Work and stigma

[ivoryrain]

Hey, everyone!

 

I work for a developmental center. One of our residents has genital herpes. On multiple occasions I have heard my coworkers talking about it.

 

This was the conversation a few days ago:

Coworker 1: I try to stay out of [resident's unit] because that's where all of the MRSA and hepatitis are. I don't want to be exposed to that.

Coworker 2: And herpes! Don't forget the herpes!

1: What???

2: Yeah, [Resident] has herpes!

1: What? Oh my god I didn't know! How did he get it?

2: I have no idea.

 

It made me feel so bad about myself and for the resident because they were obviously grossed out by it. I suspect that this resident is a victim of sexual abuse because he has severe cerebral palsy and is confined to a wheelchair - he has minimal movement in his extremities. I doubt that he could have intercourse in his condition, so it made me feel so awful that he likely contracted this as a result of abuse and the staff continue to react this way. It's so unprofessional.

 

Then I, of course, feel bad about myself because I have genital herpes, and they're talking about this right in front of me. They obviously have no idea that I have it. I almost disclosed to them because I can't be the only person with herpes who they've said this in front of. I want them to be more careful with their words and let them know how common it is. I didn't say anything because there is a lot of gossip that goes on at work. I want it to be my choice who I disclose to and who I don't disclose to.

 

How would you handle this situation?

[WCSDancer2010]

I almost disclosed to them because I can't be the only person with herpes who they've said this in front of.

 

Why didn't you say it then? If you tell someone, and you are out, then it stops the gossip dead... especially if you can educate people so that they realize how ignorant and hurtful they are being. THEY, of ALL people, need to learn some empathy and I would point that out to them.

 

I get people want to "choose" who they tell. BUT, you can't have it both ways. (Well, you CAN, if you think you could take the person aside and give them the facts and trust them to keep it to themselves). I'm 100% out. Everywhere. Home, Facebook, Dating Profiles. And all I get is support and love from everyone. I believe that because I have taken a stand for *My* truth around this, it removes any ammunition that anyone who is "ugly" might try to use. I've taken a few FB friends to task who have posted Herpes jokes and asked them to remove them and explained that while *I* don't care, it's VERY hurtful to those who have it.... and every one has removed their post.

 

So how would *I* handle it? I'd start an education campaign about STD's for the staff... help them to understand that they are likely exposing themselves to everything they fear in the ward when they are dating because of the testing protocols set by the CDC. Print out the Handouts and hand them out and have a few copies of the E-book handy. And tell those staff that made the comment that odds are at least one of them has H either orally or genitally ;)

 

Again, if you are not willing to come out, perhaps you can take them aside and talk to them, give them the handouts, and educate them. If you are really fearful of their reaction, perhaps you can print out the handout and ebook for each and leave it in their cubby/desk for them to read. ;)

 

SILENCE feeds stigma. ANYTHING is better than nothing. I personally have become so empowered by coming out. I fear nothing and noone now. I finally got that it doesn't matter what people say about me, *I* know who I am.

 

My mother used to say Sticks and Stones may break your bones but Names can never harm you. Noone told me that those names could only hurt me if *I* allowed them to. I get that now. Thanks Mom .... I finally got the message :)

[ShaeShae]

I got something like that at work recently too. My conversation went a little like this:

 

Coworker: Going to the home football game tonight? It's supposed to be a good one...

Me: Actually, I was thinking about it. I know my parents are going. But I know my dad's friend [name] is bound to be there and he tends to make me pretty uncomfortable.

Coworker: How so?

Me: Well, he's really "touchy feely" a lot of the time. Always has to pinch and poke on other women. With his wife right there and she never says anything! I don't get it.

Coworker: Well, just try not to sit anywhere near him. Or if you do and he starts getting handsy with you, just tell him you have something gross. . . Like herpes!

 

Whaaaaaa?!?!!? The words "But I do" nearly fell right out of my mouth at that moment. But she shares a somewhat confined workspace with me. And I can't go the rest of whatever knowing that she thinks I am "gross".... I had to get up and walk away for a bit, whereupon my coworker who does know came out with me to comfort me as I quickly became visibly upset. It has been nothing short of uncomfortable ever since, knowing that in her own ignorant, childish way, she is judging me and all my kind as "gross" and literally untouchable! Not just intimately, but in every way! I will not take on the responsibility of educating her. Her ignorance, stupidity and insensitivity leave me speechless.

[Beachdude1984]

Noticed this as well. Females seem to be especially vicious about herpes, with "omg ewww gross!" the prevailing reaction. Sorry you gals got your feelings hurt.

[WCSDancer2010]

And I can't go the rest of whatever knowing that she thinks I am "gross"..

 

Why do you LET her ignorance affect you. It says NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about her! Be thankful that she showed you who she is .. now you know. Don't EVER give anyone that kind of power! Pity the fool, but don't let her ignorance hurt YOU ;)

 

You don't HAVE to educate anyone. But I realized after 35 years that the stigma was getting WORSE because no one is taking a stand and there's no education out there. For me, my silence was part of the problem so speaking out has become how I can become part of the solution.

 

Again, perhaps you can just anonymously leave some info on her desk with a note that she needs to get educated about STD's .... because there's a good chance that she actually has one herself ;)

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Beachdude

 

Believe me, men can be just as vicious ... especially about anything that may mar their junk .... I've heard some pretty nasty comments from men about Herpes too :(

[ivoryrain]

@WCSDancer2010

 

We don't have desks or anything like that. I would have to directly hand it out to people or maybe pin it to a bulletin board where we all clock in at. Maybe I could speak with someone in grounds (supervisors who coordinate our schedules and the individual units, etc.) and suggest some sort of education. The funny thing is that we JUST had to go through a 4-hour training session about not bullying people lol. You'd imagine they would realize that they shouldn't say things like this.

 

My biggest fear is that this resident will overhear what the staff are saying. He suffers from severe depression and suicidal ideation. That is the last thing he needs - to overhear the very people who are supposed to be taking care of him talk about him in a disgusted way. We are the only people that he has.

 

I think that the next time I hear something, I'll probably disclose. I'm not embarrassed about having H; I just don't want people to say terrible things about me. I highly doubt that will happen, though, because as the youngest worker by several years, everyone treats me like their daughter/little sister.

[Beachdude1984]

Dancer, I'm quite sure men can be just as mean. It's not my intention to turn this into a men vs. women thing. I've just noticed in any setting (work, social, or otherwise) when herpes comes up, women tend to have a more visceral reaction, while men tend to chuckle, shoulder shrug, and change the subject. Clearly, society as a whole is grossly ignorant about this virus.

[WCSDancer2010]

I just don't want people to say terrible things about me. I highly doubt that will happen, though, because as the youngest worker by several years, everyone treats me like their daughter/little sister.

 

I find that if you take a CONFIDENT stand, you get the upper hand .... people only bully and belittle those who they feel they have power over ... once you make it obvious that you know your stuff and that they are ignorant, they will most likely shut up ... or come ask you for information when they realize they are at HIGH risk of getting it themselves because of their ignorance :p

[ivoryrain]

@inka

 

I would, but there's a huge thing about not being a snitch. If you snitch about something relatively minor (i.e. anything that doesn't involve physically/sexually abusing residents), you can be set up by coworkers. They can cause a resident to attack you. I don't work with the typical developmentally disabled population - the majority of the residents are dangerous criminals - violent assaults, arson, rape, murder - found incompetent to stand trial. Multiple staff have received tramautic brain injuries, needed reconstructive surgery, etc. from being attacked. It could be very dangerous to report them. I do plan on calling them out as my first step. I'm ashamed that I don't have the courage to report this, but I'd be fearful of being set up, especially because I'm the youngest and smallest staff.

 

@WCSDancer2010

 

Pretty much everyone I've disclosed to were full of questions and, needless to say, paranoid that they may be at risk because they were so ignorant about how prevalent H is. I'll likely end up blurting it out sooner or later when I get angry enough about their behavior.

[WCSDancer2010]

Lovely ... so they allow you to work in a situation that supports bully mentality. And these people are in charge of mentally incompetent people. Charming. Hate to ask this but why would you want to work there? Sounds highly dangerous, highly stressful, and terribly run. :(

[ShaeShae]

@WCSDancer2010 I think the greater majority of her ignorance and stupidity comes with the territory of who she is as a person. She is a Jehovah's Witness. Her whole world revolves around her completely self-righteous purity and untainted "godliness" or whatever. I think she is wholly unaware of how judgemental and hurtful a culture she resides in. There is no educating her.

[ivoryrain]

@inka

 

That's pretty much how I figured I'll handle it.

 

@WCSDancer2010

 

I had no idea it was like that until I was hired. I don't know if it's still like that, as administration has been getting rid of those types of people, but I'm sure there are still some lurking. That's why we had to have the whole training on bullying lol. I think some people just work with the developmentally disabled as a way to feel powerful :( But ultimately, bettering my residents' lives outweighs the risk for me. It really is an enjoyable job, e end if some of my coworkers are not enjoyable :P

[ann122]

the other day a girl I work with (who is the same age as me, and also very promiscuous i must say), said that she had a pimple near her mouth and was all worried. She goes "omg it looks like herpes! ugh my life would be over if I had herpes, can you imagine!?".

 

I was literally speechless. YES I CAN IMAGINE BECAUSE I HAVE IT YOU ASSHOLE. To be honest, this girl has literally has had sex with guys she randomly meets out, without condoms, on more than one occasions. Not saying this condescendingly because I'm not one to judge for this. I have had sex with like 4 people in my life and was always careful and I have herpes. It took everything in me to not smack her. Shes so ignorant, I would have said something but shes ridiculously gossipy. So no thanks to that.

 

People are morons.

[ann122]

Also a huge chance she has it and doesnt know, which I'm aware of. But regardless, no need to say something like that.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ann122

 

I would have just casually said "Well I read in an article that 80% of the population has Oral Herpes and 80% don't know they have it, so maybe you should get that checked out"

 

;)

[ann122]

@wcsdancer2010 touche.

[MMissouri]

I can relate to this. I hear nasty comments about our patients who get STD testing done at the hospital where I work. We do not do the testing but we send them out, and the patients call because they are frantic about their results. I can relate, apparently my coworkers can't.

 

Recently a coworker had a cotton swab stuck up her nose and I asked what she was doing. She said it was the season for "herpbastian" to visit. Huh? I was so lost but apparently she gets cold sores in her nose. (New one for me! I looked it up and it's HSV1) Anyway, she was going on about how she must have been smacked by a dirty d*ck when she wasn't looking because she has no idea how she contacted herpes in her nose. I could tell that she was joking but yet embarrassed so I said (thanks to this forum) that it was a simple skin condition and so many people have it I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Another coworker chimed in and said she gets cold sores on her mouth. I was starting to get comfortable and said that my husband gets those, it's really more widespread than we know. Fast fwd 10 minutes and the bomb dropped...both of them started cracking jokes about genital herpes. How gross they are and thankfully they didn't have it "there". I was still feeling pretty confident so I said it's the same virus just a different location. They were not going for that.. genital herpes is just nasty- shut me right up.

The next day a phlebotomist came in with her mouth broke out, instant sympathy from me...instant jokes from the others (those that had it) and the jokes were- hey, it's just a "skin condition", they'd look at me, and bust up laughing.

 

As far as the genital herpes jokes go, a part of me thinks they are doing it because they are embarrassed because they have one- looking down on what they think makes them look better- those that have two.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to be more confident like WCS, but I'm not there yet.

[WCSDancer2010]

@MMissouri

 

Anyway, she was going on about how she must have been smacked by a dirty d*ck when she wasn't looking because she has no idea how she contacted herpes in her nose. I could tell that she was joking but yet embarrassed so I said (thanks to this forum) that it was a simple skin condition and so many people have it I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

 

Actually she probably got it as a kid, got one on her mouth, picked the scab and then picked her nose .... so now you have one on her ;)

 

Hows about printing out the CDC info (which keeps your connection more generic) for all your ignorant co-workers .... it will show them that H1 CAN end up down south .... I'd just say something like "I don't think you took me seriously when I said that your cold sores can be the same thing as what you get down south ... so I figured I'd print this out for you ... because if you like giving Oral Sex, you could give it to your BF's and lovers ... and I'd HATE to see that happen to you"

 

There's more than one way to skin a cat :)

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

 

Highlight this:

 

The overall prevalence of genital herpes is likely higher than 16.2%, because an increasing number of genital herpes infections are caused by HSV-1. Increases in genital HSV-1 infections have been found in patient populations worldwide. 2

[MMissouri]

She's never had it on her mouth, but I've read oral herpes can show up in your nose. (and throat etc, since it's all connected)

 

I love those tips! Ty!