Is he on the fence with giving me a chance, or am I completely off? I'm in the waiting game.

[Blueskysagitarrius]

Hi Everyone!

 

So I haven't ever posted here before, but I have been getting the emails and checking this site out for awhile. I had my first outbreak Sept 2013 and that's the only one I've had. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, when my doctor tested my sores, she didn't find out what type I had. So months later I got a blood test and was positive for Type 1. Makes sense because the guy I'm pretty sure I got it from got tested as well and was only positive for Type 1. He had had cold sores.

 

Anyway, enough about my background, I could write about my experience for days given the chance. So it's been almost a year and a half. I've told (now) three guys. First guy, I was rejected. But I've learned SO much since then. I broke down and cried and did a seriously TERRIBLE job of telling him. I don't know why I was surprised he rejected me. But let me tell you, that hurt so bad. I really didn't think it would hurt as bad as it did. Second guy I told was totally cool with it. Never had an issue regarding it. Third guy, well I only told him on Saturday.

 

I felt the time was right, I felt close to him, and I felt that I really wanted to share this part of me with him. I was super positive about it and really had faith he was the kind of guy that wouldn't care. He's honestly the nicest person I have probably EVER met. A serious catch. He came over, I made dinner, we sat down to watch TV and I turned it off and told him I had something important to tell him. I told him I wanted to tell him because I really cared about him, I was so happy we've met, and that being honest is an important part of a relationship to me. He seemed fine with it. I didn't even get through my whole speech I had planned before he was saying "oh yeah I've had cold sores, no big deal". And I said "OK cool" and we went back to watching TV.

 

About an hour later, he's falling asleep on me and asks if I'd mind if he left. I said of course not. He had been sick the week before and I realize he still probably wasn't feeling well. The next day my friends were texting me asking how it went, and I tell them all it went really well!

 

And then about noontime he calls me. He says he's glad I told him what I told him, and appreciates my honestly but that he needs to be honest with me as well. He says he doesn't think this will work. Claims he had just gotten out of a relationship right before we met and it was just too soon. Went on about some other things and I told him I understand, and honestly, I took it like a champ. I stayed calm and said I understood. He was very sweet about it (again, he's seriously such a nice guy), and says he doesn't want to lead me on.

 

Of course I cried... a lot. I went through his excuses and knew they didn't make sense. I knew it was from the herpes. I text him a few things about how I'd appreciate it if he still got educated, because well, that's important! I told him I know he likes me, and that I hope it's not because of the herpes. He eventually said he needs some time to process things, and hopes I understand. Of course I understand that, so I backed off. This was on Saturday. He text me today saying he has mono and wanted to let me know, really hopes he doesn't get me sick. We talked a little back and forth about the game (Go Pats! Super Bowl Champs!), and (maybe stupidly) I told him I miss him. His response was that he was going to go rest, and maybe in a few days when he's feeling better we can talk a little more. I told him I'd like that.

 

Ladies, gents - what do I do now? Of course I am willing to give him time and space, but when we do talk, do you have any suggestions? I'm not sure if I'm hoping he's on the fence about this, or if I'm way off and he's just being polite. Have you been in this situation? How do I stop myself from going crazy wondering and waiting to hear from him?

 

Thanks everyone!

 

BlueSky

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Blueskysagitarrius

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Well, Mono is another Herpes virus ... and it can be VERY debilitating ... so give him a break while he deals with that.

 

I think I can pretty much guess what happened (having been though a similar experience myself). You see, all too many men "get back on the horse" all too soon after a break-up. Guys at least *believe* they can compartmentalize things ... so they jump back into dating to forget their sadness and pain too soon. I had that happen to me ... and I disclosed and we even got intimate ... but once "shit got real" and we were getting close, he freaked out and broke it off because he realized he wasn't over his ex (even though he didn't want to go back to her.) I had another guy do the same thing and the night we got intimate, he started saying that he would see me walk across the room and "see his ex".... he also was only recently out of a relationship ( I had only learned that when we were about to get intimate, and he said he was over her). And both are seriously nice guys that I am still in touch with on a friendship basis. :) I have truly learned to ask how long someone has been out of a relationship now and if it's only a few weeks or even a couple months (depending on the length of the relationship) I will proceed VERRRRRRY slowly with them from now on, if at all...... ;)

 

The point is, Herpes will show you who someone is and whether they are ready to commit (if that is what you are looking for) because it's easy to jump in bed with someone when "nothing is at stake" but when your health is potentially at risk (even if it's a minor skin condition in a really inconvenient place) it makes people stop and look seriously at whether they are ready for that kind of relationship ;)

 

Many of us jump into the physical part of a relationship before we have thought it out. before we really know them reasonably well and have seen them in many different situations. Before we have stopped to think about how they will fit in our life and if we are looking for the same kind of relationship. Herpes makes us (and our potential mate) stop and really take stock of where the relationship is going and whether we are ready for that or like the person enough to take it to the next level.

 

Honey - you need to take your power back. Not that he's a bad guy. But if he said he needs time to think and he's just out of a relationship, he's probably being honest that he jumped back into dating too soon. Now it doesn't mean it won't work out, but he may need to really slow things down. For now, let it be. If you are important enough to him, he'll be back. If he's still healing, he needs to walk away and work on himself right now... so let him. It sucks, but better that you found out now than *after* you got physical and the hormones are flowing :/

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Heya, I agree with Dancer. I think that the herpes conversation just kind of made him take some time to think about what he was getting involved in and whether he was ready. So, it's not necessarily herpes itself... but herpes acting as a wingwoman as Dancer often says. :) Honestly, if I were you, I would be taking this time to think about whether or not you want to get involved with someone who is unsure about whether he is ready for a relationship... if there is hesitancy from the start, that's never a good sign. They might open up to the idea as time goes on, but I prefer to enter into a relationship with someone who is emotionally ready, to avoid any unnecessary hurt later on. He might be a great guy, but unless he has processed and healed from his past relationships, he will be bringing open wounds into the relationship, and as it becomes more serious, he might not be able to fully give you what you are ready to received, and might want to bail to deal with those wounds. Thank him for being honest, and keep on open mind... but don't hang on to the idea. Just let it be, and things will happen as they are meant to. I know that's easier said than done, but the acceptance and let go part will bring you greater strength and peace of mind. Here's a quote for you:

 

"Sometimes life doesn't want to give you something you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more."

[Blueskysagitarrius]

Thank you both so much for your advice!! I do totally agree that starting something with someone who just got out of a relationship is not a good idea. I had no idea he had just gotten out of one.

 

The day after my first date with him, I found out my ex boyfriend from two years ago commit suicide. I was extremely shaken up and had told him about it because I was really upset. A few weeks later I asked about his past relationships because I had been telling him about mine. He told me he hadn't dated anyone since the summer and it was only for a few months. Said they just drifted apart. So when Saturday he said he only just got out of a relationship, I was confused. I'm not sure which is the truth. I certainly won't blame him for saying it was months ago. When I broke up with the boyfriend who passed away, I started dating way too soon and clearly didn't tell the guy I was dating how recently the break up was. I think we like to pretend we can get past things easily (I know I do). I did end things with that guy pretty soon after we got intimate (this was pre-herpes). I felt horrible, but I wasn't ready. I can certainly understand that.

 

As I've been dealing with my ex passing away, I've been realizing how lucky I am that I wasn't still with him. He cheated on me and married the girl he cheated on me with. They have a one year old daughter, and he took his life. My friend pointed out to me that maybe things not working with this new guy is because I'm being kept from something. Just like breaking up with my ex kept me from being a single mother and widow. Maybe things not working with this guy is a blessing in disguise. Who knows. I'll give him time and space, but I do hope he finds his way back to me.

[fitgirl]

@blueskysagitarrius

Sometimes herpes can consume us, we attribute so much weight and importance to it that we forget about the other 99% of life and relationships. Try to remember that (as you pointed out) you had challenges in other personal relationships (as we all do) and things didn't work out before herpes. Sometimes things happen for a reason and we discover we are not compatible.... its not all about the herpes :)