Working through this.....

[hope42morrow]

I just finished watching the TedX talk and youtube video that Kristy Spraggon did. Great stuff. Weight off my chest lifting stuff. The last few days for me have been really hard, and I'm not quite sure why. Nothing in particular happened, but I have been laser focused and almost obsessing about herpes (I still really HATE that word. Seriously, it sounds so horror show like. Why couldn't they have called it something less innocuous, you know, like peaches or bunnies....). I was at work the other night and on every break I was looking up shit on the internet. Which, as most of us have discovered, you have to be careful when looking at the internet, there's so many nasty and horrible things on there in regards to this. And so, I woke up this morning determined to break this cycle I'm in. So I came to this site, which is such a positive, safe haven for me. And saw the post where @Dancer recommended the video. And it helped. To see, yet again, how not alone I am in this. That every emotion I have in regards to it is shared by many, many others. If you let it (and at times I have), this virus can isolate you. Which, really, pisses me off. That I allow this microscopic entity to control my emotions. Ruin my days. Keep me up at night worrying that I will never be loved, accepted. That no man will ever be able to see past it. Which I know is not true. Because men have. For me. But that fear is still there. It, at times, makes me want to hide. Crawl under the covers and never rise again. Other times the fear makes me so angry (at it) that I become determined to fight it. To win. My life. My happiness. Those are the good days. And sometimes I have weeks, months, of good days. I feel strong. But the last few days, no. I don't feel strong. I feel scared. And I'm tired of feeling this way. Mad at myself for allowing it to go on for days. I don't want today to be ruined for me. So I am here. I am venting. I am taking my life back.

 

And that's where I'm at. In this moment. On a closing note. A good friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I thought I would share....

 

Let someone love you just the way you are-as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room. -Mark Hack

 

Much love to all of you my beautiful friends.....

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey, if it's not Herpes, it's something else. We're too fat, too skinny, too old, too dumb, too pale, too black, too conservative, etc etc etc .... We all have our insecurities. And the more we focus on them, the bigger and uglier they seem.

 

Love the quote from your friend. It's perfect.

[willow]

I love that quote! Wish i heard it years ago, as @WCSDancer2010 if its not herpes its something else that creates our insecurities, thanks for sharing @hope!