A different beginning than most

[Days_mommy]

hello. i wanted to share my story..

when i was 19 years old i was in a long term relationship with a woman..engaged and everything..

i met a man at work who really played me very well.. i ended up breaking.up with my girlfriend..because he convinced me that we were friends..and friends could have secrets..and secrets couldnt hurt ppl if they were kept..needless to say..i ended up with.chlamydia..and constant bacterial vaginosis symptoms which finally led to a pap smear that showed abnormal cells aka HPV...i was devistated..

i did not date for around 6 months..because i felt abused. and didnt want to infect anyone else..

but then i met someone my son's father..and he had herpes..and i had hpv..and we kinda just agreed to love each other broken and.everything.

now I'm not angry at him..because we both knew the statuses...I'm only angry because the.commitment was.one sided.. so while i left the relationship now burned twice...he left with what he came with..

however..i don't feel as though it bothers me..just n the short time of reading ppls thoughts here..

for many reasons..one being that it wasn't exactly a surprise...

and two being whats done is done..

now im awaiting my confirmation....my hsv2 test...

it hasnt came back yet, but i know tthe symptoms from experience.

i told my stepmom and she went crazy making me baby wipes with tea tree oil and chapstick because i get hsv1 too..

i feel supported from her in alot of ways..

but in a way i feel likw it IS an.EVERYDAY struggle..convincing myself you know im normal...im the same..etc..

but reading these stories and talking with ppl does help..

does aanybody else ever wish they didnt trust so easily tho???

[WCSDancer2010]

Thank you for sharing your story. Many of us here trusted the wrong person .... but I'll tell you, I'd rather trust and be hurt, than be jaded and defensive and unable to let anyone it.

 

The thing is, each experience is a chance to grow and become stronger. A tree NEEDS the wind to push it around a bit to make it stronger .... diamonds are coal that stood up to extreme pressure. You are being challenged by life ... how YOU come out of this is up to you. You mentioned you have a child ...what would you say to him/her if they came to you and told you they had been though all the things you've been through??? How would you support them? Whatever that is, do that for you... because YOU have to love yourself too :)

 

Someone once said "Trust, but verify" ... one lesson from Herpes is to get to know a person better before you jump in sexually ... because once the hormones get to raging common sense often goes out the window (voice of experience here!!!). So take the lessons, learn and grow from them, and perhaps one day you will look back at all this and realize that you have become a powerful and stronger person because of all this :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

[Days_mommy]

the problem is..i trusted that he would stay..and he didn't. it was kinda like yeah i agree to accept your herpes if u agree to accept my hpv. and we agree to stay together. but here i am a single mama. but im at a point n my life whwre i let no one in. because i dont want to have the TALK. i have absolutely so sexual urges..because everytime a man acts interested i think about what a little FUN caused me, I CANNOT let it go...because i keep thinking what if the next burn is hiv..i dont have time to play around..if i got hiv I'd die sooner..and i have a son to raise..so if i have to be alone..i accept it..at least i keep my viruses to myself...and peopl keep theirs..

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I agree with Dancer... I have trusted people I shouldn't have, but other options did I have? There was no way of me knowing until the very moment that they broke that trust. Someone people take longer than others to show us who they really are. I would trust again and risk heartache any day over never opening myself up to love. Yes, i am more cautious now with who I let into my heart, and of course, bed, but that's an opportunity that herpes presents, as Dancer said. It forces us to really take more time, to really get to know people, and see if they can be trusted before sharing the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. I think right now, you need to be alone. You need to find love and acceptance within yourself. How can you give love to another, if you don't love yourself? Take this time to focus on loving yourself again, on being whole. Only then will you be ready to find a love that is worthy of your heart and body.

 

A quote for you:

 

"If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, life and joy." - Brene Brown

[Days_mommy]

which is why i choose to be alone for now. im renovating. focusing on school and my son and my dog and my family.,i have no time for boys. a relationship would get in my way. plus i dont want to spread what i have because i know im careful but the one person i accidentally infected went.on to infect alot more ppl..its a continuing string...

[Days_mommy]

the person i infected went on to infect a boy...who in turn gave her.herpes..its never ending...i just dont want to give the unbreakable gifts to anyone else...

[Days_mommy]

that came out wrong...i infected my ex bf..who infected his new gf...who dumped him to get w someone who had herpes and then they infected eachothee..

[Days_mommy]

(referring to my hpv..thats what i gave..genital warts..i had ONE. one spot..And it transferred..and i created a string of infectees

[MMissouri]

I think your prior relationship is kinda bittersweet. The "we are broken but we have each other" is sweet yet sad at the same time, because.. you aren't broken. I think that you need to see that. Like the prior posters said, take some time for yourself and learn to love yourself before trying again. Because I do think you should try again.

 

As for your worry about trusting other people and getting something like HIV. Well, here is where it's a learning experience. You've trusted before, and got burned. Next time, why not get tested before the relationship turns sexual? Don't give up, because you do have options and ways to protect yourself.

[Days_mommy]

and on top of all of this...i wonder how long I've had herpes...i know who i got it from..so i wonder if tge next two boyfriends were exposed to that as well..

[Days_mommy]

thanks everyone for talking to me and dealing with my bashing talk...

i usually just suppress talking about this...but i cant anymore..

i just feel so angry..and im tired of dealing with it alone...

[MMissouri]

You don't have to deal with it alone. Maybe you can heal here, and also help other people who will come to the forum feeling exactly like you do now.

 

You've already caught my interest with the tea tree oil wipes and chapstick! How does she make those?

[Days_mommy]

:D GO TO naturally yours and there r tea tree oil chapstick sold there..it helps! the wipes r a package of unscented baby wipes w a mixture of tea tree oil and water poured n and sloshed around. it helps too

[Days_mommy]

u can buy tea tree oil at naturally yours too. $8 for a bottle. lasts a long.time!!

[MMissouri]

I'm going to try these. Thank you :)

[Days_mommy]

no prob!!! my step mother is a dabbler n the essential oils ten drops n a small cup of water should do it

[WCSDancer2010]

I think @MMissouri hit the nail on the head:

 

I think your prior relationship is kinda bittersweet. The "we are broken but we have each other" is sweet yet sad at the same time, because.. you aren't broken.

 

the problem is..i trusted that he would stay..and he didn't.

 

You see, you went into a relationship for all the wrong reasons ... because you both felt that you HAD to accept each other because "no one else would" without taking into account whether you were truly compatible. AND, sometimes relationships just reach their end. That's life. But any relationship that starts because one or both people just want someone... ANYONE... to accept them is bound to fail.

 

I think that for NOW, you are wise to be alone, because you need to learn to love YOU first and foremost. I would guess that you had self-image issues before you had HPV OR Herpes ... and I would suggest that you try to get some therapy to work on that part of yourself ... because how can your body invite someone in to love you when you have such strong negative feelings about things right now???

 

We have a lot of great information here ... TONS of great inspirational and self help links that are buried in here (most resurface so watch out for them!). (Did you read the link I posted in my last response? ) Check out the success stories too. And post/rant/ etc as much as you need to.... because THAT will be a huge part of your healing ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Shame

Vulnerability