I know herpes isn't a big deal, so why is disclosing still so hard?

happies66 · August 1, 2014

Herpes has not been a big deal for me thus far. I've been affected more by fear and shame than I have the actual virus. I've had it for 2 years now and have never had an outbreak. I might not even know I have the virus without my ex-boyfriend messaging me on Facebook 4-5 months after we had ended our relationship. He told me he had genital herpes and I needed to get tested. I had been tested before I was with him and had tested negative for herpes. Actually, I had urged him to get tested too, but "heat of the moment, unprotected sex, I trust you, well, we've already had unprotected sex once, might as well have more unprotected sex, blah blah blah." I was also very misinformed about herpes (I thought you could only catch it if the person you were having sex with, had an open sore.) Thanks, abstinence based, extremely flawed Texas Sex Ed. Anyway... I ended up getting back together with an ex I had been with previous to him. We had a pretty serious history, a very passionate relationship, he was in love with me, and accepted my new herpes status without missing a beat. "I'll catch it too if that means I get to have sex with you everyday." I think were his exact words. Of course, I didn't want that to happen, so I got on daily suppressive therapy. We also used condoms about 2/3 of the time. Our relationship ended a few months ago for reasons unrelated and he is still negative.

Now, I get to the problem.. I like someone new. I mean, I really like him. I can see myself falling in love with this guy. Our chemistry is amazing. Our conversations, amazing. He is my ideal partner. I haven't told him about my herpes yet, but I just have this feeling that he will not be okay with it. He is a self proclaimed germ-ophobe. Something tells me, he will be disgusted by me. I want to get this out in the open so I can either sulk and move on, or we can start getting physical. But, I just need more reassurance incase he DOES reject me.. I need some strong words from you guys, because I don't want to start crying. I don't want to be visibly emotionally upset. I've been reading posts on different websites, people asking if herpes is a deal breaker. The whole "I wouldn't take a chance" thing is ridiculous. We are human, and we have slip ups. If you've ever had unprotected sex, you have already taken a chance. Hell, even if you have protected sex, you are still taking a small risk of catching something. Sex is risky, it's animalistic, it's not pretty. It's real. You have to be an adult and take responsibility and acknowledge things can always happen. Who wants to live their life in a bubble? Who wants to feel damaged over something REALLY as minor as herpes?

Also, another question.. When should I tell him? Should I wait until I've been seeing him about a month? That's what I'm thinking.. So far it's been 2 weeks..

happies66 · August 1, 2014

Oh, just to add. I am certain I have HSV2. I've had 2 blood test done and I test positive.

happies66 · August 1, 2014

And I am still on suppressive therapy.

willow · August 1, 2014

Well.. as far as when, its when u are ready. There is no time frame.

some people wait untill they are emotionally attached. Others say it first or second date!

(Be sure to tell him before being physical tho, thats a musty!!)

Make sure ur emotions dont get the best of u, keep calm, and have ur facts ready incase theres any questions.

I told a guy in feb when i was just newly diagnosed and we knew eachother for months only were seeing eachother 1 month and ran fast. ( i was super emotional tho and didnt know a damn thing about the virus then either) I told my now bf on our 2nd date with the "its no biggy" attotide and he took it very well.often the carier of the virus is more concerned tjan tje potential partner.

I tried to write some encouraging words in another post if u want to read it? Maybe it will help with courage? http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3877/fear-and-power#Item_4

WCSDancer2010 · August 1, 2014

@happies66

Hello and Welcome..

He is a self proclaimed germ-ophobe.

* Flaps arms wildly* DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!! lol

So here is the thing ... his telling you that gives you a heads up that not only will he likely have difficulty "risking" catching H (because germ-phobes will avoid any risk of catching things at all costs) but likely he would be constantly worrying about every little tingle and itch. So first word of advice.... proceed with caution. Its not impossible to have a relationship, but *try* to keep this in mind as you progress with the relationship and if it doesn't work, realize that this is about a PHOBIA and NOT your H status.

This may also be why you are afraid to tell him ... you KNOW that there is a good chance that while he may not see you as "disgusting", there's still a good chance he won't feel comfortable with risking getting H (even tho the Stats show that he's likely to get it from someone that doesn't know they have it :( )

You want a man who will say " "I'll catch it too if that means I get to have sex with you everyday." " .... who won't bat an eye at your status. You have a good and realistic attitude towards the risks of sex and you need a man who will have the same outlook. This guy may not be that guy, but you won't know until you disclose.

So... check these links out - some will help educate you better so you can tell him in a matter of fact manner and you can hand him a handout about H and the stats. Some will help you to see Disclosure and possible Rejection from another angle. And some will hopefully give you hope :)

(((HUGS)))

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

My Blog

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)