotes will help you then ;)

 

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”

Patrick Overton

 

Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.

Maya Angelou

 

Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.

John Wayne

 

 

(((HUGS)))