Rant on the single life

[perfGentleman]

This is hard. I used to be the guy at the party surrounded by everyone, the life of the party. Really, the guy who would make sure everybody had an awesome time, and arranged that everyone met someone. The connections creator, the entertainer, the prankster, the joker.

 

Now I can't seem to shake H from my thoughts, it is just there all the time. I was out of with friends over the weekend and I just couldn't do anything. My very close friends who know, know. But I just... feel awful. While one is trying to hook me up with her cousin, and I make excuses to send her home by herself, the looks of disbelief , "Hooow are you passing on THAT?". Here is another lady who is going home very disappointed and asking herself what she did wrong. But she didn't, she was darn cute and 6 months ago, I would have kidnapped her for the weekend.

 

I know, I know... I still could, and disclose and have a great time or see if she runs away. I don't know. The next day, I lied myself out of getting a phone number. "What guy does that?" At least she won't wonder why I didn't call.

 

[HerryTheHerp]

The adjustment period is hard. There's no question that the old life is gone, and a new one has begun. It's tough to accept that, and we've all been there at some point. In time, it'll fade into the background of your life and your thoughts.

 

For now, let it change you in a positive way. Let it remind you how special life is and seek out those connections that make you feel smart, funny, and sexy again. Trust me, when you do that, you'll discover what truly mind blowing sex and relationships feel like.

 

Don't rob yourself of opportunities. Who knows? Maybe she has HSV as well? Maybe she has HPV? Maybe she's feeling just as insecure and concerned. Never assume, and never pass up an opportunity to take an amazing lady out on the town for a good time. The connection you make just might be the strongest you've ever discovered.

[WCSDancer2010]

@perfGentleman

 

So here's the deal as I see/read it. In the past, you likely relied on your looks and very possibly your "party boy" persona to attract girls. And you know what? That's fine while you want a quick bonk ... but it's a pretty shallow way to connect with someone ... and, as you have learned, you put yourself at risk for things you didn't bank on. Sure, it's fun...but did it leave you feeling satisfied? Or did you just have to go out the next night for your next "fix"? Did you meet girls with quality, or did you quickly find that they only had one thing that you were interested in? I'm just throwing stuff out here.... questions only YOU can answer.....

 

It seems you lived a wonderful, carefree life and in one evening, it all changed. You've had your confidence shaken. And it may take time to get your mojo back.... you've only been dealing with this for what...3-4 months? A mere blip in your radar my friend. 12 weeks out of the 4,000 you are expected to live. So be patient. I spent over a year getting over a regular break-up that shook my confidence ... any time that something shakes your belief system, it takes time to heal. So first and foremost be patient with yourself.

 

"I make excuses to send her home by herself, the looks of disbelief , "Hooow are you passing on THAT?". Here is another lady who is going home very disappointed and asking herself what she did wrong. But she didn't, she was darn cute and 6 months ago, I would have kidnapped her for the weekend. "

 

Did you see what you wrote? Yes, she likely wondered what she did wrong.... is she too fat? Too short? Maybe she should have worn that cute little red dress instead? Etc Etc Etc. And who knows what *her* secret is ... because we pretty much all have at least one. Maybe she hates her thighs. Or she was raped as a child. Or she's in therapy because she was in an abusive relationship. Or she has HPV (very possible). Or she can't have kids. Etc Etc Etc. And she went home just as demoralized as you did.

 

So do me a favor. Ask your friend for her number. Call her up. Tell her you were having a bad evening, and ask her out to make up for it. Make it a very public place, and just have a good time...no expectations at all. Just go with the intent to have a nice evening with a cute girl. You may find that things don't click at all..... and you may find her to wonderfully engaging. Try on just getting to know her ... and see what happens. Don't even worry about H because we are not talking sex here at this point... it's about trying on a different way of dating.... actually forming a relationship FIRST ... even if it ends up being a casual relationship of any kind .... it will be more satisfying in the end. Just go out and let things follow their normal course....and disclosure should be the furthest thing from your mind going into the evening.

 

Sometimes we have to push ourselves to do something that makes us uncomfortable. This is a great time to do just that ... if I was correct in my reading, your friend knows your status? Then who better to date than someone who he/she knows well and who would be there for her to talk to if you do eventually disclose to her? Couldn't be more perfect!

 

Bottom line though, be patient with yourself. You are still in the adjustment period. You will get there in the end... :)

 

((HUGS)))

[Guest]

I was talking to a friend of mine who also has H about 10 minutes ago on my way home. She has a coworker who is a 34 year old man and is dating several women of various ages, from 23-30, all of whom know he has H, none of whom seem to care. It seems to me that the issue is truly one of mind over matter. The level of confidence you have going into a relationship of any kind is going to dictate the enthusiasm and concern of your potential partner. If she sees that this is something that you shrug off as unimpeding to life, then she will likely do the same.

 

I came out about H to another friend of mine a few weeks ago who said to me on Saturday that after what I told her she has no concern over having it and wouldn't walk away from a guy who does if he's someone she sees potential with.

 

I'm slowly learning that this is not limiting in the sense you believe it to be. It is limiting in the sense that it will most likely keep you from making bad choices and being with partners who had no interest in you beyond the physical. It will separate the wheat from the chaff. There's no doubt about that. A woman will fall for you if you're charming and kind and a good man, and this won't prevent her from loving you. Give it time.

 

I'm just over two months into this whole thing and I'm starting to get my feet under me again. Until that happens, start treating yourself better. Eat well. Take weekend trips. Get outside. Go to sporting events and other cultural events. Stay busy. The sooner you get back to what was a normal activity level for you, the sooner you will adjust to this and it will just become a conversation you need to have.

[Kilogold]

Thank you all for sharing this.

Today I had an unusually mild breakout, and I was as surprised as I was distraught.

Thank you for sharing your experience, your wisdom, and your struggles. This calmed me a great deal.

 

This is for all three of you.

You are all strong people, and your condition has truly made you stronger.

Kudos!

[polkadots]

I buy into this "meant to be" business, but I can't help have a crisis of faith right now. While my inner hopeless (or delusionally hopeful) romantic would like to believe that the right person will come along, I wonder if I have to "play the game" a little better on my end too.

 

I recently disclosed to someone with whom I shared a mutual attraction/interest after a few dates. He's been incredibly understanding and thoughtful in reacting to the news, but that doesn't change the fact that the ultimate line is: "I like you a lot, but...not enough to risk it." (NB: I have never had an OB and regularly take suppressants.)

 

My question now is whether it's a matter of "I don't like you enough *yet*."

 

I recognize it might not have changed anything with this person, but I'm wondering if--moving forward--I can make the H more acceptable/palatable by building a stronger foundation first. This, however, seems to require that I no longer go with my gut (timing-wise) as I have been.

 

So on one hand, I don't want to let H hold me back from dating and letting connections develop naturally; on the other hand, I am starting to feel like I have to change something if I want more than a string of guys who've all seemed to become good friends (for which I am very grateful!) but nothing more. I admit I'm also afraid to invest even more into a potential relationship if I'll simply reach the same outcome.

 

It likely varies from person to person, but has anyone seen a difference between disclosing earlier vs. later?

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm wondering if--moving forward--I can make the H more acceptable/palatable by building a stronger foundation first.

 

There's no "perfect" time to tell someone. However, my observations here and experience is to wait until you are pretty sure that you are intending to get sexually intimate. AND, most on here would tell you that using this as a "rule" forces them to take a bit longer, and hold off the other person's advances a bit longer, before telling them. So then there is a bit more of a bond between you so that the other person will seriously look at their feelings for you...however, it HAS backfired on a few who have had the person get really upset for not telling them earlier.

 

Disclosing earlier will also make the person stop and think about whether they see any potential in the relationship. Many on here have disclosed earlier and they just agree to slow things down ... and it works out fine...

 

And then you have people like me who have disclosed on ALL their dating profiles and it hasn't slowed down my inquiries... but it HAS slowed down the number of guys who are looking for something more casual.

 

I personally feel that you need to disclose when it works for YOU ... and if the person says they don't like you enough, odds are they were already having doubts and/or they are in the "lets have sex first and see where it goes" mindset, which we are generally finding isn't necessarily the best way to look for a life partner ;)

 

 

 

[perfGentleman]

Hey Dancer, you are awesome.

Just had to say it there.

[WCSDancer2010]

Awwww - thanks @perfGentleman :)

[itcouldbeworse]

I had to double check if I wrote the very first post. I'm in the exact situation. Everyone thinks I have girls to the left and right of me. That use to be the case. Now I just chose to be single. People are even questioning my sexuality lol. My night usually has me going out, having a drink or two, making girls laugh and then me just walking away... I always question if the girl seems like an understanding person or if she is the one that will tell every one.

[WCSDancer2010]

I always question if the girl seems like an understanding person or if she is the one that will tell every one.

 

Shouldn't the first girl be the one you wanted all along? H has a way of slowing you down (but you shouldn't let it STOP you) so that you get to know the girl better before you jump into bed with her....

 

Our society is getting "relationships" all bass-ackwards .... we meet a couple times (or not... often less) and then jump in bed and wonder WTF happened when our BF/GF turns out to be the crazy jerk from hell!!!!

 

Rather than walk away, why don't you get the number of a girl and meet her later (when alcohol isn't running the show, because it ALWAYS makes poor judgement calls) for coffee and see where it goes. If you have an interest in her, just let her know that you want to get to know HER better before you get intimate .... believe me, women find that sexy as hell! What? I don't have to put out to get a 3rd date??? [cue Angels singing] ;)

 

Get to know HER.. see how she acts around her friends. She what she says to you about her friends (that's a BIG clue to whether she will tell everyone!). See how she treats the waiter. Take a day trip (shows whether she's high strung/high maintenance REAL quick!). Have a sleep over and talk all night. Honey ... I'm DREAMING of this guy right now and I know I'm not the only woman on this earth who is looking for him.

 

And then, when the time is right and you KNOW in your deepest part that this is the woman you trust with your heart and soul ... THEN tell her. ;)