16 years With Herpes but still scared!

[Miji69]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking a month or so, taking inspiration from various stories but also feeling a little disheartened by other points of view. I'm on the brink of disclosure but "stuck" so I feel the only way to get me to jump and do it is to come here for a little inspiration/guidance/whatever. My story's a little different in that I'm a woman in her mid forties that has disclosed before to my previous long term partner (7 years) with whom I had two healthy and BEAUTIFUL little girls. Yes! For those of you who worry about conceiving and having children it is completely possible and doctors take it in their stride. One was C-section for ordinary reasons and the other I gave birth to naturally.

 

Anyway, HSV-2 (I assume as I was never offered a blood test here in Britain 16 years ago) was passed to me by someone who, in retrospect, was trying to tell me in the flakiest of ways: "You know after that car accident I had and I was in that coma? For some reason my mum told me when I came round I had herpes!" *Laughter...And that was it! I was naive and ignorant and didn't ask him to confirm or deny, we had unprotected sex then two weeks later, BAM! The most painful, vicious outbreak. He was completely nonchalant about it, I was devastated and we continued on in a rubbish relationship for another year, probably because I though I'd never find anyone else. Oh, to add, after a week's break, on getting back together he then gifted me with chlamydia, which is when I thought, ok, goodbye... I was lucky with that one.

 

Moving forward I then met the father of my wonderful children, being young, confident and kinda secure I was fairly bold in my disclosure one romantic night. He looked at me a little confused and said he respected me for telling him, still wanted me and on we went. Now, we/I was very vigilant early on, no meds just abstention and condoms but then he began to say he wanted to use condoms less and less. There were a couple of times when I told him I felt "tingly" that he would say he didn't care and I guess we became looser about our sex life. While trying to conceive our daughters we planned around all the normal things but also around any sensations or outbreaks which had become less and less, with advice from my Obstetrician. Unfortunately a year before we parted, a year after my second daughter he complained he had symptoms which he had confirmed as herpes. We carried on for a while but arguments, stress and your usual growing apart stuff, broke us up. It really wasn't the herpes. Although I still feel bad to this day even though he has since moved on and married someone else which I am honestly happy for. Gives me a little hope if I'm honest.

 

Now, to the present.. I haven't had to disclose since because I haven't been in a relationship, other than low self esteem hook ups with my initial "gift giver" because I thought no one else could/would want a woman in her late thirties now forties with herpes and two kids. That has stopped and then I met this amazing guy who treats me with so much respect, he's everything I'm looking for in a partner but I'm SCARED! I feel like why would this cool, popular, talented amazing man want to risk a possibility of something with me after a month when he could have like any other woman. I'm four dates in. Was about to disclose last week but then he wasn't well that night so we just curled up and hugged. The next morning, he was feeling better, shall we say and was really wanting to have sex. There was something about the cold light of day and lack of wine in my blood stream that paralysed me so I quite brusquely brushed him away. I texted him later apologising for being "useless" and he responded saying "you're not useless, you're amazing and we've got plenty of time for all that" ... For some reason that depressed me more. To add, we have been briefly intimate orally, me giving to him. I'm only GHSV2, don't get cold sores and on meds but still...

 

We're meeting for lunch today and I feel like this guy is falling for me and I'm leading him on because everything that gets in the way of one of our dates fills me with relief as I don't have to have that Talk but I gotta do it and I feel stuck because I really don't feel like that young free girl anymore that would've moved straight on to the next guy if I got rejected, I think this would crush me at my age. He is also a friend of many friends, colleagues of mine and I worry about privacy.. So... If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Go easy, I'm a Newbie :-)

[forgivenessandpeace]

Oh gosh @Miji69, I really have no experience to help you but you've read @NSgreenville's story and, maybe you're ready to make yourself really vulnerable or maybe you want to grow your emotional intimacy with him for a bit longer. You say, "I feel like this guy is falling for me and I'm leading him on". You even aplogised for being "useless".

 

He, on the other hand thinks "you're AMAZING" and states that you've got plenty of time for that. Maybe you should take him up on that? You don't owe him sex. You are not a tease just because you're not comfortable going there yet. Four dates is not THAT many.

 

If he is that into you, he will wait for you to be totally comfortable, right?

 

 

 

 

[Miji69]

Hi @forgivenessandpeace, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, especially to a Brit all the way across the pond. I decided to use this forum as I find you guys in the US much more open and willing to listen and expand on issues (no offence to my fellow Brits!) Yes, I think he is willing to wait but it kinda gets to a point where you run out of reasons for not allowing anything at all to progress incase you set yourself up for them being nervous and duped about WHATEVER you did.. Kissing, touching etc.

 

I did feel useless, only because I have always put passion at the top of my list but I'm taking the advice of a dear friend who said that I whatever I did before, I should do everything differently. It's hard to think of a man wanting to spend time with me whilst I have to be so protective. Knowing I have yet to do the talk makes me tense and distant and I don't want to drive him away but I know I'm putting out excuses for not meeting so I can put of the talk.

 

Anyway, he's due here in an hour or so, maybe I'll do it after dinner or maybe wait another week BUT I'm feeling like each time we meet it gets more intense. I'll check back at a decent time (US TIME!) to let you know how is got on.

 

Again, it has been so encouraging to see your response to my rambling post and I very much forward to more discussions with you and others here :-)

[forgivenessandpeace]

Good luck to you and I wish nothing but the best for your heart!

[WCSDancer2010]

I did feel useless, only because I have always put passion at the top of my list but I'm taking the advice of a dear friend who said that I whatever I did before, I should do everything differently.

 

I get you with this one ... and I will admit I'm 53 and I struggle with this one too ... I tend to get physical early but obviously it hasn't worked (well, I had a 20 yr marriage that ended amicably, but it hasn't worked since :p ). Steve Harvey has a 90 day rule, and I'm coming around to feeling he may be onto something ... I just finally gave up on a potential guy after 90 days ... initially he seemed to be "Mr Perfect" and came on strong but over time he's shown that he's not ready for what *I* want. I'm really glad I didn't have sex with him ... it's painful enough to let go of a *potential* partner ... for me, once I have sex, *I* am all in, and that isn't a good thing when you are on the 4th date ;) Certainly H acted as my Wingman (even though he knew my status, it's one of the reasons I held back because I don't want to go on the meds unless it's got a real chance of going forward) in this case.....

 

I'm 35 years in and I've learned to just see Herpes as another Deal Breaker. When you see it that way, you can realize that when someone "rejects" you for it, it's not about YOU but its about what they are willing to live with ... I won't date a smoker ... even if they are "perfect" in every other way. Waking to the sound of someone hacking out half a lung (been there) sucks and I don't want to watch someone I love die of lung cancer if I can help it :(

 

If you didn't disclose these links may help you to get a perspective around the process ....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Rejection:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Disclosure

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/disclosing-cold-sores-oral-herpes-hsv-1-to-potential-partners-before-kissing/

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

 

[Miji69]

Well.... Didn't do it. Had dinner, watched movies then spent the night together, fully dressed and yet more fending off and being awkward. Got the feeling this morning, he's starting to get a little confused but hasn't vocalised that. I get you @WCSDancer with Steve Harvey! I read that book, I agree with what he says to a point but I don't think even I could keep this up for 90 days without becoming a complete nervous wreck! :-) I've watched Adrials videos over and over for four weeks since I discovered this site and some of his videos on YouTube. He and you all are doing the most amazing, vital and selfless work to help muddled up and lost individuals like me. I really don't want to build this up into a "thing" before I do it, even though there are other things holding me back like our "political" debate last night watching the news! So.. I've decided that instead of going for a meal, movie, or theatre, I'm gonna just invite him over to talk about some things. That way we are both prepared for something that's not following a great night out and I have no choice but to do it........ Is this advisable? Of course, I don't expect anyone to evaluate a situation for me based on a few carefully typed words but I really don't have anyone at all I talk to about Herpes specifically... Thanks for your blessings @forgivenessandpeace ;-)

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm gonna just invite him over to talk about some things. That way we are both prepared for something that's not following a great night out and I have no choice but to do it.

 

That's a good way to do it ... just say that you know he wants to take it forward physically but you want to have a talk first to make sure you are both on the same page before you go forward. That's not a bad thing to do anyway ... one of the things you want to make sure of (besides the H talk) is that he wants to be monogamous ... that may actually be a good question to ask first ... nowadays many believe that having sex doesn't make you monogamous. So if he is not ready for that, you may not want to disclose and you have to decide if this is a relationship that you want to continue.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Miji69]

I love that advice as a way in. Thank you so much @WCSDancer... One often forgets that in the mire of all the H stuff that we have other quite pertinent issues to take care of! :-) You are truly wonderful, not just in the advice you have taken the time to give me here, but in all the posts I read where you absolutely ZONE IN to what needs to be addressed for that particular persons needs. Not generic chit chat but caring advice and love.

 

I hope after your "90 days guy" there is another wonderful person for you on the horizon, or just you... Not a bad person at all to devote your time to!

 

I'll let you know how I get on and sending those (((HUGS)))) backatcha! ;-)

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad to help ... looking forward to hearing how your talk goes :)

[ann1997]

I believe my husband was + when we met but didn't know it and I would have still dated him had he disclosed to me. I would have asked that he take antivirals and that we use protection just to be on the safe side and he absolutely would have. That being said I'm sure there are many other people out there who would be ok with dating someone H+.

[Miji69]

Thanks for the positivity Ann. :-)

[Miji69]

Hi again all... This may be getting tedious but feeling really low tonight. This has been going on for nearly two months now, at 6 or 7 dates and STILL can't do this. Have been trying to disclose for weeks now and I feel like I'm going insane. Just to update, I've been seeing this awesome guy since September. We are getting closer, hanging out, going to great places, even met some of my family out socially this weekend. We spend the night together, holding each other, kissing but I stop him from ever getting "too close". I'm feeling his frustration but at the same time he is really respectful and patient with me, perhaps because he thinks I'm just holding back for "ordinary" rules type reasons. He calls me his "girl" and that makes me feel good but I am dying inside because after so long I feel more and more like my talk will be a disaster now because of how long I've dragged this out.

 

WHY can't i do it??? As I've said I've done it before but I was a lot younger and more optimistic about life and confident about my chances in the dating pool. It took a long time to find and meet this guy and I'm terrified he'll feel betrayed after so long and even from sharing a bed with me (no sex) without knowing. I'm making this into a huge deal in my head and yes, for some reason for the first time in my H+ history! I feel like a leper :-( Sorry, my H+ friends, that is NOT what we are, I know that in my rational mind but I've gone to a bad place where I just want to run from this relationship rather than get badly hurt from a possible rejection.

 

The next date will need to be the time I do it or I fear one of us will make a decision. Sorry to be here with this AGAIN and I don't know what more help I can ask of you guys but if anyone has any thoughts or inspiration, it would help a whole lot.

 

PS.. Ironically our next date is on Halloween Night :-o

[WCSDancer2010]

@Miji69

 

Hows about telling him that next time you meet, you need to tell him something. That way, you can't cop out. Then go back and re-read this whole post and every Success Story that you can in the meantime and get yourself prepared.

 

Yes - he may "reject" you ... but he may not. He sounds like a very understanding and compassionate guy so I am sure whatever he chooses to do, he will do it with kindness.

[Miji69]

Can't believe I'm here and still stuck...

Quick recap. Been dating the same guy as above for over three months now and still haven't disclosed but taking @WCSDancer's last piece of advice and feeling awful after our last date, I sent a text today asking him over for dinner and saying I have some important stuff to chat about... Took him most of the day but he responded by saying "Yeah, we need to talk"

 

To fill you in a little further, our dates til now have been great, even meeting and hanging out with each other's friends. He calls me his girlfriend and makes plans to do lovely things all the time but when we're in bed... We were a lot more 'steamy' at the start but now we seem to have phased into something uncomfortably comfortable, both knowing what SHOULD happen but nothing happening. The cuddles and kisses used to be enough but now they feel (to me at least) like lies and deception. @Adrial talks about "that sweet spot" in disclosure and I feel I may now have missed that.. I feel so cowardly and weak. I've taken so much advice and asked for so much help here only to cower away again and hide and pretend and now find myself with a deeply difficult mission... To disclose to someone after dating too long.

Is three months too long? Have I blown it? Guess only Thursday will tell.

 

I had so many opportunities but it always felt wrong or scary to do it. He's a very funny guy and always joking so it made it hard to find my moment. Also, there were so many occasions in the way, my birthday, social events, his grandfather falling ill.

I'm not feeling positive about Thursday, especially because of his "Yeah, we need to talk" response and feel like he may just have given up. Need a little (more) support and bolstering from you guys..... AGAIN!

[Cynthia]

Hi! I get where you are at. I was married 24 years and have found myself single and dating at 47. I am quite honestly overweight and out of shape. I could dwell on my imperfections for a long time if I chose to. Part of what kept me in my sick marriage is the belief that no one would ever want me if they knew I had H. I finally had the courage to leave my ex and begin dating. I hadn't had an OB since my initial one 24 years earlier, but the stress of my divorce sent my system into overdrive. All of a sudden H was front and center. I could no longer avoid it or think maybe it would never come back. I knew if I was going to have any future relationships I would have to disclose to partners.

 

The thing I realized is H or no H I did not value myself as a lovable and worthy woman. A relationship couldn't make it better and H couldn't make it worse. I had to draw deeply from myself, take a good hard look at my thought patterns and get down and dirty honest with myself. I found out I couldn't bring anything worthwhile to a relationship until I had resolution in some of these areas of my life. I tried to blame my having an icky virus for my self esteem issues, but bottom line even without H I had very low self esteem. I took the time I needed to begin to love and accept myself flaws and all.

 

Once I had a better picture of myself dating became a possibility. I found I could recognize a healthy man and set boundaries. Disclosure became a real and tangible manifestation of the respect I have for myself and for my partner. I wasn't prepared to disclose before I did this hard work because I didn't have an accurate picture of myself. Accepting H as part of me has been a beautiful thing, just as I accept grey hair and flabby thighs. And the incredible thing is my partner sees so much more in me than those imperfections. He tells me so all the time.

 

Don't sell yourself short, do the work, don't be afraid. It all works out as it should.

[Miji69]

Wow... Thank you @Cynthia and you know I think you've hit the nail on the head. What's sticking me is probably not even herpes (I've disclosed before) it's how I perceive myself.. Single mother, middle aged, body not at its optimum. I think I have a huge problem with this because I don't feel I have enough to offer as a woman once he knows my H+ status and that has to change. I don't think I like 'me' at the moment which leaves me thinking I am completely undesirable as a woman with genital herpes. Having someone in my life who loves and accepts me warts and all seems so completely unattainable right now. Sorry if this sounds like shame and self pity and I more than anyone, know that this is completely unlike me.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Cynthia

 

This is sooooo powerful!!!

 

The thing I realized is H or no H I did not value myself as a lovable and worthy woman. A relationship couldn't make it better and H couldn't make it worse. I had to draw deeply from myself, take a good hard look at my thought patterns and get down and dirty honest with myself. I found out I couldn't bring anything worthwhile to a relationship until I had resolution in some of these areas of my life. I tried to blame my having an icky virus for my self esteem issues, but bottom line even without H I had very low self esteem. I took the time I needed to begin to love and accept myself flaws and all.

 

@Miji69

 

I think YOU have just had your breakthrough moment :) What perfect timing! I would tell him when you disclose that you just had this breakthrough as well ... odds are he's wondering what *he* is doing wrong that you don't want sex. When a man sees a woman being vulnerable, he wants to protect her and "fix" it ... but when he feels inadequate/rejected, he'll withdraw. So you have an opportunity now to help him to understand what is going on. It may or may not work out at this point .... but I believe that people are brought into your life for a reason ... and maybe he was brought to you to get you to this point so you can start the work that you need to do to learn to love YOURSELF :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Cynthia]

For some these realizations come easy, for me, not so much. But the journey is a worthwhile one and through the journey I am finding my strength. H has been a major catalyst for growth in my life. There have been other challenge that set the ball rolling. But life isn't about arriving, it is about the way we travel. This site and the posts here have helped me to keep the motion going. I am worth it.

[WCSDancer2010]

H has been a major catalyst for growth in my life.

 

This is true for so many on here ... If a person is open to the lessons AND willing to sometimes look at themselves in a way that may not always be comfortable, then the realizations will come.

 

"The Truth will set you free ... but first it may really piss you off" ;)

[Miji69]

So... It's been a while. Went through a bit of a dark phase and soaked up a lot of what I've read here and in particular all the help and kind and wise words from @WCSDancer, @Cynthia and Nick aka @NSGreenville..

I want to tell EVERYONE here your help and invaluable support has been so important to me and at times moving....

I did it! AT LAST! This weekend..

 

I'd sent a text to my friend and said we needed to meet as we had some important things to discuss. His short response that, yes, we did need to talk worried me then the day we were supposed to meet he texted to say his grandfather had suddenly passed away. Of course that took priority but then he became distant for a few days.. We met this weekend and had drinks with friends. When we got home, I just felt this overwhelming urge to tell him. I knew I couldn't go forward another day without getting this off my chest but then he began to speak...

 

He started talking about his own insecurities personally and sexually, that he became distant last week because he thought I'd lost patience and wanted to dump him. He told me something about his childhood he'd never told anyone before and that was such a brave disclosure I just flowed and began telling him that we all have something that's difficult to talk about and things that can change us and how we act in relationships forever... I got stuck again and stumbled. No tears. Not that I was fighting tears, I just trusted him enough to not be scared anymore.. He put his hand on my leg and said "You know there's nothing you could say that would change anything. I'm mad about you. I don't wanna lose you" :-)

 

So I said it " I'm carrying the herpes virus. I trust you enough now to tell you but I want you to know. I'm not gonna take you or this for granted. Ask me whatever you want about it I've has this for a long time and rarely get outbreaks but there's the risk...etc"

He put his arms around me and told me he was just relieved that I didn't want to finish with him. He actually said that he thought I was about to say HIV and that even that although much more serious, would not change his feelings for me. He thinks it's been good for both of us having this extended time getting to know each other before we have sex.

 

I cannot tell you the weight that's been lifted from my shoulders and how happy I feel. Of course I need to get him more information and perhaps talk more and we both should get tested before we take things further but I am sooooo happy!!

Without a doubt, this journey has been made easier by you guys support and love over the ocean. From the bottom of my heart I am grateful. You are all an inspiration and I hope in some small part, my experiences can help too. For the record, I'm not going anywhere because if I can do for others what you have done for me then I'll be an even happier lady :-) And woohoo! I never thought I'd say it.. It was a success!

 

Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!! :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

@Miji69

 

First - WELL DONE and CONGRATULATIONS!!! So glad you finally got up the courage to face your fears!!!

 

I want to point out something that is VERY important for anyone who is struggling with Disclosure to realize.

 

He started talking about his own insecurities personally and sexually, that he became distant last week because he thought I'd lost patience and wanted to dump him. He told me something about his childhood he'd never told anyone before and that was such a brave disclosure

 

I have a blog about Disclosure that talks about how we pretty much ALL have something we feel makes us unlovable, "less-than", unworthy, or whatever....

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

This man was just as fearful of disclosing HIS stuff to you as you were of disclosing your stuff to him. He was just as scared of losing YOU as you were of losing him. I see this a lot on here ..... this Success Story is almost a deja-vu of yours:

 

It started with this post where the guy disclosed something very personal to her (March 30th if you want to skip to that part)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2919/i-have-a-date-tomorrow-i-don039t-know-what-to-do-

 

and where @thisisgoingtobeok finally got up the courage to tell him

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said

 

You see, many people LOSE someone who would love them because that person's fears cause them to run FIRST .... before you get to disclose yourself. There's a delicate balance about timing disclosure ... because in holding off the other person will start to make up stories in THEIR head about why you may not love and accept THEM ;)

 

So very happy that you ripped that bandaid off and said you needed to talk ... sounds like you have a wonderful man there. Keep us posted.....

 

((((HUGS)))

[Miji69]

@WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you for posting my thread as a success story. It's an honour to feel that my story joins the dozens of others that gave me hope and courage.

You really are right, there is such a delicate balance in disclosing and for all the advice we take, we must try and marry that to our own individual experiences and circumstances but that is why sharing with you helped give me perspective.

Herpes being a wingman is no joke. As I sat and HE talked, I remember just being able to listen and really HEAR him and try and tune in to his pain. It tapped in to my own and I realised that without having had this invaluable time that Herpes has unwittingly given me, I would perhaps not have listened, talked too much and not allowed myself to HEAR.

We are all valuable people and we must never forget we all have the right to be loved and take the chance on love and a fulfilled life. Herpes is not the end. It's not our story. Our/my story is constantly evolving and being written.

Who knows what the future holds but I can hold my head up high and KNOW I have and will strive to act with honesty and integrity. Also forgiveness. I'm working on forgiving my giver. I know from this hard journey with someone I was afraid to lose, that not everyone is perfect. He must have had his reasons for not disclosing, as devastating as it was for me. I have to forgive or this relationship now just isn't going to work out. I believe a lack of self worth and guilt ruined the relationship with my children's father but as I said a dear friend said "do everything differently".

Thank you for always being there and responding and reaching out, not just to me but to others who struggle as I have with disclosure for whatever reason. This really is a beautiful place.

 

A quote I read today:

 

There's something about pain that makes us feel so alone

Yet it is something we ALL share.

Don't forget that.

 

;-)

[WCSDancer2010]

Herpes being a wingman is no joke. As I sat and HE talked, I remember just being able to listen and really HEAR him and try and tune in to his pain. It tapped in to my own and I realised that without having had this invaluable time that Herpes has unwittingly given me, I would perhaps not have listened, talked too much and not allowed myself to HEAR.

 

You have me grinning from ear to ear over here! I LOVE it when someone gets the lessons that herpes can give us. Well done grasshopper. :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Cynthia]

I am so happy for you! Even if your man hadn't responded the way you had hoped for, you would be ok. H has set me on a personal journey of growth and acceptance that is exciting and rewarding. I am getting myself back in this process. The essence of my nature and character are beginning to flourish. It is a beautiful thing. I believe you and many others on this website are on this similar quest. Living in a place of gratitude and acceptance is powerful and attainable. It's not easy, in fact it can be quite difficult, but the result is serenity of a sustaining sort.