Females: Have you transmitted herpes to your partners?

[Pollyanna1]

Hello guys,

I havent been here for so long and dealing with anxiety. I am getting married this summer with my fiance who has not herpes. I am wondering that what if i could transmit the disease since we will live in the same house and could have sex anytime we want. we have been dating for almost 3 years now but long distance. We only see eachother 2 weeks in a row.

Anyways is somebody who is married could inform me please? How will be the sex is, how is the marriage while one partner has herpes?

 

Also is anybody transmit the virus and what was their partner rejection when they infected because of us? I am full of questions about my future? I have been using valtrex and should i keep using the rest of my life? We also used condoms but he doesnt want the condoms in our marriage. Aargh hate the idea of transmitting the virus even though he seems like he doesnt care :( its a really big burden and i can ruin my love's health :(

 

Ps. Last week one day before gettng intimate with my fiance, I noticed itchness inside my labia but it fade away couple of hours later. And we had sex the other day and know i am wondering could have been prodromes and he transmitted from me. He has no syptoms thou :( (ı am on dalily valtrex and we used condoms)

[Pollyanna1]

I am sorry for posting this for 3 times. My internet was not so good so i couldnt understand if i posted or not

[seeker]

well im thinking he would have rejected you based on herpes before asking you to marry him. he knows and is ok with the risk and is embarking on what is suppose to be a lifelong commitment, im thinking he isn't too concerned about acquiring it. just my .02$

 

as far as the possible transmittal, I assume at some point your going to want wee ones? last I checked condoms don't work to well to that end, unless he has some extremely strong swimmers.

[Pollyanna1]

Yeah maybe you are right. He is a close case though. We talked when i diagnosed and after that couple of times but i am concern after marriage and transmission could he be change his thoughts. I am so concern he wont love me in the future because of this and regret about us :( i think i am still not good with herpes and its been almost 3 years now

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, here's some straight up facts:

 

Your risk with no meds/condoms of transmitting to him is 5% ... now, a LOT of that 5% will also have to do with where you get your OB's and how frequently and how good you are at knowing your body and your symptoms of an OB. Also, you can take L-lysine and that helps a lot of people to keep their OB's/symptoms down and is harmless to you.

 

I was married for 20 yrs - didn't know my "rash" was herpes when I got married and passed it to my then husband in our second year (I had a lot of symptoms that were like a yeast infection and was treated for that until after he was diagnosed ... that's when *I* got diagnosed) ... our divorce had NOTHING to do with the fact that I gave him herpes. I have also had 2 three year relationships ..one where I took anti-virals, the other where I didn't (both their choice) and neither got it from me .... so it's entirely possible to not transmit it to your partner with vigilance and perhaps a little luck ;)

 

Your itching *might* have been a prodrome, or a minor yeast infection or a rub. Impossible to tell ... I personally would not have sex if I had ANY feeling that something was happening down there ... but we just found plenty of other ways to play... which actually made for a much better sex life in the long run :)

 

Stop overthinking this ... he loves you and accepts you AND the risk of getting Herpes from you. Just like you accept the risk of being injured in an accident whenever you get in your car (or ride with someone else).

 

A life well lived with include MANY MANY risky pursuits ... sometimes we get lucky, sometimes we don't. Your man gets that ... and he feels YOU are worth the risk. How beautiful is that????

 

(((HUGS)))

[Pollyanna1]

Dancer thank you very much. I know he doesnt care but still scares me alot. That itch past in couple of hours sweety and we werent see eachother for than 2 mos. I started working with in a small village as an english teacher and p.e teacher for poor children. We did miss eachother that day we got intimate. I told him that i had an itch earlier that day and he said if its not persistent so it could be something else. Then we had sex and you guess how much we missed eachother.

 

He is so sweet about my condition but he has trust issues since he cant believe how could i transmitted. Before i was diagnosed i tested and it was negative. I had a suspicion about herpes because my ex has weird bumps in his penis once in a while and he doesnt want to get tested. After we broke uo he tested and it was positive for herpes. He told me and i tested as soon as possible and it was negative. Probably i didnt build antibody. I was so relief :)

 

then i met my now bf we were dating in to 4 mos and i got diagnosed. I told him immideatly and he believed me. After he saw my facebook msg wth my bff. I was telling my bestfriend my test came neg and i had a relief. And he got pissed of since i had this suspicion about herpes and i didnt tell him. But i told him that i thought i was negative and i dont want to bother him with this thoughts. Since then we tried to build our trust again but sometimes he is still make me feel like he has trust issues :( because of this i am really scared of this transmit to him.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sounds like you have an issue that has nothing to do with Herpes except that the issues with outbreaks/possible transmission brings out his trust issues. If he has trust issues, you need to address THAT ... because it will continue to come out. Now, getting him properly educated about Herpes *may* help there (I STRONGLY suggest that you either send him here or directly to @Adrial for a consultation so he can understand the virus better) ... BUT ... if he has trust issues in general, it will come out in other areas of your life that have nothing to do with Herpes.....or he will use that as something to point to every time HIS FEARS start running his life.

 

If he truly loves you unconditionally, Herpes should not be part of any heated discussions. If he uses your diagnosis (and the issues leading up to that time) as ammunition in an arguement, that to me is a BIG red flag ... and AGAIN... it's nothing to do with you NOR with herpes ... it's just herpes acting as your "Wingman", showing you this man's true colors..... and THAT is something you need to really consider before you commit to a lifetime with him.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

[Pollyanna1]

Thank you again. He never ever mentioned about my condition but i feel like he doesnt like it. Still doesnt say anything though maybe i am just paranoid about it sincei started to developed panic attacks because of this thought. I really love him and he make me feel loved also

[WCSDancer2010]

Perhaps you need to have one good, heart to heart talk about it. Tell him about what you *think* he feels ... and how scared you are. I think you need to clear the air about it ... and how he reacts will tell you everything you need to know. If he is concerned for your fears, if he is compassionate and empathetic to you..he's a keeper. If he gets ugly, defensive, avoids the talk, or is in any way not supportive of YOU and your fears, you *may* just want to re-think the wedding ...because if he can't face it like a man (and a gentle-man at that) right now it's not going to get any better.... if he loves you unconditionally, you will know at the end of that talk.

 

You can't live the rest of your life constantly worried about what will happen if he gets it, or how he feels about it ... so clear that out. If it doesn't work out, while it will suck, you will be better off in the long run because we have tons of proof of men out there who love their H+ women wholeheartedly and without one ounce of reservation....and you deserve to have a man like that waiting for you at the altar :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Pollyanna1]

Sweety actually i talked to him and he told me he doesnt care about my herpes he loves me and told me that if he wanted to break up with he would of do it early. He said its a simple problem we could work it out. And he found a great psychatrist and pay my all bills. Drop me to doctor every weekend and pick me up. Ask question about my sessions. He is so sweet but still scares me. I know youre going to tell me that i am really paranoid about it. But i changed a lot. I was the sweetest person you can see before h but know i feel like i am more depressed and unhappy. I wish that never happened to me or any of us. I am really sorry to bother you with my twisted thoughts :( i think i must calm myself first but i dont know how.

[caterpillarmonarch]

Hi Pollyanna1,

 

I actually asked my OBGYN about this. He specializes in STD's. He said that he has MANY long-term couples in his practice where one has it and the other doesn't. According to him, the formula is 1) Don't have sex during a flare-up (my preferred term instead of "outbreak") 2) Always use condoms 3) Use an anti-viral daily.

 

My boyfriend and I have talked about this. I've sent him a lot of links to these pages and let him know the risk for each type of sexual activity. Then I let him choose what he was comfortable with and what he isn't. BUT, he's made it exceptionally clear that he doesn't see it as a big deal and that, if he does contract it, that it was HIS CHOICE and it's not at all my fault. It helps now, although I'm not sure how I'll feel if he ever does get it.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Pollyanna1

 

Well, if you've had that talk then it sounds like you need to keep working on your anxiety and how to stop what @Adrial calls "Stinkin Thinkin".

 

So here is what I tell people who are stuck on the worry about transmitting:

 

(you may want to take a copy of this to your next session and talk about working on getting this kind of reality into your thinking ;) )

 

Of course we don't want to pass this on. Any "good" person would never want to hurt another knowingly or otherwise. But life assumes risk. If you REALLY don't want to hurt him EVER, don't:

 

Let him be a passenger in your car (you might have an accident and he could be hurt)

Let him borrow your car (You may not know your brakes are failing, etc)

Cook him food (food poisoning/allergic reactions/choking)

Let him love you (you MAY find you don't reciprocate his love one day and hurt him)

etc etc etc

 

Can you see? This is just a drop in the bucket of ways that we might "hurt" someone we love, even if we take every precaution under the sun to make sure they are safe (with the car, doing regular maintenance, wearing seat belts, having air bags, being a careful driver, etc) and things may STILL go wrong.

 

Don't want to hurt someone? Become a hermit. Otherwise, realize we are all imperfect. Realize shit happens. Realize that life is about living in the moment and accepting what comes. Realize that this man loves you and he already GETS all of this. ;)

[caterpillarmonarch]

@WCSDancer 2010: Awesome perspective

[Pollyanna1]

Yes, I read over and over again. Its really great perspective. I started to keep a journal about my thoughts. I hope it helps me. Maybe oneday I can give it to my bf to read