Herpes disclosure gone bad

[whitedaisies]

The lesson in my disclosure story is to actually disclose to someone who you feel can handle the disclosure and give you what you need by telling them. So even though this was a failure, it was a success for you all who are thinking of doing it. Do not disclose til you feel it's the right person

 

And the fact this virus has done such physical damage has not left me very hopeful for a sexual relationship.....let alone an emotional one. So I am going off the forum for a while and will try to figure stuff out....I wish you all the best and send out much love to you. Even though I am not here responding to your posts, I am here in spirit sending you all love and support. Surround yourself with people who are authentic and give you what you need and want.

 

xoxoxoxo

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Just sent you a PM. We are all here for you. Stay strong!!

[whitedaisies]

Thanks sent PM back!

[whitedaisies]

Thank you!!!

[whitedaisies]

There is merely skin holding my body together now. Hoping to strengthen soon.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Daisy

 

The lesson in my disclosure story is to actually disclose to someone who you feel can handle the disclosure and give you what you need by telling them. So even though this was a failure, it was a success for you all who are thinking of doing it. Do not disclose til you feel it's the right person

 

Do you realize what a HUGE step that is for you to realize????? I know you feel you are falling apart but I think this may be the thing that you needed to start to move forward.

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering from the symptoms ... hopefully as you put this man behind you and you get more answers things will settle down... right now your body is under so much stress with the emotional toll it's on edge all the time. Keep trying to find ways to be at peace with yourself.... ways to calm your system and help you keep your mind of the guy AND your symptoms .... to some extent you can "re-train" your body to stop being so "sensitive" .... you have a diagnosis now so try to tell your body it can stop screaming that it's carrying a virus and learn to live with it.....

 

One day at a time friend ... and when that is too much, one hour, or one minute. It's how Alcoholics get through their days .... and it is a good tool when you are going through challenging times ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

I realized I disclosed for me and not for him

 

I disclosed so I wouldn't carry around unfinished business, so he could be a dick and I forget about the fantasy of ever ending up together with him, I got my diagnosis, hsv1 and post viral syndrome and bumps are eczema and I guess I needed disclosure to find closure. Vulvodynia specialist is next but it looks like the saga is coming to an end and now I can start beginning....

 

Thank you for all your kind and supportive words everyone...I am choosing not to be a cynic. I am like Bambi in the woods, naive and authentic and vulnerable and even though it hurts like hell to be that way when people disappoint you....I really don't want to be any other way. I don't want to put up shields and barriers o protection so I don't get hurt from people who find it easy to do that. I want to be authentic and genuine me and I will just have to get used to the hurt until one day I am surrounded by people like me or who respect who I am.

 

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

YOU GO CHICA!!! You are winning the battle!!!

[whitedaisies]

 

I am hoping there will be more positives than negatives starting to head my way....I am tired of making lemonade!

 

[whitedaisies]

Still struggling with my disclosure to te man I was in a relationship a year ago.

 

Wondering why I disclosed. Wondering why I allowed myself to be vulnerable....him walking around knowing I have h. Why didnt I just let it lie and not say anything as our sexual relationship was over anyway. There wasnt going to be any more sex.

 

I am afraid to run into him. Having slight panic attacks when I head into the city.

 

I know I am owning his failure of being human but how do I not absorb and own his failure?

 

Why do I blame myself for being authentic and vulnerable knowing he would fail at any empathy?

 

I am stuck now knowing that if he ever decides to transition, he won't reach out to me bc I have h. I am petrified of running into him. He was my first love at 40.

 

How do I own my authenticity without blaming myself for it?

[whitedaisies]

When I disclosed I shut the door on any friendship and or future sexual relationship or even how he thinks of me. I decided that when I decided to disclose.

 

I provided him with an opportunity to rise above his shit and elevate himself. He failed , he always failed. Yet I still provided him the opportunity....knowing it would hurt and not knowing how much.

 

How do I make peace with this. I think if I can make peace with it, it will take away a lot of my struggling.

[strongsmartimportant]

I'm new to this site and forum but... from what I understand, you've essentially bumped this thread for that most recent part?

If so, I've tried to catch up on some of your other posts to figure out what's going on. I'm sorry to hear about your M.E./C.F.S., I've just reached remission phase with that illness, and it's very difficult to have invisible illnesses! I hope you have time to heal and recover from everything happening to you! After the remission news, it's now a year later leaving a 6 year relationship (my giver) and am struggling with the idea of disclosure and how to absorb all of this.

I'm saying this because I want you to know you're not alone. Not one of us is alone in all of this, and we're here to let you know, you are worth everything. You're correct, instead of rising to the opportunity, he failed. You didn't. You succeeded fantastically and you still are. You are strong, smart and important (hence username), you are capable and you are wonderful. I know I'm basically a stranger, but just from reading your struggles, you are resilient and can make it through this and come out happier, better and amazing. You're doing so well already. Keep going, you WILL reach your peace with it!

I've started to dedicate a small part of my day (usually this forum) to my gshv1 so I can allocate worry time and try to forget about it the rest of the time. I try to do that with any worries as it's a good way to allow myself time to figure things out, grieve, relax, come to terms with it, understand, help others etc... whatever it is, I allow myself that time each day for my gshv1. I try not to go over 30 mins (unless it's an amazing TED talk as below) and then have a distraction ready for afterwards. Laundry folding is mine tonight so... that's showing motivation ;)

But basically, that's my plan with coming to peace with mine. I do that for other issues too and it helps.

Maybe you should get an h buddy? I'm game, but there may be someone near you you could meet, as i think just having someone to talk to in person who can relate a bit more will help a LOT. We're all here otherwise :D

If not, sorry, hope it went well anyways :)

 

Much love!

[whitedaisies]

Did u get Cfs w ur ghsv1 or was it sthng else?

 

How do you know you are in remission?

 

Thank you so much for all your words. The fact that you went back to read my previous posts to give me advice is so wonderful of you. Really! Wow, you show such a commitment to help me. Thank you.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Enormous love back!!!!

[whitedaisies]

Ok I wasn't as eloquent as I usually am BUT I was moved by your response. Hugs

[strongsmartimportant]

I got C.F.S./M.E. when I was about 15 after a bad bout of mono (ironic that that has given me more life struggles, yet no one focuses on THAT strain of herpes ;P). I know I'm in remission from that from some Dr's in the U.K. and after that news was able to continue with my life. It's a hard goal to get to and I didn't know if that day would come, 10 years is a long time and a huge struggle to have invisible illness (my mom has crohns so she could relate pretty well).

I got ghsv1 about... 4/5 years ago i think now? From my other half who had hsv1 orally and he was unaware of the ability to transmit when not with an OB. As I was in a relationship that whole time, it was only really an issue when I had an outbreak. We got some leaflets that gave incorrect information so now as I'm single and terrified of the idea of disclosure, I'm trying to be overly educated and aware. It's getting easier but man, it was like being diagnosed all over again, was very obsessive with it all (still have moments like tonight - this is due to me feeling like i must disclose to a guy I'm seeing as it's just hanging over me).

I'm kind of checking out the threads and seeing if others need help too, as it's generally moderators replying to me, would be good to be an extra person to help right? The more the merrier and all that!

No worries, your tale seemed to resonate because, well, the TED talk i forgot to link (

credit to WCSDancer2010 for posting originally?) talked about talking to yourself like a friend would.

Stop being so hard on yourself and, part of having illnesses and struggles like you do is beginning to take care of your mental hygiene (as he puts it), as it'll make dealing with it all a lot better!

I may not reply tonight due to bed but, if you need someone to talk to you can PM me or anything :)

 

Many hugs to you too!

[whitedaisies]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I guess it is mostly shock I am in. Shock that h affected me so badly. I have oral and ghsv1 and also had mono and was diagnosed with post viral syndrome or m.e. all within one year. My body has just been beaten by even included all the emotional bullshit I have and continue to be going too.

 

More people are xomig on here lately explaining their nerve pain issues with h and it's makin me feel less of an outcast.

 

It's real shock and this is my big lesson on how someone can see about you, be vulnerable with you (not even talking about sex) but emotionally vulnerable and then the next second emotionally shut down and just treat you with such emotional distance and lack of empathy.

 

I really cannot comprehend how someone can do that and that's been alot of my struggle.

 

So sweet of you to write and relate and give empathy. Even though I can't take my own advice, I give really amazing advice if you so need.

 

Xo

[strongsmartimportant]

It does sound like you've been on a giant roller coaster both physically AND mentally. You need time to grieve, to take it all in, and to let yourself adapt. It's not easy, but it's worth it!

With those illnesses you're going to exhaust yourself very easily and stress plays a HUGE part in making it worse so, my best recommendation is to do yoga (i have an app), maybe play an instrument, sing, go for a drive with music... anything to kind of, put yourself in another place? I feel TV and movies can be good for that sometimes, but something a bit more... experience based helps more.

Sorry i feel silly not knowing what you mean by xomig?

I'm recurrent all the time and am not on antivirals as I'd like my body to fight this sucker on it's own and i know it's largely due to stress right now so, i'm taking extra care to exercise, eat a bit better etc. Many are right, herpes can be a silent positive to make us really question ourselves in what we want, who we want, and to take care of ourselves more.

People that shut down emotionally like that are not capable of being with you regardless. You need someone stronger, more resilient and empathetic. You would be the emotionally strong one all the time and, frankly, you're already coping great with these diagnoses. Your body understands what's going on and is reacting accordingly. Spend some time on you today!

You can't comprehend shutting down on someone like that because you have integrity, loyalty and compassion on your side. Not everyone has all 3, and not all people have courage. Know that, you clearly have more to offer than anyone who rejects you.

I don't believe this whole 'herpes is a preference' thing because, i think most are unaware and it's kind of an 'ignorance is bliss' kind of thing. If everyone was getting tested how we should, not being blind, all of us here would be in a better world (although the medical world is at fault for not testing in STD panels).

 

Sorry for my essay aha.

 

:D

[whitedaisies]

I loved your essay!

 

Wish I could hug u in person.

 

Xomig=coming. I type too fast on my phone lol

 

Grieving over ur physical health and a lost love hurts more deeply than I ever thought possible. Maye that's why I avoided it my whole life I dunno. Grieving sucks!!!

 

Thank you for all your words they mean so much.

[whitedaisies]

Also with ur partner with oral hsv1, did u use suppressive meds and codoms for sex? I know the odds are low you giving it back to him genitally but with feeling contagious all the time and lots of symptoms I am still scared to transmit. Also I don't know his statust if he has oral hsv1 but his previous long term partner had it so he figures he does. He's not really concerned about it but I still am petrified. Giving it to him orally I am ok with. You kiss a stranger you could get it BUT giving it to him genitally would be really hard for me emotionally bc my body didnt deal well with this. Which doesn't mean his will be the same.

 

I can't deny myself sex forever and anytime I have sexual activity I always do a 3 week countdown and subtlely ask him how he's feelings to see if he has symptoms.

 

I really find it hard to imagine I will be as carefree about sex again.

 

 

[strongsmartimportant]

Well, when I got it, we were given incorrect information from the clinic on the leaflets, which just said it was only transmissible when he had an active sore (which I've realised now, is what MOST people think) so we just avoided that. As for cross-transmission after looking on this site, as it was the same strain I don't believe that happens. 1 and 2 can cross over yes, but... not so much with 1 and 1, and 2 and 2?

[whitedaisies]

Ok thanks.

 

I am still nervous.

[WCSDancer2010]

(((HUGS)) friend....

 

Sounds like you are slipping back into obsessive (and unhelpful) thinking ... beating yourself up and allowing fear to run your thoughts ... and to some extent, your LIFE ....

 

So - which acronym for FEAR are you going to CHOOSE (and you may have to "choose" it every day ... even many times a day)

 

Forget Everything And Run

Face Everything And Rise

 

You did the right thing - you told him, you tried to educate him. You were in integrity. And he turned out to be a jerk. And now you self flagellate because you did the right thing??? I remember when you told him - it took a LOT for you to get the courage to talk to him about it .... KNOWING that odds were he'd show his "jerk" colors .... but you did it anyway. You should be PROUD of yourself! You showed that you are a FAR bigger person than he will ever be.

 

I had my first real taste of a deep love that was rejected in my early 40's too ... I was a wreck for about a year .... enrolled myself into some personal growth seminars and started to look at myself and discover all kinds of things about myself (good and not so good) and really focused on being HONEST with myself while also being KIND to myself as well ... and, well, 10 yrs later, I'm here, the Forum Mom doing things I never could have seen myself doing back then.

 

Point being: Keep working on yourself. Keep pulling back the layers of the onion. You have done some AMAZING work in the last year. You certainly are not the woman who came on here all that time ago. You are fierce and amazing and FAR stronger than you realize.

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

It's hard to be vulnerable and then be rejected by a love one.

 

I am still workin on it.

[WCSDancer2010]

Remember - "Rejection" isn't about YOU ... it's about another's opinions/beliefs/education (about the topic/issue)/cultural beliefs, etc .... AND their ability/desire to learn and grow and live in a place of empathy and understanding and love. When you REALLY get that, rejection won't matter to you ... you will see it for what it is ... a reflection on THEM, not you :)