What Should I Do?

[eproder]

I was dating a woman with whom I had a nice connection. Things were progressing nicely, until she revealed to me one night that she has genital herpes. To make a long story short, I reacted poorly, and now regret my behavior. While the bottom line is unchanged--I prefer not to have sex with her, I do want to apologize for my poor reaction and tell her that I am sorry. Before the conversation was over for the evening she gave me the url for this forum and said that I could come here for information on herpes should I be considering continuing the relationship with her. My one question is: how do I let her know that, while I wish only to be friends, I understand that my reaction was hurtful to her?

[fitgirl]

Hmmmmm this is so tough, for everyone. You have every right to your reaction and you should not be judged or made to feel badly for it. That said, an apology for your reaction would be helpful to her and also helpful to you. Herpes is a tricky thing, it puts a barrier up that would not otherwise be there (in theory). Just let her know that you are sorry for your reaction, you weren't prepared and you didn't react the way you wanted to. Tell her the truth. Tell her what you think and feel (it's ok if it's not what she wants to hear).

 

One thing I will challenge you on...... if she didn't have herpes, would you continue a potential sexual relationship with her? you do know that many women have herpes and don't know it or don't disclose.... so..... is it any safer to have sex with other women? maybe. Maybe not. Just educate yourself and understand that she was respectful of YOU, you should extend the same to HER. If herpes is the only reason you don't want to continue, that is your right. BUT, make sure you aren't ruling out some really great chick just because she has a minor skin eruption. I can guarantee you have kissed MANY people who have herpes (hsv1) and they didn't know or never told you. For all you know, you have herpes too. Just because she knows she has it and had respect for you and told you doesn't mean you aren't a carrier. Just playing devils advocate here. At the end of the day, give thanks to that girl for being honest. It would have been extremely difficult for her, respect and appreciate that. Show her the same respect.

 

So cool you posted for help on this, it's important and you are obviously a caring man who wants to do the right thing. Any decision you make is OK, you can only do what is right for you :)

[fitgirl]

@eproder

I also want to say.... we never know how we will react to these situations. as H+ people we sometimes forget what it was like before. You can only follow your gut, its you that has to live with your choices. And maybe, you wouldn't have pursued this woman anyway. Just make sure you are not ruling out aa great woman just because she has the odd rash here and there. It's really not that big of a deal. Good luck ;)

[eproder]

@fitgirl

 

Hi there, thanks for your comments. I appreciate them. I don't know, I've always been the type to be very anxious about all of the areas of my health. I feel like I'm the unlucky type, and that if I can be the one guy to get something, I will. I'm kind of risk-averse. I don't like to take very many risks, and that's an attitude that has hardened as I have become older.

 

Part of it too is I used to be a very judgmental person--of everybody, really. While wisdom and years have helped me to see things from a more mature perspective, I guess some things still linger. I guess I'm afraid that if I got "h" from her, I would become one of the people I formerly judged. And that would be very hard for me.

 

It is hard, and it becomes harder, as I get older. And I become more and more reluctant to undertake the momentous psychological work necessary to make big changes. At a certain point in time, you want things to stay the same more than you want them to change, even if the way things are isn't as good as it could be.

[WCSDancer2010]

@eproder

 

First .... glad you came here ... and reminding any readers that we are a Judgement Free Zone ... and I applaud you for trying to find a way to do what is right to make ammends for your behavior :)

 

There's no right way to clean up a mess ... the only thing that is required is honesty and a real intent to have the other person get it that you realized you behaved badly and would like to do what you can to clean that up.

 

 

I'm kind of risk-averse. I don't like to take very many risks, and that's an attitude that has hardened as I have become older.

 

 

Sell, IMO a life well lived means taking risks. You really don't want to be on your deathbed wishing you had done things that you held back on because of the fear of what might go wrong.... so whatever happens with this girl, I hope you will work on this aspect of yourself.... for YOUR sake :)

 

 

Part of it too is I used to be a very judgmental person--of everybody, really. While wisdom and years have helped me to see things from a more mature perspective, I guess some things still linger. I guess I'm afraid that if I got "h" from her, I would become one of the people I formerly judged. And that would be very hard for me.

 

I applaud your honesty here .... and I challenge you to consider learning to love yourself enough to not pass judgement on yourself for the things you have judged others for in the past.

 

Personally, I think you need to tell her everything you just wrote here ...so she really gets it that this is about YOU and your inability to take risks, and your issues around judgement and being judged. She needs to know this is not about her ... and THAT would be a beautiful gift for her to receive from you :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Sil88]

Well at least you have a conscience if you've posted here. I'd say you're the lucky type since the girl was aware of her status AND brave enough to open up to a new man who could react in any way. You get to have the choice. I think guiding you to this forum was to gather information about the condition, but seems that you've already made your mind up and want to formulate an apology instead? Well, apologise, try your best to empathise, say but don't linger on the fact that your position hasn't changed. Maybe mention that you have an issue with commitment and uncertainty. It's got to be done. (Unless she happens to read this discussion which saves you the effort) Good luck and hope she reacts well.

[fitgirl]

@eproder well at least you are honest about your personality.... and if you don't want to change, you don't have to. that said...... based on the man you are describing, you may die a lonely man. I hope that is not the case and that you realize you are missing out on life. if nothing else @Sil88 and @dancer2010 are both right, show her what you have written here. It's only fair to let her know that it really isn't about HER nor is it about herpes, this is about YOU. The classic "it's me not you" line applies here. I really hope you change your mind about getting help regardless of this issue. Good luck!

[eproder]

@fitgirl

 

Though I have been known to be judgmental in the past, age and experience have shown me how inherently wrong it is to judge others in the way I judged them. I had a chat with my lady friend and we agreed it is best to continue along the "friend" track for now. She is similar in age to me, and she understands about being older and finding it harder to do some things, or at least, harder than when we were young. I told my friend that she was beautiful and intelligent and talented--and I meant every word of it, and I think, based on what I saw, that she knew I meant it. I am happy about that. Who knows what can happen in the future...

[fitgirl]

@eproder

That sounds like a stellar approach. Much credit to you having the ability to share with us, and especially her. This road is not an easy one sometimes but knowing that others are considerate of each other and honest goes a long way towards developing lasting relationships. Life is short and we have to make the best of it. The beauty is....we get to decide what that means. you have every right to your choices and opinions, I am really glad you could see past the herpes and see the woman regardless of where your relationship goes. In my books, its a successful relationship already :). Keep me posted.

[WCSDancer2010]

@eproder

 

Sounds like at the "worst", you will have a wonderful female friend in your life ... and if it goes further, it will be all the stronger because you will both be going into the relationship knowing you can be vulnerable and transparent with each other, and that is a beautiful gift that few relationships truly have nowadays.....

 

(((HUGS)))