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tired of keeping herpes a secret....

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Hi everybody I'm new to this cite and I really need some advice...I've had herpes for 5years but I haven't told anybody yet and I haven't been dating or anything either. I'm 20 years old now and There is a guy that I started talking to about 3 or 4months ago and I wanted to tell him a while ago but I don't really know what to say. A few days ago i told him there was something I needed to tell him. I wrote this long letter out because I am terrified to tell him to his face and I know I'm probably gonna cry and I don't wanna freak him out too bad...but on the other hand idk if it is a good idea to give him the letter because he is the type that likes to talk about everything in person ...I'm also scared because I feel like maybe I waited too long to tell him...I haven't had sex with him or anything but I did stay the night at his house one night and he did ask me to be his girlfriend but I didn't give him an answer ....idk what to do he is not pressuring me to have sex or anything but i know he definitely wants to nd he brought up me being his girlfriend again but I don't wanna say yes (even though I want to be his girlfriend) because now I feel like I'm lying to him..... This is usually when I stop talking to a guy to avoid this situation either that or he gets annoyed nd stops talking to me ...this situation has been making me really sad lately.... I would just like to hear what everybody else has to say

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Hi. Glad u reached out. I am no expert on disclosing but I really feel for you and I am giving you a hug right now and I hope u can feel it!


Ok down to business....lol....I am so happy you like this guy and it's wonderful that he likes talking things out in person......very mature and I think indicates he is ok with some vulnerability.


So don't give him the letter....if he likes talking things out in person....u are starting disclosure off on wrong foot and I would say if he wants you to be his gf and u want him to be ur bf u got to start leaping......don't keep denying ur self bc u are afraid, u could be missing a great guy. And if u have herpes u got to get used to having this vulnerable talk and if he likes u, seeing how upset u are and how much u like him will warm his heart. Doesn't mean he will accept h but could mean he accepts YOU. Hope that makes sense.


Now dancer will respond with some great advice so listen to her.


I would suggest have ur letter with u at disclosure to comfort u.


We are all here cheering you on!


Make sure you have the stats and info printed out on here for transmission risks etc. dancer will give links or u can search.


If u think this is the right guy and u know him well enuff to know he will be respectful of u hen I say go for it!


Good luck x

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Do you have H1 or H2? I have come up with 2 ways to approach it depending on which one you have.... I'll add them below ... but this is what I advise people: (((HUGS)))


Let them know you have something personal to share, and that you are doing so because you have got to a point where you feel you can entrust them with this information.


Also let them know that you want to start with honesty and openness, and that you need to share this with them because you care for them and this is something that has the potential to affect them, and that you need to discuss it now because you feel the relationship is moving towards sexual intimacy and you want to put this on the table before that happens.


Be confident in yourself and your knowledge of the facts... or at least have the handouts with you so you can refer to them and give them to your partner to take home and use for reference.


Make sure to direct them to places like this site, my blog, the CDC's site, Westover Heights and other trusted, RELIABLE sources ... direct them AWAY from Google images and the Yahoo groups where all the Debbie Downers hang out.


Give them permission after to take as much time to research and consider their response.


Whatever happens, don't take anything they say or do personally if it's negative. Odds are, it's their ignorance (because we all know that the education about H is pretty pathetic) or their fear of something marring them in some way (very possible if they are OCD/hypochondriac/anxious).


You can also point out that the risk of getting H from someone who KNOWS they have Herpes is far less than most of the population because 80% of people with H don't know they have it ...and that the vast majority of cases are from asymptomatic carriers or people who have been led to believe that they can't pass it on without an OB and thus don't need to tell a partner as long as they don't engage in sex during an OB.


Make sure that you don't wait till the clothes are off to tell someone either (and it happens all too often!) because that is how poor decisions are made then the person has regrets AND is scared silly ... rather than making a well thought out choice to be with you.


Approach it with confidence and a trust that it will work out as it is meant to..... because that really is all you can do anyway


Also download the e-book on disclosure and the handouts. Great place to start with getting your mind wrapped around how the talk can actually bring you closer instead of driving them away.



Sample Disclosure talks:


Disclosing GHSV2 - "I want to start this relationship with honesty and openness…. so I have something to tell you. You know the cold sores people get on their lips? I get a similar thing down there. Both are the Herpes virus. If I take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms, and we don't touch me when I have any signs, we can reduce the risk of you getting it down to less than 2% ... If we use both it would be less than 1%. Given that 80% of people have herpes, you may have it and not know unless you specifically asked for the test anyway. I really like you and if we get physical I will do everything in my power to keep you from getting it. And in a way, I am safer than most because I KNOW I have it and how to manage it. Most people like me got it from someone that didn't know they have it or we were lied to.


Disclosing GHSV1 : Simplest way is to say "You know the cold sores people get on their lip? I get them down there. So if you've had a cold sore, you may have the antibodies and it would be difficult for you to get it from me. If you are not sure, then we need to be careful ... HSV1 doesn't shed much but I can take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms until you get tested. 80% of people have HSV1 so you may have it and not know" …so it would be best if you get tested first so you know for sure. Here's a handout that has some statistics if you are interested...



Herpes facts video


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Ok so today he brought up the letter and he really wanted it and wasn't really talking no for an answer. He said he wants to read it and we can talk about what ever it is after he reads it so after a while I gave in and gave him the letter. That was at about 11am today and I still haven't heard anything from him...should I reach out to him maybe text him or something? I mean I don't want to rush him or anything and I want him to take as much time as he needs but I'm going crazy here lol ...I really like him and wanna know what he has to say or is it safe to assume he no longer wants to talk to me?

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