Am I a total dumba$$?

[LookingForAlaska]

Backstory: At the end of April I had what seems to be a primary outbreak...high fever, painful pee (positive for UTI, on bactrim when all other tests were done) bumps and other grossness. My Dr. did a PCR test no more than 72 hrs after I noticed the bumps. The tests came back negative for both 1 and 2, as did all my blood work for the rest of the STDs. So now I'm waiting...either for a recurrence (and thus far I haven't had one as far as I can tell) or enough time to pass to do a blood test.

 

Here are my issues (I mean besides probably having herpes). The guy who I have been seeing for over 6 months admitted to having slept with someone else "just once," about a month before my symptoms appeared. He only admitted under duress bc I called his bluff with some info I was only partially sure of, and after I asked him how I could have an STD if he hadn't cheated. He actually asked me if I had had it all along and this was my way to tell him. After a bunch of BS he fessed up (not fully, I'm sure). In the course of telling me about the cheating, he said someone he was with "a while ago" told him after they had been sleeping together that she had herpes but "was taking medicine every day." When I told him I had an STD he didn't freak out and he didn't even ask what it was until the next day. And his eagerness to have sex with me again indicates he probably knows it was him. I mean, if he didn't think he infected me, it would at least give him pause before trying to get me naked.

 

In the weeks since this has happened, he has been trying to be nominated boyfriend of the year. I'm talking jewelry, flowers, and serious ass kissing of all kinds. I know he loves me (to the degree he's capable of) and is sorry that all of this happened (this is on what he says but also in what I see when he doesn't know I'm paying attention). But I can't do s#%t with "I'm sorry." The really, really messed up thing is that I think I'm staying around bc I can't deal with what it mean if I leave. To have invested all the time, effort, emotion just to end up possibly having to explain this relationship to every man I ever date, to not be able to have a sexual relationship in the manner to which I am accustomed, is all too much to put my brain around. I feel so bad about myself, and so uncertain about everything that at least it's something consistent.

Has anyone been in a situation at all like this? Or am I just really, really stupid right now?

 

[Sayyywhatt]

Oh girl you are not alone. My H giver denied giving It to me but still wanted to sleep with me once my OB was over. Your not stupid and don't be afraid to break up and have to tell other men....this will make you stronger and grow in the end and be wise with who you choose to be in a relationship with. If the person you want to be with and date won't accept you for having it then it's not meant to be. Iwas just going threw this last week with my ex ibroke up with him and only stayed cuz iwas afraid to have to disclose to someone else. DONT BE AFRAID!!!!! I'm talking to a guy right now just talking and he wants to date me but it's too soon for me to date and itold him straight out after talking for awhile and I disclosed to him and he was totally accepting of it. He said that if we we're get intimate well cross that bridge when we get to it....ihope this helps and if you need to talk you can always private message me. Much love girl ❤️

[WCSDancer2010]

@LookingforAlaska

 

The really, really messed up thing is that I think I'm staying around bc I can't deal with what it mean if I leave. To have invested all the time, effort, emotion just to end up possibly having to explain this relationship to every man I ever date, to not be able to have a sexual relationship in the manner to which I am accustomed, is all too much to put my brain around.

 

*Tough Love Alert* :)

 

Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who not only lied by omission, but who lied once caught and has still not fully confessed? ANY time you have invested the "time, effort, and emotion" in someone it sucks to walk away and start again. And honey, the way you were having your sexual relationships is what got you into this mess (sorry to be so blunt but many of us here were just as careless, myself included)...so why would you want to keep dating that way and risk another STD or worse?

 

The funny thing is, people who have had H for awhile usually come back and THANK H for helping them to learn a different way of dating...actually getting to know someone before getting intimate. This discussion is so typical of what we hear here...

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (READ TO THE END!!)

 

I think you know what you need to do. And I get it that you REALLY wish he was the one so you wouldn't have to go through starting over AGAIN (I totally get it because I have been through that several times in the last year) but if he's acting like this now, it very likely wont get better... past behavior is usually a good indicator of future behavior.

 

What would you tell a friend to do? Whatever that answer is, do it ... I think I know what the advice would be my friend ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[DamagedLotus]

 

@LookingforAlaska

 

Similar thing happened to me. My ex (whom I think I got this from) barely blinked when I told him and was very persistent about not using protection after I found out. From the very beginning before I contracted it was always admit about using protection and getting tested and thus the topic was a constant argument between us. He admitted to dating someone else during a brief 3 to 4 week breakup but claims he did not have sex with this person (who knows if thats the truth). To this day I think he may have known he had it (never admitted to it and never showed me his test results after he claimed he got tested and was negative). I also stayed in that relationship longer than I would have simply out of fear of having to be rejected by someone else. I learned that the longer I stayed the more resentment I started to feel towards him. I no longer trusted him, and felt he didn't even give me time to absorb the diagnosis as he just expected me to act like it didn't happen. I knew for months that the relationship wasn't going to work and even felt bad for sticking around. I felt like I was leading him on or maybe just using him because I knew he wasn't what I really wanted. It took me being miserable and unappreciated to finally let it go. Unfortunately, I don't have a success story following a new disclosure. I have yet to even attempt to date anyone since that relationship ended. I am still trying to deal with the emotional turmoil and fear of disclosing. However, I know I am grateful for leaving that relationship. I would rather be alone than stuck in an unfulfilling and untrustworthy relationship. My advice is don't settle. Take H out of the equation. If you hadn't been diagnosis would you try to make it work? If the answer is no, stand tall and walk away.

[Aimi]

Don't do it girl.

 

He does not deserve you. You are worthy of so much more.

 

You're right- you've invested time, effort, and emotion... but how much of that was reciprocated (Out of genuine appreciation, adoration & respect)? You put in so much and got back so little.

 

Who's to say it won't happen again? & What if the next time around, it's life-threatening? We think Hsv is the end of the world, but there are scarier things out there. Can you trust him to help protect you by honoring your commitment?? Cause' he failed once.

 

& The reason why you don't want to leave him, is exactly why he wants you to stay. He's feeling super lucky that you haven't walked. He won't have to be faced with the decision to disclose (or in his case- not disclose). He won't have to feel the fear and anxiety of rejection. He has you & not a care in the world.

 

I've been there too. If I left sooner, I probably wouldn't have hsv. But let me not start with the shoulda, woulda, couldas cause' I probably also wouldn't have my son & he's a complete blessing...

 

Every time I would leave he would play Boyfriend of the Year for a few days, maybe a few weeks. It never lasted. The only thing consistent was the lying and cheating and hurt. When I was diagnosed, he was still all up in my ass and I did entertain the idea of taking him back. I thought my options were: be alone or be with him & mistreated for the rest of my life.

 

I had to really step back and put things into perspective. Would I really rather be miserable than alone? Am I going to subject my child to all of this garbage? & What if the next time, he brings home HIV? I thought maybe hsv would be his wake up call- but nope, after I left him he continued to see multiple women without disclosing. Hasn't changed a lick and I am SO glad that I ran for the hills.

 

I've never been happier & I've never been healthier- even with hsv! I still have my moments- I won't deny that. But they are nothing in comparison to the emotional/mental abuse I went through with that man. I'm finally starting to rebuild, to love myself again. & Guess what- I'm not alone!!

 

I did find someone who accepts and adores me in every way.

 

& You will too! You will not be alone (not if you don't choose to be). You are so worthy and deserving of the best kind of love ( & sex) & there is someone out there that will recognize that!

 

Do not compromise your worth. If anything- let hsv show you how worthy you truly are! Let him shove his jewelry and flowers where the sun don't shine. He can kiss that ass while you walk away.

 

Ps. You are not a dumb ass. You are human. (((Hugs)))

 

Xo!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Powturns

 

Actually, there ARE guys who hold out for sex .... and HOW you explain it to a woman could actually work in your favor, because most women (I often think all, but I have no proof) women would want to be appreciated for our minds and who we are first ... yes, some may come on to you for causal sex, but you can just say something like "I tried that, but it's not for me ... sex is too special and personal to want to just go bonk a girl and walk away for me... I want to get to know something about her first". That would keep it from being hurtful for her .... and in fact, it may empower her to realize that she doesn't need to give herself to a guy first in order to feel attractive and loved (because a lot of casual sex for women ...not all, but a fair percentage) comes from an inner need to be seen as being attractive and we have attached sex as the "proof" that we are desirable and wanted....and often from the inner hope that if the sex is good, the guy may "fall" for her.

 

Right now, you are buying into the myth that men have to push for sex or jump on any woman who offers herself to them ... just as many have bought into the stigma of herpes. So I'm going to challenge you to change your perspective on this. You said you'd rather be single than be with [a bad relationship] ... use that to your advantage in those conversations.... you can say you have realized no matter how amazing the sex, if all the other stuff isn't there, it becomes a hollow vessel and isn't worth it.

 

Try it next time a woman comes onto you for sex ... I'd love to hear how it goes ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[LookingForAlaska]

@Sayywhat

@WCSDancer2010

@DamagedLotus

@Aimi

@Powturns

First, thank you for your responses. I couldn't get back before now bc every time I read what your wrote I ended up a big, weepy mess and just couldn't. I mean, I'm like that now but at least I'm not at work, so that's a bonus.

I have always been a believer in second chances...I work in a juvenile detention center & that's kind of what we're about (oh, and bf works there, too. Awesome). I'm not perfect either, etc. But this all feels like a bribe. Like it's a combination of guilt and panic on his part, and not bc it's how things would really be. And yes, he is lucky I haven't walked, and yes, I'm sure it's probably easier for him to continue to be with me than to have to be out there again. I never thought about it like that, @Aimi, but you're probably right. And in all likelyihood our relationship has always been like that. He has me as the stable, responsible, smart (questionable I know ) woman in his life and random pieces of ass on the side bc he can justify it all kinds of ways...I'm not there...it's just sex...I'll never know...bc he seems to be able to think that what he does outside of out relationship doesn't change his feelings for me. I have no idea if that makes sense bc I feel a little like I'm running off at the mouth right now.

The kicker is, I have only been divorced for about a year 1/2. Since ending my shitty marriage this is the 2nd relationship I have had. And I love him but mostly want to kill him and make it look like an accident. I'm kidding...but I'm sure you know what I mean. I left me marriage bc I felt like I deserved better, and sometimes I feel like maybe this IS what I deserve, bc that's what I ended up with. Like who am I to think I was somehow entitled to have more and be happy? Seriously, the only time I felt worse than this is when I had a miscarriage, and this is pretty close.

At the risk of sounding like Sally's friend Marie in When Harry Met Sally, "You're right, you're right...I know you're right." And I know exactly what I would tell a friend in the same position. In fact, I haven't told most if mine bc I don't even know how to.

Yes, I want him to be the one so I don't have to deal with him NOT being the one. And I'm pretty sure he's not. I know that people unknowingly infect others all the time, but I'm not sure this was the case. And for a while I thought this was all just some horrible, fucked-up accident, but combined with the cheating...well, that's some pretty bad math.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how coherent that all was...but my head is kindof a mess. I SO appreciate that you have taken the time to comment <3

[WCSDancer2010]

Awww honey...

 

Like who am I to think I was somehow entitled to have more and be happy?

 

Whenever I see someone write something like this, it makes me so sad...because we ALL are entitled to be happy ... and ... WE are usually the ones who get in our own way between us and happiness.

 

So what would you tell a Juvie girl who come in and tells you a story like yours? How would you empower her to leave behind what is unhealthy in her life and build herself up? Whatever that is, do it. You need to learn to love YOURSELF first ... when you do, you will have the strength to do what you need to do... and you know down deep in your heart what that is...

 

(((HUGS)))

[LookingForAlaska]

"Juvie girls" made me laugh bc that's the exact right terminology. That's the funny thing, is everything I do in their classes is about self-empowerment, about needing to be self-sufficient and not man-dependent, which is ironic given what a hot mess I am. And a large percentage come in at 14-15 yrs old with multiple STDs. Anyway, my life has been in such a state of upheaval and uncertainty that I feel I am clinging to the few things that are what they used to be, or at least can appear that way. Bc I know there is a "before this" and an "after this" point in this relationship and it is NOT the same now as before, no matter how badly I wish it was.

[WCSDancer2010]

There are many points in relationships where things/circumstances change, and you either grow together through them, or you walk away. I have a client whose husband broke his neck in an accident about 3 yrs ago... their relationship will never be the same. She is now a caretaker (tho he can go to work and get around, he only has a small amount of use of his arms... just enough to use a specialize wheelchair). I'm sure she didn't think she signed up for that when she said her marriage vows, but she's stepped up and is making the best of it... they just got back from England and are slowly seeing what they can do within the confines of the "after this" point of their marriage.

 

Looking in the rear view mirror keeps you from seeing the road in front of you. Yes, we need to glance behind us from time to time to see where we've been, but it's much more constructive to keep your eyes on the road ;)

 

Peace