My Story...not sure what to do

[Spaquin]

Hello everyone,

 

I am not sure how to start, but I do have to say sharing my story is stepping out of my comfort zone. I feel so vulnerable. However, I am still unsure about many decisions and need some insight from people who have a better understanding of such experience. Hopefully, many of you can provide some helpful advice. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 six month ago and it has been, for a lack of a better word, hell.

 

It all started back in May of 2014 when I met, what I thought, was an amazing man. We met through friends and the physical attraction was immediate. After exchanging numbers, he proceeded to court me through text. A week later we went on a group date. The chemistry was there and so was a strong connection. Probably two weeks into the courting process we were intimate and the day after he proceeded to say that he wished we hadn't engage in any sexual activity. Of course it caught my attention, but after a long conversation about it I just categorized his comments as fear of commitment. Fast forward to three months into the relationship, I begin to notice sores in my genital area. I didn't really made a big deal about it, as Herpes was the last thing on my mind. However, sores just kept appearing and after a weekend of searching through google I self-diagnosed myself with herpes. I went to the urgent care and the Dr. visually diagnosed it and took a swab (it was positive for HSV-2). After leaving the clinic I immediately called my best friend crying and told her everything. My next call was my partner. Lots of thoughts came to mind "he is not going to want me", "was it me?", "was it him" and so on. We went out to lunch and I told him. I was a mess, but his reaction was so good and in retrospect, a little too good. He was very supportive and said that if it was him he had no idea about it and had

emphasized that we were going to get through this together. He was going to get tested to confirm he had it. Two weeks later he tells me that he will be going into a parenthood clinic and get tested. It is important that I mention that he had no appointment and he said he didn't need one, this I thought to be strange. Anyways, after he supposedly left the clinic he called me and said his test would be back in two days, to which I replied "are you sure, it usually takes longer than that". Two days later, he supposedly got the results and they were positive. He didn't seem to be affected by the news. It was an uncommon reaction. Throughout this whole time, I was devastated and couldn't get my head around this. He on the other hand seemed nonchalant and as time went by he seemed less and less supportive. When I asked him why he said "we both react to problems differently, this is something that won't kills us" and in many occasion he told me to just get over it. I had two to three more OB during this struggle and while I was crying my eyes out he was out drinking with his friends.

 

Witnessing such attitude towards something so unpleasant really bothered me. Thus, triggering me to believe that he already knew he had it and just didn't tell me. I didn't want anyone else to know, so I relied on him for support and understanding. I got nothing. I felt so alone and scared. This went on for five months. During the fifth month, a morning after spending the night at his place he left to get a haircut and I stayed behind. I began cleaning his apartment. As I picked up a bag to throw away I saw a cream box with a name that was familiar, it was tube cream of Acyclovir. Inside the box was a full tube that had not been use and one that was completely empty (the box had no prescription and it was in Spanish and made in Cuba. NOTE: his ex girlfriend was Cuban) . I began crying as it was clear that his ex girlfriend had been bringing that cream from Cuba while they were dating, which confirmed what I was thinking: he knew about it. When he came back I confronted him and asked him about the cream to which he responded that it was given to him at the clinic and completely denied knowing. I left the conversation at that because I was too afraid to confront him any further. I was afraid he would leave me and I couldn't bare the thought of that. Everything was so shady and he kept acting as if he found out when I did. I felt completely betrayed and was lied through the whole relationship. It was a kind of cynicism that blew my mind. I was in denial about the type of person he was and put a side what he had done. My desire to be with someone overpowered the reality of his actions. My best friend, who was the only one aware of the situation, did not agree of the relationship. Someone who really cared about me would not do that. Into the sixth month of the relationship he, unbeknown to me, decided that things weren't working out. Things ended. After, I felt the need to confirm my doubts. I did some research and it turns out he never went to parenthood clinic to get tested because he already knew he was H+. In turns out you do need an appointment for STD testing and obviously they don't provide medication without prescription, less a medication in spanish. I was heartbroken. A month after our break up they notify me that he was seen being romantically involved with someone else.

 

Here is my current issue. I never really confronted him about this and after knowing that he is probably doing this to another young lady it just triggers anger. I have so much anger and resentment towards him and as much as I do (therapy, exercise, self-help books) it just feels like it increases. I have even contemplated a civil law suit. I decided to send him an email explaining my feelings and simply confronting him. To this point he does not admit it, but does not deny it either and keeps adding nonsensical lies.I shared my intention of a law suit and he responded with more lies, but want to meet and talk about it because he is scared now that a law suit is involved. The people I confided say its not worth to meet with him, but I feel like it will benefit me. They claim I should get over it. I feel that they are unable to really grasp what I am going through since they are all strangers to this whole process. I feel alone in this and I just want to let everything out.

 

Sorry for the long post. Although this post seems more factual than sentimental let me just mention that I am overwhelmed by so many negative feelings about myself and my perspective. Although the people I have confided are supportive I still feel like they don't understand what I am going through.

 

Any advice, should I meet with him??

[MMissouri]

I get that you're angry and resent him, but I also think you are dealing with a lot of hurt on top of that. You find this guy and you feel a connection with him and then you find out he gave you H, lied to you, and continues to do so. He obviously is not who you thought he was.

My question to you is, What do you hope to get from this threat of a lawsuit or by confronting him? Is it a reaction? Do you want to hurt him back? I'm only asking this because I know when I've been hurt, there is nothing worse than the person who hurt me being unemotional or not having any remorse. It sounds as if your guy is that way.

My advice would be to let it/him go. I don't think anything you could do would make him a better person. And he really doesn't sounds like a good person.

A lot of people here can understand what you are going through. You don't have to deal with this alone. You can vent as much as you want and this group WILL get it.

That's just my opinion. I just really feel that continuing any type of contact with him will prolong what you are feeling. If you want to get rid of some of the negativity, I'd start with him. Good luck.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I agree with MMissouri. I totally understand that you are angry and feel completely betrayed by this man. However, what will this confrontation offer you? Do you think he will FINALLY admit that he was wrong and apologize? Based on everything he has said and done so far, that likely won't be the outcome. And if he does, where does that leave you? You will still feel hurt, and resentful, and it will not change anything. Continuing to find resolve through him doesn't appear to be the right answer here... I strongly suggest that as MMissouri said, to let him go. Learn to accept that you trusted someone who never could be trusted, forgive yourself for wanting to believe him, and subjecting yourself to more pain by enduring more time with him. And then show yourself love and respect by letting him go. We have no control over the actions of others, we cannot ever expect other people to act how we might want or need them to act. So trying to control or force the matter will not do you any good. The healing for you will start from within. Recognize that this man stirs all kinds of unhealthy emotions, and if you continue to feed into them, you will never move on from this situation. It hurts like hell, I get that. Feel the hurt, take time to process those emotions, but stop trying to remedy or control the situation through external means and by subjecting yourself over and over to his negativity and all those feelings that he brings up within you. This might be hardest thing you ever do, but maybe after much time, you will be able to find compassion and forgiveness for him. But put you first, and step away from him to heal.

 

I say all of this, but know that it is easier said than done. At some point in time, we have all been there. Betrayed by someone we trusted, hurt deeply by our own decisions, unsure of how to deal with the consequences and the pain. You will ultimately have to decide what is best for you, but I just don't think you will find peace from confrontation. I think you need to accept what has happened, learn the lessons, take time to heal and reconnect with and love yourself again and move on with life.

 

Here's a quot for you:

 

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”

― Deepak Chopra

 

I was also watching a show where he said something along the lines of: Every decision you make, ask yourself if it is fueled by self-love or fear. Always act in self-love.

 

Hopes this helps just a bit, and I sincerely hope you find peace, no matter your decision.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Spaquin

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I tend to agree with the others. I doubt you are going to come out of a meeting with a person like him with anything that will benefit you. As for a lawsuit ... be VERY careful with that. You would have to prove (basically by having proof of a test result - not just finding the meds in his drawer) beynd a shadow of a doubt that he KNEW he had it ... and his lawyer would do everything he/she could to make you look like the bad guy. Yes, it very much looks like he knew, but it might be hard to prove it and you might come out pretty beat up in the process.

 

Sometimes, you have to put things down and walk away and just take the lessons you learned in the process. And really, the only way we learn most things is by making mistakes. As @Positive said ... if your actions are not out of self love, don't do it... anger, revenge, whatever .... that's not self-serving. It just keeps you in the pain.

 

I know this is a crazy way to look at things, but be thankful that you learned what a jerk he was (even though the lesson came because you got Herpes from him). Sure, you may have stayed too long, but I think we all have been there... in a relationship that we hoped would work out when we really knew in our heart that the other person was not being honest with us.... and the lesson is to listen to your gut. Believe in yourself in the future. Take the lesson from him, and move on. He's so not worth wasting energy on at this point ... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[ivoryrain]

I agree with what everyone else has said, but I wanted to add to the lawsuit commentary. I'm a pre-law student who has also gone through both the criminal and civil court proceedings for sexual assault. A case such as yours isn't really much different than mine in theory. It's an extremely brutal thing to go through. I was 14/15 during the criminal case; 17/18 during the civil. This means that I was granted special legal protection due to being a minor on top of the rape shield law protection, etc. It was all still extremely brutal - so brutal that I refused to press charges against the guy who raped me less than 48 hours after the end of my civil lawsuit. Now, take all of those protections away (depending on your state...I don't believe most states handle these cases like sexual assault cases, but some do). It's not worth it. The defense would likely be permitted to ask questions about sexual history because it's relevant since someone else could have given you H. Your name would likely be public, as it can be difficult for even sexual assault victims to be granted psuedonyms, so everyone could potentially find out every intimate detail of your life. These kinds of cases are good shock value, so there would be the potential for publicity. Then top it all off with the fact that it can be pretty damn near impossible (and expensive) to prove that he knew because you need medical records, etc. All that a civil lawsuit can get you (usually) is money, which generally the amount is based on financial damages (i.e. medical bills, etc, so there's another thing you have to prove). To prove pain and suffering damages, you would need to have a history of therapy, etc. Is money going to take away all of the negative emotions? Probably not. [side note: The only reason that I chose to file a lawsuit was because the criminal case gave my abusers some bullshit charge that wasn't even a sex offense; I wanted it to show up on their records that a lawsuit for childhood sexual abuse was filed against them. I couldn't give two shits about the money because pain isn't something you can put a price tag on.] That's probably way more info than you care to know, but my point with my little side note is that civil lawsuits are really only worth it if the criminal system fails you.

 

I really do hope you can find peace soon. H can be a bombshell, but it's not the end of the world (or your love/sex life). Step 1 is to love yourself.

[Spaquin]

Hello everyone! @WCSDancer2010 @Positivelybeautiful @MMissouri

 

First, I wanted to thank you all for responding and for sharing your great advices. I greatly appreciate it.

 

To answer some of your questions, I guess my intention was not to hurt him. As much as he deserves it I am not one to make someone pay for their actions, as I am certain that life itself will take care of that. I guess I just wanted to hear the truth and have him take responsibility of his actions. What bothered me the most was the fact that he continued and will continue to do that same thing to others. I felt that hearing the truth would give me some kind of closure, but all of you are right I can't force someone to be a better person. As much as I try it will be his decision to change for the better, not mine. @ivoryrain my family also warned me about the consequences of a civil law suit and you are right it's not even worth it.

 

On that note, a little update on the story. He took it upon himself to go to my work place in order to talk with me (I ignored his request to meet). He proceeded to admit that he knew that he had it for almost a year and that unlike me he was given the opportunity to choose whether to stay or leave his ex-girlfriend after her disclosure. He apologized and stated that the fear of rejection did not allow him to disclose this information and that shame overpowered him after when I confronted him about it. His lack of support was due to his overwhelming guilt and could not bare all my suffering. I thought hearing this would make me feel better, but it has triggered different emotions and I am trying to process it all. I want to be able to believe him, but it is hard for me to believe that someone would let a petty fear of rejection overpower them and change someone else's life the way he changed mine. He admitted to be a coward, but this goes beyond cowardice. It just seemed that his apologies, even with tears involved, were not sincere at all.

 

Every single one of you is right, healing and peace begin within me, but how do I do it? How do even accept such thing and forgive a person who shows absolutely no remorse nor guilt? I am in so much and often feel lost.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey @Spaquin, glad that you came to terms with the decision to let it be on your own... it's funny how the universe works... as he came back to finally give you what you ultimately wanted following that. I know you can't understand the nature of his decisions and actions, but fear of rejection IS a powerful emotion and can lead many to put other people at risk... it involves a massive level of denial, and false sense of hope that maybe nothing bad will come of it. From what you are describing, he does sound like he was finally able to be honest, and although you can't understand it all, I think what you need to do now is just accept it. People make decisions based on the information they have and who they are at that point in time... and just because they make poor choices does not mean they are terrible people. Knowing that, try to find compassion. Forgiveness is not saying it's ok that you hurt me. Forgiveness is coming to terms with the reality of the situation, taking responsibility for your own actions, and letting go of the hope that things could have been any different... it's about acceptance... of the situation you lived through, of the person you met, of your own denial with him, of all the events that have happened up until this point. Forgiveness is about letting the past be the past, as it is, and focusing on the present and moving forward with a happier, healthier you. I think it takes time, nothing that you will feel or come to overnight, but try to let go of the anger and resentment by understanding that what is done is done, you or he, cannot change it, take it back, or wish it would have turned out differently. It is, and you will become stronger and more resilient for it. I hope this helps a little... here are some quotes to ponder:

 

"“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” - Wayne W. Dyer

 

"The quickest way to get over any issue is acceptance. It is not until you accept the situation at hand that you will begin to heal and move on from the pain."- Miss Raina.

[WCSDancer2010]

On that note, a little update on the story. He took it upon himself to go to my work place in order to talk with me (I ignored his request to meet). He proceeded to admit that he knew that he had it for almost a year and that unlike me he was given the opportunity to choose whether to stay or leave his ex-girlfriend after her disclosure. He apologized and stated that the fear of rejection did not allow him to disclose this information and that shame overpowered him after when I confronted him about it. His lack of support was due to his overwhelming guilt and could not bare all my suffering. I thought hearing this would make me feel better, but it has triggered different emotions and I am trying to process it all. I want to be able to believe him, but it is hard for me to believe that someone would let a petty fear of rejection overpower them and change someone else's life the way he changed mine. He admitted to be a coward, but this goes beyond cowardice. It just seemed that his apologies, even with tears involved, were not sincere at all.

 

Every single one of you is right, healing and peace begin within me, but how do I do it? How do even accept such thing and forgive a person who shows absolutely no remorse nor guilt? I am in so much and often feel lost.

 

So what were you expecting from him? He came to you and confessed (you said you wanted him to tell you the truth and take responsibility for his actions, which he did) and apologized. He admitted he was a coward. He admitted he was wrong. I'm not sure what else you could have asked of him.

 

Honey - let me tell you, the fear of rejection is FAR from petty. It's one of the most powerful of emotions that has it's roots in our survival in the past. The fear of rejection combined with shame and self loathing is one hell of a potent combination. I see it on here EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. People paralyzed with fear... who are dating and who are tortured by the desire to disclose but the overwhelming panic at the thought of being rejected (which would then "prove" they are right to feel dirty and disgusting) . Believe me, for him to come and ADMIT that must have taken a lot of soul searching and a lot of courage.

 

Check out this article on rejection ... it may help you to understand what was going on for him

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

How do you find peace and forgiveness? Let go of your attachment of how he *should* have acted and how he *should* be acting now. For one thing, he did what you wanted and it wasn't enough. One thing about attachments ... no matter if you get what you want, it will NEVER be enough. So let them go. It's a practice that I took up about 5 or so years ago and I can't tell you how much more at peace I am today.... :)

 

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

 

(((HUGS)))

[Spaquin]

@WCSDancer2010 @positivelybeautiful I appreciate all your nsights, especially because they broaden my perspectives on so many different things. I did not mean to minimize the importance of fear of rejection in that way because that was the first feeling that having H triggered on me and I am sure that I will be feeling it again once I am ready to start dating. What I meant is more in the sense that for me I would rather be rejected than put someone else at risk without giving them the opportunity to choose, but I cant judge someone else based on the standards that I have for myself. Everybody handles feelings and situations differently. . Believe it or not your words are assuaging my anger and resentment as they open doors to new perspectives. Thank you! It's time for me to move on and let this go and hope for a better future in the dating world.