Need help,

[sprantil]

Hello,I'm 20 years old and live in San Diego, CA. I have been living with herpes for the past year and a half. In December 2012, my ex-boyfriend knowingly passed the virus to me. When I confronted him, he convinced me it was hot tub rash (he played the nice guy very well, gifted con-artist).

 

Later on, I broke up with him after I found out he cheated on me during our entire relationship. It wasn't until September 2013 that I got my second outbreak. i was concerned so I went to get tested. That's when i found out. I was completely devastated. I felt so betrayed, angry, upset, and felt so much hatred (and still do) for my ex boyfriend. I feel like he ruined my life and I didn't ask for this to happen.

 

I slowly coped with it, especially when doctors tell me that my strain is very mild and that it's not a big deal. I even told guys about it and they were ok with it. It is until I told this other guy about it. He was sympathetic and said he felt bad for me but he said that I should have told him before we made out. I told him that it's extremely rare to get hsv-2 orally but he said "well, surviving a hellicopter crash is rare but here I am". I said that I don't need to be judged. He said that he said he wasn't judging me and that I needed to calm down. He said the only person he's judging is my ex. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it and that i was going to cry. He later texted me saying that he wishes he could give me a hug. He also says he appreciates me telling him and that I'm the nicest person ever that doesn't deserve this

 

The next day we talked a little. Then he texted me wondering if I was ok. I said a little bit. Then he sent me a picture of myself and said you're very pretty.

 

I'm not sure if he feels bad or what. At the same time, maybe he's being manipulative. I admit, I'm kind of a "man-hater". I don't really trust men and believe most of them to be narcissistic assholes. I'm quite surprised so many of them are ok with herpes. I just want to ultimately know, how often does rejection happen? Is it possible to have a normal dating life with herpes? Are most people generally understanding? Do I need to go on a herpes dating site for the rest of my life? Another thing I'm confused on is if doctors say it's possible to have children in the future, how is that possible if you pretty much can't have unprotected sex again.

 

One more thing, I have asked the doctors to be on suppression therapy. How much exactly is my shredding? I'm reading everywhere without medication it's either 5%, 20-30%, and many other crazy numbers.

 

Thank you :)

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Sophie,

 

Welcome to the club! You've just joined a not so exclusive (There's 500 million of us worldwide) who have to live with a positive status for the rest of our lives. I would love to tell you there are door prizes, sing-alongs, and cookies and ice cream, but the reality is our budgets are a little tight. However, you are free to sing and dance, and consume as many cookies, and as much ice cream as you want to help you get through this.

 

Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a real peach. Like, the kind of guy I'd like to meet in a dark alley with a group of Hell's Angels there to discuss things with him. I know it's no consolation, but my ex/first love cheated on me. We've started talking again after 17 years; you know what? That pain never fully goes away and it's going to stay with you. However, you can choose how you deal with that hurt. You can hold onto the anger, or, you can drop it like a lead weight. I'll tell you which one feels better, but I think you've already figured that out. It's not easy to let it go, but that anger, those emotions, they'll just drag you down and you have so much life to live.

 

You hate men? Well, not all of us are narcissistic assholes. Sure, I might hog the remote, I'm not a big fan of shopping, and I do have a tendency to snag the covers. but I wouldn't say I'm an asshole. Try not to judge us all by the actions of one li'l dick. There are a lot of great guys out there looking for a lot of great gals.

 

Your feelings about the diagnosis are absolutely valid, and believe me when I say a lot of us have felt that way. Heck, almost all of us went through those same feelings and the exact same process you are going through. It's part of the healing. Embrace it, think things through, and when you get to the other end of that tunnel, trust me, it's a beautiful light you'll enjoy basking in.

 

Are a lot of guys ok with herpes? Sure. There's also a lot of women that are ok with it. Is it something anyone wants? Nope. Is it normal? Yep. Use it to help you weed out the immature guys who just want to have sex with you; look for the guy who wants to make love to you, and herpes isn't going to be a dealbreaker. You're not a leper, you don't have to stick to herpes dating sites, and yes, you will find love, a lasting, true, genuine love where this li'l virus ranks somewhere below "I don't like the color you want to paint the bedroom."

 

As far as having kids, oh, you can have kids. You might need to take precautions with the delivery, but other than that, you can have unprotected sex with your partner at that point. Will there be a risk of him contracting HSV2? Sure. But, at that point you're talking about sharing another permanent, lifelong product of sex that is guaranteed to cost you more sleep than herpes...children.

 

Shedding is difficult to pin down. It varies for all of us, even when we're on medication. It can be as low as 1% or somewhere around 20%. That's one of the reasons the virus is so hard to stop from spreading. But, with condoms, avoiding sex during prodomes/outbreaks, and taking suppressive, you can lower the risk to your partner to somewhere around 2%, which, is roughly the same risk you're running of absolutely detesting your future mother-in-law.

 

[VirusEnhanced]

Another gifted post by Herry. Anger leads to the dark-side... I don't expect you to forget nor forgive but don't empower that person by holding onto that anger. Live long live happy and do the things you enjoy. This is just one of life trials.

 

Live long and prosper.

[WCSDancer2010]

@sprantil

 

First - Hello and Welcome. So glad you found us!

 

"Forum Mom" here ... speaking from the female end of the spectrum (I LOVE it tho that we are getting more guys on here to give their POV!)

 

So - small dose of "Tough Love". The guy is right. You should have told him before you had Oral Sex (even tho you are quite correct that the possibility of getting H2 orally is slim to none). I don't blame him for being upset. I for one demand honesty and transparency in my relationships ... because even a "little white lie" or a "lie by omission" is a LIE ... and it makes me wonder what else the person is withholding from me. The fact that he is checking in on you and asking how you are tells me he's a decent guy. I'd give him a shot..... sounds like he really likes you .... even with that little white lie..... ;)

 

I'm not sure if he feels bad or what. At the same time, maybe he's being manipulative. I admit, I'm kind of a "man-hater". I don't really trust men and believe most of them to be narcissistic assholes. I'm quite surprised so many of them are ok with herpes. I just want to ultimately know, how often does rejection happen? Is it possible to have a normal dating life with herpes? Are most people generally understanding? Do I need to go on a herpes dating site for the rest of my life? Another thing I'm confused on is if doctors say it's possible to have children in the future, how is that possible if you pretty much can't have unprotected sex again.

 

I doubt very much he's being manipulative. I get it, you've been lied to an manipulated so now you believe all men are like that. And I promise you, they are not AND Herpes can act as your Wingman because it forces us to slow things down and once you disclose, it forces them to be honest with themselves about whether you mean enough to them to consider whether they are ok with the risk of getting it.....and even then, it can be a deal-breaker for some ... if they are obsessed with their body, germ-phobic, or very poorly educated about it for instance, even a "good man" may CHOOSE to walk away .... AND, it has NOTHING to do with you or your Herpes .... it's just a deal breaker for them.

 

Surprised so many are ok with it? Well, maybe they just realize that half their friends have it. Or they think that you can't pass it if you are not having an OB and when you educate them they appreciate your honesty enough to say it's not a deal breaker. OR ... they really, truly see that you are such a beautiful person to them that it's not going to stop them from seeing where things can go with you. You need to learn to love yourself enough that you can believe that someone will love this "imperfect you" ... and believe me honey, the older we get, the more imperfections we have ;)

 

Can you have a normal dating life? Hell yes! In fact, it can be better ... I'll post my "Wingman" blog and a bunch of successful disclosure links for you so you can get an idea about the upside of dating with Herpes (and YES, there IS an upside!). I am on POF and OKC ... I have completely disclosed on my profiles there and I have PLENTY of men making inquiries (many are well out of my age preferences ...what the hell is it with a 20 yr old guy contacting 52 yr old me...??? LOL) and many are just not what I am looking for. Many have praised my honesty and integrity. A couple have asked for education/information. And every one of them has had as least *some* of the qualities I want in a man. I am just starting to see a man who lives an hr away from me. He's made it clear to me that he is not worried about the Herpes because I put it right out there... we have been on 3 dates and last one I helped him to understand it more. And you know what he wrote me in a text later? That my talking about how to protect him in intimacy made him want me even more. THAT is the kind of man I want in my life ... ;)

 

Having children/unprotected sex? Yes and Yes. I have had 2 daughters - first by Cesarean (because the ignorant Dr scared me into it... it was 28 yrs ago with no internet to do my own research) and the second naturally because I switched Dr's. Nowadays they put you on the anti-viral for the last month to help you keep from having an OB. Unprotected sex? Post divorce I have dated 2 guys for 3 yrs each - one didn't worry about me going on antivirals, the other was concerned about getting it so I went on them but didn't use condoms with either and neither got it from me. The choice to take anti-virals and use condoms is something for you and your partner to agree on.

 

Bottom line, yes, you can have a "normal" dating and sex life. But first you gotta get rid of that anger... because it's only poisoning YOU... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2921/met-a-new-guy-and-have-a-few-concerns-not-ready-to-tell-him-i-have-herpes- inspired 32

[myfiercecalm]

Hey there socal, welcome to the forum. First, I want to second everything that was said before above. What follows are some things that have helped me. I hope they can help you too.

 

If you haven't yet, please click play on the Herpes facts video WCS posted above. I promise it will make you feel better. I just found out I have HSV2 a few weeks ago and have progressed from semi-suicidal thoughts to realizing a newfound joy and gratefulness for life and all my blessings. That didn't happen by accident. I did what you are doing, forced myself to reach out to the real experts, the people who have lived with it for years. There is a lot of scary, false info out there on the Internet. This site has been the best resource I've found by far, and the people here are very helpful and supportive. I'd like to shake all their hands and buy them a drink for everything they do on here. I also went to a local hpv/hsv support group this week and made some "Herpes buddies". I'm sure you have them in San Diego too. I was scared to do that at first, but I realized that by putting my face out there with the condition, it would ultimately empower me. Now I have a good friend I can call anytime about it, and she can do the same with me. So know that you have many options and your sex life is not over, it is only beginning anew. The only thing that changed is a beautiful woman from San Diego is now a beautiful woman with more knowledge and experience than she had before. And since you happen to live in greatest city in the world, I recommend early morning or twilight surfing at Dog Beach. 3 remedies in 1 for the soul. Puppies, the ocean, and sick waves.

[sprantil]

@WSCDancer2010 we didn't have oral sex. it was kissing

[sprantil]

@WSCDancer2010 also thank you so much for your comment :) it really helped me. also one more thing, will rejection be a lot?? I'm just afraid. alot of people tell me if a guy really likes you it won't matter. It just sucks because this isn't even my fault. I feel like my life isn't the same anymore and that I'll get plenty of rejection. Also no matter what, that I'll always pass the virus

[sprantil]

@WSCDancer2010 also another thing, If I'm going to deal with lots of rejection, how exactly is my dating life going to be better?

[whymegirl]

Hi! This was me a month+ ago. I made a post in the disclosing section the other day that you should take a look at.

You never know how often rejection should happen. But its always a possibility. I got rejected the first time I disclosed only to find this amazing guy a week later who after doing some researxh and talking about it... decided it was no big deal and was willing to work around it.

And the unprotected sex thing.. after having the discussion about being clean of everything else.. and me being on birth control and valtrex. We only have unprotected sex. So its not an end to that!

Its shitty and totally nerve racking but just find a way of telling that works for you. And a time in the relationship that you feel is the right time. This time I had him meet my family and really get to know the type of person I am and the family I come from so its not like the H title defines me at all.. its just an unfortunate thing that can happen to anyone. Which was actually my moms idea. I had told her after the guy a week before had rejected me and I was sobbing in the kitchen. And now looking back im so happy I could weed that last guy out quickly.

 

You will find someone who is more than happy to look past it because youre too amazing to give up the chance over something as little as H. Im sorry if you get rejection along the way. But it will be worth it once you also weed those ones out. Just think about what you would want to be told if you were in the other position.. and I think I practiced it like 100 times.

[WCSDancer2010]

@sprantil

 

Sorry - I assumed you had oral sex because you said you told him it's very rare for H2 to go oral - if you were only making out that comment is irrelevant because you won't have H2 oral yourself and whichever one you have genitally won't get passed by kissing because its located in your GENITALS ... it resides in the local nerve ganglion so it's not passed by blood/fluids.

 

Hereis @whymegirl's post

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3305/got-rejected-only-to-find-the-most-amazing-guy-right-after

 

And as for the BIG R word - Rejection ...

 

*Sigh*

 

Honey, you will get rejected for many many things in your life.... not just love, but jobs, or sales (if you are in sales .... you have to get very comfortable with the word NO), your cooking, whatever. Get used to it. One of the best pieces of advice I was given once was by a friend who had been a salesman (as I work for an Energy Supply company helping people save money on their energy bills). He told me the mantra "Every No is One Step Closer to a Yes". To learn to EMBRACE the "No's" ... they are a BLESSING to you because they open the way to the YES. (See Whymegirls post for proof and my Wingman blog that I posted above for clarity)

 

So I'm going to post a few more links for you about rejection ... understanding it will help you to learn to live with it ... but realize that "rejection" is part of life. AND, we have a primitive reaction to it that served us when we needed to group together to keep from getting eaten by a Saber Toothed tiger but it now is used by groups to pressure people to stay (certain religious groups, gangs, and families come to mind) and it's the reason so many stay in toxic relationships .. because the other person manipulates the victim into believing that noone else will want them.

 

Rejection

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Once you learn to love YOURSELF, rejection will not have the hold on you that it does now. For me, yes, rejection still stings (our primitive inner brain will try to get us to go back to reactive behaviors whenever possible) BUT, I can very quickly realize that there are tons of other fish in the sea and each "relationship" (from one date wonders to LTR's) is teaching me something about myself and what *I* want. I've learned to allow myself a damn good cry then I clean up the make-up and get out with friends and live life.

 

It just sucks because this isn't even my fault. I feel like my life isn't the same anymore and that I'll get plenty of rejection. Also no matter what, that I'll always pass the virus

 

No it's not your fault. There are many people who are quadriplegics due to accidents that were not their fault. There are many people with Cancer who did nothing to "deserve" it. Life isn't fair. Get used to it.... If you are going to live life, you have to assume there will be a risk every time you wake up. Sex assumes risk of STD's and unwanted Pregnancy .... until you are in a long term monogamous relationship, you run the risk of both (at least until you are menopausal ;) ) This is just your first lesson as an adult that life can throw you curve-balls and you have to learn to adapt as you go along. ;)

 

You will always pass it on??? Oh HELL NO! That's what we use anti-virals and condoms for. And we learn to monitor our bodies.. AND there are people who have done none of the above and been married for 20+ years and never passed it on.

 

The best thing I can say to you right now is to read eveything you can on here (did you read the links I sent you already??? If not, do it... you need to get a reality check from people who have lived with it a bit longer than you ;) ) YOur life is FAR from over and this will just be a speed bump for you when you look in the rear view mirror down the road.

 

 

Be gentle with yourself. You'll be fine. Promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))