I'm feeling pretty bad.

[golddust086]

I can't sleep. It's 3 A.M. and I am making a vow to myself to get on everyday and read some discussions and try to help anyway I can. I have been feeling a bit depressed. I think it started when I tried to talk to someone close to me about now being pregnant and they said, "oh well, you can't have a normal pregnancy...and you can't breast feed now or have a natural birth because you have herpes." The way they said it was so matter of fact. As if it were so impossible to have a Normal Pregnancy. And I've heard that from two people now. I am not going to lie, I hung up the phone and I cried. My sisters seem so worried about me being pregnant now. One of them keeps insisting that I file charges against my ex for "giving me herpes." I tell them that it is very hard to prosecute someone under those circumstances and even with that, I don't want to. How am I to know if he knew he had it and if he did, it wasn't like I was virgin before him...I could have it longer and was never tested for it. But, I think I got it from him. He was the only person I was with when this started coming up... I mean who knows at this point. What's the use in being hostile and wanting revenge.

It feels like a pain in my chest and in my stomach and I worry about stress and how this will all play out. I want so badly to have a healthy baby. I don't like feeling like I'm hurting the baby in some way or being paranoid of a breakout. I don't like people being ignorant, but I have to contain my emotions because it's not their fault that they don't know the facts. Everyone wants to give their two cents and play doctor and say "Well, I researched it and you just can't have a normal pregnancy and you can definitely get the ball rolling on filing charges. It's not too late to get that S.O.B." Even if they "mean well." it sounds so impolite and it makes want to shake them and tell them to shut up because they don't know anything.

I feel like I made a mistake and people just look so shocked or disgusted and want to say the first thing that flies out of their mouth without thinking how I feel.

I press my hands against my stomach and apologize because these past two days, I just feel like I did something wrong. My family said well, you should have not been having sex without protection...and I think, what hypocrites. I know none have them have ever asked their partners about STD's or better yet, I know they have felt as if they loved and trusted someone completely and when that person hurts them they don't expect it...that is how I feel knowing I loved someone so deeply and I didn't want to let them go, but I now have this. And I have other examples, but why does it have to get to being so mean? And they are scared to get to tested for it. They can sit around and judge me without any mirror reflection of the things they won't acknowledge. It really makes me sad and I cry sometimes about it because I want them to know I love them, but they are hurting me. My sister even offered to buy my baby and said well, don't get attached to it just yet...she said she was joking bc she can't have kids, but I know she meant it as if it to say I screwed up bc I got herpes and who knows how I'll raise my child....I mean, wtf??? It made me feel like a bad person.

I have learned to brush off their comments and not react, but when it comes to talking about me being pregnant and making decisions, HSV has to come up. I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying this and I am on my own, but with certain people there is just no getting around it.

It makes me feel like crap and I don't want to cry or feel worked up...but I can't help but worry, what if I am doing something wrong? Do I seriously need to cut ties and think about what type of people I want in my life for the sake of my child now and for me? Am I going to want that negativity in our lives? Should I seriously, stop talking to my family? They are big decisions and they aren't ones that I want to make. It hurts. Is there ever too high of a price to deprive a child of a family because they don't except me having HSV? I think so. I don't want to do this.

[JessikaRabbit89]

Wow...I may not be pregnant, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, down to the T. My cousin who also has HSV has had 2 kids since her diagnosis and both of them were born naturally with no health problems. People are just not informed enough on the matter, or they read online and look at the worst case scenarios and relate it to your situation, which may not always be the case. I know family can sometimes be your biggest judgers, I still haven't told certain family members because I feel they will react ignorantly on the matter. Even some friends have said "you should press charges because he gave you an incurable disease" blah blah but to me it really isn't worth it. People contract HSV every single day, and I'm sure he didn't purposely give it to me. Its just the consequences we are dealt with for partaking in risky situations. I know you are hurting, I don't blame you. I also know you are strong and you can get through this, because you have a precious gift growing inside of you, and you need to be the best version of yourself so they can grow up and be as strong and courageous as you are :) I learned to let the negative things people say go through one ear and out the other. They aren't living our lives, so who are they to speak on this issue? You will get through this. I'm sure your family means no harm. They are just concerned for you and your baby's well-being. Just look at it that way. I hope this helps you abit. Keep your head up, beautiful :)

[ivoryrain]

This absolutely breaks my heart to read. I'm sorry you're dealing with this reaction *hugs*

 

Just remember that they don't understand what H is and isn't. You can still breastfeed. As far as I know, HIV is the only one that can be passed through breast milk (maybe hepatitis too?). You can have a "normal" pregnancy. The only thing that will be different is that you will have extra monitoring of your symptoms, which will likely just be a visual examination and questions about if you've felt any prodromes/have had any OBs. You can deliver vaginally. The only reason why you may need a C-section is if you have an OB during or too close to your delivery. You may be on antivirals during the last 4 weeks of your pregnancy to reduce the chances of that happening.

 

@WCSDancer2010 had children after contracting H and did not pass it to them. I'm sure she can shed more light on this for you.

 

If they are bringing you down too much, even after you explain in detail what H is and isn't (try the handouts) and how much they're hurting you, you may need to cut ties (temporarily or permanently) for your own mental health. You have to do what's best for YOU and your baby. Also, let them know that google is a terrible, terrible thing with lots of inaccuracies and that they should stay away from it unless they use websites such as CDC, NIH, etc. Maybe try just ignoring them when they make comments - do not react whatsoever, don't even look in their direction, act as if you didn't hear it. Eventually they may get the hint that way. If you ignore them, they can't come back with, "But...I read this...," etc.

 

I really hope that things get better for you!

[WCSDancer2010]

@golddust086

 

First - so sorry that this joyous time is being marred by the well meaning but hurtful things people are saying. Try to remember 2 things:

 

1) You are hormonal now. Pregnancy often makes us more sensitive, and it can make us question whether things we are experiencing can harm the baby. If you accept that you may be more "touchy" about things it will help you to ride through the rough spots.

 

2) They mean well, but they are ignorant. Odds are the ones who looked things up found all kinds of scary shit on Google.

 

Hows about writing them all a letter.... explain that while you appreciate all their well-meaning thoughts and comments about how herpes may affect your pregnancy, that you have done your research, talked to the Dr, talked to women (ie, myself) who have had natural deliveries and breastfed and have very healthy H- adult children now, and that you would like for them to know that you would appreciate it if they would trust YOU and your doctor to do what is right for you and your baby. Tell them you love them dearly but right now the support you need is to just be supported and loved like they would if you didn't have herpes.

 

Whatever their reaction to that, you need to also know that all their "help" is coming from a good, well meaning place. AND, you don't have to take anything personally ... THAT is a choice.

 

You can also call a spade a spade when someone starts to tell you you shouldn't have had sex without a condom. I would personally ask them straight up... "Have you actually SEEN *all* of your partners STD tests and made note of their herpes status? Have you NEVER had sex without a condom with someone without seeing their STD status? Do you KNOW that you can still get herpes with a condom? AND ... do you KNOW *for sure* your Herpes status, because odds are you have never been tested and 80% of carriers are clueless that they have it because they are asymptomatic. If you do this, say it all calmly and matter-of-factly...looking them straight in the eye with the confidence of someone who actually knows that odds are the majority, if not all, have never been tested. ;)

 

Don't let them get to you. None of this is about you.... it's about them, their concern AND their ignorance. You know the facts, and that is all that matters. ;)