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So he knowingly transmitted herpes to me.... then dumped me

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All the while telling me he loved me, he exposed me and never told me he was positive. He took away my life, brought darkness and depression, made me lose my laughter and easy smile. Then he disregarded the severity of my battle to get back to me, and left me because I couldnt find my way away from the demons to the light (all in the span of 8 wks). He broke up with me Monday and I'm totally wrecked. I sleep, then I sob, then I send him a bunch of angry texts, I can't eat. I'm exhausted after a day of work trying to be normal and functional. I get in bed when I get home, there's just no joy. How can someone do that to the person they love? How do I recover? Oh and he owes me money too. A lot. I feel so betrayed, over and over again. The sadness is overwhelming.

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OK, so a lot of us have been where you are. Maybe our partner knew or didn't know. But the feelings of darkness and sometimes depression are the same. You face your vulnerability, you lose your innocence with this virus. It makes you grow up so to speak, that life has consequences, that choices have risks and those consequences and risks can be horrible and life altering.


I have been there, trust me. Different situation maybe, but same result. You will find a way out. Your goal is to find a way out. My way out was therapy...it really helped and honestly, I used to be one of those people that thought therapy was useless and totally a waste of money. Now, I go there and I can say whatever I want with no judgment and my therapist guides me. There is no resolution yet, but I am on my way. You will be too.


It took me about 2 months to see a bit of light (post diagnosis)....let yourself cry, be mad, be sad, but know that its destructive too. If you let it, those feelings can destroy you and destroy your life and prevent you from getting back to the life you want.


Your life won't be the same.... no one's is....lots of people on here say there's is better because of it. I will not lie to you, I wish I didn't have it....wish I didn't have to worry about it. But I do, I have hope that I will find someone that will love me and want to be with me regardless, lots of people on this site do.


So stop with the angry texts, its only hurting you. It will push him further away and prevent you from moving on.


Keep posting your feelings on this site. There are so many wonderful people here that will offer you support. Use it. And start making decisions to get you on the right path to healing.


Good luck

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It makes you grow up so to speak, that life has consequences, that choices have risks and those consequences and risks can be horrible and life altering.


I love this statement. So true!


Believe me when I say, you will heal with time. I've been dealing with it for 18 years and it does not define you as a person. I know it's hard to see that right now when you're emotions are so raw but you will eventually see that this is just a skin condition. You have to view it that way.


Don't get me wrong...I wished I didn't have it. Life is hard enough as it is sometimes to not have this extra hassle. But it isn't the end of the world. You'll eventually find someone who loves and cares about you despite having H.

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The reason he didn't tell you is likely that he has bought into the stigma that noone would love him if they knew about it. And your reaction (not that it was wrong) just confirmed that for him ... because you are buying into the stigma as well :(


he disregarded the severity of my battle to get back to me, and left me because I couldnt find my way away from the demons to the light (all in the span of 8 wks).


Well then, Herpes has acted as your Wingman (see link below) because he just showed that he can't deal with things when the going gets tough ... so be thankful that he is gone because it likely would have happened anyway in the end, and possibly when you were dealing with something much worse.




http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )


How do you recover? Time. Education. Talking to people on here and reading the success stories so you understand that there are a LOT of discordant couples who are extremely happy. I'm a 35+ yr veteran of H2, 49 years with H1 Oral (got cold sores at age 3). Yeah, I've had some rough OB's early on but I sorted out my life and learned how to manage it . I'm totally out and have no embarrassment about it. I just was stupid and unlucky :p


The bottom line is you lost the crap shoot of sex. People just get into relationships and *if* they talk about STD's they believe whatever the other person tells them without seeing the proof in the form of the printed out test results. It happens in an alarming percentage of relationships nowadays. And you are FAR from alone.


So as @whitedaisies said, stop the angry texts. It is only doing YOU harm by not allowing you to focus on your healing .... Read what you can on here. Come here when you need to vent. Herpes can teach you so many things .... why do you think this place is called the Herpes Opportunity???





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@whitedaisies it feels so good to know I'm not the only one who has been there. And to hear someone say 'your life won't be the same' as sad as it is, feels good too. I told him that and he just kept acting like it was nothing. His answer was get more sleep and all would be fine. He completely ignored my crying out for help and just left me to figure it out alone. And yet I stayed because I believed he was being truthful. And then bam, nope, he lied.


OK no more angry texts. @WCSDancer2010 you're right, it really is not helping at all (and pretty stupid), I know that. He's a self absorbed angry person not deserving to be in my life. I did believe what he told me without asking for proof. Ugh.


I think the loneliness is the hardest part. Trying to find my way without a loving partner (which silly me I thought I had). It's like a double whammy. And it freaking hurts.


Thanks for the place to talk and vent. It does feel better. Maybe now I can get out of bed, maybe go take a walk :)


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He's a self absorbed angry person not deserving to be in my life.


BINGO!!! Glad you got that message!!!


I think the loneliness is the hardest part. Trying to find my way without a loving partner (which silly me I thought I had).


I took a 3 year hiatus from dating a few years back. I started dating ME .. learned to love ME, and got really comfortable with being alone. It's helped my self confidence soooo much. There is NOTHING worse than feeling alone when you are lying nest to someone. You just learned that. So take some time off dating and do things for yourself ... take that walk and look around at the beauty that is around you. It's a great place to start building the new, improved, H-enhanced YOU!!!





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I have a daughter who seems to love to learn her life lessons that way, and she is turning into one of the strongest and hardest working people I know. She was engaging in sex relatively early on (I believe...), had an abusive BF early on who was over 21 when she was 17 (called him out on it when he lied about his age to us ... and got her into a program to help get her head out of her arse), several other "poor choice" BF's, got caught stealing in the Ivy League prep school her father taught at (she got in free as part of is compensation) and got thrown out ... then got taken off in handcuffs after for stealing at the public school she went to. May have sold drugs for awhile.


Finally started to pull her life together (tho she was with one of the useless BF's at the time), started college, and got pregnant on BC in her first semester. I thought it would give her the excuse to quit, but they set her up with online and night classes, she dug in, and got her Associate in Environmental Science with a 3.65 GPA and was inducted into 2 honor societies. Oh, and graduated debt free thanks to several scholarships because of her grades and such. She's now working at another private college as an Administrative Assistant and will be starting classes there soon. All with a baby in tow, a split from the baby-daddy (who was stealing their rent money to support his prescription drug habit) and a lot of debt thanks to the BF's habit and inability to keep a job. Oh - and she was working half-3/4 time during college.


I'm telling you this because you can learn from each mistake and become a better, stronger person who will blow you away (my daughter finally has started to recognize just how much she has achieved!) one day...


So take time to figure out what you want. Then go after it. The world is your oyster ;)



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Wow that is an amazing story. She really has had some challenges and persevered. Thanks for sharing. People like that I admire, because they just keep on even when most would just give up. I think my lesson here is to take the blinders off and stop thinking everyone is good and honest. They just aren't. And as negative as that sounds if I can stop trusting so easily and really try and look at each relationship with less emotion and more reality, maybe I'll finally get what I truly deserve in life, and maybe down the road a partner that I can trust to be honest and decent.


Maybe first step is to take my accounting and wine industry skills from the east coast where I am now and make that move to northern california that I've always dreamed of. Planning a fresh start might just be that path.

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All great stuff ... I for one am doing my best to slow down how fast I get intimate now ... get to know the person I am dating. I listen to what they tell me, and if things are not lining up, I make a mental note. If too many things don't line up, I walk. Just managed to dodge a bullet with a guy who seemed great (let me set the pace) until he suddenly disappeared and a google search showed he had been arrested for bank robbery last Fall ... now, he may have been acquitted, but I had been open about my status, and I expect the same. So I'm glad I slowed that one down and I've learned my lesson from that ;)


Keep us posted about your adventures!!

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