Confused- being with a partner that does have herpes versus one that doesn't

[kate33]

I'm still trying to cope with having herpes and not knowing who gave it to me. Despite what he believes, I'm pretty positive my current partner gave it to me. It has both ruined our relationship yet made our bond unbreakable.

 

Not sure what to do at this point, the relationship is failing, and as a result of herpes our sex life is horrid now. He doesn't look at me the same. Doesn't want me like he did before. And vice versa, I look at him like he's scum for giving me herpes.

 

I suppose the question to ask is it easier to be with someone that has herpes also? I feel like that's the only way I can receive the emotional support and love I need.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey, so has your bf been tested? I think that should be priority number one. He could be carrying the virus without showing any symptoms, and if so, this could clarify a lot for you guys. If he is refusing to get tested, then that is a huge indicator, herpes or not, he will never be the supportive guy you need. And if he can't willingly support you through this, imagine when life really gets hard. Concerning your question... No, dating someone with herpes also won't necessarily give you the emotional support and love you need. Sure, they might be able to relate, but I think it all comes down to the person you are with, and there are lot of H- people who will openly accept you, love you and give you the support you need, for herpes and other adversities. Take time to read through the success stories; there are plenty of examples there. If you are newly diagnosed, please understand that you will need time to heal from all of this, and come to terms with the diagnosis. This might initially cause a rift in your relationship, but if you work through it together, you might just find even greater love and appreciation for one another. If not, we are all here to offer you the support you need. Take time to heal, to forgive, to accept and love yourself anyways. It doesn't happen over night, but it will be the game changer here. Sending you lots of love.

[WCSDancer2010]

@kate33

 

I suppose the question to ask is it easier to be with someone that has herpes also? I feel like that's the only way I can receive the emotional support and love I need.

 

Nope ... it's easier to be with someone who ACCEPTS you and the virus, who LOVES you unconditionally, and who will DO WHAT IS NECESSARY (get tested/ get therapy/etc) to make the relationship work.

 

It doesn't seem that your current BF is capable of any of that. And down the road, just because you might date someone with H doesn't meant they will be able to fill that criteria either....

 

You most certainly CAN find love and support with a H- person, as well as with a H+ person. What Herpes is doing right now is acting as your Wingman... showing you this man in his true colors ... not saying he's necessarily a "bad" person, but seemingly incapable of doing what he needs to do (get tested) and accept that *maybe* he has Herpes too ... and even if he doesn't have it, he's now judging you in some way for something that one in 4 or 5 of his friends and family likely has.

 

Check out these links ... they may help you understand more about the Wingman POV that we encourage here :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

[MMissouri]

Is it easier? For me it was. My situation sounds similar to yours. I married the guy I was with but things have been rocky lately, so I ask myself the same question. Should I limit myself to people with only H? Because that is what it would be doing, limiting my options. I guess that depends on what you need from your next partner. You can get emotional support from anywhere- a friend, this forum, etc. But love?

 

Sorry, I'm not much help! All I can say is easier is not always better.

[WCSDancer2010]

All I can say is easier is not always better.

 

Great point @MMissouri :)