Herpes is killing the mood

[ivoryrain]

My boyfriend and I are both positive. He is asymptomatic and had a blood test, so I worry that his numbers may have been under 3.5 and a false positive. Realistically, however, after being together for a year and rarely using condoms, it was likely accurate. He didn't see the numbers - Planned Parenthood just called him with his results - but he doesn't care that there's a false positive potential. I struggle to accept his decision in the off chance that he hasn't contracted H yet.

 

So basically, whenever we go to have sexy times, I inform him of the exact state of my vagina, which obviously kills the mood lol. I inform him of every suspicious bump, even though I know I can't give him "more" of the virus/cause him to become symptomatic. Then my paranoia kills the moment, and we're both frustrated. I can't help it, though. I feel like I'm hiding H from him if I don't give him a complete status report, even though he obviously knows I have H and occasional OBs.

 

Is this word vomit something that will get better with time or is this something that I will have to consciously work on? I did a little better last time by just saying, "Please go a bit easier than usual because I noticed a place that may be a blister forming, but I'm not completely sure." I know that I definitely need to work on accepting HIS decisions about HIS health. I just want normal sexy times back :(

[whitedaisies]

This is sthng you have to work on....acceptance.....

 

Accept he can't get more of the virus

Accept he is hsv2 positive but he doesn't care

Accept he wants to be with you sexually

Accept you are worthy of everything you want

 

What about saying....please let's go slow tonight and that's it....with none of the why....who cares about the why....he will likely know anyway....

 

You are assuming he is a false positive....why do you assume that? He has accepted his status, you should too...

 

Be free and have fun!

 

Good luck

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey there,

 

I agree with whitedaisies... he is fully knowledgeable consenting adult, and has made a choice to be with you and has clearly accepted his diagnosis. Time for you to accept it as well. There are plenty of people who are asymptomatic, so it is very likely that he is one of those people. If he was really concerned about a false positive, then he would likely do something about it. Apparently, if he thought there was a chance that he wasn't positive, the risk does not scare him, so stop letting it scare you. Let go of your fears and embrace the acceptance and love that he is offering you... don't let this destroy something really special... you deserve this acceptance and love, so try to find it for yourself.

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree with all the above, and it will get easier as you get to learn your symptoms and prodromes so you don't think every little bump is an outbreak in the making. but as has been mentioned, you're just going to need to trust him, and if you have a concern then keep it light, and let him make his choice. Or, you can find some other way to play. try to use these times to find other ways to be intimate as well.

[seeker]

agree with all of the above. maybe try to start with more foreplay type stuff and forget the intercourse for a bit till your more comfortable, I don't know, just throwing stuff against the wall to see what sticks.

 

I can tell you, as a man I really don't want to know whats going on down there, esp in detail, its one of my favorite places and sometimes ignorance is bliss. as carlos mencia said, that's a restaurant I like to eat at and I don't need to know all the details about whats going on in the kitchen.

 

in other less crass words, a yes or no would work, esp if you had to say no but still fooled around in other ways cause you know once a mans blood is in his other brain we tend to become less focused on, well anything else.

[ihaveittoo]

As Robin Williams once said, God gave men a brain and a penis, but just enough blood to use one at a time...

[WCSDancer2010]

I am SOOO loving having some guys on here giving your perspective... and in such a light but honest way :)

[JessikaRabbit89]

funny person above used a Robin Williams quote, he also had Herpes. Random fun fact.

[WCSDancer2010]

Many, MANY rich and famous people have Herpes .... it's just not discussed a lot :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/celebrities-with-herpes/

[JessikaRabbit89]

Gotta add Billy Idol, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, and Kanye West to the list. She has been seen with active cold sores around the mouth. As well as Rihanna, Chris Brown, and many others. Idk why that gives me so much comfort in seeing people who are considered perfect in the entertainment world to be so imperfect and human just like the rest of us. Lol.

[ihaveittoo]

I remember Robin Williams being sued back in the 80's. As I recall it was settled out of court and the story faded away.

 

I also read an article about performers in the world of porn. There are those that will admit herpes is pretty much a given. You make it a career you will get herpes. For the most part its no big deal.If you have an outbreak stay home until it clears up.

[JessikaRabbit89]

I always wondered about people in the porn industry having herpes because you never see them wearing protection at all. Wow.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yup - because they accept that it's part of the business, it isn't a stigma for them .... BUT... of course, that just feed the idea that if you have H, you are "loose" .... :/

 

It's a double edged sword in this instance :(

[ivoryrain]

Haha thanks everyone! Especially @seeker for the man's perspective of not wanting to know the details haha. I suppose it's that that's killing the mood - not H itself - oops.

 

I was going to post about the porn industry, too. I read that they don't even have to disclose H in their contracts because pretty much everyone has it. It probably sucks that H keeps them from making money during OBs, though, but I'm sure most of them (or at least the lesser known performers who don't make as much money) have non-adult-film jobs, too.

 

 

[HBased]

@Ivoryrain

 

Yeah, the porn industry is really chill about herpes - because it's not life threatening, and happens to be a "risk" (hate that term) any sexually active adult takes every time they engage in intercourse, whether they acknowledge it or not.

 

I just want to be clear that the "don't have to" disclose in contracts doesn't mean that they avoid doing so. Most performers I dealt with are *very* aware of their sexual health and safeguard it like a m*thertrucka. They don't perform when experiencing an episode and even move shoot dates if they feel prodrome symptoms coming on. Lots of big names "have it", and that tends to be common knowledge within the industry. It's a pretty big faux pas to avoid mentioning it.

 

I will say most of the performers I've known are very sex-positive and 100% not freaked out by herpes. Years ago I had a really interesting discussion with several male stars, all of whom confirmed the following: "It's a normal thing that happens to normal people when they have normal sex, even with the best precautions in place. And really, WHO CARES?"

 

Not that I'm trying to make the case for sleeping with porn stars or whatever... just that they, as a whole, seem to take a much more level-headed view of STI's and their prevalence in modern sex.

[JessikaRabbit89]

I guess you kind of have to have that mentality in that line of work lol.

[HBased]

Have to? Nah.

 

But they do deal with STI's as a reality instead of a frightening abstract concept involving a lot of outdated materials, like most SexEd. ;)