I just found out I have herpes

[amber13]

Hi! So I am a 21 year old girl and just found out today that I have herpes. I feel like my life is over. I am absolutely devastated. I don't know who gave it to me, or even if they knew they had it. I'm trying not to get to angry at anyone else for it, for all I know I've given it to people without knowing. I can't think of any way to handle it without killing myself. The worst part is that I recently started talking to a guy a few weeks ago. I rarely like people as more than a friend or hookup, but I actually really care about him a lot. We've had unprotected sex once about a week ago. The only reason I got checked in the first place is because he made a point of saying he was clean. He is a cage fighter in the MMA and had just gotten checked the week before. I told him the truth, that I'd never been tested because I'd never had a reason to. He said he was sure I was fine. I thought it would be best to check for sure though. So last week (we had sex Monday, I got tested last Friday) I got tested. I didn't tell him I was I was just doing it to be sure. I found out today that I don't have Gonorrhea or Chlamydia, but do have Herpes. I honestly wouldn't have cared about those other ones, those can actually be cured. This I will have for life. I would've rather found out I was pregnant or had cancer. Now I don't know what to do. I am hanging out with him this Friday and I'm not sure if I should see him anyways but make up an excuse for not having sex, just have sex and hope for the best, or just give up and decide to never see him again with no explanation. I absolutely hate myself. I wish I'd never found out in the first place. I'd rather not know and be happy. I feel like if I tell him he's going to hate me for forever, and I won't blame him, even though I didn't know I had it. And because he's an MMA fighter idk if he's able to fight with it. I've looked it up and it seems as though it should be fine. But still. And not to be crude but I have never liked sex before, and with him I actually do. And now, right when I actually realize it can be fun I found out I can never do it again and no one will ever love me again. I feel like I can't tell my friends or anyone. I can't make out with anyone cause I'm not sure how it spreads. Also, idk how to know if I'm having an outbreak. For the past few years I've noticed a few white bumps near my clit area (sorry if that's inappropriate) but they've never changed or gone away. When I got tested last week my doctor asked if she should look at it. I told her where I thought I saw stuff and she assured me the whole area was "pristine." So I guess that's nothing? Will I know if I'm getting an outbreak?

 

Sorry, I realize this is an extremely long post. I just don't know what to do. I keep going back and forth. At first I thought it was like the worst thing ever, but then I found out and read that you may never have outbreaks and outbreaks for a lot of people are so mild you don't even notice them. But I feel like no one will ever realize that because of the stigma. Up until yesterday I thought it was gross and that when people had it it was like the horrible pictures they show you in health class in high school. I explained it to my brother and at first he panicked but by the end of it was like that doesn't sound that bad I'm sure a lot of people would still date you. But I just feel like dying.

 

Sorry to bombard people on my first post, I just would love to have some feedback, either on my questions about what to do about this new guy or how to know I'm having an outbreak or even just to know other people have this. Thanks so much to anyone who even reads this :) I appreciate any help I can get :):)

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey Amber,

 

Alright, take a deep breath. You're just fine. Still breathing? Good. See, even after a herpes diagnosis life goes on. Believe me when I say we all wish it would have been something else, but it is what it is, and what it is ain't that bad in the long run.

 

Now, you've got some talking to do with your beau. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. You need to read through everything on this site and get educated on herpes, transmission, stats. etc. Why? Because that's going to put your fears to rest that your life is over. Once you've done that, you can talk with your boyfriend.

 

First, he probably wasn't tested for herpes. It's not on the standard panel unless requested, even for MMA. Next, not every sex act results in transmission. For your situation, probably less than a 4% chance per act if you're not having an OB at the time. So, make sure you include that in the conversation.

 

Bottom line: we're here for you. Keep your questions and concerns coming. It's a great community and you're in the right spot to get some help.

[ClementineK]

Hi Amber,

 

I know sometimes it can feel like your sex life is over, but it's really, really not. Like you said, the condition is really not that big of a deal. I would recommend you read the disclosure handout- it give stats for transmission broken down by men and women, and what sorts of protection you're using (unprotected, with condoms, suppressive meds, etc.) and is super helpful for arming yourself for the conversation you need to have.

 

In my experience, the dread of having the conversation is much worse than actually having it, and I've been pleasantly surprised by the reactions I've had. I thought men would run from me the second that I told them, but that hasn't been the case.

 

I'm guessing from your post that haven't ever had an outbreak. I have somewhat small bumps like you're describing on my labia and they're completely normal. The two outbreaks that I've had were pretty painful, so I definitely knew what was happening. Some people can have very mild outbreaks, but if your doctor looked at them and said it was fine, it probably is.

 

Do you know what type you have (HSV1 or HSV2)? That can make a big difference. If you were blood tested and came up positive for HSV1 my understanding is that that result cannot tell you if you're infected orally or genitally (somebody please correct me if I'm wrong.) HSV2, however, would almost certainly point to a genital infection.

[amber13]

Thanks so much both of you! Clementine you're probably right that I've never had an outbreak. I'm not sure what type it was, I feel like the doctor said 1 but I honestly was trying to get off the phone quickly before I started crying. I agree hopefully my sex life is not over, probably any kind of casual sexual relationship, but I can live with that.

 

The issue is that he's not my boyfriend, we've been talking for a few weeks and like each other but we haven't had that talk yet. And the fact we've already had sex worries me, at least if we hadn't I could tell him the situation and he could decide if he wanted to keep talking or to end things without also having to worry that he had already contracted something.

 

Yea, I am not sure what STD's he's been tested for. Considering that he has been with a lot more people than me I would assume if he hadn't been tested he may have already had it, but again I'm not sure.

 

I have no idea how to tell him. I wish all people knew the truth about it, because I feel like many people (including me up until recently) wrongly assume that it's a horrible infection that's extremely obvious and means your life is over. I know the grown up thing is to tell him in person, but I feel like I will start crying and make things worse. But I'm not sure how I would even attempt to send a text that was appropriate.

 

Also, not to rant, but I am not sure who I got it from. It could have been a number of people. But the past 6 months up until about a month ago I had been having sex with a guy I worked with in a strictly casual way. I am not sure that he gave it to me, but we had been having unprotected sex for about 6 months, and besides him almost every guy I had been with had been a once or twice type situation. And after the first time we had sex he told me how many people he'd been with. It was about 5 times larger than mine (and mine isn't particularly small). I felt like I should ask him how he knew he didn't have anything but I figured it was rude to ask and I naively assumed that since we worked together he wouldn't knowingly give me something. Even though our fling is over, I suspect he was the one who gave me it. But seeing as we still work together I don't particularly want to bring it up to him. Suggestions?

Again thanks so much to both of you for helping, honestly your comments really meant a lot and made me feel much better :)

ps. one last question, now that I have herpes but no outbreaks, should I try to only be with others who have similar lack of symptoms? aka can it get worse if I have sex with someone with worse symptoms than me?

again, thanks for everything :)

[justagal85]

Hi @amber13

 

I'm just like you, I just found out I have it but I've never had an outbreak. Don't worry, things will get better. The right person will accept you just as you are. When I found out and told my fiancé I was sure he would be horrified. He told me that he knows 1 out of 4 or 5 women has it and he wouldn't give me up for a stigmatized skin condition. If someone can't deal with a skin condition, then what happens if you lose a limb? that's how I think about it.

 

In a way, I found that I should look on the bright side of the situation. Knowledge is power. If you get an OB, you can be calm and deal with it immediately, because you'll know what is going on. Can you imagine people who get the OB and don't know what the heck to do?

 

I've been H+ for more than 6 years and never even knew. My partner is H- and I'm still shocked at HOW the heck that is possible.... but, it is. I've read that the same thing has happen with semi discordant couples with HIV and such, so I guess I shouldn't be shocked

 

Well.. thanks for sharing your story with us, hope the disclosure to your beau goes well.

 

-Justagal

[ClementineK]

Hey Amber,

 

Well, I don't want to give you false hope here (and more experienced commenters PLEASE jump in if this is wrong). But if you don't have outbreaks and you tested positive for HSV1, then you might not have genital herpes at all. HSV1 prefers the oral area, but can infect the genitals. In that case, that means that you have much less to be worried about regarding sexual contact (although oral sex would still present a small risk.) 80% of people have antibodies for HSV1, so again, you might not need to worry so much. I think you should call your doctor to clarify.

 

I haven't read it, but there is an e-book available for free on this website for disclosures, and I think it would probably be a good thing to prepare you for your talk. Again, I think the content of your discussion probably depends on which type you have.

 

And don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out who gave it to you. I'm fairly certain that I know who gave it to me, but it could have been any number of guys. At this point, it doesn't matter, especially because someone could have transmitted it without knowing (just as it's possible you might have). It's not really worth being angry over or pointing fingers at people. Sometimes you just get dealt a bad hand, but you have to just keep on keeping on :)

[Sparklepony]

Hi Amber-

 

Welcome! You've found a wonderful place for support. Stick around!

 

I know in some ways how you're feeling, it think all of us here do. The initial devastation, the guilt, the anger. All of it is very much a normal part of the process to accepting it. Take the time you need to grieve but then take the time to come to terms with it and remember to be kind to yourself in the process. I know you said you would rather it be a pregnancy or cancer... trust me, you don't. Part of the stigma with herpes is that it lasts forever. Though it is forever, it's also fairly easy to manage if you know your body. As hard as it is to look at things this way, eventually you should try and treat this situation as a way to better your life. For example, I was (and slightly still am but working on it) a caffeine addict, stress was my hobby, and 5 hours of sleep was a good night for me but I've decided I will use this as a way to take better care of myself. It's the push I finally needed to get my shit together.

 

Typically there is an initial outbreak anywhere from 2 days to about a week after first "catching" herpes. While some people do carry around the virus for months, even years, without symptoms most don't. Some people are lucky (sarcasm) and have horrid initial outbreaks (flu like symptoms, dizziness, sores, etc) and others have a outbreak so mild it could pass as heat rash or razor burn. Either way, most people do have some form of an initial outbreak. Fun fact, women typically have the more severe outbreaks due to all the great areas the virus can thrive in. You mentioned that you haven't had an outbreak, did you get a blood test? I may be mistaken here but I don't think they can tell you which type you have without an outbreak. Regardless, educate yourself on both types and keep a watch out for symptoms.

 

Regardless of if your manfriend gave it to you or not, you should still tell him that you recently found out. Holding it in will only make you feel worse. I fought with myself over telling the guy who gave it to me but I couldn't stand the thought of him just not knowing and passing it on to someone else. Most of us are in this boat because of that reason. I also hit panic mode thinking I could have been the giver. Despite he and I not seeing eye to eye on where we were headed, I cared about him enough to tell him incase I did indeed potentially pass it to him. I informed him and turns out he was never tested for it while he was in the military (they only do the standard STD tests) and within two weeks he was tested and got a call from his doctor informing that he was indeed H+. Lets say you and your man decide to continue to date, when would you tell him? 6 months? a year? Right now is the best time, even though it's hard. You will actually feel better about yourself regardless of the outcome of the conversation. I felt a lot better about the situation, a huge sigh of relief like feeling, after I told my giver that I was recently diagnosed and he should get tested as well. After the conversation was over it really didn't seem that bad either. I figured if I could get naked with this guy and sleep with him, then I should be able to have this kind of a conversation with him as well.

 

Just breath. Despite how you're feeling now, things will pass and you will heal. It's going to be okay, promise.

[WCSDancer2010]

@amber13

 

So here's the deal: You say you *think* the Dr said HSV1. You need to call and confirm that. Why? Because odds are if that is what you have, you are in good company - 80% of the population has Oral Herpes (ie, cold sores). AND, 80% of them don't know they have it. So I personally would hold off telling your guy before you get that clarified.

 

Now, the blood test can't tell you WHERE you have it but the odds are it's oral as 60% of all young people have Oral herpes by the time they are your age. And don't even try to figure out where you got it ... it could be from your bud in Kindergarten, you Aunt Matilda when she kissed you goodbye one day, or from making out with some hot guy. Although if your parents could tell you if they or others in the family had cold sores, that would up the odds you got it from them. BTW, I got HSV1 oral at the age of 3... got the pictures to prove it :(

 

@ClementineK said

 

"Well, I don't want to give you false hope here (and more experienced commenters PLEASE jump in if this is wrong). But if you don't have outbreaks and you tested positive for HSV1, then you might not have genital herpes at all. HSV1 prefers the oral area, but can infect the genitals. In that case, that means that you have much less to be worried about regarding sexual contact (although oral sex would still present a small risk.) 80% of people have antibodies for HSV1, so again, you might not need to worry so much. I think you should call your doctor to clarify. "

 

I do want to clarify... if you come to the conclusion that you most likely have Oral Herpes, then you DO need to be more careful with Oral sex - 50% of the new cases of Genital Herpes are HSV1 from Oral sex.

 

And regarding your guy - I doubt the MMA tests him for Herpes... most STD tests con't include Herpes ... they would be more concerned with HIV and Hep C as they are blood born pathogens...tho they *may* test for it as wrestlers and the like sometimes get H on their skin because the virus gets in through knicks and cuts. But you may want to ask him if he has been specifically tested for Hsv1.... given that 80% of the population has it, the odds are with you that he is already carrying it.

 

I'm going to put a bunch of links for you to look up - a couple for the Handouts, some disclosure links, and one of Adrial talking about when to disclose.

 

So get on that phone in the AM and talk to your Dr and ask which one you have, That will determine how you disclose to him....

 

Oh - and regarding this comment: I would've rather found out I was pregnant or had cancer.

 

I added a link below that may help to put that into perspective for you ... but suffice it to say, as someone who has lived with H for most of her life (H1 at 3, H2 from my first sexual experience at 17) you have to believe me...whatever type you have and however you got it, H is absolutely not 1/10th as bad as you are making it out to be...promise.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts:

http://bit.lyh-opp-diagnosis-handout/

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2366/id-rather-have-cancer

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

 

[amber13]

To everyone: Thanks so much for all your comments! I appreciate it a lot and it means a lot to know other people are out there who have gone through the same things. The support is helping a lot and I already feel much better about the whole thing :) Also, I called and it is HSV1, not 2, if that makes a difference. I guess that means it's oral? But could become both? Does anyone know if you have outbreaks orally as well, or if it transfers will you have noticeable outbreaks down there even if you never had noticeable oral herpes? Or will both types be as mild as the oral?

 

@justagal85 - I'm glad things went so well with your fiance! And it's nice to know people can be so accepting of it. That is crazy he doesn't have it but it gives me hope :) Not to be rude, but do you know what kind you have? Maybe that makes a difference and that's why he hasn't gotten it? (If that's rude I'm sorry please don't feel like you have to answer)

 

@ClementineK - Thank you so much for your comments :) Don't worry, I am not mad at whoever gave it to me. Although I assume the guy I work with gave it to me like you said it could have been a number of people. It could have happened years ago and I could have been giving it to people, I certainly hope not, but it is a possibility. I don't think the guy I work with would have knowingly given me anything. I haven't been very careful for so long now it's tough to say at what point I got it.

 

@Sparklepony - I'm glad you were able to deal with your stress better as a result :) You're right, it's better to tell him now and get it over with. If the roles were reversed I'd rather be told now than have them wait. I was a lot more panicked at first because I thought, oh God, I may have just ruined this guys entire career in one night. But it's good to know that isn't the case. I'm glad when you had this conversation it went well :)

 

@WCSDancer2010 - Thanks for all your help! (Side note, I had been looking over the forum before I posted a bit and noticed your name come up a lot. I was hoping you would comment on mine cause you seem to have really helpful comments, so I'm glad you did! lol) It is HSV1 as it turns out. And you're right, I forgot that it could come from kissing, and that means there's hundreds of other people that could've given it to me that I hadn't even considered.

As for the guy, I hadn't considered that he may have not been tested for it. He probably hasn't. So hopefully if he does have it it wasn't necessarily me who gave it to him, although it seems unlikely he wouldn't blame me directly. Also, would it be terrible to tell him over text? I know the grownup thing to do would be to tell him in person. But I feel like if I tried I would either chicken out and not do it, start crying and not be able to explain well and make it seem worse than it is, or he would kick me out before I was really able to explain it.

 

 

Again thanks to all of you for your help! It means more than you know.

[WCSDancer2010]

I guess that means it's oral? But could become both? Does anyone know if you have outbreaks orally as well, or if it transfers will you have noticeable outbreaks down there even if you never had noticeable oral herpes? Or will both types be as mild as the oral?

 

Given that it sounds like you have never had any OB's, and its HSV1, the odds are in your favor that it's Oral... can you ask your parents if you ever had a coldsore as a child... if so, that is you answer. And if any other family members had it that ups the chances that you got it as a child. Just try to be aware of anything happening down below ... if you ever get a blister, get it swabbed (by an OBGYN or Planned Parenthood please...Family Dr's often are not up to date with the latest info and testing). And wherever you have it, it's unlikely (tho not impossible) that you won't get it in the other area. Once you have the antibodies for HSV1, wherever you get it, that means your body will fight it off better if you get exposed elsewhere.

 

Also, would it be terrible to tell him over text? I know the grownup thing to do would be to tell him in person. But I feel like if I tried I would either chicken out and not do it, start crying and not be able to explain well and make it seem worse than it is, or he would kick me out before I was really able to explain it.

 

Honey, don't do it by text - the written word is FAR worse than in person. It's likely you won't convey what is going on at all well in a text. AND if we assume you have Oral HSV1, you are in the Popular Peoples' club along with 80% of the population...the really, really good news is, now you know, you will be more careful in BOTH areas (because you will be more aware of changes down below). 80% of those who have HSV1 don't know they have it (just like you) and they give oral sex and don't realize that they could pass it on. It doens't mean you can't give Oral - just either use a condom or be very, VERY aware of any bumps, cuts, etc (like the ones you get on the corner of your mouth) and definitely don't perform Oral if you have ANY reason to think you may be shedding (which is what happens with an OB - Outbreaks are basically shedding on steroids.... you are shedding so much that the blisters form where the battle is going on).

 

And really, would you want that info by text??? I doubt it. Seeing the person telling you would help you to see how much they care for you and are concerned for your health.

 

Print out the handouts and have them with you. Tell him to come on here if he needs more info. My personal opinion is that in a way, *WE* H+ people are safer to be with because we KNOW we have it... so we can take precautions to try to ensure they don't get it. The 80% of those who are undiagnosed are the ones he needs to be concerned about ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[amber13]

@WCSDancer2010 I know I had a cold sore once as a child. And an ex that I was back and forth with the past 4 years I remember once that she had a cold sore on her lip and we never thought anything of it. So you're probably right then and it is oral. So does that mean I've never had an outbreak? Or I did once as a child?

In regards to oral sex, would I just need to make sure my mouth seemed normal first? Can you tell if you're having an outbreak on your mouth? Other people had commented that they were able to tell easily when they were having a genital outbreak because it was painful and noticeable, is that not the case for your mouth?

You're right, I should tell him in person. I'm just nervous, this is also unfortunate because in the past I always thought making out was the safe option compared to sex, I guess not though. So I guess in the future I need to tell people about this before we even make out?

And since I have given oral sex to other people in the past and they've given it to me and we've kissed and things after that, does that mean like you said it's unlikely it will move down there seeing as it's had so many opportunities in the past and hasn't?

Sorry I know I keep bombarding you with questions, I really appreciate the help :)

[WCSDancer2010]

The cold sore IS an outbreak ... so there is your answer ;)

 

Regarding oral - again, read the handouts. The better you understand them the better you can explain it to others...and have it with you when you disclose

 

Handouts:

http://bit.lyh-opp-diagnosis-handout/

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

You can be asymptomatically shedding (ie, no symptoms) 9-18% of the time ... so just because you are not having an Ob doesn't mean you are safe. That is why 50% of the new genital cases of HSV are oral nowadays... people think it's a safe alternative to sex with regards to STD's (although at least you cant get pregnant doing it!). However, I wouldn't doubt that at least *some* had what they thought was a cut or chapped lip that was a minor OB... so definitely don't play if you have anything open on your lip. And if you REALLY like oral play, you *may* want to go on supressive meds. I'm on the fence about that.... so talk to your Dr AND your guy about it.... (maybe go in together to ask the Dr/PParenthood what they recommend).... one part of me says if you are going to perform oral and you have HSV1oral then take the meds, because I know too many on here who have got genital H from Oral. The other side says, be very, very careful as long as your partner is ok with the limited risk. That part you will have to work out between yourself and your partner....

 

And since I have given oral sex to other people in the past and they've given it to me and we've kissed and things after that, does that mean like you said it's unlikely it will move down there seeing as it's had so many opportunities in the past and hasn't?

 

Simple answer:

 

Odds are you will not get H1 from oral sex in your genitals because you have it.

 

Any partners who already get/had cold sores likely won't get it from you from Oral

 

You still need to make sure your partner has been tested for HSV2 because you can still get that from genital sex from any carrier.

 

If your partner is H- for both you will need to proceed with caution with Oral sex on them... ie, you need to inform them (including telling them they likely have already been exposed plenty of times if they are sexually active and under the belief that Oral Sex is "safe") that there is a slight risk (4% or less for males) that they will get it.

 

Peace

[amber13]

Okay thanks so much! This helps a lot :)

So basically it is unlikely that I will get it in my genitals, but I could give it to someone elses genitals, however, if they already have type 1 also they will most likely not get it there. So if it transfers from my mouth to someones genitals would it be the same mild case in have in my mouth, or because now its genital would that make a difference?

[WCSDancer2010]

So if it transfers from my mouth to someones genitals would it be the same mild case in have in my mouth, or because now its genital would that make a difference?

 

If you give it to someone there is no telling how "bad" their symptoms will be... many people on here who are having some tough outbreaks got it from someone who had no idea they had it. The only "good" thing is that the HSV1 genital *usually* will settle down a lot faster than HSV2 genital and have fewer OB's ... and it sheds less.

 

Every person has a different experience with H... there are "symptoms" that the CDC and doctors quote but there is no telling who will get which ones and how bad and for how long.