Long Time Herpes Stigma Survivor

[Angelina]

Well hello, I'm new here. I have had herpes a while. I'm still young but I am just now coming to terms with this. I got this in early 2000 and there was support groups online but I wasn't able to accept it yet. I was in shock for about a month and then the effect wore off and I got over it, but then I stopped caring about myself as much.

 

I have been able to find partners who accept this but my recent partner has made this very hard to deal with. I have been with my current partner for two years and he doesn't care at all. He doesn't want to use protection, he doesn't want to shower afterwards and recently he tried to force me into bed when I told him I couldn't have sex with him because I was having an outbreak.

 

He went to UC Berkley and he thinks he's better than everyone. He puts me down all the time and acts like I couldn't do better, but it's not because of the herpes, it's because I didn't finish my degree.

 

I recently made the decision to leave him and when I told my mother, she thought it was a bad idea because she likes him even though I told her what he says and does. I'm still leaving him because sex is too hard to deal with with him and he makes me feel bad about myself. It's hard enough worrying that he'll get this, but when he refuses to take precautions, sex becomes something I dread with him.

 

Honestly, I have lost all enjoyment for sex. Sex causes me more anxiety for me than it does pleasure. I don't like sex anymore. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Mel_b]

Yes! My bf broke up with me three months ago. The reason why? I have no clue. That's what makes it hard. But he did mention something about not having a career chosen as well. He has it too and who gave it too who? we don't know. So for me its so hard to think of getting close, catching feelings, or even cuddling with someone knowing that I have this, even to hang out with a guy I feel bad :( and it bothers me how free he is just talking to random girls. (Is he sleeping with them, idk? Hope not) so what happens when I am ready to date or meet someone amazing? I just try not to think of it. But it does cross my mind but can't worry over something that hasn't happened. But I seriously think its just a mental thing we have where we are keeping each other in this bad stage where we can't accept it yet. But if they are accepting of it why can't we??? Seriously, there are bigger thing in life than herpes, that's one thing I'm learning. Keep your mind open and read good inspirational books because when it comes down to it you are the only one living your life and you are the only you have to convince that its ok if you have it. Yeah, the emotional and mental part is what hurts the most but life keeps going.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Angelina

 

Hello and Welcome.

 

Honey... this is not about Herpes. This is not about sex. This is about a man who is controlling and bordering on abusive. The issues of sex are just part of his control issues, especially "trying to force you" (that's called attempted rape by the way) to have sex.

 

Now, it's his prerogative to not use a condom or wash after. There are many, MANY discordant couples out there where the H- person never gets it even over 20 years and with no condoms or anti-virals. A lot depends on the person's immune system, how well the H- person knows their body, and dose of luck. I've been in a 3 yr relationship with someone who didn't worry about anti-virals or condoms and he never got it. He's an adult and once your partner knows their risk you need to be ok with them making an adult decision.

 

I can't tell you what to do but you sound like you are making the right moves with getting out of that relationship. I suggest you get some counseling because I think that you may need to work on figuring out why you have stayed in what sounds to me like an abusive relationship.

 

You need to take care of YOU... and from what you have written here, it sounds like your decision to leave is a good one. We're here for you.... ok???

 

 

(((HUGS)))

[Orngpeelmafia]

So I know totally how you feel...how I overcame that was realizing that I was still holding onto that stigma. I knew all the stats and had come a looooong way in terms of acceptance but I was still in that "I'm a walking contagion" mind frame. Even as it lessened and I was able to function out in the world like a normal human being the thought of being physically intimate was downright SCARY. It's hard to think of being close to someone and not think "omg what if this is the one day I'm asymptomatically shedding" or some crazy thing like that...that's how my brain worked at least. At the end of the day if you are knowledgable and open and honest with your partner and do everything in your power to keep them informed and they still think you're worth it then relax because anything that happens from that moment on is out of your control.

 

Now, that being said, it seems like there are other things at play here that may be causing your feelings of unease when it comes to sex. Herpes may be the lead role in that show but emotional abuse takes a big toll on ones self image and can do a lot of damage in the self respect and self love departments. Again I speak only from my experiences but I have also been in situations where verbal abuse ran rampant and after hearing the million ways I wasn't good enough I started to believe it and once I was out of that relationship I couldn't feel sexy because I couldn't love myself. Just recently after a breakup I found myself slipping back into that very dark realm and the best advice I have for you is work on loving you. Do things that make you feel good and smile. Do things that take your mind away from the negative and make you feel accomplished even if it's just taking a walk around the block. The more you work on loving you the more you'll find love for yourself and the more love you have for yourself the more beautiful you will become to yourself :) after that it's sexy land again!

[Angelina]

Thank you all.

Mel_b, yes it's like, if he accepts it why can't I? But I'm afraid he'll get angry if he indeeds catches it. I think even just passing it on would scare me. But honestly, it doesn't bother me having it when I'm by myself. I don't feel dirty all though I used too. He on the other hand likes to ask me why I ruined myself by not staying a virgin right when we're having sex. It really irritates me. He says he means it only because he thinks I'm pretty and that I shouldn't have let anyone ruin me because I'm beautiful. I think he shouldn't say things like that at all because it's like he's reminding me on a daily bases on how I through my life away. Sex is the last place I want to hear that.

 

Dancer, This is a controlling and abusive relationship, you are right. What's worse is that my mom likes him because he has a lot of money and thinks I shouldn't wait too long to get married or find someone. My mom was in abusive relationships in the past and she doesn't seem that in touch. I stayed in this relationship partly to make my mom happy because I was kind of a bad kid that didn't listen and not getting a degree was like the worst thing to her. She really thought I would end up in a trailer park and that never happened. I still have a good job. I never had an abusive boyfriend before so I know what it's like to be independent and to love myself, and that I want back. My Grandma on the other hand said to stick up for myself and not let him kick me around and that it's better to be alone than to be living like that. My Dad doesn't know what's going on yet.

 

Orngpeelmafia, thank you. I am already feeling better even though I'm sad and tempted to go back because I'm not used to being alone. He called constantly all day and wouldn't let me off the phone and it really made it hard for me to enjoy activities. I a giving myself all the love I've been missing for two years and I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I am able to focus on my work better as well.

[WCSDancer2010]

He on the other hand likes to ask me why I ruined myself by not staying a virgin right when we're having sex. It really irritates me. He says he means it only because he thinks I'm pretty and that I shouldn't have let anyone ruin me because I'm beautiful. I think he shouldn't say things like that at all because it's like he's reminding me on a daily bases on how I through my life away. Sex is the last place I want to hear that.

 

Yet another example of the control and abuse friend.... and downright MEAN on top of it. What an ASS. Sorry but I call it at I see it. You Grandmother is right... take care of YOU ... your mother may believe that money is the answer but YOU have to live with the abuse and it's not worth the trade-off. Maybe get your father in the conversation... I bet he'll be on your side. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Mel_b]

I feel like my ex will resent me one day when he ever tells the next girl and if she doesn't accept it, but I told him ( since my immune system is not the greatest and girls seem to have it worst than girls. I found out first but he mention something about having a sore before I told him soooooo idk who had it first.) but I told him and he still wilingly continued our relationship, he ended it, so I feel like he took the risk and at one point he did wanted to be with me. He tells me all he needs is time!!! Wtf (sorry) but I'm not waiting or someone second option!!!!! Don't give in!!!! Sometimes not getting what you want or getting a closed door can be the greatest struck of good luck! Learn to love your self before you have someone else love you!