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Too painful to admit

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Let me start by saying that I am a very active and fit 48 year old man. I have spent a lifetime respecting my body and mind and although I have had many experiences unprotected I have never contracted anything at all.


Jan 15 2013 i went to the STD clinic because I got a rash that seemed a bit odd, no other effects just the rash. I asked the DR to please do blood work as I was concerned as to what this was. He checked me out and ruled that it was not herpes, however decided to run blood work on everything. To my delight days later it all came back negative and I went along on my merry way.


Shortly thereafter I met the woman that I quickly fell in love with, we made love sooner than expected and shared our test results...all was wonderful. May of the same year we return from Mexico and she has a terrible urinal inflammation and a small zit like pimple that quickly disappeared, me well I came back with the good old rash. Needless to say, both freaked out we go to the clinic for a complete check up. She approaches her Dr and asks full screening on STD's, me I go to the STD clinic and do the same. Luckily I still have the residual of the rash that can now be swabbed, something that I have to convince the Dr to do as he was 100% certain that it was nothing other than an inflammation of some sort. I come back with my paperwork all jolly cause I am negative and she comes back with a A ok from her Dr saying that she had no STD.


A month later my rash comes back, worse than ever...I wait it out hoping that it is nothing only to see it poke its ugly head nearly 1 month after that. Im at a loss as to whats going on and head back down to the STD clinic for an other check up. They run my blood work and the answer finally arrives...positive.


It took me sometime to digest what was happening, I was angry confused and certain that the love of my life had lied to me, I kept it to myself at first, uncertain what to make of the whole situation, watching to see if she would have the symptoms that I was experiencing. One day in an awful fight I blurted it out pointing the finger of shame at her, I was done she had crossed the line where there is no return.


She went back to her Dr. asking all the questions just to hear the Dr tell her that herpes is not tested in a regular STD screening. She was sorry, confused and angry at the world, I held her tight and told her it would be ok and that we would get thru it, lied to her saying that it didn't matter. The thing is that it did matter to me and I felt betrayed, lied to.


The relationship simply went from bad to worse, we started to fight for everything. I would look at her with accusing eyes and she slowly started to do the same. Somewhere along the way, gut feeling, research, feminine intuition she decided that I had given it to her.


As i look back and I try to recollect the events that brought me to the place, I understand that it was I that brought the virus into the relationship, carrying my blood work as a flag of victory, she told me that her Dr had stated that blood work and the antibodies can take up to 3 months to build up...she tried to explain to me that the possibility existed that I was at fault but I wanted no part in it.


She is gone now, on her way to bigger and better things and I sit here in self pity wondering what could have been different. The virus in itself plays such a small part in the demise of our relationship, it was the stand that I took against her not wanting to listen or understand that there could be an other truth other than the one that I stubbornly placed in my head.


Im sorry my love

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Sadly our health care system - most specifically the CDC, doesn't get the devastation that their policies and lack of education brings to people when they find out that not only do they have herpes, but that they have given it to someone else... and often lost that person along the way. True, it's not the "fault" of herpes .... BUT... one of the typical reactions to diagnosis is denial ... and THAT was what started you down the road to the break-up.


I agree with @ITSB.... perhaps you can reach her and at least apologize and restore your integrity. If nothing else, you may find some sort of closure ... and maybe, just maybe, you may restore some trust and feelings with her....and then let things work out as they will...




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@lookingforanswers, my heart broke for you when I read this post... because I hear such regret in your words, and I feel the depth of your pain. I hope she reads this and hears your heart, because love, the love you are describing is a rarity, and it should never be taken for granted. However, we are all human, and we hurt, and in trying to heal our pains, we hurt others, unknowingly. Please forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, and take some time to love yourself again, because no one is perfect. Try to find the lessons here, because there is always an opportunity to grow from something that hurts us deep inside. And be grateful, that even though she might not come back, you had the opportunity to know her, to love her deeply, to experience those thrilling emotions. Life is unpredictable, and we don't know when our time will be up... be grateful for the joys, the laughter, the experiences that brought you two together, and made you fall in love... but then let it go, let fate decide whether you were actually mean to be, because that's all you can do right now. Your heart will heal, if you let it.

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