Finding Out You Have Herpes

[ashley030389]

So I went a pretty good while without having sex. For the longest time I thought I was going to be a virgin forever. I hardly dated, I've met a few guys, but managed to keep my virginity. Then I met a guy at work that I was really into. We were friends at first, then we started acting as more. Well one night he came over, and we had sex. Still friends at the time, but I lost my virginity to him anyway. Couple weeks later, something was wrong with me. I self diagnosed myself, thinking it was a bladder or kidney infection, a yeast infection, I just knew after it wasn't those that it must be an STI and I needed to go get tested. My best friend was encouraging me and telling me that no matter what, I can take meds and it will go away. So I went to the health dept and they got blood samples and urine samples and the doctor came in to check me out. He told me after looking at my area for a couple of seconds that I definitely had herpes and I cried. After that moment everything was a blur. I called the guy I had sex with and told him we needed to talk in person. He thought I was pregnant, but I told him we had herpes. Not only did he not know he had it, he didn't know that it was for the rest of our life. We got into a relationship and decided to help and take care of each other. But things got complicated and we are not together anymore. Dealing with this has been the hardest thing ever in life because I got herpes after losing my virginity to a man that I am in love with now. And it hurts going through this and it hurts not being together. A few of my closest friends know, and a few family members but not my parents. I could never tell them. I'm on meds now, I still have an outbreak due to stress, and everyday it gets harder. Especially because I experience a lot of the side effects with the meds, I get sad all the time now, I am still in love with the guy who I'm still having relations with just not a relationship. I know it gets easier, I just don't know when it will. Any advice would be helpful?

[whitedaisies]

Ok, I went thru almost the exact same thing.

 

I never ended up telling the guy I got herpes...it was complicated.

 

Anyway, if you are still in love with him and he isn't with you....it's best just to rip off the band aid and stop having sexual relations with him. It's just making things harder for you because you want to be with him. I tried to be friends with my giver....I really did...but I think what I realized is it didn't work for a reason and so friendship would likely not work either. You do what you need to.

 

I went to therapy to help me and I totally recommend that to anyone that is in a dark difficult place, struggling to deal.

 

You will be ok. The heartbreak hurts worse than herpes ever will. Both of them will get better over time....the hurt lessens...you slowly start to forget.

 

Hugs.

[ashley030389]

Thank you, @whitedaisies.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ashley

 

Whitedaisies is right - if you are having sex but there is no hope of a relationship and you still love him, you are just prolonging the agony ... if he says he loves you but won't step up and commit or whatever, and you are having sex, well, he has no reason to change, does he? As Steve Harvey says, he's getting the cookie ... so he has no motivation to change.

 

Stand up for what you want/need from him. If he can't give that to you, don't stay just because you both have H ... there are plenty of men out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved... promise ...

 

And I got H on my first experience too ... so I feel ya there ... :(

 

(((HUGS)))

[ashley030389]

@WCSDancer2010 Has it gotten easier for you? And thank you for responding

[whitedaisies]

It will get easier....it's only your first month. I spent the first 3 months crying!!! Break up plus herpes plus a whole bunch of stuff for me going on. And now month 8, I have my bad days but some good days too!!!!

 

Do stuff to help you:

1) I went to therapy 2 x per week - really helped...still going

2) Took up writing....always wanted to write so I started journalling and writing my story and it really helped

3) Do something artistic that you like to stop your mind from thinking....colouring, painting, sculpting, photography, dancing, playing instrument etc. It really helps to balance

4) It's hard to end a relationship....took me 6 months and honestly, it was agonizing....tried to stay friends even though sex stopped....it's just not good for your ego. I am not saying to be mean to him but you have to help yourself now and trust me, from experience that means letting go. Letting go is a process and it won't happen over night, but therapy should help you deal. It's just never good to hang onto someone if your feelings are stronger than theirs. I know it hurts but it's what's best for you and it makes room in your heart for someone else to fill it!!!!!

 

Good luck sweetie! You will be fine!

[msmee]

Please if you can afford it go to therapy. I went thru short term goal oriented therapy and it's the best thing I ever did.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes - it does get easier ... I'm totally "out" (came out last Fall) but I've had it 35 yrs ... so I almost don't remember what it's like to NOT have it.

 

I agree if you can get therapy, do - the majority of your "suffering" is in your head ... you've bought into the stigma .... and you are allowing yourself to believe that Herpes has made you less lovable, or dirty, or whatever. And it's not true. You are still the same person you were before you got H. The only difference is you have a virus that you *might* pass on, but that is really a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place. So much will depend on your willingness to see from a "positive" perspective. Like many things in life, you can focus on the negative, or look for the good. The good I see every day is people learning empathy ... people finding true love for the first time (because they HAVE to be more selective about who they become vulnerable to), learning that sometimes shit just happens no matter how careful you are. So many lessons can be learned from H (aka, the Herpes Opportunity!) IF you are open to the lessons ;)

 

(((HUGS)))