Does it ever get easier?

[Cmph]

I was diagnosed with H. almost a year ago. It was kind of a dramatic situation, where i was hospitalixed for about two weeks. My immune system got really weak and my fever got dangerously high. It got so bad that my organs started to show sign of failing, i could have died any minute. It was only the beginning, the psychological damages was yet to come. Right after i found out i got H. i was suprisingly calm, probably because of the shock. But after i got home from the hospital i slowly started to change. When i look back at who i used to be i dont recognize myself at all anymore. I have completly locked up, I do not trust anyone, neither myself. I often find myself crying with no reason and i cant help but feel unworthy of all sorts of love. I feel so damn discusting. i mean, who can ever love me if i cant love myself? Sometimes i feel cursed, mainly because of the dramatic first outbreak and i feel angry. But mostly sad. i've gotten so sensitive and i've learned how to shut down all emotions.

Having H. is really hard for me emotionally, and i guess thats because i am all alone in this. My mother and my bestfriend know about it, and i guess i cant talk to them, but its not the same. they have no idea what i am going trough and can never fully understand.

I am terrifed of the thought about ever telling someone i possibly could love about my personal hell. I am afraid that anyone will think about me the way that i feel about myself. To have my thoughts about myself confirmed by another person by words or redjectin is my biggest fear. yesterday i had another breakdown, i couldnt stop cry. "Will i ever get to know real love again, and will i ever dare to put my hart out on the line" was the quetions hunting my mind. i has isolated myself from getting involved in anything siriously because of this stupid fear. and i really hate it. but what can i do? Living this secret is killing me slowly, but i dont know if i can handle the consequences of telling.

I am in desperate need of some advices from someone, anyone, who know what having H. could feel like.

Dear stranger, Does it ever get easier?

 

 

[ShaeShae]

Hi @Cmph!

 

Your post really hit me hard. Only because I have been there. In many ways I am still there! But I am also living proof, in this moment, that it absolutely DOES get better! But you're going to have to be willing to work. And work HARD. Because none of this is easy, especially in the beginning. I am exhausted from "fighting the good fight". But I have learned in a very brief period that giving up is not an option, because I nearly did. It would be only too easy to give up on my dreams and throw out all of my plans and lock myself away from the world. It's the easy route, but not the right one. The right one is to open yourself up and heal. In any way you can. I have taken many healing steps lately that scared the ever living hell out of me, every one. But they are paying off in a big way. I am not healed by any means, that will be a long journey, as all healing journeys are. Upon learning of my diagnosis and being rejected by my boyfriend, I immediately entered counseling. I have a compassionate and unbiased ear to pour all of my pain and fear into and it helps. It is so uplifting and helpful. I highly recommend it. I also came out a few days ago to all of my closest friends and family through my Facebook page. Now, not saying that this is for everyone, but through the encouragement of a fellow "H-Opper", I did it. And you know what I got in return? LOVE. . . Piles and mounds and gobs of love. From everybody. Maybe that is something to consider. I have slept better and laughed more since then, which is a HUGE deal for me, as I truly love to laugh.

 

Again, none of this has been easy. And I'm not "all better". But I'm feeling relief. And a new sense that with more time and forward momentum, things will indeed continue to get better. I am a stronger woman today than yesterday. And tomorrow I will be stronger still. You have to simply make the decision that this is NOT going to define you. And anybody who doesn't accept and love you even with this, was never worth your time to begin with. I'm reminding myself of that everyday. Contact me anytime. I'm always looking for more people here to connect with. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT RUINED, YOU ARE NOT LOST.

[JessikaRabbit89]

Yes darling, it gets SOOOOO MUCH EASIER. I am so sorry for everything you have been through before finding out your diagnosis, that had to have been rough. However look at you now! You lived through that traumatic event and you are here to tell us your story. I truly believe its all in your mind on how H plays a role in your life. If you think of it as a plague it will seem like one and you will isolate yourself from everyone and not truly be able to live your life as you should. Once you grow into acceptance and learn to love yourself and realize you are NOT herpes and that you are the exact same person you were before, just with a minor skin condition that most people have, or don't think is even a big deal, you will feel so much better. I thought my life would be over and that I'd never find love or that nobody would accept me and I was SOOOO wrong!!! People will love and cherish you even more!!! However you have love and cherish yourself first, and a beautiful life will follow.

[Cmph]

@ShaeShae and @JessikaRabbit89

 

Thank you both so much for the incredible kindness you've shown me! Its truley appriciated! Its awfull to say and i dont wish anyone any harm, but i am really happy that this site exist, and that there are others in the same position as me. I find a rare kind of comfort in what you say, both of you! I find it hard to believe but i can sense that there's hope, even for me. I want to feel better about myself, i really do! I want to love myself again, with all my imperfection. I want to except who i am, who i've bocome. I wanna be a better version of myself, even better than i once were. The only problem is: Where do i begin and what do i do? And most important; what can i do to prepear myself for the worst, so that i wont fall any deeper down than i allready have?

YES, today is a good day! i feel opptimistic! I wanna speak the truth , even if my voice shakes!

 

[ShaeShae]

@Cmph. . . . You don't need to know where to begin, because you've already begun! You know what you want, you've just said so. Now go out and grab it! There's no hard or fast rule to the "how" of getting there, but the "when". For me, it's all about stepping outside my comfort zone and trying new things. Even if it's a new food or a new hairstyle, or the absolutely outrageous pair of pants I just picked up at the thrift store the other day. These little things matter in BIG ways! I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I smile at the woman I see in there and remind her that she is beautiful and strong. I have been through sooooo much worse than H! So I know now I can handle it! The perspective is that yes, it is simply a nuisance skin condition that just happens to be located in a really bad spot. It's the location of it that breeds all the nasty stigma. But it's just a skin condition.

 

As far as preparing yourself for the worst. . . That is why I told my friends and family who I love, because if I get rejected again, I have them to fall back on. Their kind words have given me new strength and understanding that I may HAVE this disease, but I will never BE this disease and anybody who can't understand that does not deserve me.

 

As one kind member did for me once, in my darker days: Tell me 3 things that you love about YOU?

 

P.S. My voice is still shaking!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Cmph

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First, I am so glad we have established a little group of us here who are jumping on board and chipping in to help others to see that yes, it DOES get better! Thank you @ShaeShae and @Jessika for your beautiful words. I am so proud of you BOTH for taking the stand to speak your truth and take a stand against the stigma....I did it a year ago and I'm glad to have a few more over here in my corner now!!! Together we can slay the stigma, one person and one day at a time :)

 

So - @Cmph

 

Yes- it DOES get better. I'm sorry you had such a rough "introduction" to herpes.... I want you to know that your bodies extreme reaction is uncommon (we see more people like yourself here because those who have a more traumatic first OutBreak usually need our kind of support more than most). So one thing to keep in mind if/when you date is that *IF* someone got it from you (knowing their risk) odds are the way they experience it won't be anything like how you did.

 

I've had the virus 35 years. Since before the stigma came on board (thanks to Big Pharma and sensationalist magazine articles in the 1980's). What you need to understand is that the stigma is manufactured ... and you don't have to buy into it. Our Puritanical Forefathers left us with a legacy of negative beliefs around sex and anything to do with it... a legacy of having to feel guilt for enjoying something that is very natural, especially once something happens to *prove* to us that we have been "loose" or "trashy" because we happened to have sex outside of marriage. The GOOD news is you don't HAVE to buy into it.

 

Now, this may or may not speak to you. But in a large number of the cases we see on here, if the person is REALLY honest with themselves, the feelings of being "unworthy of love" were already there ... perhaps they were well hidden from your view, but odds are they were there. Herpes just puts a magnifying glass on our insecurities and can often become the "reason" for us to avoid finding love... because it gives us something to "prove" that we are unlovable.

 

The "Opportunity" that many find with us is the chance (and CHOICE) to take some time to reflect on how we have dated and/or sought out sex in the past, to be honest with ourselves about *what* we were looking for (validation, ego boost, escape from our fears/thoughts) and *why* we needed those things.

 

Herpes also makes us slow down the process when we date (or even search for one night stands) ... because to disclose we have to both become vulnerable (and thus believe that our partner *deserves* to be allowed into this part of our life) AND strong ... ie: you need to get to your core that "rejection" is rarely about YOU unless perhaps you are bat-shit crazy ...LOL.

 

I believe that your coming on here, and what you wrote, says a lot about you. You are ready to move on. You realize that there is a lot more to life, a lot more to YOU, than herpes. There's so much amazing info on this site. Read as much as you can. Start with the Success Stories. You need to see that many many people on here are finding love (I see FAR more stories of Success than rejection on here). And check these links out ...

 

You may also need a little help. Consider counseling.... if you choose that route, make sure to "interview" the therapist before your first meeting. Ask them if they have worked with people with an STD and what is their approach. You may not understand their "method" - but HOW they tell you will let you know if you think you can connect with them and feel safe to work with them ;)

 

We are here for you friend.... it WILL get better, but YOU have to do the work to get out of the "Stinkin Thinkin" that is going on in your head right now ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2211/change-your-words-change-your-world

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

 

Herpes facts video

 

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Vulnerability