Disclosing after not disclosing...

[lostsoul520]

Well this is my first post. I join back in 12 and thank goodness I've found this site and community. I need advice and honestly just failed. Like everyone I hit a low point when I got the news. I felt that it changed my life forever. I was ashamed and honestly wanted to end my life. I started to turn to alcohol and pain killers to numb reality but luckily with this website I bounced back and had a new outlook on life. The people on here are amazing and this is where I fail...

 

I finally started to get back into the dating world. To my surprise I found that in a really close friend I had throughout the years. We became close. She was amazing. I started to feel normal again. We didn't have Any sexual relations at all. I didn't want to and I wasn't ready to disclose. I never thought she would accept me. Anyways we had our ups and down but this year things changed. We stared to get closer and one drunken night it went down. Yes through the passion and attraction it went down. Had unprotected sex. I didn't disclose. One thing is that before this until this day I do take my acyclovir twice a day to suppress it. I know my body and know when I'm about to have an ob but only 3 times a year but nevertheless that's not an excuse.

 

You would think that I would have disclosed after that night but i did not. We continued to have a sexual relationship. So far she doesn't have any symptoms but that doesn't mean anything.

 

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell the truth and finally came out. I was scared to death but i was my fault that it had gone this far. I disclosed everything. Told her the facts told her my story and she listened. I became the monster that I feared. I feel horrible because as we read in our community we should disclose no matter what and I failed to do so. Well she is still here but is having a hard time trusting me. I don't blame her. I thought by taking my part in knowing my body and taking my meds that would be enough and it wasn't. Only the truth would be the answer.

 

I feel horrible because our relationship was heading in the perfect way. To my surprise everyone ... she said she is not bothered by the h. Only hurt that I lied so long. I was so scared that she would never accept me I kept it to my self but honestly, coming out is the best thing. When I did come out it did feel better but disn't correct my actions. We are working things through but it's difficult.

 

I've looked through the forum to see if there is any similar stories to my situation. I'm not perfect and not asking for sympathy but to hear any other stories of what happened. Am I the only one who has made a mistake like this? I'm so sorry to my girl and to this supporting community because I failed to be honest and transparent. I love her so much but feel that I honestly ruin the relationship.

 

Thanks for letting me tell me story. Any advice or stories would be great. It's hard to discuss this with my friend but thankful for this community.

 

[MMissouri]

I doubt you are the first one to make this mistake or the last. I think there was a recent post about exactly the same thing. I can't remember the title off the top of my head. The important thing is you told her.

 

She might not trust you now, but if you think about it, you kind of didn't trust her either. Does that make sense? Because in a way, when disclosing, you have to trust the other person. I hope that you can both work through this. Best of luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@lostsoul520

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Your situation is FAR more common that you may realize... especially the "drunken sex" start to things ... I wonder if sometimes people allow themselves to get drunk enough to be numb so they just don't *think* too much ... but it ends up making a bigger mess in the end as you have learned... :(

 

To be blunt - you screwed up (learning a BIG life lesson in the process) and you just have to give her time to learn to trust her again and you have to EARN it back. You may want to look into either couples therapy or coaching with our own @Adrial who is an AMAZING coach (seen him in action!) and who could help you to come up with a plan to rebuild the trust. The fact that she is still with you says a lot about her feelings for you ... so I would seriously look into getting help to come up with some way to help her to feel "safe" with you....

 

Bottom line - you made a mess. And you are trying to clean it up... which says a lot about YOU ... and you may just have to have patience with her.... but I think some coaching might speed things up a bit ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

ADRIAL info: email at adrial@adrialdesigns.com http://www.adriallifecoaching.com/

[lostsoul520]

Thanks for the comments. I know I messed up and I'm trying to learn and grow from this and to be there for her. I've found more stories like mine as I searched more last night. We all feel the same and feel horrible about it. Thanks for not judging and thanks for honest responses.