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Potential Disclosure - with a twist.....

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Well, I was hoping to get everyone's opinion on this to help me make a decision. I am a person that tends to feel responsible for my decision plus everyone else's....so this potentially having or not having herpes, is not helping.


Here's the scenario. 5 swab tests negative, 2 blood tests negative at 6 months. Still think I have it b/c have every other symptom but typical lesions. Anyway, let's abandon the argument of whether I have it or not.


There is this guy at work that has been showing interest....lots of it the past little while. And I am interested....I don't think it will go anywhere serious, but I think he's a really great guy and he's older than me and I like that he's mature and got his shit together...excuse the language. Anyway, he's made passes, advances without actually asking me on a date. Well, anyway, we met for lunch as I was feeling a little sorry for myself, totally innocent, holding hands, he touched my back, etc. He makes me feel desired and good about myself.


So I know he wants to move things further, and I'm petrified for him to touch me. I still don't know I have anything, no medical evidence, no doctor says I have it, but you know when you just know? Anyway, Dancer told me to disclose about that I've tested negative but something is going on and I don't know what it is...ok...fine....but my question is what if he does get something when we are intimate? It's heading that way and I am slamming on the breaks not because I don't want to have sex with him....I sooooo do but because this guy is from my work and if he gets it, even though I've done everything humanly possible to prove I have it....I just don't know how someone would feel? How would you feel, if someone went to so much trouble...honestly I've spent 6 months of my life trying to get a positive diagnosis and can't for whatever reason.....so what would you do:


1) If someone didn't disclose anything (technically I've come up negative at 6 months so I shouldn't have to) and you still got HSV1? (I think I have GHSV1)


2) If I did disclose and then there's a guy at work running around that I may have something and he totally dumps me!


Ah! Dancer, be patient, I know I asked you this before, but thought maybe some men could chime in to see how they would feel? I am having a hard time wiht the responsibility factor and yes, of course I would use condoms and I am on antivirals anyway, just in case, lysiene, going to naturalpath...honestly, I can't do more. And I probably won't get a positive diagnosis for a long time so I just keep not having sex forever? It could be another 6 months before I test positive. I just feel so stuck but so turned on by this guy. I am trying to go slow but petrified I won't disclose and will cave and have sex.



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I'm not a guy, and not the queen of successful disclosure stories, but I this seems fairly straightforward to me. It sounds like you have the time and opportunity to disclose, so I would. I think you do have a responsibility to do so, since you know something is going on. It may or may not be contagious, and you can say that. I would say something like, "Look, I really like you and think you're totally fine. I just want you to know, in case anything happens between us, that I might have an STD. I'm not sure what it is yet, or if it's an STD at all, but I needed to tell you because there may be a small chance that you could contract it if we have sex." You might want to throw in "It's not currently bothering me/not currently active" because I'm not sure I'd want to get it on with someone who was on fire down there.


If he is a reasonable person, I would think that disclosing like this would reduce the odds of him running around the office telling people that you have something, where as if you didn't disclose, and he got whatever you have, he might be more likely to. Disclosing would increase his respect for you.


But it sounds like you are more afraid of telling him about it and having him reject you outright and then going on to tell other people in the office about it. I'd take that as a sign that he might not be worth the risk. Personally, I wouldn't want to get involved with someone I didn't feel I could trust in such a basic way. I don't like letting herpes dictate my life, but I think this might be a sign of bad character that has nothing to do with herpes.

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Wondering.....my opinion, you should disclose and he decides whether he takes the risk or not. My opinion, your post sounds like you would be afraid to disclose to anyone, just a gut feel, and there's nothing wrong with that....it's hard. He may surprise you and is it worth the risk? I don't know...only you know and only you will find out if you tell instead of just what iffing yourself to death.


You are in a hard situation no doubt because a lot of us here know our diagnosis so you could be outting yourself for no reason or could be disclosing for a reason. I see why you are struggling. Hopefully more people come on here and provide advice.


Wish you well, whatever you decide.

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You know what? Forget it! Don't respond, I am throwing in the fucking white towel! I concede! Herpes has beat me! I cannot disclose this bullshit so I am not having sex and that's it. Sex will probably cause a damn outbreak anyway, so what's the point!


I am young, attractive in good shape, smart and have fucking herpes and no one will see beyond my stupid virus and I am too fucking scared to tell a potential partner. This is ridiculous that we have to bear this damn burden of responsibility when we didn't do anything wrong to get this thing and even if we did, people have done worse and not gotten it...so yes, I am in self pity mode!


And don't say, if he's the right guy, he wont' care...that's bullshit...I don't want this virus, who would?! So good for you, you found someone that accepts you and you are living happily ever after. Honestly, I couldn't be more happy (not being sarcastic...truly happy) and I envy and admire you that have disclosed. I just can't....I won't and I doubt I will ever have sex again.


I was sexually abused as a child, just fucking starting to enjoy sex and bam!!! Herpes! What kind of damn sick joke is this?


Don't respond, this is just too pathetic and honestly, I don't care anymore.

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The bottom line, my friend, is that we should ALWAYS have the STD talk ... even without Herpes ... and most of us don't, which is why most of us are here in the first place. So with or without H I'd tell anyone that they need to be honest about anything up front.


And it sounds like you are taking on the responsibility of his choice. It's really very simple .... tell him the truth (about your symptoms and the tests you've had, how by now it should have shown up, but you don't have a diagnosis either way ... that you are on antivirals and you would use condoms, which reduces his risk dramatically *IF* you have H) and then ACCEPT his CHOICE. Of course we don't want to pass this on, but if you are responsible on your end and he gets it, there is no blame if he knew the risks. And personally, I feel that people who *believe* they are H- (because many don't know they have it) are at a FAR higher risk than those of us who are taking the antivirals (which reduce the risk by at LEAST 50% - up to 90% in some studies).


I'm sorry you are dealing with this on top of all your past history ... and I get your frustration ... but in the end, sometimes you just got to take a leap of faith and be VULNERABLE .... Somehow I think THAT is the sticking point for you ;)





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Well you are an amazing people reader and definitely know how to cut through the bullshit!


Yes, vulnerability is my biggest issue I would say. I don't like it at all and I have lived my life not letting myself be. And I know that is no way to live, I know in order to be free or to live and love, one has to be vulnerable. I can't....I am trying....I am scared. I have trouble trusting people that once I am vulnerable they will disappoint me or not surround me with big loving arms.


Anyway, thanks Dancer...I am going through periods of good weeks and bad and this is definitely a bad one. ALways appreciate your posts....we will have to see how brave I get.

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You are not alone ... many find it hard to be vulnerable... but Herpes almost forces us to learn how to take the risk in order to disclose...and the amazing thing is, you may learn to fly in the process... as per my favorite quote:


“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”


― Edward Teller


Make sure you watch those videos ... and this one too:





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