Rejected - what now

[j_avalon]

Hey Guys,

 

Ive been a lurker on here for a long time, always wanting to heal from my diagnoses on my own, just reading posts to help me on the way. Only my best friend knows, no one else, not my family or any friends. But this time I need some support. It will be 2 years in november for me…anyways on sunday i told this guy I've been seeing for a couple months, i told him because i have really fallen for him and could see myself being with him. and he was totally freaked out and not willing to take the risk. I've told 2 guys before and they were ok with it - but i didn't really have feelings for them, but this guy, he is the one out of all of them that i wanted to accept me, that i actually want to be with, and he can't.

 

He was polite and cordial, and said he did his research, but i think that he just can't get past the stigma. He said i am an amazing girl and he is so sad and that he respects me so much for my courage and that he was so happy with the way things were going, but the fact that he can't look past this has made all those self-imposing feelings of stigma come rushing back to me. his rejection has made me feel unworthy, undesirable. No matter how great of a person i am, I'm still tainted. I know I'm being a debbie downer, but its really hard to stay positive. not being intimate with anyone (i have had sex twice in 2 years - the 2 guys before…but it was just sex, it wasn't intimate for me) for the past 2 years has been so hard, and i am trying to stay strong. but i just want to feel loved and valued. i wanted it from him. i just wish he thought i was worth it. its such a small risk.

 

he was the first guy i allowed myself to have feelings for, and the thought of having to go through this again with the next guy is gut wrenching.

 

anywyas, im rambling. I'm just feeling really weak and vulnerable and insecure right now, and no one to talk to cuz my best friends in bali. Im having a really hard time accepting his rejection, like i feel like i need to change his mind, like i want him to see it the way i had hoped for so he wants to be with me. i thought if he got to know me well enough it wouldn't of mattered to him, but it does. i never want to have to go through this with another guy again.

 

Just reading these words, they sound pathetic, I'm stronger than this. But I also have to acknowledge that I'm hurt and upset and emotional right now. Any words of support or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. What do i do next? i don't know where to go from here.

[normalprofessional]

first, I am very sorry to read that you're hurting. rejection doesn't feel good in any circumstance. my advice is to think of it as it wasn't meant to be with this guy. It's easier said than done, but we have to think that everything happens for a reason, and this guy wasn't part of the plan for you. :)

[H_is_for_Hope]

Big hugs to you. I don't know if I have the right words to help you feel better but I believe that someday, when you connect with the right person and you WILL :)...that you will look back on this rejection and realize that this one closed door has led you to an open door of a wonderful relationship with someone that can truly make you happy. I know hard to be optimistic, but this is HIS loss. Maybe he would have been non-accepting of other things as well...this shows his true colors.

[Unbroken]

Hi J. Sorry to hear about that as well. I've had my share of that reaction, I think any of us who have the integrity to tell other people have more than once. Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it and like np said, it's easier said than done. But that doesn't mean it's undoable. Firstly, he has the right to have that reaction. I don't agree with it and none of us may agree with his reaction, and you're correct, it's motivated by the stigma not the facts. And it speaks to his inability to accept things. I know you want to try to "turn" him. I'm sure he had many desirable qualities but also realize we all tend to idealize other people and think "Oh THIS is the one, they're couldn't be another". There's not just another, there's better, there's the one who will accept all of you. And he is truly remarkable (you just haven't met him yet). And regardless of what conditions you happen to be living with, H or no H, there is life after rejection. It's a problem with their ability to accept. It is NOT a problem with you. Keep your head up.

[WCSDancer2010]

@j_avalon

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So ... first off - right now you are Two for Three - two didn't care, one did. Unfortunately the one that did is the one you had the most attraction for. But the fact of the matter is, TWO guys were ok with it. So you KNOW that you can be accepted with it. It's just bad luck that the one you really had hopes for was the one to walk away.

 

Second, rejection ... for ANY reason sucks.... period.

 

To be honest, I believe that if a person is REALLY invested in you, they will see past it (tho the OCD/Hypochondriacs might not, simply because they already struggle with "germs" and that kind of person may not be a good match for us anyway). The Herpes Talk has a way of making the other person take stock of their feelings for you as well as the risk they may take if they are with you, and for many, they realize that while they may like and respect you a lot (and many would happily take you to bed and enjoy being with you that way), when they see that we are ready for a true commitment, THAT is what scares them off.... IE: for many, as the saying goes "They are just not THAT into you".

 

he was the first guy i allowed myself to have feelings for, and the thought of having to go through this again with the next guy is gut wrenching.

 

I'm having the same issue here and it's not about Herpes - I am totally "out" about my status and the guy I just started seeing keeps going into "radio silence" ... I had allowed myself to hope and right now I'm fed up (AGAIN!) with the whole dating process. Dating can be just plain HARD ... there are so many things that can be deal breakers on BOTH sides.

 

The majority of "new relationships" don't get past the first few months ... because at some point we realize that there is something that makes us incompatible, or one person isn't ready for any kind of commitment, or whatever. Each time it ends, it sucks. We just have to learn to be ok with the sadness, allow ourselves to feel it, deal with it, and move on. Try to see that this is not really about Herpes .... he's just no the right guy for you and the universe is letting you know sooner rather than later ;)

 

Check out the links below - they may help you to get a better perspective on all this ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Rejection

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection